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Been having a bad couple of days this week. The weekend wasn't great either, so maybe that's why I'm feeling so down the last couple of days, or maybe that has just made it worse. I don't know anymore?!
Yesterday I had to go through some old bank statements to verify some payments on an old debt that should have been paid for but they are saying its not. UGH! Going through the records was very hard. I had to re-live a lot of the time that my WH was living away from us, either with his OW or with his BFF. We shared a bank account the entire time of our separation and he was pretty good about not spending money on HER from our joint account but there were still triggers.
I just discovered this forum last month and all of the reading I have been doing has made me realize a lot of things about myself and about our situation. I did not make my WH 100% accountable for what he did to me and our marriage. I was so afraid of losing him that I didn't make him work for it. I didn't push him away because I was afraid of losing him, so what I got back was not someone that was truly remorseful and worried about making everything right for his family. As it stands now we are both damaged goods!
Now some days I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant say that Im ready to give up, Im just really angry at myself that I didnt do things differently. Hindsight is 20/20!
I hope some day, when all this has faded and we are in a better place (if that day ever comes) that he can look back and feel remorseful for what he did to our family and appreciate all that I put into it when he wasnt deserving!
Thats my vent for today...just feeling a little emotional today and needed to get that out!
Yesterday I had to go through some old bank statements to verify some payments on an old debt that should have been paid for but they are saying its not. UGH! Going through the records was very hard. I had to re-live a lot of the time that my WH was living away from us, either with his OW or with his BFF. We shared a bank account the entire time of our separation and he was pretty good about not spending money on HER from our joint account but there were still triggers.
I just discovered this forum last month and all of the reading I have been doing has made me realize a lot of things about myself and about our situation. I did not make my WH 100% accountable for what he did to me and our marriage. I was so afraid of losing him that I didn't make him work for it. I didn't push him away because I was afraid of losing him, so what I got back was not someone that was truly remorseful and worried about making everything right for his family. As it stands now we are both damaged goods!
Now some days I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant say that Im ready to give up, Im just really angry at myself that I didnt do things differently. Hindsight is 20/20!
I hope some day, when all this has faded and we are in a better place (if that day ever comes) that he can look back and feel remorseful for what he did to our family and appreciate all that I put into it when he wasnt deserving!
Thats my vent for today...just feeling a little emotional today and needed to get that out!