[LetDownNTX]

Been having a bad couple of days this week. The weekend wasn't great either, so maybe that's why I'm feeling so down the last couple of days, or maybe that has just made it worse. I don't know anymore?!

Yesterday I had to go through some old bank statements to verify some payments on an old debt that should have been paid for but they are saying its not. UGH! Going through the records was very hard. I had to re-live a lot of the time that my WH was living away from us, either with his OW or with his BFF. We shared a bank account the entire time of our separation and he was pretty good about not spending money on HER from our joint account but there were still triggers.

I just discovered this forum last month and all of the reading I have been doing has made me realize a lot of things about myself and about our situation. I did not make my WH 100% accountable for what he did to me and our marriage. I was so afraid of losing him that I didn't make him work for it. I didn't push him away because I was afraid of losing him, so what I got back was not someone that was truly remorseful and worried about making everything right for his family. As it stands now we are both damaged goods!

Now some days I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant say that Im ready to give up, Im just really angry at myself that I didnt do things differently. Hindsight is 20/20!

I hope some day, when all this has faded and we are in a better place (if that day ever comes) that he can look back and feel remorseful for what he did to our family and appreciate all that I put into it when he wasnt deserving!

Thats my vent for today...just feeling a little emotional today and needed to get that out!

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

Thats my vent for today...just feeling a little emotional today and needed to get that out!

You have been through a lot, and learned the hard way from both your experience and what you've read here. Advice from the hardliners is hard to take, but in the long run, it seems a lot of what they say is, indeed, true. It's just not for everyone. Each situation is so different.

Anyhow, it looks like you are getting a dose of reality and some healing is occurring, too. Just keep doing what you know is right, and keep in touch here, too, as it's helpful for us to see where you are along the curve. And a lot of people here really care.

 

[TCSRedhead]

Been having a bad couple of days this week. The weekend wasn't great either, so maybe that's why I'm feeling so down the last couple of days, or maybe that has just made it worse. I don't know anymore?!

Yesterday I had to go through some old bank statements to verify some payments on an old debt that should have been paid for but they are saying its not. UGH! Going through the records was very hard. I had to re-live a lot of the time that my WH was living away from us, either with his OW or with his BFF. We shared a bank account the entire time of our separation and he was pretty good about not spending money on HER from our joint account but there were still triggers.

I just discovered this forum last month and all of the reading I have been doing has made me realize a lot of things about myself and about our situation. I did not make my WH 100% accountable for what he did to me and our marriage. I was so afraid of losing him that I didn't make him work for it. I didn't push him away because I was afraid of losing him, so what I got back was not someone that was truly remorseful and worried about making everything right for his family. As it stands now we are both damaged goods!

Now some days I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant say that Im ready to give up, Im just really angry at myself that I didnt do things differently. Hindsight is 20/20!

I hope some day, when all this has faded and we are in a better place (if that day ever comes) that he can look back and feel remorseful for what he did to our family and appreciate all that I put into it when he wasnt deserving!

Thats my vent for today...just feeling a little emotional today and needed to get that out!

I'm really sorry. It's hard to know if we are or are not doing the right thing. We try as best as we can with what we have at the time.

I think you're an incredibly generous and forgiving wife and hope that he knows how fortunate he is that you are by his side.

 

[badmemory]

Letdown,

One of the great things about this forum is that as a betrayed spouse, we can relate how we're feeling about something and another BS has probably experienced it. That's the case here.

This weekend I was going through all the old cell phones we had, trying to figure out if they were worth trying to sell. I looked at the one my wife had before she got her current phone. Never mind that I already had a mountain of e-mails from the AP that described their affair in vivid detail - it occurred to me that I never looked at this phone before. When I checked it there was only one message to him, saying "heads up, I'm getting a new cell phone".

That was enough to trigger me, even though it was a comparatively innocuous message. I, similar to you, went through many months of R before finding this site. I discovered that for everything I did correctly, there was something I did wrong.

I am fortunate that our R is going as well as it is, because I took her back too quickly and she didn't suffer all the consequences she should have. But since we're trying to be more open and honest with each other, I told her as much recently.

She responded to that well, and because she did, that helped me heal a little more. I guess the point is; some of the mistakes we make in the fog of finding out, can be corrected by being open about your feelings, and some can't.

As long as your husband and my wife are showing sufficient remorse, and we're doing our best to affair proof the marriage, I have to believe that we have a good shot at R. It will never be the same, but in some ways it may be better.

Hang in there.

 

[In_The_Wind]

Yes I agree Hang in there It gets better then weird then better again

 

[LetDownNTX]

Thank you BadMemory, you are so true! Its good to know that I am among many others that in some way can relate to everything I am saying.

Sorry for your trigger with the phone. Its good to know she is trying hard to be honest...that helps so much. My husband is very reserved with his emotions and sometimes I dont even think that he "gets it".

 

[OldWolf57]

LDiT, Just try to stay strong friend. From being here you know the triggers are coming, and we from seeing your struggles know you are not a quiter.

If you feel like it, tonight, pop him one upside his head when in bed. When he ask whats that for, say it because you are mad at yourself for loving him.
Believe me, he will get the point.

So stay strong Lil Sis.

 

[badmemory]

Thank you BadMemory, you are so true! Its good to know that I am among many others that in some way can relate to everything I am saying.

Sorry for your trigger with the phone. Its good to know she is trying hard to be honest...that helps so much. My husband is very reserved with his emotions and sometimes I dont even think that he "gets it".

Well if it makes you feel better, I often get that same feeling. I sometimes almost have to coach her on how to be more remorseful- lol. But at least she is following the instructions - so far.

I guess I can overlook the fact that she isn't perfect, as long as I know she is trying.

 

[LetDownNTX]

LDiT, Just try to stay strong friend. From being here you know the triggers are coming, and we from seeing your struggles know you are not a quiter.

If you feel like it, tonight, pop him one upside his head when in bed. When he ask whats that for, say it because you are mad at yourself for loving him.
Believe me, he will get the point.

So stay strong Lil Sis.

Thank you OldWolf!! I appreciate your words! I might just do that!!

 

[LetDownNTX]

Well if it makes you feel better, I often get that same feeling. I sometimes almost have to coach her on how to be more remorseful- lol. But at least she is following the instructions - so far.

I guess I can overlook the fact that she isn't perfect, as long as I know she is trying.

I really am starting to believe that some people just dont have compassion in their heart and dont understand what they have put us through with their betrayals.

 

[badmemory]

I really am starting to believe that some people just dont have compassion in their heart and dont understand what they have put us through with their betrayals.

Of course there are those, but in all honesty, it's human nature for the CS to not to want to re-visit the hurt and pain. They just don't understand the value of the short term pain for the long term gain.

I think it's important for my wife to know that how we treat each other in our marriage, to include my responsibilities in meeting her needs; is separate from what she has to do to gain my trust back. At least that's the way I look at it.