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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I resent my husband because I feel like I have more responsibility than him and because he refuses to massage my back, no matter how bad I say it hurts. I know, sounds weird in a sentence but my resentment is building. I guess the back massage is a superficial anger in response to my deeper rage of jealousy for his "fun, vacation life"... I don't want to be angry and hurt and sad all the time. I can't take the stress. How do I show love for him and not feel this way. I know it's not right of me, it just seems like I can't help it. I want to feel peace and satisfaction inside and I want to make him feel loved and appreciated too.
 

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Have you told him how you feel? Have you asked him to massage your back? If he has declined to do so, why? What are some of your other resentments you have built up?
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have tried to communicate my feelings and thoughts but I always get shut down. Either he gets angry and starts an argument- which I normally just apologize and bow out/leave the room, or I reciprocate the anger and storm off. I know I'm not good at communicating with him at times but I've been through 6 yrs of therapy in the past and I am very good at describing my thoughts and feelings and expressing myself.

I have asked him to massage it and one time he looked at me with disgust and said "I don't think so." His reason for being that way is related to our sex life and I can't really say on here but basically the physical need I have of back massage can be helped by anyone and I'm the only one who can "take care of" his physical needs, and that's a whole different annual argument. Ever since he said that, I have felt like he hates me; like he doesn't truly care about me; and afraid to ask again. I did ask once or twice since then but I just re-experience the hurt of him saying that and looking at me that way... it hurts.

History: about 2 yrs ago he and I both withdrew from each other as our lives led us down different paths and I had an emotional affair with an ex who was there for me. My husband has had a really hard time with this. I'm not supposed to be like that. I've always said I'm not like other girls... in very many ways. But I let him down and I'm not sure if we can get past this some days, while others, I have no doubt. I don't think he really understands how bad I hurt; how bad he makes me feel; how much things like this mean to me.

Honestly, a few months ago I wrote on a sticky note "Don't ask; Don't tell." and hung it by my bedside because it seems like everytime I ask something, he gets mad- I'm being nosy or untrusting of him- and every time I start to tell him something about me, I realize he doesn't really care, or he takes it the wrong way and turns it into an attack on him.
 

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Ask him to go to MC with you, let him know its important to you. If he isn't willing to go and he shoots that down too, let him know up front if he isn't willing to deal with the past then you see no future with him. It seems he is continuing to punish you for something that happened awhile back. He is either willing to get help to get past it or not, if not, you have a decision to make.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Amen! I just hate to think of us not being together... We are supposed to grow old and sit on the porch in our rocking chairs--him whittling, and me sewing--ha ha. I agree, he is continuing to punish me for something I've more than apologized for. And from my perspective, he's done many things that were just as bad (to me) but he doesn't see that. He can only see what I have done wrong. I just pray that one day he will know that I'm REALLY not like that. I've always been loyal to one man when I was in a committed relationship, I committed wholeheartedly! I just needed to talk to someone and he wasn't there for me... now it's getting back to that and I'm afraid of what will happen this time. I'm not going to turn to ANYONE else, believe me, I learned my lesson and feel guilty enough, but if we don't get some communication lines open soon... all of this is just bottling up inside me and creating even more resentment... :(
 
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