[baddecisions]

WW here. Just needed a place to air things out a bit. We've been having a tough time due to my deceitful actions of having an affair. BS just left to find someone at a bar to sleep with. I obviously can't say anything to stop him but I'm wondering if we have lost any chances to reconcile. He still claims he wants us to be a family. I'm also terrified that he will drink because he has a major alcohol problem and has been sober a few weeks now. So I'm just laying here wondering how this night will end. Has any other BS had a revenge one night stand and how did that affect a reconciliation?

Thanks for listening.
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[theroad]

Does your BH post here. What is his screen name?

RA's never fix anything and only make things worse.

Go to that bar and tell your BH that he knows first hand the pain caused by an affair. Please don't hurt me that way.

Or does BH have a good friend that will drag him out of the bar before things go south?

 

[baddecisions]

BH is on this board too. He ended up going to a cigar bar and talking with some guys about our problems. I'm happy that he was able to feel better and that there was no RA. It shows me how hard he is trying to get thru this with me and how hurt he is. I really hate myself for what I did to him no matter how unhealthy our relationship had been. If I could only turn back time and make a better choice :/
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[WyshIknew]

My neighbor ended the relationship and she confesed to out of anger for him , "hurting her". her own words.

He posted this in his own thread, quite a bitter pill for him to swallow if true.

(If I have the right poster)

 

[baddecisions]

Wyshiknew - that is the right thread. I confessed because BH had quit drinking and I couldn't ask him to make changes while I was hiding something so deceitful. BS is very hurt and believes things which aren't true however the trust lost from my actions make it impossible for him to believe me at the moment.
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[chillymorn]

I don't understand how a cheater could have an attitude like please don't revenge affair me just because I cheated.

I think for me it would have to be I just couldn't get past the idea that they got to sample behind my back.

with that said I am not in this situation so I don't really know how I would respond to it.

I have read many accounts about how the revenge partner felt worse after.

I think even if things get back to a normal relationship there would always be temptation. if the opprotunity arises it would be very difficult to resist.

what a mess.

hope things work out for you.

 

[WyshIknew]

Baddecisions, what are your feelings for the OM now?

 

[Cieran]

I don't understand how a cheater could have an attitude like please don't revenge affair me just because I cheated.

I think for me it would have to be I just couldn't get past the idea that they got to sample behind my back.

with that said I am not in this situation so I don't really know how I would respond to it.

I have read many accounts about how the revenge partner felt worse after.

I think even if things get back to a normal relationship there would always be temptation. if the opprotunity arises it would be very difficult to resist.

what a mess.

hope things work out for you.

because 2 wrongs don't make a right.
oftentimes, the WS has plenty, although dysfunctional reasons about why they feel that way and why they cheated. i'm not saying it's right, i'm just saying they often times didn't really want to or know about ending up that way, I don't know if a BS understands or thinks at the time whether their actions would hurt the other person. whereas with a RA, you are outright just going out to f*ck someone else to hurt the other person.

considering how hard it is to patch things when one side has f*cked up and wrecked it.
with both sides wrecked, the chances of saving the marriage are basically zilch.

that said, if a BS did end up RA, nothing a WS should really say except stfu and grin and bear it, since they started it.

 

[sinnister]

Baddecisions - did you use the term "hurting you" to describe how you felt whent he other man ended it?

If so....yikes.

 

[chillymorn]

because 2 wrongs don't make a right.
oftentimes, the WS has plenty, although dysfunctional reasons about why they feel that way and why they cheated. i'm not saying it's right, i'm just saying they often times didn't really want to or know about ending up that way, I don't know if a BS understands or thinks at the time whether their actions would hurt the other person. whereas with a RA, you are outright just going out to f*ck someone else to hurt the other person.

considering how hard it is to patch things when one side has f*cked up and wrecked it.
with both sides wrecked, the chances of saving the marriage are basically zilch.

that said, if a BS did end up RA, nothing a WS should really say except stfu and grin and bear it, since they started it.

Its not really two wrongs ....its more like one wrong behind someones back where the revenge f*ck is a punishment kinda like I'm doing this and if your here when I get back maybe we can straighten things out ....or not !!!!! don't really matter.

and yes its to hurt the person who hurt you an eye for an eye type of thing. a person who hurt you hoping you will never find out about it.

again I most likley woud be in the camp of whats good for the goose......

actually I think I would be in the camp of get the f out you flawed person.

 

[remorseful strayer]

WW here. Just needed a place to air things out a bit. We've been having a tough time due to my deceitful actions of having an affair. BS just left to find someone at a bar to sleep with. I obviously can't say anything to stop him but I'm wondering if we have lost any chances to reconcile. He still claims he wants us to be a family. I'm also terrified that he will drink because he has a major alcohol problem and has been sober a few weeks now. So I'm just laying here wondering how this night will end. Has any other BS had a revenge one night stand and how did that affect a reconciliation?

Thanks for listening.
Posted via Mobile Device

Revenge affairs are not a good idea.

Nevertheless, if he engages in one, you would be best off forgiving him and dropping it.

After all you are asking him to forgive you, right?

Also, a revenge affair is often a test of YOUR love and committment rather than an eye for an eye issue.

He's saying I love you enough to take you back after your affair. Do you love me as much.

If you want your marriage to work. Forgive him for his ONS and just be glad it is not a LTA.

 

[CleanJerkSnatch]

Under no circumstance take his revenge affair lightly. He will be JUST as guilty as you. Even though you may have brought him up to the occasion yet in the end he is the one that decides as one always has the power of decision. No one is forced to do ANYTHING they do not want to except for death if it is forced upon for not doing something you do not want to.

Anyway, revenge affairs are destruction upon chaos. They do not help, it hurt your husband more ontop of the betrayal that you served him. I hope you both can really sit down and realize how much hurt you have caused to yourselves and more especially to each other. You need to get rid of the ME and think more of the YOU. Don't live for yourself, live for your spouse, you are nothing, your spouse is everything. Think twice before you speak, think thrice before you act and not temporally but far into the future.

If we really thought out our actions deep into the future we wouldn't do more than half the crap we really do, I say this as a hypocrite.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

I'm kind of with Chillymorn here. I feel like she "deserves" to be on the receiving end of some pain for a while.

 

[Lordhavok]

I'm kind of with Chillymorn here. I feel like she "deserves" to be on the receiving end of some pain for a while.

I agree, and a revenge ons is going to cause him hurt as well? The way I see it, he's owed a shot of strange, she should answer for that as well, this is all on her for cheating anyway.

 

[MattMatt]

My wife had an affair. And I stupidly fell into having what I now realise was a revenge affair.

Guess which hurt me the most? My wife's affair or mine? Mine, oddly enough. It nearly destroyed me.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Sort of like when I spank my kids....

"this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you". Which may be true. But the punishment is still necessary.

 

[WyshIknew]

Of course the other problem with a revenge affair is that unless the issue is fully ok with the revenge affair partner, they can get hurt too. So you end up with three people hurting.

 

[MattMatt]

Of course the other problem with a revenge affair is that unless the issue is fully ok with the revenge affair partner, they can get hurt too. So you end up with three people hurting.

Yes. And all these years later, that still makes me feel ashamed.

 

[WyshIknew]

Yes. And all these years later, that still makes me feel ashamed.

Crap!

Sorry about that, wasn't a dig dude.

But at least you have first hand experience with this and can advise accordingly.

 

[InFlux]

Not that I'm condoning it, but psychologically oftentimes a RA is because the betrayed partner feels emasculated/unwomanly. The RA is confirmation for the betrayed that someone else can/does desire them. They are often told by the wayward, before the affairs, that they're broken, unworthy, and/or incapable of love. These are, of course, lies told by the wayward, for the wayward, to justify the affair to themselves. But the damage is often crippling to the betrayed. They are often left so alone and broken that the attention paid to them in a RA seems like a gift from above. Again, not condoning it, but I understand it....