Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 295 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I had a year long affair. I came back before DDAY. Have been doing everything to reconcile. NC was easy for me. I choose to come back to my husband.

My BH is away at a wedding in CA. Our Best Man's wedding - he didn't want me there since it would be too painful for him. Fine, OK get that.

I have been miserable since he has been gone. 9:30pm last night I took a xanax and a glass of wine and feel asleep. He called at 9:40pm and kept calling and I finally answered 1.5 hours later. Of course this triggered him since I would not answer when I was traveling during the affair. I am home with our kids though, but understand it still triggered him.

When I answered I was read the riot act. We argrued for a bit and then he hung up on me. I checked the phone records this morning and he starting texting his old girlfriend who lives in CA and hour after we hung up. I was texting him pleading him to talk to me but he just ignored me. He then started texting her.

He also didn't tell me that she had texted him 2 days before he left for the trip. They had been talking during our 2 month separation and on and off during our marriage. He agreed that it was inappropriate but he never did anything.

What do I do?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FWW-42, BH-37
4kids - 2 mine 12 &14, 2 ours 2 & 5
Over year EA/PA
DDay 9/14/12
T-12yrs, M-6yrs
Begging for a second chance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Let him know that this hurts. You wanted to reconcile just like he did and since your relationship is vunarable because of your prior actions, you think this is a bad time to introduce any new male or female into your marriage.

I would be lying if I said any contact by an ex would not be tempting right now. But it is going to take his best effort to not suscumb to temptation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
But really, after the countless hours of talking about honesty and boundaries and getting nailed to the wall (which I now agree with all of this), he is turning around and lying to me and turning to an old girlfriend? Maybe "we" just can't be fixed at this point. The affair I had just destroyed us.

He will be in CA until Wednesday and I have to imagine that they will meet up. Not that I believe anything physical will happen - doesn't matter to me anyway at this point. The lying and stepping across the boundaries we agreed on are already broken.

I have been wondering why a BS would stay given all the hurt and anguish caused by an A. Maybe in this case it just won't work.

Never doubted more than I do today. I'll just let it play out and won't reveal that I know anything until he returns.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
I had a year long affair. I came back before DDAY. Have been doing everything to reconcile. NC was easy for me. I choose to come back to my husband.

My BH is away at a wedding in CA. Our Best Man's wedding - he didn't want me there since it would be too painful for him. Fine, OK get that.

I have been miserable since he has been gone. 9:30pm last night I took a xanax and a glass of wine and feel asleep. He called at 9:40pm and kept calling and I finally answered 1.5 hours later. Of course this triggered him since I would not answer when I was traveling during the affair. I am home with our kids though, but understand it still triggered him.

When I answered I was read the riot act. We argrued for a bit and then he hung up on me. I checked the phone records this morning and he starting texting his old girlfriend who lives in CA and hour after we hung up. I was texting him pleading him to talk to me but he just ignored me. He then started texting her.

He also didn't tell me that she had texted him 2 days before he left for the trip. They had been talking during our 2 month separation and on and off during our marriage. He agreed that it was inappropriate but he never did anything.

What do I do?

But really, after the countless hours of talking about honesty and boundaries and getting nailed to the wall (which I now agree with all of this), he is turning around and lying to me and turning to an old girlfriend? Maybe "we" just can't be fixed at this point. The affair I had just destroyed us.

He will be in CA until Wednesday and I have to imagine that they will meet up. Not that I believe anything physical will happen - doesn't matter to me anyway at this point. The lying and stepping across the boundaries we agreed on are already broken.

I have been wondering why a BS would stay given all the hurt and anguish caused by an A. Maybe in this case it just won't work.

Never doubted more than I do today. I'll just let it play out and won't reveal that I know anything until he returns.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FWW-42, BH-37
4kids - 2 mine 12 &14, 2 ours 2 & 5
Over year EA/PA
DDay 9/14/12
T-12yrs, M-6yrs
Begging for a second chance.
If I were in his shoes, you had a year-long A, it seems he had to really fight to snap you out of it and agree with boundaries, the minute he leaves you stop answering your phone for an hour and a half after the kids' bedtime (just enought time for a hookup with other man), I would be pretty suspicious. The same behavior you used during the affair.

If your husband posted this from his point of view on this board, asking "do you think my wife was cheating?", you know three-quarters of the posters here would answer "YES!"

The fact that you were "home with the kids" wouldn't be that comforting to me. You lied and cheated for a year, if I were in his shoes I wouldn't put anything past you.

Him getting in touch with an old girlfriend is wrong no matter what, but this is why so few marriages can recover from an affair. The lack of trust makes even innocent coincidences look like a resumption of cheating. If you want to save your marriage, you have to put in the tough work when these issues come up. You've got to convince him you were not cheating and alleviate his concerns, then deal with his contacting ex-girlfriends when you trigger him.

If the situation had been reversed and he was the one who had had a year-long affair, would you have tried to reconcile with him?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,156 Posts
I'm curious about this also. This has been one of the hardest things for us to agree on - appropriate boundaries on both sides. During our ten years, hubby has had NUMEROUS close friendships with members of the opposite sex which make me uncomfortable. He doesn't feel this is inappropriate, as long as they don't talk sexually to each other, exchange nude pics or have sex.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Acabado

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Yes, I would have tried to reconcile if the positions were reversed. My story is a long one and I haven't posted it yet, but we separated over the summer and I chose to come back. I ended the A - NC easy - the OM and the A disgusts me really.

I told him I wanted the boundaries. I wanted to do anything and everything to protect our marriage. I have really tried to do everything to try and rebuild trust.

But now I have trust issues too and he will blast me for that.

We spend 2 weeks together at the house before I told him I wanted to reconcile. This was before DDay (he suspected but didn't know for sure). He left for Labor Day weekend for the beach with friends and met a girl, walked her home and he says just kissed her goodnight. He lied about it when he got home but then came clean. Said he was confused and it was nice to have someone make him feel good.

Fine - I was ok with that. DDay came and it's been brutal since then. I found out he had been having private messages with old girlfriend on FB way before the affair. I also just found out that he was texting a waitress at a restaurant/bar we frequent last year while I was traveling. (he did not know of the affair at the time). And now the texting with the old girlfriend last night. Yes, right or wrong, now I have trust issues too.

Oh it just seems so incredibly ironic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
It's going to be hard to make him behave.

Story of poor boundaires from before your affair and while the affair.
Regaining self confidence with women while separation (before DDay).
Lying.
Reinforced sense of entitlement once you were busted.
Ongoing displayal of poor boundaires and hiding in the aftermath and - huge red flag here - gaslighting. You are not crazy jelous, you are not paranoid, he's indeed crossing boundaires, the fact you might me surely projecting resulting un lack of trust don't invalidate he's not behaving well. On-off contact with old girlfriends is simply innapropiate, hiding it is very worrisome, slipery slope, wayward behavior. Contacting with her on your back before going to XGF's town nad firther contact while there would make suspicious eveyone.

To make him commit to admit it and change his ways is going to require a serious sit down and talk. Maybe a third party could help.
Are you guys going to MC?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Why did you wait 1.5 hours to answer the phone? Major trigger for him!
Why did he not take you too the wedding? Very suspicious to me if you are trying to R!
Posted via Mobile Device
He didn't want to take me to the wedding because he said it would be too hard to see me there as he stands next to the best man at our wedding taking vows. The wedding was at the city we fell in love with, also the city I spend 1 night with with the OM. I understood but was still heartbreaking.

I hadn't slept in 2 days so took a xanax when the kids went to bed and fell asleep. I didn't hear the phone ring. I answered about 1.5 hours later. I know it was a trigger and I tried to explain but he said he just couldn't believe I would do that to him (not answer). He hadn't called me in 24 hours.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
Im sorry I still don't get why he wouldn't take you too the wedding if he is serious about
Your R!
Maybe he doesn't want to R afterall ?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
It's going to be hard to make him behave.

Story of poor boundaires from before your affair and while the affair.
Regaining self confidence with women while separation (before DDay).
Lying.
Reinforced sense of entitlement once you were busted.
Ongoing displayal of poor boundaires and hiding in the aftermath and - huge red flag here - gaslighting. You are not crazy jelous, you are not paranoid, he's indeed crossing boundaires, the fact you might me surely projecting resulting un lack of trust don't invalidate he's not behaving well. On-off contact with old girlfriends is simply innapropiate, hiding it is very worrisome, slipery slope, wayward behavior. Contacting with her on your back before going to XGF's town nad firther contact while there would make suspicious eveyone.

To make him commit to admit it and change his ways is going to require a serious sit down and talk. Maybe a third party could help.
Are you guys going to MC?

No, we haven't gone to MC. We decided to wait until after he could get over the affair. We did have problems before the A, but I feel if we talk about those things, it only justifies the A and I don't want to do that. Maybe MC if he decided to stay.

FWW-42, BH-37
4kids - 2 mine 12 &14, 2 ours 2 & 5
Over year EA/PA
DDay 9/14/12
T-12yrs, M-6yrs
Begging for a second chance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Im sorry I still don't get why he wouldn't take you too the wedding if he is serious about
Your R!
Maybe he doesn't want to R afterall ?
Posted via Mobile Device
I think for a couple of reasons:

1. I think it would be incredibly difficult for him
2. Many people at the wedding know of the A so it would be embarassing.
3. He may not realize it, but he wants to punish me - consequence. I told him I wanted to be there with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
Im sorry I still don't get why he wouldn't take you too the wedding if he is serious about
Your R!
Maybe he doesn't want to R afterall ?
Posted via Mobile Device
Not really. I certainly wouldn't want to take someone who trampled over my wedding vows to a wedding of someone else. The whole thing would just cast a pallor over everything.

Taking a wayward to a wedding would make as much sense as taking a prostitute to an abstinence church retreat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
I think for a couple of reasons:

1. I think it would be incredibly difficult for him
2. Many people at the wedding know of the A so it would be embarassing.
3. He may not realize it, but he wants to punish me - consequence. I told him I wanted to be there with him.
I agree with about all but the third. As a BS I can kinda slip into him.

When BSs lash out or do things its rarely due to pure unadulterated spite.

It comes from the black hole where his/her heart used to be.

So its kinda selfish to think his decision revolved solely around your discontent, cause that really really downplays just how much it affects someone to get cheated on.

Also after the liberties you took, I doubt your wants are at the top of his priorities list so soon into R.

As a WS you'll never understand it in its' entirety, but theres no pain quite like it. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I agree with about all but the third. As a BS I can kinda slip into him.

When BSs lash out or do things its rarely due to pure unadulterated spite.

It comes from the black hole where his/her heart used to be.

So its kinda selfish to think his decision revolved solely around your discontent, cause that really really downplays just how much it affects someone to get cheated on.

Also after the liberties you took, I doubt your wants are at the top of his priorities list so soon into R.

As a WS you'll never understand it in its' entirety, but theres no pain quite like it. :(

I'll politely disagree with you there. Sometimes the BS just want to hurt the WS. And really, what is wrong with that. You get punched and your first instinct is to punch back. That's naturnal. Had this discussion with my BH and he has told me exactly that on several occassions when he really said some nasty things to me. Really, I'm ok with that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,439 Posts
It is insanity isn’t it. I can’t imagine how torn up this would make you feel. Hold onto it, remember it. It is just a taste of what you put your husband through. I know you won’t believe me, but you aren’t even close yet for the anxiety and torn up thoughts he is experiencing.

To put it in perspective. At this point, you are just worried he will cheat on you. You know quite well he has every reason to do so; More than you had when you made your own choice. Yet, inside somewhere, you don’t know if he is or not and are questioning whether or not you are just falling apart with paranoia and worry. You can still tell yourself that while it doesn’t look good, you know this man, how he feels, and still feel that it is very possible he won’t make that choice and come home to you.

He no longer has that same voice telling him it’s just his paranoia. It really is his reality that you did that. He can no longer look at you and know you made the “right choice”.

What would help you, right now at this moment? Use those thoughts and ‘give’ to him whatever you need to do to help him recover from knowing what he now knows. What could he have told you to influence your own choice? Help him... Time to be strong and face the demons that are now in your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
I know it is just a taste - not even a comparison to the sordid details he has of my A. I had my first taste of it right after I told him I wanted to end the separation and he left the next day for the beach and met a girl, went to her house and kissed her goodnight (his story). I was watching the phone records in real time and did all the investigative stuff. I knew who she was before he ever got home the next night.

Oh the irony. If I were a BS I would be lying if I didn't take some satisfaction from this thread.

I am just going to sit here and watch the online phone records every 5 minutes. Torture myself yes - I suppose just a bit of what he went through.

I don't want to influence his choice. I was done trying to control the outcome of this marriage when I told him every sordid detail of the A.
 
1 - 20 of 295 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top