Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So some know I am dating a guy who had a WW - she is still with the OM who is also married.

I find out that yesterday was their anniversary. He's out of town on business for two weeks and a friend in that city went out w/ him for wings, beer and football.

When I asked how he was doing he said it was harder than he thought and I got more details on the timeline. Apparently he had suspected cheating (this is the 2nd time - R once already) but hadn't seen the stuff on her phone or seen the naked pics yet with the proof so was still in love and trying to save the marriage and they celebrated their anniversary. Since I knew they hadn't had sex since the summer I had thought they didn't celebrate but when I said "What, no anniversary sex? :)" he said "I was still in love, she wasn't."

He had suspected so long (since the summer) I sort of thought he was already out of love by this time so I was pretty surprised he still loved her a year ago. And knowing that even after betrayal, many men still love (and hate) their WW, I wonder can he still love her?

I feel like I'm bound to get hurt. ( I thought he was further beyond this. He's very much a one-woman man - never dates around - serial monogamy. I thought he had moved on long enough before we met that it wouldn't be a problem but after learning they actually celebrated their anniversary last year kind of hurts.

So for those betrayed men, what's your take on this and your advice, if any? Just kind of wonder where he is with all of this. I won't get real conversation time with him til Friday.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,310 Posts
No one??? Not even "you're a dumbass for getting involved so soon"? :p
yeah, what was the timeline of your relationship with him after his divorce? Or, was he still married but just separated when you started dating him? Your post is very confusing as to the timeline. Kind of almost sounds like you were dating him when he was still married.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,570 Posts
No one??? Not even "you're a dumbass for getting involved so soon"? :p
No, Enjoli! I don't, for a second, believe that you're a dummy for getting involved so soon. The sad fact of the matter is that this guy has richly "masked" his feelings for his Ex and apparently seems to be inately carrying some form of "a torch" for her. Given his history as you have laid commentary to, like you, he wants to be involved in another relationship, bottom-line. You are there for him when she isn't, but as long as he's the "one-woman man" who without your knowledge, is continuing to somehow try to lighten up that pathway for her, then that just smacks of indecisiveness on his part and greatly works to your detriment as well as the demise of any hope for a future relationship with him.

I'm not exactly a firm believer in the issuing of ultimatums, but you two should sit down whenever possible and come to an understanding. And if he is as not into you as you are into him, then you need to know that there are so many men out there who would be far more loving and repectable toward you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
yeah, what was the timeline of your relationship with him after his divorce? Or, was he still married but just separated when you started dating him? Your post is very confusing as to the timeline. Kind of almost sounds like you were dating him when he was still married.
He moved out January - wanted to get past the Holidays. Our first date was April after meeting on match.com in March.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
He moved out January - wanted to get past the Holidays. Our first date was April after meeting on match.com in March.
I suggest you hold off on the relationship until you see signed and processed divorce papers. That way you know that their relationship is truly over. Something about your post seems off. I think there is something afoot with you "boyfriend", but I need more details.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,352 Posts
Yes, your timeline is a bit hard to figure out. But I believe I can answer your question, as it applies to me.
My background: I was married for 30 years. In July on 2011 I discovered that my spouse was having an affair with a friend of mine. Since that discovery I have found out that it was going on for about a year before I looked at her phone and saw the texts. When I confronted her, she packed two suitcases and WALKED the 5 blocks to his house, she filed for divorce the next day, and 82 days later we were divorced. In July of this year they were married. Where I stand today, 1 year, 3 months and 5 days after my discovery...... I still love my wife, the wife I had not the new thing that now inhabits her body. I believe that 10 years from now I will still love my wife, she and I were high school sweethearts, we raised three great kids, they and her were my life. That being said, I have moved on from wanting her back (him I am still not done with). My advice to you would be that if you think/need someone who is not going to be affected by a previous relationship then he is not the one for you. He is permanetly scarred, he will never again be whole. The fact that he is a one woman man means that he is probably even worse off than average. Can he be a good person to be with? Absolutely! In fact, I am a far better person/partner than I was before. My current relationship is multiple times better than my relationship with my X while married. Just last night we had a discussion that I NEVER would have had with my x. But I am determined to never make those mistakes again. My gf and I talk about everything. Do I get depressed? Absolutely! Do I have bad moments? Oh yeah! Do I want my wife back? No way! I would caution you that the first relationship after a divorce has got to have a 99% failure rate.
I would respectfully disagree with arbitrator, I dont think he disrespects you, he is just screwed up. The question YOU need to answer is are you up for the challenge? Are you the type of person who is willing to carry this extra heavy load? No shame if you are not, not many would be, and even if you are willing, doesnt mean it will work out....that is why infidelity is such a horrible thing, it hurts/harms for years not months. You do need to talk about it, again and again and again. It will be a while before it gets better and it will never be perfect....nature of the beast.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
No, Enjoli! I don't, for a second, believe that you're a dummy for getting involved so soon. The sad fact of the matter is that this guy has richly "masked" his feelings for his Ex and apparently seems to be inately carrying some form of "a torch" for her. Given his history as you have laid commentary to, like you, he wants to be involved in another relationship, bottom-line. You are there for him when she isn't, but as long as he's the "one-woman man" who without your knowledge, is continuing to somehow try to lighten up that pathway for her, then that just smacks of indecisiveness on his part and greatly works to your detriment as well as the demise of any hope for a future relationship with him.

I'm not exactly a firm believer in the issuing of ultimatums, but you two should sit down whenever possible and come to an understanding. And if he is as not into you as you are into him, then you need to know that there are so many men out there who would be far more loving and repectable toward you!
He definitely wants to divorce but I do think he has masked how long he still cared about her. I certainly don't think he wants to R, nor do I think she wants to... I just thought he was farther along in emotional recovery and this emotion on the anniversary seemed contradictory.

I do think it's time to sit down and discuss where we are going - it's been 7 months of dating and he gives me lots of signs he wants 'us' but I need words, too. Kiddo has sleepover Friday (and I will, too :p ) and hope for some time for deep conversation.

As I said, I just thought he would have been further along by now and it has me worried.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Do I get depressed? Absolutely! Do I have bad moments? Oh yeah! Do I want my wife back? No way! I would caution you that the first relationship after a divorce has got to have a 99% failure rate.
I would respectfully disagree with arbitrator, I dont think he disrespects you, he is just screwed up. The question YOU need to answer is are you up for the challenge? Are you the type of person who is willing to carry this extra heavy load? No shame if you are not, not many would be, and even if you are willing, doesnt mean it will work out....that is why infidelity is such a horrible thing, it hurts/harms for years not months. You do need to talk about it, again and again and again. It will be a while before it gets better and it will never be perfect....nature of the beast.
Thanks for the feedback - very insightful. I don't expect him to not have any feelings about her/the marriage. I just was surprised that this anniversary pained him so much.

Yes, I'm willing to carry more of the relationship load - i.e. "drive" it... I have my share of baggage w/ an abusive ex and a daughter and he's very supportive of that. I don't mind helping him carry HIS load since he helps carry mine. Guess it's just the first time I've had reason to question if he's really over this. I know the odds and it hasn't bothered me til now. I'm so deeply invested emotionally it hurts me that he is suffering and I'm frightened of the feelings I have for him and the potential for heart break. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I suggest you hold off on the relationship until you see signed and processed divorce papers. That way you know that their relationship is truly over. Something about your post seems off. I think there is something afoot with you "boyfriend", but I need more details.
What details? I'll share. He is very transparent with me as to where he is and what he's doing - it's the emotional part where I sense a roadblock/wall/etc. and even he admits he is terrified of being hurt like that again so I know love, even if it comes, will be difficult for him to acknowledge.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top