Broken

4095 Views 29 Replies 18 Participants Last post by LetDownNTX, Dec 19, 2012

I want to smile again

Discussion Starter · Dec 4, 2012

Hi everyone,
I'm not even sure where to start. I found this website while searching for a way to cope with what I'm feeling.
My story unlike others is very complicated.
I met my husband 6 years ago, we both worked for the same company and he was attracted to me and after just two dates he wanted a relationship. After dating for 6 months, i found out he wasn't legal in the country, so of course i offered and we got married.
No one knew but him and his family since i was only 23 at the time and i knew my parents wouldn't approve.
So for my parents, i've been engaged for 6 years, for his parents and family i've been married for 4.
Everytime i bring up a real wedding and for him to do right by me, it's always the same excuse, "we can't afford it" or "i'm the only one working". It's always the same sad excuses every time.
In Sept, he admitted cheating on me with a woman at work, said it's been going on for 4 months. I called her and told her that he was married, which he never told her. I found dirty pics on his laptop and videos.
Now his conditional green card is expired and this month is the last month to send additional paperwork to remove the conditional and make it a permanent green card. Part of me want to cancel the petition, the other part of me wants him to have his papers.
I'm more than hurt, i feel betrayed, stupid. I'm not sure how i will tell my parents, i feel like they need to know the truth. I do want to forgive my husband, but it's just too much to take. How could he do this to me? Everyday i'm finding out more about the affair and he even slept with her in our bed. My parents are aware of the affair, but at this point they deserve to know the whole truth.
I married this man because i loved him and wanted us to have a family, but i've been blind and stupid. How can someone be so cruel???

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LetDownNTX

· #2 · Dec 4, 2012

Im sorry you are here.

Reading your story it makes me wonder if he set out to get with you with the sole intent of getting his green card?

There are tons of people here illegally, I wouldnt bother to do the paperwork for him, if he is illegal its just a chance he's going to have to take. He owes it to you for making him "legal", I hope he wasnt using you!

Chris989

· #3 · Dec 4, 2012

Get rid of him. He is using you.

Reactions: 5

CleanJerkSnatch

· #4 · Dec 4, 2012

How can someone be so cruel?
We did not know his intentions from the start.

The question should be how much are you willing to take?
The premise of my argument is that this relationship was improperly founded, how do you expect it to work? He probably did not have an ulterior motive at start, but at face value he probably lied to himself that he could be faithful but found an opportunity where he didn't need to be and could just keep it a secret.

Don't beat yourself up because its not your fault. Make him move out.

Reactions: 3

Plan 9 from OS

· #5 · Dec 4, 2012

OP, you need to think long and hard about what you want. First, do you seriously want to try to reconcile? If so, you need to make sure - quickly - that he is remorseful and wants to R as well. If you find out early that you are doing most of the work during R, then it's a no go and you need to see this for what it is - him using you to get permanent legal status. It sounds like he pushed for a relationship extremely hard from the beginning. Am I right?

If you have access to his computer, see if you can find how far back these nude photos and naughty letters/e-mails go back. If it's to the beginning of your marriage (or before even), then you need to do what you have to do.

I know what it looks like to me, but you need to dig into this and figure it out soon. You know better than us what he's really like.

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I want to smile again

Discussion Starter · #6 · Dec 4, 2012

That same night after he admitted to cheating, he picked her up from work and they made out in the car, so she told me.
I found those pics and videos in a separate email he created for his car club. He changed his passwords for both FB and personal email.
I've actually moved back to my parents, and he says he wants to reconcile, but deep down i don't believe him. I don't feel like he is trying hard enough, he even told me he's confused right, he loves us both and he needs some time.....
I mean i know what i'm supposed to do, i do love him, but I'm no idiot.
I'm just hurt and it stings, bad.

Gabriel

· #7 · Dec 4, 2012

This is what happens when you get married for something other than love, respect and admiration. The values just aren't there.

Do NOT give him his papers. Divorce him and move on - you sound young. Tell your family the truth and lean on them for support as you go through this.

Reactions: 4

MattMatt

· #8 · Dec 4, 2012

I do not think he was using you. Not consciously. And, for what it's worth, I do not think he set out to cheat on you. Cheat on you before his green card became permanent? That doesn't seem likely, does it?

However, he is still a cheater and must have consequences of his actions.

Is this the first time he cheated? Or the first you know of?

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I want to smile again

Discussion Starter · #9 · Dec 4, 2012

The first time he's done it. We were always together, done everything together.
I'm not even sure why he cheated, our sex life was great, or so i thought. We came back from vacation in June and he literally changed right after that, we spent the whole vacation arguing, but who doesn't argue.
I knew things were different when he would come home and just go straight to bed, not touching me and all. This is a man once i look at him he gets aroused in a matter of second.
Now I've had many occasions to cheat on my husband, but i honestly never pay them any mind. I love my husband and that was that. I see how man look at me, i'm aware of the fact that i'm attractive, but that's just looks.
He ruined my trust in people, how am i going to look at my parents after this?

mahike

· #10 · Dec 4, 2012

Think about what you are saying. If this was a friend coming to you with the same problem what would you have told them?

You need to play hardball with him right now. Did you consider he could have given you an STD.

Tell your parents everything and do it right now. Then tick that off the check sheet and deal with his BS

Reactions: 1

MattMatt

· #11 · Dec 4, 2012

I want to smile again said:
The first time he's done it. We were always together, done everything together.
I'm not even sure why he cheated, our sex life was great, or so i thought. We came back from vacation in June and he literally changed right after that, we spent the whole vacation arguing, but who doesn't argue.
I knew things were different when he would come home and just go straight to bed, not touching me and all. This is a man once i look at him he gets aroused in a matter of second.
Now I've had many occasions to cheat on my husband, but i honestly never pay them any mind. I love my husband and that was that. I see how man look at me, i'm aware of the fact that i'm attractive, but that's just looks.
He ruined my trust in people, how am i going to look at my parents after this?

Your parents love you, so they'll be there for you, no matter what.

Do you want to reconcile with your husband? If so, you need marriage counselling with a tough love councillor who will tell it straight to your husband.

Shaggy

· #12 · Dec 4, 2012

I want to smile again said:
That same night after he admitted to cheating, he picked her up from work and they made out in the car, so she told me.
I found those pics and videos in a separate email he created for his car club. He changed his passwords for both FB and personal email.
I've actually moved back to my parents, and he says he wants to reconcile, but deep down i don't believe him. I don't feel like he is trying hard enough, he even told me he's confused right, he loves us both and he needs some time.....
I mean i know what i'm supposed to do, i do love him, but I'm no idiot.
I'm just hurt and it stings, bad.

He has shown what he values, and it isn't you. Sorry, but that's the truth.

End the relationship and pull his green card. He betrayed you not once, but twice when he went and had sex with her that night. That was him hitting you and hurting you. That was him ending his right to your support and loyalty.

He's abandoned the marriage. You ending his green card is just cleaning up the detritus of his choices.

Of course he now feels bad, he realizes now he screwed you over and himself too at the same time, if you give him the green card he will simply dump you 5 min afterward to go be with her.

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I want to smile again

Discussion Starter · #13 · Dec 5, 2012

The lies just keep piling up, I asked her to leave him alone so we can figure out what the hell is going on, i found out last week she got back in my car two days after i nicely talk to her.
Thank You for your feedback, please keep replying and i'll update you guys.
From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.

warlock07

· #14 · Dec 5, 2012

You know what you have to do. You are lucky that you don't have kids.

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I want to smile again

Discussion Starter · #15 · Dec 5, 2012

Warlock07: i know, it's just too much for me to take. It happened so fast and each day i'm learning more about the relationship.
I feel like crap, i wish i could bug his phone to monitor his convos and text messages.

warlock07

· #16 · Dec 5, 2012

I want to smile again said:
Warlock07: i know, it's just too much for me to take. It happened so fast and each day i'm learning more about the relationship.
I feel like crap, i wish i could bug his phone to monitor his convos and text messages.

He is still cheating even after he confessed ?

How did he come about confessing the first time ? Was he forced to or did he do it out of guilt ?

alte Dame

· #17 · Dec 5, 2012

I don't think you need to do any sleuthing. Just let him go. Retract the petition and divorce him. You're too young to have your entire life defined by this.

I know you love him, but he's not a good man. You deserve to find a good man.

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I want to smile again

Discussion Starter · #18 · Dec 5, 2012

Warlock: He came to me one day and told me. I lied and said it was just sexual and that he's sorry. But that same night he picked her up from work and they had sex in my truck.

When i called her, she told me she wasn't aware that he was married, i asked her to stay away from him and she agreed.
But things weren't adding me, he's always with this so called best friend, i found many pictures from his laptop and he changed his email and fb password.

Just tonight, i was going over the phone bill, i found out they're still talking and he confessed to me that he's been seeing her and now it's really over. He had the nerve to cry and told me he loves me and will spend the rest of his life fighting for us.

So i asked him to give me the password to his phone, he refused. We spent 40 minutes going at it, he wouldn't give me the password.Turns out when i called the girl, she also broke down and said she felt guilty and that it was over...when they had sex 2 weeks ago....so fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me.
At this point, it's just too much for me. This whole mess is wayyyy too much for me to handle, it's not worth it. I do love him, but i deserve better.

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AngryandUsed

· #19 · Dec 5, 2012

IW2SA,

If you want to smile again, get rid of him.

He is using you. Disrespect. Would you like to live with him?

Take care,
AU

Reactions: 1

Malaise

· #20 · Dec 5, 2012

I want to smile again said:
Warlock: He came to me one day and told me. I lied and said it was just sexual and that he's sorry. But that same night he picked her up from work and they had sex in my truck.

When i called her, she told me she wasn't aware that he was married, i asked her to stay away from him and she agreed.
But things weren't adding me, he's always with this so called best friend, i found many pictures from his laptop and he changed his email and fb password.

Just tonight, i was going over the phone bill, i found out they're still talking and he confessed to me that he's been seeing her and now it's really over. He had the nerve to cry and told me he loves me and will spend the rest of his life fighting for us.
So i asked him to give me the password to his phone, he refused. We spent 40 minutes going at it, he wouldn't give me the password.Turns out when i called the girl, she also broke down and said she felt guilty and that it was over...when they had sex 2 weeks ago....so fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me.
At this point, it's just too much for me. This whole mess is wayyyy too much for me to handle, it's not worth it. I do love him, but i deserve better.

He's crying for his green card, not for his marriage.

Reactions: 5

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