[SFrick76]

I have a few issues that I am having with my marriage. After 12 years of being together, two young children and now separation I am taking the steps to heal. I have an individual counselor, going to groups, behavioral therapy and am trying very hard to cope with my issues and the mess I made. Im in not any way blaming her for anything. I know it takes two, but I made the decisions I made.

I have a something that Id like to share as well as get feedback on.

My wife was married at 21 and seperated by the time she was 23.
She was with her first husband for 6 years, very unhappy years as I was told.

We met when she was 25, I was 24. She had a few one night stands as a rebound as well as a hostile and messy relationship with her exhusbands friend. When we met it was magic..

We were together for just about two years when I asked her to marry me.

Long story short. In an argument she stated that the night before our wedding her ex had contacted her begging her not to marry me and that he still loved her. She kept this a secret for over 6 years. I did notice that the night before the wedding she was acting very withdrawn and nervous.... very much diffrently than the day before where she was so in love and excited.

I am having a hard time coping with her keeping this a secret. In fact, if she had told me and assured me that I was the one and noone else could ever make her feel like I do....then I would have felt king!

Should I feel betrayed? Is this a big deal.... Is this honesty and being completely open? Was starting a marriage with this the right thing to do? We are in a heap of issues now...with two young daughters. I dont want this, I love her dearly but I feel she checked out years ago.

I want to cope with my feelings and wonder if I need justification?

 

[Waking up to life]

What does she say her response was to her ex when he told her that? Did she or does she still secretly love him? If not, then maybe she didn't tell you because she could foresee that it would unnecessarily hurt you. She can't help that her ex contacted her. Her response is the important and missing info here.

 

[Jonesey]

Long story short. In an argument she stated that the night before our wedding her ex had contacted her begging her not to marry me and that he still loved her Why would he do that?? Makes no sense.Considering the length of the time they have been divorced

She kept this a secret for over 6 years.Yes ,see the bolded part.In argument she tells you?? Sound weird..''

I did notice that the night before the wedding she was acting very withdrawn and nervous....[/B] This is the thing that i would worry me much.Given the bolded part.You could argue she vars nervous you would find out.And call it off.But then again,if her ex just called out of the blue,why not just mention it?


very much diffrently than the day before where she was so in love and excited. When did she back to that loving person again,how long did it take?

 

[SFrick76]

What does she say her response was to her ex when he told her that? Did she or does she still secretly love him? If not, then maybe she didn't tell you because she could foresee that it would unnecessarily hurt you. She can't help that her ex contacted her. Her response is the important and missing info here.

I found out after 6 years. Also, in the heat of an argument. She claims she didnt call him back or respond to the email. She also claims she didnt love him. Both things which would have not hurt me. Especially if she had been loving and told me how much I meant to her and why I was the one she desired and wanted to marry for the right reasons...Would have been flattered not hurt.

She had no contact with him in over two years and that was to sign divorce papers... He had contact with her brother, her brother told him about the marriage. I guess he had hope. He has moved on, gotten married and has a liitle girl. Im happy for his success and happy second marriage. He is not a bad guy at all from what I know.

 

[SFrick76]

Long story short. In an argument she stated that the night before our wedding her ex had contacted her begging her not to marry me and that he still loved her Why would he do that?? Makes no sense.Considering the length of the time they have been divorced

I guess his heart has hope. Just like mine still does. Dont know what you got until its gone!

She kept this a secret for over 6 years.Yes ,see the bolded part.In argument she tells you?? Sound weird..''

Exactly, it was weird. I took it very badly... Not something that should have been kept a secret.

I did notice that the night before the wedding she was acting very withdrawn and nervous....[/B] This is the thing that i would worry me much.Given the bolded part.You could argue she vars nervous you would find out.And call it off.But then again,if her ex just called out of the blue,why not just mention it?

If handled in a loving and caring way all would have been fine. I loved her so much that a tank standing in my way wouldnt have stopped me from marrying her.


very much diffrently than the day before where she was so in love and excited. When did she back to that loving person again,how long did it take?

Not sure....still trying to figure that one out, lol.... Im not sure. I was naive and had no clue about her secret. We got married and it was unforgettable. Things started getting hard about 3 years later.

 

[RClawson]

Sounds like she has not reconciled her past and few people know what that is like better than me. I would not try to get back with her until you have drawn all that out and make sure it means nothing at all any longer. Any other way and it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

 

[SFrick76]

Sounds like she has not reconciled her past and few people know what that is like better than me. I would not try to get back with her until you have drawn all that out and make sure it means nothing at all any longer. Any other way and it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

So, was she protecting her feelings or mine.... hmmm?