Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been married for ten years. He cheated on me once around our first anniversary. I didn't think that I would ever get over that, but eventually I did. Three weeks ago, he told me he was cheating again and she may be pregnant. He also admitted to being with 5 women total since we were married. He left me that night, but came back the next morning. He was supposed to have ended things with her the next day and he said she wasn't pregnant. Since then, I know of 2 or 3 more times he has seen her. We have argued and I have cried ever since. I can't stop crying. Yesterday morning I told him that the only way that we can try to work things out, is if he calls her in front of me and ends it for good. He wont. He has also tried to say that I have cheated on him, but I haven't. I have two children that have been devastated with me over this. I need advice that anyone can give me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,303 Posts
Hi. Sorry for the pain. There will be many responses soon, so hang tight but in the interim you need to start getting in control.
He has told you that he will not end it so he must go to her.
Stop asking him. take control. Get angry.

First though. i imagine you have been in some trauma and as bad as it is you can help reduce it a little.
Exercise. This will do two things. Clear the byproducts of adrenalin which are toxic and make you tired.
Eat!
Sardines on toast if you can. Oily fish reduces stress by 30%
Drugs
Go see your Doctor and get some help. There is no shame in it. You have two kids to look after. They are your priority.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He said he wasn't calling her yet?i have been to the doc three times since this began. The meds aren't helping any, I wish I could stop crying all the time. Every time I talk or think about this whole situation I just start crying and I can't stop. This has caused my heart rate to double and my bp is super high. I told him that I just want to know if he is going or staying. I am willing to forgive him if I hear him dump her. She is younger and also has 2 children. He sees her kids more than his own. It just makes me so mad. I want to be happy again and not so depressed. Help me
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,427 Posts
How could you ever be happy with a man who has had 5 women that you know of in 10 years of marriage? Someone who puts his needs above all else and a strangers children above his own?

I just don't understand.

You have some serious confidence and self esteem issues. And they are causing you to want someone who abuses his family. Someone who neglects his family. Someone who cares for no one. Why would you want someone who utterly disrespects you in your life?

By your actions you are lying down on the floor by the door and have WELCOME written across you. And he is happily wiping his feet. It seems you are even saying 'thank you' at the end.

Really, unless you can respect yourself you can never ever expect ANYONE to respect you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
He would call her and pretend to end the A. So you need to start living your life without him. He has not stop cheating on you. He is a repeat cheater who will only lie about everything. So he would rather spend more time with her kids than his own (that is just wrong). JMO your hubby is not sorry for cheating on you. The A or EA with the OW is still going on. I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. That your hubby is disrespecting you and your children. A cheater only thinks of them.
 
  • Like
Reactions: TBT

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,427 Posts
He won't tell you if he is going or staying because he wants you there for if his plan a fails. Are you happy being plan b, or c, for the rest of your life?

Start doing things for you to increase your confidence. Friends, hobbies, exercise, get out and do stuff. Become good at something you always wanted to learn. Do something you always wanted to try. Only way out of your mess. By inviting him back and by needing someone so destructive you are inviting upon yourself a lifetime of misery and more knocks to your already non existent confidence.
 
  • Like
Reactions: walkonmars and TBT

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I didn't say I wanted to be happy with him. I live him but I can't go through any of this again. It's too much for anyone to go through. I wants life back. Even if it is just me and the kids by ourselves. I want to get through this and stop crying. My heart has been broken into a million pieces and I have to pick them up. I won't ever trust a man again. Ever! Thanks to everyone for being so rude and unhelpful. I just needed someone to talk to and help me feel better. But people just don't want to do nothing but blame me. I didn't make him cheat. He had a major problem and I know that. I didn't want both of my kids without their dad. But I guess that's how it will be. No more unhelpful rude comments please. I am depressed enough.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Again I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. But I will not tell you to beg your Hubby to stay with you. You have the kids to think about now. So I am telling you to start living your life without your hubby. You spend time with your kids now. You will find some wonderful people here. It seems like your Hubby is not going to stop cheating. So you put your big girl panties on now. You have not done nothing wrong. You can't make him stop cheating he has to want to stop. Plus your kids need you to pull it all together for them. If you can go to IC , you might feel better. Do you have family and friends nearby? At this point you need a support group .
 
  • Like
Reactions: TBT

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I don't have anyone. Nobody ever has time for me so I gave up on friends and family. It's just me and my children, and that's good enough for me. Who needs more
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Than you look out for you and your kids. Hubby may or may not be thinking clearly. You said he is spending more time with the OWs kids :mad:. Well you cry as much as you need. Afterwards you get upset about this betrayal. Then you write down what you need to do. I know you're in alot of pain . But you can do this for your kids. Don't wait for hubby to make up his mind. You make it up for him.
 
  • Like
Reactions: TBT

·
Registered
Joined
·
428 Posts
TCM, You are showing the true sign of loss. The berevement factor. The mood down turn is both natural and expected in this situation as you feel you have lost everythig dear to you and there, at this point is not future except a future of stomach turning anxiety.

First off we need to turn this feeling into an anger, an anger to set yourself and your children up for the furture. This IS a future despite what your pain tells you. You muct seek advice from a legal professional and start the process of protecting you and your children. They will advice you on what you ned to do and what your H can and cannot do. Its a sad thing admittedly that you have had to go through this but your H is clearly more focused on other people that you else why hurt you and your children.
There are many groups like TAM out there that listen and offer advice, some have excellent services that help you handle the emotional feelings many of which you are desplaying in your posts. However, whilst TAM members are here and listen adding in advice it is really YOU that now needs to take the control. In recent times your H has been the control factor, he has hidden affirs and relationships from you and coming to terms with knowing he not only is disrespecting you and the vows you both took he is, and I have to say this clearly not showing a love for you and his family or by the seems of it for the other people he is involved with. He is refusing to break contact, remain faithful and that will only lead to more times like this and the longer you hang on to a hope he will come back and all the pain will disappear the longer it will take to rid yourself of that pain. He is the main reason for your anxiety and gut wrenching pain. If he were a body part causing that much pain youd seek a dr to cut that pain out quickly - Therefore act now and as soon as you speak to someone you WILL see some of that pain lift
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Sorry to see you here. Like the rest of us, you haven't asked to be added to the list of betrayed spouses.

Listen, you have just been hit by a freight train and are probably in chok right now. Don't worry, it's normal, you trusted him and he chose to betray your trust. On top of that, he doesn't seem to regret doing it.

It may seem to you that your whole life is falling apart right now. You will see later that it is not.

First; you must look after yourself and your kids. Force yourself to eat healthy and get enough sleep. Second; you need to decide on an initial response to your husband. It doesn't sound like you want to have him back, nor does it sound like he is ready to come back to you. So I would suggest that you tell him to leave emmediatly. Pack his stuff and put it outside the door.

After this I think you need to work on yourself to gain some confidence and self esteem in order to get on with your life. Work out if you need to, do something good for yourself, clothes, make up, hair, meet new people.

That's it for now. Know that this has nothing to do with you, it's your husband who is broken. Unfortunately it had a bad impact on you. This is what you need to fix for yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,303 Posts
We have almost all been where you are now and we know the terrible, awful pain you are in. We also know how to recover. There are people here who have been through awful abusive Affairs and people who have reconciled, but the way you are and have been doing it simply does not work. It just destroys your soul.

Listen to what people are telling you. Get angry with him. The first stage of grief is denial . The second denial. You will flick between the two. It is good you are on meds. Crying is normal. The pain is normal. Collapsing in the bathroom and sobbing for hours is normal too.
We are here for YOU. Not for your Husband. Do not tell him about this site. Password protect your computer.
Stay with us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
332 Posts
I didn't say I wanted to be happy with him. I live him but I can't go through any of this again. It's too much for anyone to go through. I wants life back. Even if it is just me and the kids by ourselves. I want to get through this and stop crying. My heart has been broken into a million pieces and I have to pick them up. I won't ever trust a man again. Ever! Thanks to everyone for being so rude and unhelpful. I just needed someone to talk to and help me feel better. But people just don't want to do nothing but blame me. I didn't make him cheat. He had a major problem and I know that. I didn't want both of my kids without their dad. But I guess that's how it will be. No more unhelpful rude comments please. I am depressed enough.
Posted via Mobile Device
tcm, i am feeling for you. i am a bit beyond the 24/7 crying phase myself -- but just barely. i still cry a little every day, but not all day :(

i know for a fact that people on TAM don't mean to be rude -- they mean to help you -- but, of course, not all people and all marriages are helped by the same things said in the same ways at the same times.

i have had a health decline that began with my dday, too. i wish i could tell you that i have reversed that completely, but i haven't -- yet. i'm working on it :eek:

i don't need to tell you that you have been plunged into a deep well of pain, that everything seems upside down and unreal, and that you don't know who to trust (if anyone). even when you start to see the daylight, it will be painful! but if you haven't started to see it yet, you need to hang on for a little while longer and take care of yourself even if you have to force it (e.g., forcing yourself to eat). i know that, as a parent, being strong for your kids will help you be strong for yourself during this time.

if making hard-and-fast decisions right now feels right, do that. if it doesn't feel right, then take some time for yourself to get your bearings.

either way, soon you'll be looking more closely at how your WH is (or is not) participating in getting the marriage back on track. if he isn't doing enough, you will have an opportunity to address that and make some decisions.

today, show yourself and your children the caring that your WH is not showing. there's no one right way to get through this -- and none of us know better than you what's right for you. but please know people here do want to support your healing.

(((((hugging tcm))))))
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
Tcm,

(((((((Hugs))))))


Do you feel like a ship whose lost it's anchor? getting tossed around helpless in a vast ocean. We are here to help you through the storm.
I know you feel alone right now. Like you are the only person to ever experience this level of pain. You are not alone. I promise, you will get through this.

Coming here for help is a great first step. You cannot keep this bottled up. Vent here as often as you need. We are not here to attack you, we are here to help you.

I suggest you get some independent counseling. Someone who specializes in infidelity and crisis management.

You are in mourning and going through the grieving process. Its normal to feel this way considering the level of hurt and betrayal you've experienced.

Please understand your husband is addicted to a hormone called Dopamine. These affairs are feeding his dopamine addiction. His brain is in a "fog" from this chemical. I suggest you read up on Dopamine.

Your husband needs to identify the OW as his drug pusher. He is getting his fix of dopamine from her.


Take care of yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
I didn't say I wanted to be happy with him. I live him but I can't go through any of this again. It's too much for anyone to go through. I wants life back. Even if it is just me and the kids by ourselves. I want to get through this and stop crying. My heart has been broken into a million pieces and I have to pick them up. I won't ever trust a man again. Ever! Thanks to everyone for being so rude and unhelpful. I just needed someone to talk to and help me feel better. But people just don't want to do nothing but blame me. I didn't make him cheat. He had a major problem and I know that. I didn't want both of my kids without their dad. But I guess that's how it will be. No more unhelpful rude comments please. I am depressed enough.
Posted via Mobile Device
From what I read people weren't being rude or hurtful, it just hurts because the truth often does. I'm sure it woud be easier if we all lied to you and said that he hasn't called her because he never wants to speak to her again. Well the hard truth is even if he calls her and says it's over, you know deep down he'd be lying to you yet again. He's a repeat offender and if things did end with the ow by sounds of things he will cheat again. History will more then likely repeat it's self. Remember it's not you it's him that would need to change and from your posts I don't know if that will happen. You need to do the 180 now, not tomorrow. Take care of yourself and your children, they will help you through it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,427 Posts
I never meant to be rude. And what I said was not to criticise. Read it again. There was nothing personally attacking at all. It is your huge lacking in confidence that makes you see it as a personal attack. And your huge lacking in confidence that wants him back.

You want someone back who treats you this way? Therefore you are inviting more. Stop inviting more and boost your own self worth! No one deserves the behaviour he is handing out.
 
  • Like
Reactions: walkonmars

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,427 Posts
Your husband is a narcissist. And no one will EVER be happy with one. Only misery awaits of you take him back.
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top