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I also asked her if two months was okay (before all this drama) and she was ok and understanding the situation
If this is a choice you have made, what is she to say? She might have felt this was okay at first but 2 months is a very long time to be apart and she just might have realized this. What is she saying to you when you try to contact her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
It is not black or white, I always thought she was important to me but I didn't do the relationship homework well specially this year. The first 2/3 years of the relationship, despide up and downs, was wonderful. But I think she always thought she was giving more than me. On the other hand, don't want to sound like an excuse but it is also true that in the last year I was having other personal difficulties (like those family issues or job issues) so I wasn't in my best and I was more distant. And I guess there is the "took her for granted" part as well.
In any case, there is no way to come back in time and do things in other way. I had my wake up call now as you said but might be too late. It is what it is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
I'm trying not to contact her lately (and maybe is the best to no contact at all until we meet) we just shared some very basic how are you doing/sharing pics. The problem was (some days ago) when I started to bring up topics about the relationship and how I would like to make it better, which obviously was a big mistake since what she wants is to have some space. But maybe she already decided that she doesn't want to be with me anymore partially because I was annoying bringing the topic while she was having a peacefully time
 

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I'm trying not to contact her lately (and maybe is the best to no contact at all until we meet) we just shared some very basic how are you doing/sharing pics. The problem was (some days ago) when I started to bring up topics about the relationship and how I would like to make it better, which obviously was a big mistake since what she wants is to have some space. But maybe she already decided that she doesn't want to be with me anymore partially because I was annoying bringing the topic while she was having a peacefully time
The worst for a female, seriously! Your lack of response tells her that you do not care and you are unavailable to her. She has mentioned wanting more space....when was this mentioned? after you left for Italy or before. Space means she is evaluating for whatever reason and there could be many different reasons for this. I think the timeline in which these events happened is missing in your messages here and are important for us to get the fullness of what you are trying to convey.
 

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@Luca82 ,

I am a lady and I'm 60yo. If I said to my Beloved Hubby, "I reflected and now I am ready to take the relationship more seriously" and he said " ...is too late, that we dont match and that I can't meet his expectations for a life partner" I would let him know that I am VERY sad about that decision, but if that's what he wants, then he is free to move out and I wish him the best. (Well in our instance he owns the house, so I'd probably arrange to move out -- but you get the idea.)

Yes, this year you had some personal things come up that took away your focus from the relationship. Yes, you were literally in another country for two months, after being distant all year. Yes, it's been four years and no movement on commitment ... compounded by only reacting with "promises" after she's done. All these things truly do say that you are not life partner material. So from her point of view, I don't blame her. If she hadn't done this, you would have continued on your merry way "as it was" and she'd be alone in a relationship.

By begging and clinging, you are showing her weakness. Only moving on commitment AFTER she's done, shows you're acting out of fear, not desire to truly commit. Every move you are making now shows lack of self-esteem and inner strength.

SOOOO...instead of asking for one final conversation where you "hope" you can convince her to give you another chance, and instead of being dependent and fearful... stop. Work on yourself, your own self-esteem, your inner strength and character, and acting from a place emotional stability and personal power. For example, she has made the request to break up and said she doesn't think you are life partner material. Okay. Take her at her word and honor her request. If she wants to be independent (free of you), let her go. It's her choice--she's free to make it! And you are just as free to live a strong, healthy, stable life of character and quality without her!! Live YOUR life, following your morals and values. AND learn how to have self-worth even without someone in your life as well as learning about co-dependency (because you are acting very co-dependent and fearful right now). You can start with this book: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
It doesn't sound like you are even reading the posts. You just keep going on about how you hope it's not too late and you hope she will change her mind.

I wonder if you were this way with her, if so I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did.
I cannot change her mind. Is her mind who has to decide if she wants to give it another chance or not. I'm just preparing for the day to tell how I feel: sorry for doing wrong, this would be my plan to fix it. Then so be it
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
The worst for a female, seriously! Your lack of response tells her that you do not care and you are unavailable to her. She has mentioned wanting more space....when was this mentioned? after you left for Italy or before. Space means she is evaluating for whatever reason and there could be many different reasons for this. I think the timeline in which these events happened is missing in your messages here and are important for us to get the fullness of what you are trying to convey.
She mentioned the space after I was already in Italy, after the first month being apart.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
@Luca82 ,

I am a lady and I'm 60yo. If I said to my Beloved Hubby, "I reflected and now I am ready to take the relationship more seriously" and he said " ...is too late, that we dont match and that I can't meet his expectations for a life partner" I would let him know that I am VERY sad about that decision, but if that's what he wants, then he is free to move out and I wish him the best. (Well in our instance he owns the house, so I'd probably arrange to move out -- but you get the idea.)

Yes, this year you had some personal things come up that took away your focus from the relationship. Yes, you were literally in another country for two months, after being distant all year. Yes, it's been four years and no movement on commitment ... compounded by only reacting with "promises" after she's done. All these things truly do say that you are not life partner material. So from her point of view, I don't blame her. If she hadn't done this, you would have continued on your merry way "as it was" and she'd be alone in a relationship.

By begging and clinging, you are showing her weakness. Only moving on commitment AFTER she's done, shows you're acting out of fear, not desire to truly commit. Every move you are making now shows lack of self-esteem and inner strength.

SOOOO...instead of asking for one final conversation where you "hope" you can convince her to give you another chance, and instead of being dependent and fearful... stop. Work on yourself, your own self-esteem, your inner strength and character, and acting from a place emotional stability and personal power. For example, she has made the request to break up and said she doesn't think you are life partner material. Okay. Take her at her word and honor her request. If she wants to be independent (free of you), let her go. It's her choice--she's free to make it! And you are just as free to live a strong, healthy, stable life of character and quality without her!! Live YOUR life, following your morals and values. AND learn how to have self-worth even without someone in your life as well as learning about co-dependency (because you are acting very co-dependent and fearful right now). You can start with this book: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Beattie, Melody: 2015894864025: Amazon.com: Books
I agree with you, it was a very inspiring answer. I just would say that in this 4 years there was commitment, we were living together and talk many times about plans for the future. We had this crisis and everything is blowing up. If she wants to be free from all of this, is ok, I accept it. But in this conversation (which we arranged to have and I'll have to come back to our common house after all) I just want to say how I feel about all it. That I am sorry for being distant and that I am ready now to make things done. Then she decides and that's it
 

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She mentioned the space after I was already in Italy, after the first month being apart.
That goes right in line with my advise. Luca82 gave you some advise that goes a bit deeper than my own but it is spot on. You cannot neglect the lady in your life and expect her to stay. Two months to visit family is a vacation unless you are working in that location. After 4 years, I don't know why you did not take her with you. She probably would very much enjoyed italy and would have liked the opportunity to meet your family.

By the way, what area of Italy? I lived near Lake Desenzano midway between Venice and Milan for two years and absolutely loved it!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
That goes right in line with my advise. Luca82 gave you some advise that goes a bit deeper than my own but it is spot on. You cannot neglect the lady in your life and expect her to stay. Two months to visit family is a vacation unless you are working in that location. After 4 years, I don't know why you did not take her with you. She probably would very much enjoyed italy and would have liked the opportunity to meet your family.

By the way, what area of Italy? I lived near Lake Desenzano midway between Venice and Milan for two years and absolutely loved it!!!!!
I was working from that location in the second month. It was more a family reunion (first time after the pandemic started) rather than a vacation. We tried to come together but because of time, money and visa issue it was extremely difficult for her to come this time. She already met my family 3 years ago. Anyway
I am from Firenze, Florence, that area you mentioned is very nice!
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
Well we met and as somehow expected she wanted to break up because she wasn't feeling the same as before. I told her sorry for the things I did wrong and told her that I was willing to do my biggest efforts to make it work. Anyway, she said today that after thinking she thinks is better to have a break and have new start being open for new possibilities in life, but that if we become better, clear about the future we want and still like to have each other in life, we could life again if we are both for that. Any thoughts?
 

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She is saying that she does not feel that the two of you have been on the same page in life together. She had more serious feelings for you than she feels you have had for her and that probably has to do with your actions/ or lack of it and the fact that you took this 2 months trip without her.
 

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Well we met and as somehow expected she wanted to break up because she wasn't feeling the same as before. I told her sorry for the things I did wrong and told her that I was willing to do my biggest efforts to make it work. Anyway, she said today that after thinking she thinks is better to have a break and have new start being open for new possibilities in life, but that if we become better, clear about the future we want and still like to have each other in life, we could life again if we are both for that. Any thoughts?
It means she’s already sleeping with someone else dude, But maybe she’ll give you another try if her new man doesn’t work out (It’s nice to have a safety net).
Everything else is ********.
 

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Well we met and as somehow expected she wanted to break up because she wasn't feeling the same as before. I told her sorry for the things I did wrong and told her that I was willing to do my biggest efforts to make it work. Anyway, she said today that after thinking she thinks is better to have a break and have new start being open for new possibilities in life, but that if we become better, clear about the future we want and still like to have each other in life, we could life again if we are both for that. Any thoughts?
She is saying she wants to break up with you, but she doesn't necessarily want to be a jerk about it.
 
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