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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello from Italy, first of all, thanks for all the articles because they are very useful and inspiring. I have been with my gf/exgf for almost 4 years now. The first two or three years were wonderful together. But since this year particularly, things started getting colder and I was neglecting some of the affection and care that she wanted and needed. Now I regret that part. Time has passed and now she told me that she doesn’t love you anymore and that she realised how much she misses herself. The problem is that she told me over the phone, because I went back home to see my family for almost two months and I am coming back next week, when I will finally see her in person.

The first month away it was ok, talking every day and making plans for when I will come back, but the second month she started to ignore me more and I went nuts. Since then, things got worst. She started doing many things in her own, specially sports, with friends. First she asked for some time to think, then to break up. I was clingy and needy and told her that I reflected and that now I was ready to take the relationship more seriously but she said is too late, that we dont match and that I can meet her expectations for a life partner. I insisted over this different days by texting only to get more blocked. I don’t know what to do now. I will see her next week and even if she told me very clearly that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she doesn’t want to be with me I still have hope to change her mind. I know what I did wrong and I have the confidence to change things, but is it too late? Should I try to convince her? Will change anything the fact we will see in person after two months? Should I accept the break up when I come back and wait for another moment? How could I bring back her attention and trust?
 

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Hello from Italy, first of all, thanks for all the articles because they are very useful and inspiring. I have been with my gf/exgf for almost 4 years now. The first two or three years were wonderful together. But since this year particularly, things started getting colder and I was neglecting some of the affection and care that she wanted and needed. Now I regret that part. Time has passed and now she told me that she doesn’t love you anymore and that she realised how much she misses herself. The problem is that she told me over the phone, because I went back home to see my family for almost two months and I am coming back next week, when I will finally see her in person.

The first month away it was ok, talking every day and making plans for when I will come back, but the second month she started to ignore me more and I went nuts. Since then, things got worst. She started doing many things in her own, specially sports, with friends. First she asked for some time to think, then to break up. I was clingy and needy and told her that I reflected and that now I was ready to take the relationship more seriously but she said is too late, that we dont match and that I can meet her expectations for a life partner. I insisted over this different days by texting only to get more blocked. I don’t know what to do now. I will see her next week and even if she told me very clearly that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she doesn’t want to be with me I still have hope to change her mind. I know what I did wrong and I have the confidence to change things, but is it too late? Should I try to convince her? Will change anything the fact we will see in person after two months? Should I accept the break up when I come back and wait for another moment? How could I bring back her attention and trust?
You chased and text pestered her so she moved farther away. Let her go. She’s already gone.
Your actions needy/clingy are unattractive. Learn and work on that for your next relationship or you may end up the same.
 

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Hello from Italy, first of all, thanks for all the articles because they are very useful and inspiring. I have been with my gf/exgf for almost 4 years now. The first two or three years were wonderful together. But since this year particularly, things started getting colder and I was neglecting some of the affection and care that she wanted and needed. Now I regret that part. Time has passed and now she told me that she doesn’t love you anymore and that she realised how much she misses herself. The problem is that she told me over the phone, because I went back home to see my family for almost two months and I am coming back next week, when I will finally see her in person.

The first month away it was ok, talking every day and making plans for when I will come back, but the second month she started to ignore me more and I went nuts. Since then, things got worst. She started doing many things in her own, specially sports, with friends. First she asked for some time to think, then to break up. I was clingy and needy and told her that I reflected and that now I was ready to take the relationship more seriously but she said is too late, that we dont match and that I can meet her expectations for a life partner. I insisted over this different days by texting only to get more blocked. I don’t know what to do now. I will see her next week and even if she told me very clearly that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she doesn’t want to be with me I still have hope to change her mind. I know what I did wrong and I have the confidence to change things, but is it too late? Should I try to convince her? Will change anything the fact we will see in person after two months? Should I accept the break up when I come back and wait for another moment? How could I bring back her attention and trust?
Within the 4 years have you proposed getting engaged to her and then married?
If not, why not?
According to how your girlfriend is now behaving, you should assume that she has found someone else and has decided to move on. Because that`s how it appears to me.
All you can do at this stage that is if or when you meet her again is to try and discover her intentions, which is about all you can do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I did not because in that time I wasn't sure, but now I am. I guess when I reflected is at the time she was checking out. We only have been separated for two months, I don't think that is the case but cannot discard any possibility. I guess I'll have to wait until I see her to say to her that I regret not doing the things better, propose her a plan to fix the things and proposer a marriage and family plan. If she is truly gone, is gone, I feel like there is nothing to lose. I think she is more hurt, fed up and thinking that we don't match rather than just stopped loving me. That's my feeling but I might be wrong,..
 

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When they tell you they don't love you anymore, believe them.
If she was all that into you, she would be the one working the phone or she would have been the one fighting for your relationship.
You can make your play, but you better brace yourself that you may be walking away.
Use this scenario as a learning opportunity for you: 1) treat your girl the way you would want to be treated and 2) While you shouldn't act like an a**, needy and clingy is not the way to go either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
First of all, thanks for your replies.

If she is gone there is nothing I can do about it, but we will have this last conversation because we agreed on that, plus we are living together (for more than two years) so there is no way we don't see each other anyway.

This year I was kind of blocked and in a terrible state because other aspects of life (family, etc) and I also needed a break visiting my family back. But I didn't expect to be this kind of break leading to a break up with her. I realised that during this last year I was very distant and that took her for granted.

Sometimes happens that one reflects and realises things when is already too late. My reaction was to try to give her the confidence to get things better, but by this time I went into a clingy mood and she seems to be checking out. Is ok, the lesson is clear, but maybe in that conversation there is a chance to save the relationship. It is human to make mistakes. In a way, I think this crisis was necessary, either to break up or to start a new beginning. I am for the second, she is right now for the first. But I am pretty sure that can be worked and that I can do things other way or otherwise I wouldn't even bother to ask her for that. But it is hard for me know to get her trust and willingness back. If there is nothing that can be done, so be it, but we need to have that conversation and I have to make a plan for it!
 

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She is already finished with you but you refuse to take no for an answer. What you are doing is a very bad idea. Leave her alone and let her go.
^I agree 100% with this.

But, if there is any chance of her changing her mind (doubtful, but let’s assume) then you need to go no contact and show her that you too are fine with the breakup and moving on (although you’re not). The only chance you have…and it’s very small…is for her to miss you. And she can’t do that with you smothering her like you have been.
 

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is it too late? Should I try to convince her? Will change anything the fact we will see in person after two months? Should I accept the break up when I come back and wait for another moment? How could I bring back her attention and trust?
To answer your questions:
1. Yes.
2. No.
3. No.
4. You should already accept the breakup.
5. You can't.

Don't contact her anymore. She DOES NOT want you, if she did then she would be in full communication with you. It is very important to leave her alone and do not wait for her to come back.
 

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Listen you didn’t know for 4 years if she was the one. That means she’s not. You simply don’t want to be alone.

Let her go. She finally realized you didn’t love her and she’s detached. If you were able to convince her to stay there will always be resentment.

Let her go. Learn from this relationship. Use that knowledge in the next.
 

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you dont need to bring her trust and attention back because the one who left with all intentions so they will never be back and you must now move on and see what more important is left to you and try to learn from your past mistakes cuz thats what life is all about
 

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You only woke up when she was done? You’re not the first and won’t be the last if you did that but in general women who decide they’re done don’t change their mind. You can try but don’t be surprised if the outcome isn’t what you want. If it isn’t then quit trying to convince her and move on.
 

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First of all, thanks for your replies.

If she is gone there is nothing I can do about it, but we will have this last conversation because we agreed on that, plus we are living together (for more than two years) so there is no way we don't see each other anyway.

This year I was kind of blocked and in a terrible state because other aspects of life (family, etc) and I also needed a break visiting my family back. But I didn't expect to be this kind of break leading to a break up with her. I realised that during this last year I was very distant and that took her for granted.

Sometimes happens that one reflects and realises things when is already too late. My reaction was to try to give her the confidence to get things better, but by this time I went into a clingy mood and she seems to be checking out. Is ok, the lesson is clear, but maybe in that conversation there is a chance to save the relationship. It is human to make mistakes. In a way, I think this crisis was necessary, either to break up or to start a new beginning. I am for the second, she is right now for the first. But I am pretty sure that can be worked and that I can do things other way or otherwise I wouldn't even bother to ask her for that. But it is hard for me know to get her trust and willingness back. If there is nothing that can be done, so be it, but we need to have that conversation and I have to make a plan for it!
You’re still clinging to a hope that she will change her mind. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t, but you’ve got to be in a better headspace about this.

Get it straight before you meet. She is gone.

When you meet you can express regret that things went the way they did and you can take full blame for it.

If she is responsive to that great. If not, you’ll be fine because you’re ready for it.

But if you go with the mindset of begging and pleading then there‘s no way she will see any change in you. You’ll be just like you have been When she blocked you.

The truth? She’s already got another man and gone. Your actions over the last 4 years have consequences, welcome to the real world. Now man up and accept it.
 

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@Luca82 the person decided done and not feeling the other person despite being away for months because they found someone else or experiencing sex with someone else, and now they are undecided but at the same time don't want to get back to the old ways.

if you keep pushing and asking her to get back she will see it as stalking or pity - so stop chasing her and speak to her as no strings attached. sit with her and understand what she is looking for and ask simple questions " would you like to try us again with a new me?" if she said no, then it is no.

Man up
 

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I wonder if your girlfriend has not sensed that you were serious about the relationship and she finally, after you decided to spend two months in Italy without her, decided that perhaps she needs to move on. Four years and there was no talk about being together as a couple in the future, no engagement and then you leave on a long vacation.....what is she to assume? You see what I am saying? Do you have the desire to make a commitment to this woman? You need to have a heart to heart talk with her, not a begging talk but you need to explain yourself. If it was a simple oversight and you were bebopping in your own world, you have your wake up call now. Don't expect her to come rushing back though. In my opinion you took too long and did not take the relationship seriously enough. If she has been feeling this herself chances of getting her back are not in your favor, especially after a 2 month vacation to another country without her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I see your point but it was not exactly a vacation, I had to come back to see my family which I didn't see in more than two years and she could not come. But I agree with the bebopping part.
 

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I
I see your point but it was not exactly a vacation, I had to come back to see my family which I didn't see in more than two years and she could not come. But I agree with the bebopping part.
I was a military dependent spouse who lived overseas for 16 years so I understand not seeing family for 2 years and I understand traveling the distance. My advise remains the same. Why have you taken so long to realize this woman was important to you? Were you just kickin it and thinking she would not leave?
 
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