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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I didn't actually break an agreement with my husband but I think the fact that I thought about changing it hurt him more than he's letting on. I know everyone's views and marriages are different but I wanted to get some perspective on my situation before I approach the subject again with my H.

Here's the situation:

we agreed that we would try for a baby after I got my masters degree, which will happen in the spring. The plan was that I would take a few years off (I currently work part time) once I became pregnant and also stay home the first year or so.

The problem is that I recently got a great job offer that will be available this summer. When I told my husband about this, he was not thrilled, but he was willing to talk about it, and its caused some tension. Of course, I'm not taking the job, but I can't say that I'm not disappointed a bit. And I think that's where majority of the issue lies. He feels as though my thinking about the job means that I wanted to put him and our family second to my career or that this was about money since he is the bread winner. I tried to get him to see that this was more about personal fulfillment for me. I had to work really hard to get my degrees, so it was really exciting to get an offer that I didn't even apply for.

I didn't know I would feel this way or that this would be an issue because until the job offer came around I was (and I still am)excited about about adding to our family.This would be our first baby together, but we have two girls and his nephew.

Taking the job would have set us back a few years putting me at 34 or 35 at the most it so makes more sense to continue with our orginal plan but I think the damage has been done.

I know I tend to over analyze things, but I feel like things are a little different since this happened. What would you do in this situation? Or how would you feel if your spouse or SO was in this dilemma? Was it selfish of me to consider the offer?
 

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My thoughts... Life happens. It doesn't always happen as we plan. So any plans you make need to be "adjustable". If you can't talk to each other about things that come up with, who are you supposed to talk to?

C
 

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No I don't think it was selfish of you to consider the offer at all. Life is unpredictable, although it's good to sit down and come up with a schedule for your future, it's just as important to realize that there will be moments in life when things don't always go according to plan. This job offer was one of those moments. You may have considered the job offer, but you chose your family instead, since your actions demonstrate what's most important to you, your husband should take that into consideration.
 

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It probably did sting that you were willing to back out of plans he obviously held so dear. He was looking forward to having a baby with you and didn't want to wait any longer than he had to - my husband loves babies too.

I'd apologize for getting caught up in a moment and tell him that you've come to your senses. Do a slap your head on your forehead type thing saying you don't know what came over you and humbly ask his forgiveness.

In the future with men like this it's best to feel them out first. "Hey hun you won't believe what happened today. I got a job offer" then see how he responds before you proceed with all your plans of personal fulfillment.
 

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I would only add that the possible hurt he feels shouldn't be left as is. With only what we know of it, I would say wait for a good moment to reaffirm your excitement about trying for a child together and just try to make sure he isn't carrying any bad feelings forward.
 

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I can kinda understand I suppose. A lot of guys really like children.

So he was probably thinking you were just as eager to have a child as he was, and then you bring up a job offer that would lengthen the wait.

Theres nothing wrong with your personal fulfillment, but you came across as rather have the job than having the child as soon as possible, which probably alienated him a bit.

One thing though, you must not let it stay this way. Hash it out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
I would only add that the possible hurt he feels shouldn't be left as is. With only what we know of it, I would say wait for a good moment to reaffirm your excitement about trying for a child together and just try to make sure he isn't carrying any bad feelings forward.
Yes this is what I'm worried about, and why I posted. Sometimes, although not all the time it's hard to get him to open up about certain things.



It probably did sting that you were willing to back out of plans he obviously held so dear. He was looking forward to having a baby with you and didn't want to wait any longer than he had to - my husband loves babies too.

I'd apologize for getting caught up in a moment and tell him that you've come to your senses. Do a slap your head on your forehead type thing saying you don't know what came over you and humbly ask his forgiveness.

In the future with men like this it's best to feel them out first. "Hey hun you won't believe what happened today. I got a job offer" then see how he responds before you proceed with all your plans of personal fulfillment.
It's possible that I could have come off that way, but I didn't start off with all my plans for personal fulfillment. That conversation came after I asked what how he felt. When he asked me, I was honest about my feelings. But you're right we waited so long to have a baby that I think he doesnt want to wait any longer. I may have been too excited about the job
 

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Yes this is what I'm worried about, and why I posted. Sometimes, although all the time it's hard to get him to open up about certain things.
If he's the quiet type then at least reaffirm your feelings with him. Look him in the eye and tell him...hold his gaze. He will understand that you are putting a marker down (gambling term) saying "I mean this and don't want you to think otherwise". (Good place for a long hug) If you don't get feedback from him then at least you've done what you can do. After that your actions will speak for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to apologize again, especially if it came across as me wanting the job more, which wasn't my intent, and see what happens from there. I just feel bad about the whole thing.
 

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When he asked me, I was honest about my feelings.
Oh no there are times when it's best NOT be honest. Yes there have been TONS of threads here about the merits of honesty but in my world with a husband like mine being 100% honest would cause more harm than good. Same as what happened to you.

When he asked how you felt about the job you say "oh my I haven't even thought about it." Sometimes it's best to not show your cards until you see his first especially on HUGE topics like this.

Think of it as buying time. It helps to find out how they feel before you make your decision especially with men who aren't all that open.
 

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Renegotiating the terms of a plan isn't the same as violating terms that are set. Maybe you value personal fulfillment more now than you did when you agreed to the plan. He shouldn't punish you for speaking up about your thoughts. You didn't betray him. And, in the end you stuck to the plan. He should be grateful that you guys have good open communication and he should be encouraging that by not being resentful or grouchy that you talked to him about something he may have been uncomfortable about discussing, no matter how much it means to him -- it takes two people to make and raise a baby in this case and your opinions about readiness and timing do matter, just as much as his. You are allowed to have feelings. You're not just a vessel. Talk to him about how you feel about this tension and his reaction to your thoughts. Don't let the resentment build. This is the time to strengthen your communication, not let it settle down so it doesn't upset the apple cart.
 

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moxy that's easier said than done when you are dealing with a man like this. Trust me I've TRIED this very thing and got nowhere.

Yes I'm allowed to have feelings but I have to be strategic in just HOW I chose to express them. Doesn't mean I have less value it just means I'm smart. I know my husband and I know what does and doesn't work for him.
 

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We each have our ways of communicating. I just feel a little uncomfortable hearing about how OP now has to apologize for having feelings like this because expressing them has created tension. Maybe I'm too idealistic (my own marriage has failed spectacularly, so I suspect that's true), but I think that, too often, women walk on eggshells when they don't have to. I don't know much about OP and OP's H, but I do think it is unfortunate that just expressing these opinions means she's gotta be apologizing and calming him down. She did stick to the plan and asking questions shouldn't negate that, right?; shouldn't he be comforting her for the disappointment that comes with letting go of one opportunity when choosing another (even though the chosen one is a better one)? Maybe that's what friends are for, instead (I have few of those; over the years, h and I became our own world and he didn't want me talking to others about our problems). I'm chatty and I over-share with my stbxh and over-analyze routinely; I noticed that in my marriage, the more I apologized to smooth out my H's moods, the more it taught him that neglecting mine was okay. If we'd sorted out that communication glitch, we might not have had as much resentment that led to other problems. And communication seems so crucial when kids are involved. So, I guess that's where my frame of reference is. But, you seem to have more successful means of dealing with similar communication concerns as OP. :)

OP, I'm sorry you're missing an exciting opportunity, but happy for you that you're trying for a baby soon (vicariously double happy for you!). It's too bad that your h is being grouchy, but maybe expressing your enthusiasm about impending baby (and, baby making) might help ease his fears that you're not ready or something.

Must be stressful and exciting to plan for a family. :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Moxy - thanks for your insight and encouragement. This whole issue is still very fresh, but we are still communicating and being affectionate, just not as much, so he's not being rude to me or anything, just distant. Normally we don't have problems communicating and are free to express our opinions to each other, so this is why I started worrying about the situation. The other issue is that the past two days have been very busy for him so that doesn't help with trying to find the time to sit down and talk.

I probably should've added more details to maybe give some insight as to what he may be thinking. We've been married 4.5 years (5 in feb), but we decided coming into the marriage that we would wait a least a few years and until I had my degree since we already had a ready-made family. This would also be the first time we both would get to fully enjoy pregnancy since we both were young and unprepared the first time around. and admittedly, it's all I've talked about the last few months, so I think it may have thrown him for a loop for a second.
 

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moxy I don't see it as walking on eggshells. I see how broken my husband is. To me it's akin to knowing you have an overly sensitive child and you change your approach because you know how hard they are on themselves. My son is like that. He is such a perfectionist that he can't handle me being critical so I'm not. Just a simple tweaking of how I say things helps him from shutting down.

My husband believes he's unloveable, his needs don't matter and that he's kinda worthless. Knowing this about him gives me a huge heart for him so he's totally worth using my lip breaks. Again I can have feelings but they don't need to be expressed the very minute I have them. Sometimes it's better if I sit on them for 24 hours before I say something.

I don't for one minute feel bad if I have to apologize in order to smooth my husband's feelings down. It's not like I have to do it all the time only when I've spoken too soon. It's hard to explain in a post. :)

I like the expression God gives us two ears and one mouth. I've got quite the history of talking when I should be listening. LOL
 

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I think women have been given the gift to be Mothers AND be in the work force and contribute to the household (financially).

I feel that you've spent alot of money and time to get your Masters, why not use it? It would be a shame to work so hard to get it, then be a SAHM, which may be hard to get out of and go back to work. I'm a woman that worked through my entire pregnancy and went back to work 6 weeks after having my baby. It was hard to go back to work after 6 weeks; I can't imagine going back after a year! And in this economy, why would you turn down a great job opportunity? None of this makes sense to me.
 

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I know I tend to over analyze things, but I feel like things are a little different since this happened. What would you do in this situation? Or how would you feel if your spouse or SO was in this dilemma? Was it selfish of me to consider the offer?
I think you need to get away from the idea that the two of you will be in sync with your feelings on everything. You are prefectly right to feel happy about this opportunity and consider it. But all choices have costs. Sounds like this job would come at the cost of delaying a baby for some years (of course, having the baby comes at the cost of getting this great job). That disappoints your husband. He is perfectly right to be disappointed as well as feel conflicted on where he stands on this. Either way has the potential to disappoint one of you.

Neither of you is right or wrong in your feelings, and the idea that he should not have them is every bit as wrong as the idea that you should not have them.

The only thing you can really do is talk it through and figure out what will work best for you.
 

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I think women have been given the gift to be Mothers AND be in the work force and contribute to the household (financially).

I feel that you've spent alot of money and time to get your Masters, why not use it? It would be a shame to work so hard to get it, then be a SAHM, which may be hard to get out of and go back to work. I'm a woman that worked through my entire pregnancy and went back to work 6 weeks after having my baby. It was hard to go back to work after 6 weeks; I can't imagine going back after a year! And in this economy, why would you turn down a great job opportunity? None of this makes sense to me.
This!!

I am so shocked at how many women make this issue black and white. You can work and have children. Sure, it requires sacrifices. The same sacrifices you've already been making to earn your degree! No offense, but why did you go for the degree if you didn't intend to use it? Opportunities like you are speaking of (being head-hunted) don't come along often. Think hard before you turn it down.

You are putting the brakes on your whole life waiting to become pregnant? Who says you can't take the job and try for a baby at the same time? Why can't you you work through your pregnancy? Heck if you decided you still wanted to be a SAHM at that point, there's nothing stopping you from leaving the job at any time. Also I would assume that you would desire to go back to work at some point after the child is older, and it would be a good resume builder for you for the future.

I am biased because my experience is the same as what I have quoted. But I have absolutely no regrets ...I am a career woman at heart and find space in my life to be both a mother and hold down a career. Its hard, it takes a lot of determination, but I wouldn't trade it.
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I would also like to factor in that babies get SO attached to their Mom's (if they are SAHM) and it's hard to break that. Socializing babies at a young age if very healthy for them and helps when they go off to preschool and kindergarten. Just some food for thought...
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thanks for the input everyone. We had a long discussion this morning and will finish up tonight, but it basically boiled down him feeling a little sensitive to all my excitement but it also brought out some other issues that needed to be discussed. The most important thing in all this was that he apologized for his reaction and being distant.

Anyhow, Kag, no offense taken, and many of the points both you and SW raised are things I have thought about and still thinking about. It's not that I will not use my degree, it was one of my main goals since before I even got married, but just that I wanted to take a small break to care for and add to my family.

It was so hard to get the first degree that I didnt want to take the chance of not going back after we had a baby. But I also worked through my first pregnancy, so I'm no stranger to that!

Thanks for the comments.
 
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