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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I am 28 and he is 32. He many good friends, both male and female. I get on very well with all his friends, except one. This one female friend has me worried. When he is around her, everything is about this woman. He will follow her around and won't leave her side. We went to an outdoor concert under a tent and everyone was smoking. I have asthma and asked my boyfriend if we could step outside the tent. his response was for me to stand by myself, he was staying with his female friend and her boyfriend. On another occasion, which happened to be my birthday, I was ready to go home after a long night, but his female friend and her boyfriend wanted to stay. So he told me to go back to his parent's house by myself, which involved a train ride at midnight to a very isolated station. He didn't even walk me to the station. He gets very defensive of this friend and assumes I am jealous. I am comfortable with all his other female friends, because he he treats me very nicely when we are around them. It is only this one friend where he acts in a different way. Is this normal? Should I be worried or accept it?
 

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I would not accept my boyfriend making me take a train home at midnight by my self. If you focus on that you might start to make headway with him.

Are you livng with him?

Is he very protective of his cell phone? Is it password protected?
 

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He leaves his cell phone out all the time, but I have never felt the need to check it. I do trust that he would never be unfaithful, it's just the personality change that scares me. He used to fancy this girl a long time ago (they have been friends since university) but he also still friends with a girl he has known his whole life and they dated in high school and I have no problems with her, we are good friends
 

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The sad thing is, he wouldn't have to choose if he would just reflect on the way he acts around her and sorts himself out. It,s nice to hear I'm crazy!
 

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I'd have a huge problem with that behavior too. Sounds like he still has a thing for her.

I'd talk with him about it. If is willing to admit that he has feelings for her even though he doesn't want to, you can probably work on it.
 

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Of course this is not normal! And you should not accept it at all. He is being very disrespectful and dismissive of you when it is "inconvenient" for him to leave.

Making you stand outside alone when he knows you have asthma? Leaving you to get yourself home late at night? Defending her at the drop of a hat when you try to share your feelings and concerns? This all raises red flags to me. It sounds like they are closer than friends. You should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

If I were you I would put your foot down about this female friend of his. She is no friend of your relationship if he is choosing to be with her & her boyfriend over making sure you are safe. It's her or you and if he can't decide, I think he is not the man for you. Sorry to be blunt. You deserve much better.[/QUOTE]

:iagree:
Dump him!! He is much more into her than you. Even if they are not more than friends right now he wants to be.
 

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:iagree:
Dump him!! He is much more into her than you. Even if they are not more than friends right now he wants to be.[/QUOTE]

My experience is that the guy will willingly make more changes before you are married than afterwards. You don't want this woman around calling the shots in your relationship. do you and she get together without the boyfriends? Do you and she make plans together for the double dates?

Or does she insist that she only speaks to your boyfriend.

My advice is to take a stand now is you are considering marriage with this guy.
 

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i can't believe he left you hanging on your birthday, or any day! it's bad enough he preferred their company over yours, but to send you home alone at midnight? he cares more about this friend than you. He tells you to stand outside by yourself? I don't like this one bit. And by telling you you're overreacting is total blameshifting - like you're the nutso one. Since you're cool with his other female friends, it should be clear that this is not a jealously issue but a treating you like sh*t issue. If this was a guy friend he was hanging out with and treated you the same way, it would be just as egregious. And what kind of friends are these allowing him to go home by yourself on your birthday? If they were decent they'd say, "it's her birthday, do the right thing and take her home." time to move on or more BS is on the way.
 

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I once had this kind of boyfriend.. but he was younger, in his early 20's.. not 30+.. and it was more of a guy friend thing than a certain girl.

It seems like this is not immaturity but something else, more like being inconsiderate and treating you like a friend not long term girlfriend.

When these things have happened have you had fights over them? Are you making it clear that he is being an ass? Or are you just going home and getting over it in the morning?

I was with that boyfriend for a while and he told me (eventually) that he was not aware of his actions.. maybe this guy has no manners and no sense of "how to treat a lady"?
Does he open doors etc??

Either way.. are you going to continue in this relationship knowing he is choosing someone else?
 

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My experience is that the guy will willingly make more changes before you are married than afterwards. [B]You don't want this woman around calling the shots in your relationship. do you and she get together without the boyfriends? Do you and she make plans together for the double dates?
Or does she insist that she only speaks to your boyfriend
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My advice is to take a stand now is you are considering marriage with this guy.[/[/B]QUOTE]

You are not married, luckily. Her behavior is irrelevent. His behavior tells you all you need to know. Please, for your own good, move on.
 

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Don't go any further with this guy. Get out now. Trust me I've lived through this. He has a thing for her that WILL come between you. It will cause never ending strain and distress and distrust.

Get out NOW.. don't believe him when he says they are just friends.
 

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I agree with the others. He's still hung up on her and will drop you the second she takes him out of the friend zone. He's kind of pathetic really, not leaving her side even though she has a boyfriend. Do any of the other friends notice his behavior?
 

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Everyone's got his number except you, truffles!

Don't bother telling him to choose between you two, because he WON'T choose YOU.

The fact that he would send you late at nite to catch a train alone when ANYTHING could have happened...tells you ALL you need to know about his concern for you and your welfare vs. hanging on every word of wanna-be-girlfriend (and HER boyfriend....how sick and desperate and needy and puppy-doggish is THAT?!?)

Find a man; one who appreciates you and what you have to offer. In your bf's mind, you're just the girl he gets dependable sex from.

BTW: Your title is ALL wrong! His female friend is NOT getting in the middle of you two. Your problem is your bf's NEED to be in female friend's 'circle of light' instead of in yours. He's a moth drawn to HER flame, but she's not taking care of his moth balls, thus, he's with you.
 

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I really agree, sounds like he is more into her than he is into you, but she won't give him the green light (hence, no inappropriate texts between them).

It sounds like you are his second choice. Don't be surprised if he goes running to her the second she shows any interest.

If you two are wanting to take this relationship further, then I would insist that any contact with this female friend stop NOW. If he refuses (and I think he will), then you know where you stand.

Also, yeah, do not get more serious with him--you are lucky you two are not married yet. Remember, don't make someone a priority in your life, if you're only an option in theirs.
 

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He's so excited when he's around her that you become background noise. When you interrupt his reverie, he just tries to handle you to get you out of the way again.

I would have dumped him after the solo train ride home.

I had a bf once who left my side the minute we arrived at a party. He would go to the opposite side of the room and act like he didn't know me the entire night. In relative terms, I was the more physically attractive one & would get hit on throughout the night, but he never seemed to notice. After a while he asked me to marry him & I almost laughed as I turned him down. Why would anyone want a lifetime of that disrespect?
 
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