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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I find myself in unfamiliar territory. For the first time in a long time I am feeling vulnerable to a man and I’ve been behaving erratically lately. Meaning, I find myself sabotaging our relationship over something that might not happen.

Back story ---

I have been with my SO for 5 months but I met him in a professional capacity about 3 years ago. He manages a business and let’s just say I saw him every 3,000 miles for an oil change. Anyway, there was always an attraction and we had a harmless flirtatious relationship between us but I never acted on it because I wanted to keep bringing my car to his repair shop and I found out later he never acted on it because he was in a relationship. But 5 months ago, after bringing my car in, he called me and invited me out for drinks. And so it began. We live and work so close to each other and see each other about 5 days a week. Recently we have both told each other we love each other.

My issue, however, is his ex-girlfriend and the mother of his 3 year old daughter. It’s a very complicated story but his ex is from Guatemala. He sponsored her citizenship here and they lived together for 8 years. She didn’t do what she needed to do to get her U.S. citizenship and she got deportation orders against her. My SO was very upset about this and they argued about her lack of effort to stay here. They broke up but they all continued to live under the same roof. About 4 months ago she decided she wanted to go visit extended family in Guatemala. She left and took their daughter with her. They were supposed to have come back last month but she was denied entry back into the United States because she, again, dropped the ball and didn’t get the proper paperwork filled out. His daughter is able to come back but with his work schedule he felt it would be unfair of her to come back to a part time parent when she can have a full time parent in Guatemala.

Long story short (sorry) -- He is going there soon to visit for a week. He misses his daughter very much. But I’m scared. I’m scared he’ll realize how much he missed his family unit and the old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, will come into play and he will reconcile with her; which includes having sex with her. I am a logical enough person to know that I have no control over the situation and whatever happens, happens. It’s just that he and I have such a wonderful relationship filled with laughter, friendship and intimacy. We both acknowledge how very happy we are together. And although I have tried to break it off a couple times in the past we both find our way back to each other.

But my question is --- How do I convey my fears to him without coming across as untrustworthy? I don’t want to accuse him of doing something he may have no intention of doing. I also don’t want to come across as needy, jealous and clingy because at 40 years old that is just not attractive. But if I were to be totally honest, I really need reassurance from him because I am, in fact, jealous and scared. She’s a Latin beauty and the mother of his child. *sigh* I just feel my mood around him shifting lately and I want to be honest about how I am feeling and why. I just don’t know how. I don’t want to come across as a drama queen.

Pardon the pun but this is foreign territory for me. Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks for reading.
 

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if I were to be totally honest, I really need reassurance from him because I am, in fact, jealous and scared.
I would be totally honest.

You love one another. It's been said and established that the two of you feel deeply and care for each other, so why not tell him how you're feeling?

And of course, you know you can't control him or what he does, but he should know that you are concerned. You don't want this to end. Personally I think it's romantic. Maybe he will too?
 

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Just be glad that this is happening at the 5 month mark rather than later when you really have a lot invested.

Ask him before he leaves whether you two are exclusive. that means that you two are emotionally and sexually faithful to one another. If he can't agree to that, then you have your answer.

I would start moving on then before he even gets back.
 

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I understand your fears but unfortunately you have no control over the outcome. I think I would have an honest conversation with him about my concerns about his feelings for her being rekindled during his visit and how it would be understandable if that did happen. You want him to be honest with you and feel safe in doing so. i would tell him that my feelings for him have been growing and as much as I would like for things to progress with us if his feelings did change as a result of this visit to please be honest with me and let me know.

He may or may not be honest about it given worst case scenario for you but I think his actions/ attitude will tell you regardless. I agree with next time around, better to know now than later.
 

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Ouch!

This is indeed a tough one. I'm big on boundaries, but in this situation... he has to be down there to spend the necessary time with his daughter. He may have every intent on that being his only goal, but even if he sleeps on the living room sofa all it takes is for her to stroll down the steps at 2am, and lets just say, i doubt he's forgotten how she likes to be F'cked.

That being said, this is a judgement call you are calling to have to make. You obviously can't stop it from happening, but like mentioned above me, certain assurances should help put you mind at ease... a little. And let's face it, if he's a cheater, he won't need to go south of the border everytime to get some action, it will all come out eventually. So if you indeed love another, there has to be a level of trust with that love.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all for your responses. I definitely like the approach of telling him that although I really care about him and would love for our relationship to continue that if old feelings for her come back while he was there then that would be understandable. I would not be defensive about it because I want him to know he can be honest with me regardless of how much it may hurt. But of course who is to say he will be? And he may be 100% honest now and tell me that is not going to happen but who can really say how he’ll feel when she’s right there next to him? These are all rhetorical questions, of course.

I found out last night, by me asking, that he booked his flight and he leaves next week for a week. Apparently he booked his flight a couple days ago. And the icing on the cake? He leaves the day before Valentine’s Day. :(

I was pretty silent last night. He asked me a few times if I was OK and I just responded, “It’s just been one of those days”. I didn’t want to say, “Yes” and lie and I didn’t want to say, “We’ll talk later” and leave him wondering. This is a very stressful work week for us so I’ll be approaching him this weekend.

There is a picture of him, his ex and their daughter in his daughter’s bedroom. When he was in the shower I went in there and studied the picture. They really were an attractive couple.

Can you say… emotional self cutter? :banghead:
 

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I'd encourage you not to say or do anything that implies he's responsible for how you feel.

I didn't see anything in your post to indicate that he's a cheater. He did not let himself cross any inappropriate lines when he was with her and attracted to you even though he knew you for most of the time he was with her, unless he was acting like he was in a relationship with her while they still lived together and he was seeing you. If that's the case, then I think you have good reason to feel uncertain and should ask him to get his own room at a hotel (even if it's far away from where she lives) or go with him.

But in general, if your relationship is as good as you say it is, then he's not likely to risk that. Especially for someone who just proved to him (again) that her refusal to take care of important details has a major effect on the lives of people around her.

If you stay confident and show that you believe in him, he'll feel trusted and loved, which helps affair-proof your relationship. If you show him that you're insecure, he will feel untrusted to some degree no matter how carefully you word it, so I would encourage you to show him confidence and bring your insecurities to a friend or family instead. That's your problem to deal with, not his.
 

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I wonder when he was going to tell you when he was leaving? Maybe he's aware of how sensitive you may be feeling and is nervous?

I do understand how you may be feeling. I actually put my husband through something similar in the first month of us dating. What I did do though, was make sure I called him while I was gone. He was nervous, but he let me go and it worked out fine for us. I was in love with him. Not much could change my mind about that, not even an old flame I had loved since the 7th grade. lol
 

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It's hard to have a relationship with someone that has a child. They will forever be tied to the other parent.

Granted this beauty queen may be physically attractive, but emotionally and mentally perhaps she is quite the opposite, and perhaps that's why he is no longer with her.

He is with you now and has told you that he loves you. You can either trust that and try to be happy with it, or you can assess your relationship with a man that has a child and figure out if it's for you or not.

Surely this will not be the only trip he'll take to go and see his daughter, the mother, etc. How will you feel about those trips? Granted this one is over Valentines Day, but maybe that was the only time he could take off work? :confused:
 

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IrishGirl, I suggest that you find things to do that are interesting while he is away. And don't be so quick to respond to each of his messages while he is away.

I rememeber when my (future) fiance took a trip with his EA. He mentioned that we could go to the cinema when he got back. Over the entire weekend that he was away, he kept asking me when I was going to get the tickets, and I told him that if it was that important to him he would get them.

I do think now that if I had gotten the tickets, he would have been just a little bit too relaxed about things.
 

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What can he do that would make you feel more comfortable? The obvious answer is don't go, however it is unfair to think he can't see his daughter if it upsets you. To me you have two choices, suck it up and trust him or cut your losses. There is nothing to indicate that the daughter will be living with him anytime soon and he will visit her from time to time. If this is not a situation you are comfortable with, then don't waste either of your time. Doesn't make either of you bad people, just not in the same place in life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
What can he do that would make you feel more comfortable?
Answer: Nothing

We talked about it on Sunday. He said I shouldn't drive myself mad thinking about it. And how he wouldn't be making this trip if it weren't for his daughter being there. I believe him. I do. But that doesn't mean his penis won't be routing out a map for a side trip.

He leaves tomorrow for a week.

I have committed myself to watching after his pets while he is gone and I will live up to that committment but I made the decision to end the relationship when he gets back. I have anxiety. My stomach is a mess to the point I'm afraid to eat. I have trouble sleeping. And he told me on Sunday that he may be bringing his daughter back to the States because she has developed a terrible rash/allergy down there and the medical treatment is substandard compared to the care she can receive here. That means I'll never see him. Guess I should mention that his ex-gf and her parents (who live here) have no idea I exist. He's afraid if she finds out her family will cut him out of their lives and make it difficult to see his daughter. Her family is very religious and already upset they didn't marry. And they have a lot of influence over his ex's decisions. Yeah, ok, whatever. :rolleyes:

This fact, in and of itself, should be enough for me to say "See ya". But I do love him so which is why I stuck around after finding this out. But you know, if she and his family did know about me, I'd be a happier camper. But, as VFW said, I need to cut my loses.

I know I sound like a big baby but this is all too much for me. And I'll always, always wonder if something happened down there. There will always be that big dark cloud of suspicion. Neither of us deserves to live under that. At this point he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

:(
 
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