Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 34 of 34 Posts

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,273 Posts
His child’s mother won’t even let him see his son and to make matters worse his son lives in a completely different state
His child's mother does not have the legal right to prevent him from seeing his child. The only way he would have no rights to see his child is if the court declared him an unfit father or some reason.

His divorce took 6 years, from 2013 to 2019? The only time I've heard of a divorce taking that long is if the couple was extremely wealth (millions/billions) and there was very complicated accounting required to settle the finances. Being in different states should not make a divorce take that long. What was the complication?

Did he have a lot of debt that you helped him pay off? Somehow I'm getting that impression.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,852 Posts
It seems like he would need therapy to help his detangle from this mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,254 Posts
Each post you make is making this whole scenario sound like it should be on the Jerry Springer Show and he is sounding like some kind of whackadoodle. Do you have some good sturdy slip-on shoes that you can throw if you make it on to the show?

There is a lot wrong with this whole thing. Doesn't your gut tell you that this is nothing but trouble and drama and chaos?? If your gut tells you this trouble, listen to you gut and trust that this ain't right.

If your gut is not telling you that this crazy, then your picker is broken and you are either a desperate 30-something with Baby-Rabies and are willing to settle for a messed up situation with a crackpot just for the sake of popping out a kid or you have some self-esteem issues and need some individual counseling of your own to find out why this sounds like a good idea to you and why you don't believe you deserve better.

For starters only a nut would marry a 36 year old with 4 kids at 20 years old, so he has some screws loose right out of the gate.

Then the fact he could only hold down a marriage for a couple years is another red flag.

What divorce takes 6 years if someone actually wants a divorce and is willing to do the paperwork?

And unless he has been declared an unfit parent by the court and has had his parental rights taken away, no ex can actually stop a parent from having contact with their child. He is either a crappy father and a deadbeat and not actually trying to have a relationship with his child, or he is lying to you. Pick your poison on what is the better option there.

And the fact you are even considering having a child with him while he is so wishy-washy about marriage and with him coming from such a disordered marriage and parent-child dynamic is disturbing on your part.

What would your grandmother's reaction been back in the day if some marine on shore leave told her he has spent half dozen years trying to extricate himself from a marriage, has no contact with his current child, is unsure if he wanted to marry her but wanted her to pop out a child of his...... what would she say or do with that proposition?????

At best, she would have laughed in his face and walked away but there is also a good chance she would have been deeply offended and went to her brothers and father with that story and they would have hunted him down and ........ well, shall we say, expressed their displeasure with his idea. Why does this generation not see the lunacy of this situation when it would have been so chrystal clear to previous generations??

Just smile and nod and walk away before this situation gets any crazier.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,956 Posts
I sense some desperation from watching the biological clock ticking. You'll have buyer's remorse if you settle for him.

My opinion is you should break it off with this guy because it just isn't going to happen the way you want it to. You already know that. He may, or may not, ever want to get married again. So you are on indefinite hold with him. Instead you could be out looking for a high quality man that you fall in love with and who would be thrilled to marry and start a family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,331 Posts
Other than that, he is a great loving and caring man and that’s one of the many reasons why I’m still staying in the relationship but as time keeps growing I’m leaning more to having one foot out the door.
That's your answer right there. Decide who has the power in your relationships. Then decide that it's you.

During my dating years, I had rules for myself and the men I met and dated. One of my rules was a 2-year limit I placed on relationships. I wasn't going to allow any guy to string me along, nor was I going to waste my time with MrNotQuiteRight. Two years was long enough to know if a guy was right for me and whether we wanted to get married. If he wasn't or if we didn't, it was time to move on.

Establish standards for dating. Have your own expectations. Be in charge of your own life. Don't allow him to make decisions for you. Don't allow yourself to be strung along in this relationship any longer. You have been a convenient distraction to get him through his divorce. Now listen and heed what he told you. He has decided his life for himself, now you decide yours for yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,331 Posts
This is what I get for replying to the original post without reading any subsequent ones.

I agree that I would need individual counseling because there is so much more to the story that I truly do need to know which direction to take. As far as the relationship goes, I have invested a lot into it as far as helping him get the life back that his wife had ruined. It was his first marriage and first child and he was 20 when they got married while she was 36 with already 4 children. She used his credit and more for advancement on her life and thus why the relationship ended as it began and I’ve been playing “clean up” by helping in ways that people would call me crazy for. I do love him, his heart is very pure anyone that meets him will see that. Again fast forward two years going on three I’m at a point in my life I’m ready tohave my own family. (not tomorrow or within a year but at least working towards it) but Its like he cringes secretly whenever I bring up the “M” word
The purpose of counseling is not to give you answers or guidance or solutions to your problems. The purpose of counseling is to help you figure yourself out because you don't know who you are. Once you better understand yourself, build your character, and determine the person you want to be, you will be able to make better decisions for yourself and establish standards and boundaries for your relationships. You will know your worth and have more self-esteem.

It's kind of surprising you are 31 and still making the kinds of decisions of a 21 year old. At your age and him at his age, you have no business helping that man. You have no business deciding to be with a man who needs that kind of help. This makes you sound desperate for a man that you take up with and settle for anything, but I will chock it up to not having self-esteem and therefore no standards for your dating life. But you need to know that you and the men you choose should complement each other and enhance each other's lives, not one bringing the other one down.

Bringing up marriage to him and arguing with him about it is also something a woman of character would never do. You should never. You don't realize you are begging him to marry you by doing that? Again, it makes you look desperate for a man. He doesn't want to get married, then have the substance to accept that and move on with your life.

Setting standards for yourself means you make vows to yourself and establish rules that you will live by, such as "I will not do abc or xyz" such as "I will not stay with a guy who puts me down or mistreats me." Determine what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Tell yourself things like "If a man cheats on me, then I will....." Or, "If I meet a guy who doesn't have his act together, then I will....." And then bust your butt to live up to the promises you made to yourself because those promises will guide you through and help you make the best decisions for yourself even if they are hard.

Setting standards for the men you date means you establish expectations the men have to live up in order to meet your standards. For example, "He must be gainfully employed" and "He must be honest and truthful and not a liar" and "He must be considerate of me in bed" and "He must not be married or have a girlfriend" and "He must not have any vices, such as drug use, gambling, or alcohol problems" and "He must not be controlling" and "He must not criticize me" and "He must not check out other women in front of me" and "He must be respectful to me at all times" and "He must not have any domestic violence complaints against him" and if he has kids "He must spend time with his children and pay his child support because that shows he is caring and lives up to his responsibilities" and so on.

I couldn't possibly think of every standard you should have, but here is - 50 Bare Minimum Dating Standards A Woman Should Have By Age 30. And you can google for other articles on the types of standards you should have.

You learn a person by their words and actions so when you discover the guy does not live up to your standards and expectations, you give them the boot. You don't waste your time ignoring all the red flags and hoping they will change.

But two things you absolutely DON'T listen to is 1) a guy telling you the reason his last marriage/relationship broke up. They always blame the ex wife/girlfriend and make her sound like an awful person.who did him so wrong. They do this to hide their own faults and make themselves look better in your eyes.

And the second thing you don't listen to is a guy telling you his ex won't let him see his kid(s). But you already listened to that and fell for it and also have repeated that nonsense to other people. You don't realize how ridiculous that sounds, so you effectively allowed him to make of fool of you and you in turn make yourself look a fool for repeating it. If he wanted to see his kid, he would see his kid. She couldn't stop him because there is a court system that makes her cooperate. Maybe he complains he doesn't have the money, but a man of any kind of worth will find a way. That's the kind of man you want to consider marrying because this guy has abandoned his kid. He is a deadbeat dad because he doesn't want the responsibility, and he will abandon you and your kid too. He'll just find some other woman to help him out of the mess that YOU put him in is what he will claim to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
I wouldn't push him. I've seen marriages where someone was pushed into it, it won't be good. Technically, if you marry him, you would have children (step children), and since I'm always cautious about people remarrying with minor kids and not picking someone who treats the children well, my main question is do you adore his child and would you love that child like your own? Whether or not you have biological children of your own?

By the way, 31 is far from 45, you have time ;-)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
173 Posts
My husband was engaged before me, and he always gave mixed signals, one minute he wanted me to be the mother of his kids, the next he wasn't into it. So a year in, I broke up with him, told him we weren't on the same page. Never gave him an ultimatum. We made up 3 days later, and were engaged 4 months after that. So, sometimes moving on without holding any animosity toward them will do the trick.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,273 Posts
Two things.

1. Indeed sometimes one person in a relationship is a very bad seed and very much the reason a relationship can't continue. All it takes in one to **** it up.

2. There certainly are parents who withhold visitation with children from the other parent. In the end, you can't break into someone's house to see said child if they aren't cooperating. Especially the parents who up and moved the child far away from the other parent. Sure you can get a court order but in the end there is no one to ENFORCE it. Who you gonna call.... The defunded police?
All of that happened to the OP's boyfriend before the current defund the police nonsense. Most places in the country still have active, non-defunded, police forces.

And yes, the way to handle it is to get a court order and get the police to enforce it. It works.

As far as her moving out of state, if this is what happened... he could have file kidnapping charges against her or at least charges for moving the child out of state. He'd get a court order for the child to be returned to the home state. Again, yes the police will enforce that.

If he moved out of state, he could petition for have the child during things like vacations... half of summer break, half of Christmas/winter break, etc. He can even had visitation set up so that x number of times in the year he can go to the state where the child lives and have the child with him.

If she refuses to follow a court order, she's in contempt of court. Then she has to answer for that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
831 Posts
I wouldn't push him. I've seen marriages where someone was pushed into it, it won't be good. Technically, if you marry him, you would have children (step children), and since I'm always cautious about people remarrying with minor kids and not picking someone who treats the children well, my main question is do you adore his child and would you love that child like your own? Whether or not you have biological children of your own?

By the way, 31 is far from 45, you have time ;-)
Anything after 35 and you risk increased Autism and other disorders. While it can be done it isn't recommended.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,273 Posts
I am deleting a thread jack of a really nonsensical argument between two members. STOP IT. No wants to read this nonsense and it does not help the OP.

If you don't like someone else's post, just ignore it. If you don't like another member, block them so you don't see their posts. If someone attacks you, then report the post. DO NOT have a posting piss fight with another member. The two individuals involved in the argument here will get time out bans if this continues. You know who you are.

If you are going to post on this thread, post directly to the OP.

{Posting as a moderator}
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,786 Posts
All of that happened to the OP's boyfriend before the current defund the police nonsense. Most places in the country still have active, non-defunded, police forces.

And yes, the way to handle it is to get a court order and get the police to enforce it. It works.

As far as her moving out of state, if this is what happened... he could have file kidnapping charges against her or at least charges for moving the child out of state. He'd get a court order for the child to be returned to the home state. Again, yes the police will enforce that.

If he moved out of state, he could petition for have the child during things like vacations... half of summer break, half of Christmas/winter break, etc. He can even had visitation set up so that x number of times in the year he can go to the state where the child lives and have the child with him.

If she refuses to follow a court order, she's in contempt of court. Then she has to answer for that.
Ele, at least in my state, police absolutely do not enforce visitation. Ever.

I don't live in this state, but this is representative of the problem:

 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,449 Posts
In my big city, police are very reluctant to enforce a child custody order unless there’s a serious problem (i.e., child is in danger). I suppose they could legally intervene in any circumstance but in practice they don’t. Instead they suggest a hearing before the judge who issued the order. Like all else, what happens probably depends a lot on where you live.

He may say that she won’t allow him to see the child but who knows what the real story is. Maybe he can’t afford to fight or maybe it’s more involved than he’s willing to deal with. He could have basically written that child off and that’s why he’s so anxious to have a child with the OP without marriage. You never know what’s really going on with someone but that’s not a situation I would want to be part of.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,273 Posts
Ele, at least in my state, police absolutely do not enforce visitation. Ever.

I don't live in this state, but this is representative of the problem:

The article you posted is from 1996. I would not rely on anything that old about custody laws.

Perhaps we can just leave it at the fact that none of us are divorce and custody lawyers. We are all only speaking from our own experiences and cases we know of.

We have no idea if he even has custody rights. We have no clue what the Op's boyfriend did or did not do to enforce custody orders if they exist.

If the OP wants input on her boyfriend's custody/visitation issues she can bring it up.

The point that some are tying to make here is that when you are getting serious with a person who claims that their ex will not allow them court ordered visitation, it warrants finding out what's going on and not just take their word for it.
 
21 - 34 of 34 Posts
Top