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Hey all! I’m actually new here and I found this forum through google by looking up answers to my questions.. I guess one can assume the desperate need I have for an answer.

Ive been with my boyfriend for a little over two years, his divorce has finally came to a conclusion and in addition he has a child from thatmarriage. Let’s just say it’s one of those military impulse marriages since he did serve in theMarines.

Fast forwarding to today,whenever marriage is brought up, he closes up. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he goes quiet we even fight about it at times. One minute he says he wants to marry me, the next minute he says he doesn’t want to jump right back into another marriage. which I can understand but what I don’t understand is his willingness to have another child so eagerly?!
I’ve never been married before nor do I have any children of my own and I will be turning 31 in a couple of months. I’m ready to settle down and have a family my fear is waiting for him to be ready and before you know it I’ll be 45 and he still won’t be ready?
Other than that, he is a great loving and caring man and that’s one of the many reasons why I’m still staying in the relationship but as time keeps growing I’m leaning more to having one foot out the door.
Any Advice? Thank you for reading!
 

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Have you met his child? I ask, because he might be concerned as to how you and his kid will mesh. What type of relationship do they have at this time?
 

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Too early to know at this point but he may never be ready. Some never want to repeat that experience. You’ll have to decide if you want to take that chance.
 

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Have you met his child? I ask, because he might be concerned as to how you and his kid will mesh. What type of relationship do they have at this time?
His child’s mother won’t even let him see his son and to make matters worse his son lives in a completely different state
 

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Too early to know at this point but he may never be ready. Some never want to repeat that experience. You’ll have to decide if you want to take that chance.
This is why I’m confused as to what to do. He’s been married since 2011 and they had filed for divorce since 2013 and we’ve dated since 2018 and it’s only now that the divorce has finally been processed. Due to having a child and living in different states and his ex wife is enlisted in the military still. It has been such a complicated relationship in the beginning but I’ve stayed and weathered the hardest partsof the relationship up until now that everything has been so much better and smoother
 

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Too early to know at this point but he may never be ready. Some never want to repeat that experience. You’ll have to decide if you want to take that chance.
We have actually had a heated discussion regarding this he basically threw out there that “he’s been married before and he doesn’t want to go through the same headache again” but in the same conversation he would say that “he can see himself marrying me” yet he is so willing to have a child with me and that there confuses me. You don’t want to be reminded of how bad your marriage is but you’re willing to bring another child into the world and you can’t even see your first and only child now?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Some people don't ever want to remarry. If his marriage just ended then it's reasonable and normal for him to be hesitant. Divorce doesn't exactly leave a good taste in your mouth.
And that is completely understandable. Especially that iThe divorce has been going on since 2013 and his ex wife is really not a very nice lady. It’s a lot of baggage that he came to me with but he came to me willing to give love another try and it has been A BATTLE helping him unload and clean house and the whole two years of our relationship thus far has been helping him recover mentally from his marriage. So I understand it completely, yet now that his load is much lighter and he is so much happier that he’s free, it seems that he rather it that way (to me) but would love a child with me in a heart beat.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Couple's counselling and individual counselling, too.
I agree that I would need individual counseling because there is so much more to the story that I truly do need to know which direction to take. As far as the relationship goes, I have invested a lot into it as far as helping him get the life back that his wife had ruined. It was his first marriage and first child and he was 20 when they got married while she was 36 with already 4 children. She used his credit and more for advancement on her life and thus why the relationship ended as it began and I’ve been playing “clean up” by helping in ways that people would call me crazy for. I do love him, his heart is very pure anyone that meets him will see that. Again fast forward two years going on three I’m at a point in my life I’m ready tohave my own family. (not tomorrow or within a year but at least working towards it) but Its like he cringes secretly whenever I bring up the “M” word
 

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Sounds like your bf didn't have a particularly good marriage, and the divorce sounds like it was nasty. I can understand why he's gun-shy. The thing is, you are both on different timelines and in different places in your lives. Granted, you've put a lot into this. But there's a point where you have to detach and see this for what it really is. He doesn't want to get married now; he may never want to get married again.

My advice is to quit discussing marriage with him. He's not ready, and anytime you bring it up, he's likely feeling pressured. If I was in your position, I'd cut my losses. But I'm not you. You want children and a marriage, fine. But I don't think this is the right guy for you. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, it's just that he's got a lot on his plate.

Again, JMO.
 

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Sounds like your bf didn't have a particularly good marriage, and the divorce sounds like it was nasty. I can understand why he's gun-shy. The thing is, you are both on different timelines and in different places in your lives. Granted, you've put a lot into this. But there's a point where you have to detach and see this for what it really is. He doesn't want to get married now; he may never want to get married again.

My advice is to quit discussing marriage with him. He's not ready, and anytime you bring it up, he's likely feeling pressured. If I was in your position, I'd cut my losses. But I'm not you. You want children and a marriage, fine. But I don't think this is the right guy for you. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, it's just that he's got a lot on his plate.

Again, JMO.
Thank you for this, sometimes you really have to step back and see things from a different looking glass and you pointed that out clearly. Sometimes we are so wound up in feelings and emotions that we can’t think clearly and really see the bigger picture at hand. We truly are on different timelines and your signature stuck to me as well!
 

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But don’t agree to just have a child with him. You’ll be tied to him forever and you may not want to be if he’s not interested in marrying you.
oh no! I couldn’t see myself doing that, a child is just as much a commitment (more of actually) as marriage. yet he is more willing to have a child. These post are really helping me clear my mind a bit over the situation because it’s best to get straight up advice from people who don’t really know either of us than to get advice from family and friends who ultimately side with him or I. Again thank you and thank you all!
 

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I’m leaning more to having one foot out the door.
Lean more toward having both feet out the door. That's my advice. The last thing you want to do to yourself, having never been married before, is to marry someone with all this baggage. Your BF may be ready in a couple years. Like others said, you two are at very different life stages. It's sure not the best to pursue either a child or a marriage with him just now.
 

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His child’s mother won’t even let him see his son and to make matters worse his son lives in a completely different state
that raises an eyebrow... he won't fight for custody, even with more limited visitation rights due to distance?

Or the court wouldn't grant him visitation rights?

It's extremely rare for a parent to lose rights to see their minor child, unless there's documented abuse. It's also pretty brutal for a parent to decide they're okay not seeing their child, but more common I suppose, for fathers to do that then mothers.
 

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His child’s mother won’t even let him see his son
I didn't catch this on first pass..... guess what ? Don't only "lean" toward having both feet out the door, get out decisively and don't ever look back. This is not a "red flag", it is a gargantuan flashing 15000-volt neon billboard.....

the day will come when it will be YOU who is trying to get the courts to prevent his visitation.
 

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My husbands ex wife is a hell cat. She's literally a cactus. High conflict, drama loving. Ugh.

Their divorce was finalised in Feb a few years back, and we were married 3 months later. He's now been married to me longer than he was to her.

In your shoes, I would say to him "Your desire not to marry has caused me to feel uncertain about our future, I think we should step back and see other people".

He has every right to not want to remarry, but you also have every right to want to be settled with a family of your own. At 31, you don't have time to waste, hanging around for him to make a decision. You shouldn't have children with him if hes not prepared to marry you...that's insane.
 
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