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Brief explanation of our marriage - I'm 27f, been married to hubby for 3 years now - throughout our marriage we've probably had .. 10? Exciting sex sessions. I've tried to be patient as we had an amazing sex life before marriage. Lately its been very bland. And it's cause resentment on my side. I feel like I'm the one with the HD and him LD. Then when I remember our hot sex life before marriage, and how he was the HD, I think he might not be attracted to me anymore. I then thought maybe he wants me to come on to him. Initiate things. We have been under lots of pressure and stress lately but that's no mean for sex to be once every 1-2 mths. If I could have it my way I'd have it everyday and numerous times a day too. But .. I always waited for him to make the first move. Because of my frustration I figured I at least owe him the benefit of the doubt and will try to initiate.
So here goes, I showered tonight, as I do every night before bed, shaved, lotioned up, got into something sexy and went into our bedroom where he'd already been in bed, on his phone, like every night. I went over to him, asked him if I can borrow his phone for a bit, he handed it to me, I put it aside and told him to let it go for a while as I want to have fun with him. I started with a massage, full body, undressed him completely, (only boxers on) got on top of him and massaged him for nearly an hr. I then started to take off his boxers. He pulled them back on, said he was tired. I felt like I was slapped so effing hard. I couldn't believed he rejected me flat out. No reason. Everything was fine beforehand. It really really hurt me. He then went on to say "pls dont be mad, I just wanna relax in bed tonight, no pressure, no stress" I said and that's why I'm coming on to u, cause I want to relieve you of your stress and have fun for a bit. He said no thnx and rolled over. I'm so so hurt by this. It took all the guts in the world to come off as a bad girl for him and try to turn him on. I had butterflies in my stomach. And he so easily rejected me. I'm so hurt and can't help but think that he really is no longer attracted to me... Im just lying in bed (as he sleeps) with tears in my eyes ... What now?
 

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Don't give up... You got hurt once like this but this is a nightly occurrence to many men here that haven't given up...

Sounds like it's time for the 180... Wake his butt up maybe? What's he stressed about?

Why do you never initiate? A sexual relationship should have efforts made toward it equally by both partners...
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You think that's bad...try going 10 months without... reach over to your spouse touching their arm and get "You've got to be kidding!"

Um no I wasn't kidding.

We are working on that now together. I won't give up.
 

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I wish that my wife would do stuff like that for me except that the massage wouldn't last 10 minutes before I attacked her sexually. She's been great lately but initiating is still all on me.

Maybe your H did rub one out while you were in the shower. Don't assume it's an affair. Tough night; I hope you took matters into you own hands while he was sleeping.
 

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I agree with Topher and 40.

This happened to me once.

I had an on-and-off girlfriend when I was a young man and one night she just showed up at my apartment wanting sex. This would have been really good, except that I had just finished masturbating about a half-hour before she showed-up.

We were both young and she wouldn't have understood about my having masterbated. I didn't say anything. I just refused to have sex with her. She felt rejected. It really hurt her.

Keep in mind that this idea was built-up in your mind to have great meaning. This came out of the blue for him. So this hurt you more than he might understand.

Try this again but do this instead:

On Monday, tell him what you and he are going to do this coming Friday night together. Talk about it all week. If he knows about it, he'll put a hold on the masterbation so he'll be all charged up for you.

I highly recommend that you pick a date three or more days in advance and tell him that you'll both be making love. Let the foreplay last the whole week.

For a guy that only does it once every month or two, I'm sure you can get the frequency up to once-per-week if you pick a date a few days in advance and build it up all week with flirting. If you can get the frequency up to one-per-week, then he and you will have momentum and the frequency may increase to twice per week on its own without and special effort. Beyond twice per week in my opinion starts requiring effort in terms of scheduling when you both have other things going on in your life. Once-per-week, if it is quality sex, is enough to keep that loving bond strong, in my opinion.

I bet he's jerking off daily. If he knows there's going to be a big sex session, he'll take a couple of days off to store-up some stamina for when he's with you.

Also, I know he hurt you yesterday, but remember it came out-of-the-blue for him. The way he worded the rejection to you was in a pretty loving way. I don't think he's up to anything wrong.
 

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I don't get this refusing sex because you masturbated!

Masturbating does not replace sex. Not even close. In fact I get very little from masturbating. Have a hard time getting an erection to masturbate and rarely do it.

I am 48 years old. If I masturbated and then my wife came on to me, I would have no problem. I would be so busy making my wife feel good, I would forget that I masturbated. Give me 15 or 20 minutes and I will be hard and ready to go.
 

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My goodness.
Just reading the preparation was titillating!
shower,shave , lotion [ sounds like my wife at bedtime:D ] and still rejected?:scratchhead:

Seriously though,
I think he's probably into a lot of porn and masturbation on the side.
 

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I don't get this refusing sex because you masturbated!

Masturbating does not replace sex. Not even close. In fact I get very little from masturbating. Have a hard time getting an erection to masturbate and rarely do it.

I am 48 years old. If I masturbated and then my wife came on to me, I would have no problem. I would be so busy making my wife feel good, I would forget that I masturbated. Give me 15 or 20 minutes and I will be hard and ready to go.
Good for you, but I think you're the exception.

I'm curious if he is reacting to previous rejections, is frustrated that he has to masturbate to get relief and that night he did, and she comes on to him and he feels a slap himself.
 

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Can't believe I am saing this, but - do you think he could have just been tired? A massage for an hour - that would put me to sleep - I would enjoy it, but it would relax me so much....I fell alseep on hubbys chest the other night - he said I was snoring. I showered and was ready to get my freak on, but had little sleep the night before and he pulled me in and that was it. We made up for it last night though in betwee NCIS and SOA and then when we went to bed...just start earlier, and get sexy and freaky someplace other than the bedroom if you can.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I appreciate all the replies. Woke up today in a bad mood, obviously, as I'd been rejected by him last night and it really hurt. He's been trying to make up for it all morning (non sexually) and quite frankly I don't think I want anything sexual between us right now as I am still feeling a little sting from last night's rejection.
To those that inquired that it might have something to do with low testosterone, I really do doubt that's the issue. Like I mentioned - our sex life before marriage was on fire. We couldn't keep out hands off one another. And we were going at it 2-3 times a day, daily. We were together for three years before marriage, never saw any sign of ED or low testosterone. In fact there were times I'd beg for a chance to take a break as he was going at it any chance he could. It was lots of fun.
Even after marriage, we've gone thru several wild and crazy phases that were toe curling, mind blowing. Last year he went thru it, just out of the blue, and we'd go at it everyday 2-3 times a day, each session lasting more than an hr. toys, candles, whips, lotions, oils, blindfolds etc. I miss those days :/
I don't know if it's a loss of attraction, I don't know if it's resent, or maybe he is being truthful when he said he's tired an stressed out. He's jobless and has been trying to get back into the job market for a few months now and that has taken a toll on him. However, I don't pressure him into rushing back and earning the dough, I don't say hurtful things towards him because he's not working, in fact I try to help him out in any way possible (job searching, phone calls etc) and when all doors seem to close I reassure him and try to make him feel better about hisself.
I've never denied him sex. Ever. No matter how exhausted I am. I let him do it in any way and every way that he pleases. Let him finish where he wants. And when we are at a good point in our sex lives we are quite adventurous. But lately (6 mths) it's very dry and boring, so I figured I'd take matters into my own hands, get him really worked up, and go at it like there's no tomorrow, big disappointment.
And I do initiate just not take on the entire lead like I was going to last night. I initiate with a kiss, a rub, a tease, see how he reacts, if the kiss becomes passionate, hot, I go on. Sometimes the kiss gets hot and heavy and I start getting turned on, and could swear he would be hard as a rock by now, but then he'll withdraw, end the entire thing with a peck on the cheek, and that's that.
@ the possibility of taking care of hisself, or porn, we are open about that, I don't doubt that there are times he rather take care of hisself then get into a sweaty mess, but I know for a fact he didn't do so last night.
As for other parts of our relationship- aside from sex, he's extremely affectionate, very caring and loving, and I see no signs of an affair, everything is exposed between us, but I'm just getting lonely. It hurts to shower and put effort into looking good and sleep untouched. I take care of myself when I have to, but it's just not the same as feeling wanted. It gets lonely. And I honestly rather be single.
 

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I appreciate all the replies. Woke up today in a bad mood, obviously, as I'd been rejected by him last night and it really hurt. He's been trying to make up for it all morning (non sexually) and quite frankly I don't think I want anything sexual between us right now as I am still feeling a little sting from last night's rejection.
To those that inquired that it might have something to do with low testosterone, I really do doubt that's the issue. Like I mentioned - our sex life before marriage was on fire. We couldn't keep out hands off one another. And we were going at it 2-3 times a day, daily. We were together for three years before marriage, never saw any sign of ED or low testosterone. In fact there were times I'd beg for a chance to take a break as he was going at it any chance he could. It was lots of fun.
Even after marriage, we've gone thru several wild and crazy phases that were toe curling, mind blowing. Last year he went thru it, just out of the blue, and we'd go at it everyday 2-3 times a day, each session lasting more than an hr. toys, candles, whips, lotions, oils, blindfolds etc. I miss those days :/
I don't know if it's a loss of attraction, I don't know if it's resent, or maybe he is being truthful when he said he's tired an stressed out. He's jobless and has been trying to get back into the job market for a few months now and that has taken a toll on him. However, I don't pressure him into rushing back and earning the dough, I don't say hurtful things towards him because he's not working, in fact I try to help him out in any way possible (job searching, phone calls etc) and when all doors seem to close I reassure him and try to make him feel better about hisself.
I've never denied him sex. Ever. No matter how exhausted I am. I let him do it in any way and every way that he pleases. Let him finish where he wants. And when we are at a good point in our sex lives we are quite adventurous. But lately (6 mths) it's very dry and boring, so I figured I'd take matters into my own hands, get him really worked up, and go at it like there's no tomorrow, big disappointment.
And I do initiate just not take on the entire lead like I was going to last night. I initiate with a kiss, a rub, a tease, see how he reacts, if the kiss becomes passionate, hot, I go on. Sometimes the kiss gets hot and heavy and I start getting turned on, and could swear he would be hard as a rock by now, but then he'll withdraw, end the entire thing with a peck on the cheek, and that's that.
@ the possibility of taking care of hisself, or porn, we are open about that, I don't doubt that there are times he rather take care of hisself then get into a sweaty mess, but I know for a fact he didn't do so last night.
As for other parts of our relationship- aside from sex, he's extremely affectionate, very caring and loving, and I see no signs of an affair, everything is exposed between us, but I'm just getting lonely. It hurts to shower and put effort into looking good and sleep untouched. I take care of myself when I have to, but it's just not the same as feeling wanted. It gets lonely. And I honestly rather be single.
Makes you think though, some men get this night after night, after night - for years
Where does the confidence come from to keep trying.
 

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Massages can make some guys sleepy. Makes me kinda sleepy.

Was he in the military out of curiosity? Could it be a psychological issue?
Are his test levels ok?
Is he watching obsessive amounts of porn?
As for his phone...I mean, are there any other signs of him cheating?
Because, well, he had his phone. He did give it to you, so it isn't as likely, but still...
 

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He's jobless and has been trying to get back into the job market for a few months now and that has taken a toll on him. However, I don't pressure him into rushing back and earning the dough, I don't say hurtful things towards him because he's not working, in fact I try to help him out in any way possible (job searching, phone calls etc) and when all doors seem to close I reassure him and try to make him feel better about hisself.
This may be the source of the problem. Men in his situation will often feel like a complete failure and that alone can play hell on the libido. I must add it sounds like you are very supportive, but he may still feel like he's failed. Are you seeing any other signs of depression? Has he lost interest in other things he used to like? Changes in sleep pattern or appetite?
 

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I smell something fishy.

porn addiction,lover on the side, or health problem.


you don't go from 2-3 times a day to rejecting a beautiful woman who puts that kind of effort into arousing you.

somethings up.

I would start a conversation with him and get this figured out the longer you wait the harder it will be to rectify
 
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I am willing to bet it is the job loss. That will take a toll on a guy, knowing he is no longer providing for his family.

Also, I feel like if he was cheating, he would've been 10x more protective of his phone. You said he just gave it to you? If he didn't want you to see it, he would've said no, or asked why.
But he didn't. So I doubt it is cheating.
 

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Probably being out of work has made him depressed, and that can kill anyone's, especially a man's sex drive. Even if you are considerate of that it's very likely he's just feeling very down about not being able to find a job.
 

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@ Juicer- I'm 100% certain he's not cheating. Everything is exposed between us. All accts, our phones, everything. I know he's been through a lot lately, with looking for a job. But damn, I never thought I'd go as far as I did to seduce him and be rejected. It was more of a shocker. Otherwise, he's very sweet, very affectionate and very caring. But in the sex department - its dead.
 
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