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I’ve realized that maybe I was never in love with my husband. I love him yes, but I don’t think I want to be with him anymore.
Given what you’ve written here, I’m not sure why you’re lost and why you wouldn’t know what to do? It seems you do know.

How long ago did the communication with your AP stop?
 

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Well, now that you both have cheated on eachother maybe it's time to call it quits. You know how you feel and the only one left to stop lying to is yourself.
 

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Sounds like you want "Him" - so I would go be with "Him" and feed the masses and turn water into wine etc (sorry but I reserve capitalisation of pronouns for divine deities, son of God etc).
 

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Honestly the whole thing sounds toxic. You don't sound in any shape to be with anyone. The main thing I notice besides all the cheating that you both do on each other is that neither one of you is honest about how you feel, and then you resent it when the other person doesn't read your minds and know how unhappy you are.

You are going to have to really work on yourself if you are going to have a good relationship with anyone.

I also feel like I have read your husbands side of the story somewhere.
 

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It really sounds like you don’t love him, never loved him and don’t want to stay married to him - so why put the responsibility onto him to leave??

It sounds like you’re doing the coward breakup. You know what you want, so don’t pass the buck. Get off your bum and organise yourself a divorce. Why should he do it?

And also look into the future. See him in a new marriage with a wife that adores him, look at the happy snaps they’ll post... are you going to be happy for him or want the toy back that you never wanted?
 

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Met my husband years ago, but lived in separate states, he wasn’t kind to me at the time, but we were young and dumb. We end up talking again through Facebook. At this point we are living across the country. Me in California working my first job in my career and him in Florida. After a few months I decide to quit my job and move out to be with him. I even bought a ring to ask him to marry me. He decides to meet me halfway in Texas and that’s where on the same night, I propose (he says yes) and I get pregnant. Before this I need to mention that while I was preparing to move to Florida he cheated on me, just making out, or so I thought (will mention again).

This had a pretty big impact on me I know a lot of people see that as a grey area but I took it hard. For the next 2 years, one of which I was pregnant and then post pregnant, I was over compensating sexually. Trying to get him to want me and stay, I didn’t realize what this was doing to psychologically.

During the second year I started reading romance and erotica novels. I convinced myself that it was fine, they’re just books, that’s it’s fantasy and not real life. But I began to resent my husband because he didn’t act like the main characters. I began to see him as lacking. The sex for me became obligation, especially with a one year old. He’s always had a problem that the longer he’s in a relationship the worse the sex gets, he can’t last long no matter how hard he tries.

During the 3rd year, after a very hard move to a different state, in a small desert town, and during a pandemic, things seemed to even out. He started unjustifiably to accuse me of cheating with my boss, which was unfounded and shocked me. I know it was because he felt something was wrong though with us, with our sex life. I did my best to talk things out and make him realize that I wasn’t cheating nor had I even thought about it.

Then I met Him. He worked at a nearby gas station, at first I thought nothing of him, just a guy that works there. I wasn’t even that particularly attracted or interested at all. I loved my husband and only thought of him. Then one day I was trying to look nice, mostly out of pandemic boredom and he looked at me differently then any other time. Like he wanted me and I liked it, though I at the time wrote it off and was like oh that dude is attracted to me and didn’t really think anything else of it. But he kept creeping back into my mind to the point I would imagine him when masturbating. Still I didn’t do anything.

My husband wasn’t happy where we were and he made me quit my job and he wanted to move back to the State where we both grew up. I didn’t know it at the time but I resented him for this. I had found a good paying job in my career where others are struggling and he wanted me to quit with no future job prospects and move to a place I hadn’t lived in 12 years.

I don’t know when or what the moment was, but I started to convince myself that I wanted Him, just once, to feel something. That I deserved it. During the last month we lived there, I gave him my number. We start talking and I find out he too is unhappily married. Thus started a 1 month affair where we “fell” for each other. We told each other we loved one another, that he wanted me to stay. I didn’t though, I ended it and we moved, but we stayed in contact.

We talked more and I “fell” for him more. My husband found out about everything and that’s when Him and I stopped talking, or more accurately he did and blocked me. I’m glad he did because it’s allowed me to get a clear head about the situation and that we didn’t really love each other. How could we really?

Now in the aftermath, at one point my husband decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore, for a week. He changed his mind because he says he loves me and doesn’t want to plan a separate life and separate our child. That was when he admitted it was more than just making out the first time he cheated but sex. He claims he was black out drunk and taken advantage of. I still don’t know how to feel about it. Angry? Hurt that my agency was taken away? I don’t know both maybe.

During that week though and more as time goes on I’ve realized that maybe I was never in love with my husband. I love him yes, but I don’t think I want to be with him anymore. We've tried to revitalize our sex life too, but it just hasn’t felt the same. I feel lost and don’t know what to do.

Also I completely regret cheating and hurting my husband rather than just talking to him. I’m ashamed of myself every day and hate the pain in my husbands eyes which I caused
How old are you and your husband? How long was your courtship, prior to marriage? When you say "he wasn't kind to me at the time", be more specific. I am assuming (based on your timeline) that your child is about 2 years old? Is that correct? Is your child being affected by all of this conflict between you and your husband? Sorry about all of the questions, but your original post is somewhat vague. But, you both seem like very selfish, immature adults who probably have no business being married. Your little one is very impressionable and can see that mommy and daddy are not happy. That is who you should be thinking about. Not some gas station attendant that you fell in love with and screwed by the motor oil rack, because of some goofy idea of what love should be like, from a Fabio romance novel. Real life is NOT a stupid romance novel, in the same way that truly married women are not whores in a porno movie. See where I am going with this? I'm not sure what you are looking for here on TAM, but your marriage seems pretty damned destroyed by both of you.
 

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Strap on your seatbelts and hold on tight because both of you are very impulsive, selfish and have very poor self control and impulse control. It is going to be a bumpy ride no matter what you two do.

Hopefully for the sake of your children, you both start adulting real soon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Given what you’ve written here, I’m not sure why you’re lost and why you wouldn’t know what to do? It seems you do know.

How long ago did the communication with your AP stop?
We had good communication at the beginning, but once our son was born, we stopped talking as much, especially about sex. I think I’ve just been in denial about the marriage ending. I don't want to cause him more pain but I realize that there’s no getting around it. I’m better doing it now then prolonging his hurt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
How old are you and your husband? How long was your courtship, prior to marriage? When you say "he wasn't kind to me at the time", be more specific. I am assuming (based on your timeline) that your child is about 2 years old? Is that correct? Is your child being affected by all of this conflict between you and your husband? Sorry about all of the questions, but your original post is somewhat vague. But, you both seem like very selfish, immature adults who probably have no business being married. Your little one is very impressionable and can see that mommy and daddy are not happy. That is who you should be thinking about. Not some gas station attendant that you fell in love with and screwed by the motor oil rack, because of some goofy idea of what love should be like, from a Fabio romance novel. Real life is NOT a stupid romance novel, in the same way that truly married women are not whores in a porno movie. See where I am going with this? I'm not sure what you are looking for here on TAM, but your marriage seems pretty damned destroyed by both of you.
We are in our 30s, we never actually dated in person just spoke on the phone over months. He was just a typical young dude who wanted to play the field when we first met, strung me along but said he was too scared, even called me his “back up plan”.

I think about my son all the time, that’s part of the reason I stayed. I realize that’s not fair though to anybody. And yes I realize that the gas station guy was nothing and the situation wasn’t real and romance novels aren’t real life.

I wasn’t sure what I was looking for on here either, but maybe not your holier than thou attitude.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
It really sounds like you don’t love him, never loved him and don’t want to stay married to him - so why put the responsibility onto him to leave??

It sounds like you’re doing the coward breakup. You know what you want, so don’t pass the buck. Get off your bum and organise yourself a divorce. Why should he do it?

And also look into the future. See him in a new marriage with a wife that adores him, look at the happy snaps they’ll post... are you going to be happy for him or want the toy back that you never wanted?
I do love him, never said I didn’t. Just not sure if I was ever in love with him or infatuated and we both didn’t want to be alone anymore. All of the cheating articles I’ve read say that it’s ultimately up to him whether he wants to continue the marriage. After he found out I did want to make things work and try harder, but then he “left” and made me realize that it maybe what I wanted, but didn’t know how to say.

I’ve never though of him as a “toy” as you suggest, it’s hard to end a marriage when you thought before that it would last. When I look into the future and see him with someone else, I’d be sad of course because he was at one point the one person I wanted to be with. But I’d rather him be with someone who deserves his love and is happy. Not someone like me who cheats and takes advantage of it. Do you think it’s an easy choice to separate a child from either parent? Ending a marriage with a child involved isn’t as easy as ooop I’m done, bye. It takes time and consideration on both parts.
 

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I do love him, never said I didn’t. Just not sure if I was ever in love with him or infatuated and we both didn’t want to be alone anymore. All of the cheating articles I’ve read say that it’s ultimately up to him whether he wants to continue the marriage. After he found out I did want to make things work and try harder, but then he “left” and made me realize that it maybe what I wanted, but didn’t know how to say.

I’ve never though of him as a “toy” as you suggest, it’s hard to end a marriage when you thought before that it would last. When I look into the future and see him with someone else, I’d be sad of course because he was at one point the one person I wanted to be with. But I’d rather him be with someone who deserves his love and is happy. Not someone like me who cheats and takes advantage of it. Do you think it’s an easy choice to separate a child from either parent? Ending a marriage with a child involved isn’t as easy as ooop I’m done, bye. It takes time and consideration on both parts.
Nothing about relationships is easy as I am sure you know now. I see a few problems with the situaction just from what you’ve written:

1. you didn’t know your husband well when you married him.

2. he wasn’t all that invested in you when you did marry.

3. you were pregnant right away and that pulled you apart before you’d even really started building a relationship.

4. You both did not take your vows seriously.

I don’t know you or your situation beyond your words, but you just have so much working against you and a very damaged relationship. Have you thought about getting some individual counseling to work out your side of this mess? For instance, why would you marry someone who calls you a back up plan or that you have to chase? Why you allowed yourself to have an affair. These are some good things to start working on.

I wish you luck, no it isn’t easy, but it’s necessary to examine our motivations and decision making when they lead us to a place we don't want to be.
 

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We are in our 30s, we never actually dated in person just spoke on the phone over months. He was just a typical young dude who wanted to play the field when we first met, strung me along but said he was too scared, even called me his “back up plan”.

I think about my son all the time, that’s part of the reason I stayed. I realize that’s not fair though to anybody. And yes I realize that the gas station guy was nothing and the situation wasn’t real and romance novels aren’t real life.

I wasn’t sure what I was looking for on here either, but maybe not your holier than thou attitude.
Lost, I apologize if I sounded "holier than thou". That was not my intention. It's just that you seem to want some sort of affirmation for divorcing your husband. You are both damaged goods. Yes, divorce is probably your best option. But even after that, you BOTH need serious counseling to figure out why you chose who you did for marriage partners; to figure out why you both did not have boundaries to prevent you both from cheating; and for you personally: why romance novels motivated you to cheat on your spouse and child. Otherwise, you are doomed to repeat the cycle with some other poor guy. I do not know why so many people think the grass is going to be greener on the other side.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I guess all of you were right. Decided last night to separate after he gave me an ultimatum of my career (something I’ve been working on for 10 years) or him and other things of course. Thank you all for listening to my ****ed up story. I wish all of you the best.
 

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So you're leaving? You're at the point where this group can really help you with what you're about to go through.
 
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