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Both betrayed

1737 Views 3 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  twotimestoomany
Hello everyone,

Let me start out with a little background information. I am bi-polar and was on Tramadol for 4 years. I have been clean since July 2012. Yay me! However during the time I was on tram I was unfaithful to my H twice. First in 2010 I was sexting with someone that I didn't meet but it's a betrayal none the less.

I believe that was a retaliation betrayal because earlier in 2010 I found out H was email a Russian scam person saying some really nasty things about me and that we were not together and that he would like to be with her if she comes to the US. He was also in the start of a relationship with an OW that reached them going out for dinner and a couple of hugs and kisses(so he says). Anyways, we worked it out now in June 2012 I hit a manic episode along with the opiate use.

I thought the grass was greener and started a few online dating sites. I met a few guys in person. Didn't go past a casual meeting of just chatting no physical relationships were made. In September My H filled out divorce papers and met a woman. later in September I came out of my manic episode and was clean for a month and a half and realized what I had done. By that time my H was already in a relationship with this OW and fell in love with her and she with him.

Well, I was devastated and pretty much begged him to give me another chance. After all we have been together for 22yrs and he was with her for 3 weeks. So he said he would give me a chance, however, my current problem is he does not want to get her out of his heart. He has had no contact with her since October 20th but I know he is longing for her. How do I remind him of his love for me? How do I help him get over her? How do I deal with seeing him heartbroken for her?

How do I get over the feelings of rage, pain and injustice because he gave his body heart and soul to some ow? Im so torn and lost and hopeless. He doesn't understand the pain I am in only his own. His body is tainted, I have mind movies going on very badly. What's worse for me is he was intimate with her and I can't touch him with out the movies. He knows I did not have sex with anyone and didn't even so much as hug or kiss any other guy but he acts like I did.

How do we help each other? Is it even worth trying? I love him deeply and I know if it wasn't for the drugs I would have never done this. But that doesn't excuse the behavior. I'm feeling like i'm in a bottomless pit with nothing but boulders being thrown down at me. I am in therapy both for meds to control the bi-polar and talk therapy but my therapist is not skilled at this type of problem.
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How do we help each other? Is it even worth trying?
Of course it's worth. 22 years invested!!! You can find each other again. You can get through it. It won't happen overnight. You are still very new to this.
Your husband seems getting past the withdrawal from OW. Even it was a short relationship things can get very intense very quickly. He's still "detoxing". You are going to accept it.

Keep reading and posting. Hope more members can help you with it.

About mind movies and obessive thoughts some people begin to manipulate the movies when they hit: fast-forwarding them, rewinding them, making her fall off the bed, consciously add information to the movies, tweaking things, or changing the ending... whatever it takes to gain control of the image. Some others "change" the image in the head completely: when you think of him with OW, change it to two Mr. Potato Heads....or Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse.....or two dogs (which is more to the truth). Sounds crazy, but it works for many sometimes.

I found out thins online about "managing" mind movies (google it adding infidelity, there's more info).

Mind movies: Changing Your Vision: A Visulization for Overcoming Obsessive Images
Take some time now to lay back and relax. Take a few deep breaths and feel your body unwind.
As you do so, consciously, intentionally bring the image that you have been struggling with most to mind. Look at it in as much detail as you can. Hear the sounds and see the images that appear in your image as if they are happening right now in this moment.
Once you have the image firmly in mind try thinking about this as though it were a videotape or a DVD. Imagine that you can alter the image any way you choose to.
Keeping in mind that you can alter this scene any way you like, take your image and play it in reverse. Imagine that you hit the rewind button on your VCR or DVD player and you are now watching your image as it hums along in reverse. Once you have done this, press play again and allow the image to play out the way it was before you hit the rewind button.
Now see if you can alter the physical appearance of the image.
Try and change the size and shape of the people and objects in the image. Try seeing it as though it were tinted in a different hue. Perhaps you can make the whole image blue or green or pink. Once you have done this try looking at your scene from different perspectives. Try seeing it from high above as though you were looking at it from a bird's eye. Then try and look at it from below as though you were a bug watching the scene.
Finally come up with some ways of your own to manipulate the scene. You may try adding a soundtrack to your videotape if there isn't one playing, or getting rid of the soundtrack if there
is one playing. You could think about different scents in the room and alter them as well.
Do anything you can think of with this image. You may even want to make the people in it look like Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck.
As you do this realize that this image is completely under your control. The image occurs inside your mind and you can alter it any way you choose to. It is in fact your image. You have the
power to change it if you wish to.
Once you are satisfied that you can alter the image at your whim, bring yourself back to the present moment and see whether or not you feel a difference in your emotional state.
Most people find a sense of freedom and relief once they realize they are able to control the images they have been suffering with. Learning that you are in control of your mind can be a powerful experience.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg Ph.D., P.A
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Acabado. Thanks for such a positive post. We need more of that on here.

Thank you for your reply. I'm going to try the suggestions you posted.
Your upbeat tone and your kind thoughtful words are repeating in my mind and that is so helpful. I'm grateful for your post. Thank you!
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