[jlg07]

I don’t have a problem sharing. I have a problem convincing her the plan is viable, valuable, respectable, reasonable…

Why do you have to convince her? This is YOUR job, YOUR work -- not hers. She isn't approving a budget and you are trying to get a special project in so that you have to justify it.

I think you have to take charge a bit more at home. It's OK to say NO to her..

 

[LeGenDary_Man]

@coronado71

It sounds like that your wife have become the husband, and you have become the wife in your relationship and household. She earns much more than you and feels the need to "take charge" of every activity. You are NOT measuring up to her expectations.

In your words:

"She feels overwhelmed working full time and “doing everything for the business of our family” I don’t take enough initiative, don’t complete enough tasks, don’t follow-up/through enough or in a timely enough fashion."

You have recognized that she is overwhelmed. You need to figure out how to FIX this problem because this is NOT a healthy relationship dynamic.

You have also pointed out the problem in your own words:

"I tend to stay in my lane outside of work. I have no desire to insert myself or take charge of things that aren’t directly in my purview. I also suffer with depression and anxiety that often limits my productivity at home. This is a consistent source of friction for us."

You sound WEAK and withdrawn mentally and in your home. This is NOT how a man is supposed to be. Women resent weak men in general.

Nature have shaped and intended human male to be strong and capable by default. This is what makes him attractive to human female(s).

In your case, your wife have become the human male and this is taking a toll on her.

It is possible for a woman to earn more than her hushand but he should be strong and supportive regardless.

1. You need to fight off your depression and anxiety.

11 Natural Depression Treatments

Being depressed can make you feel helpless. You're not. Along with therapy and sometimes medication, there's a lot you can do on your own to fight back. Changing your behavior -- your physical activity, lifestyle, and even your way of thinking -- are all natural depression treatments.

www.webmd.com

2. You need to take charge of some activities and reduce burden on your wife. Acquire new skills for the needful if you have to. You should have sufficient energy to do things when called upon (or yourself).

3. You also need to figure out how to have some quality time with your wife.

 

[Diceplayer]

When I do things in a way she wouldn’t she says, “I knew I should have just done it myself”

My wife tried this crap on me a few times. Once in particular, was when I offered to make breakfast one morning as she is usually the one to do it. So I was opening a package of sausage and she started telling me that I was doing it wrong. I never said a word. I just laid the package of sausage down on the counter, got a bowl out of the cabinet, poured cereal into it and sat down and had my breakfast. She got the point without any arguing. She has tried this on a few other occasions and my response is always the same, drop what I'm doing and leave it to her. She doesn't do it much anymore.

You're not going to change your wife. You have some good suggestions here on how to change yourself. If that doesn't work, then you have to decide whether this is how you want to live between now and the time that you are dead. If not, stick around for another 3 years until your youngest turns 18 and then bug out.

 

[SunCMars]

I don't disagree that I avoid confrontation and I certainly haven't firmly established boundaries which is why the current dynamic exists. The only issue is how unhealthy the fighting is. Hours on end of venom spitting is dispiriting and up to this point has accomplished nothing beneficial.

That avoiding is understandable.
Who enjoys a verbal tongue-lashing?

Stress is a relationship killer, and a health destroyer.
This stress is what she proliferously offers you.

Not the below:

Comfort
Joy
Humor
Quiet times
Cuddling
Spontaneous intimacy
Inspiration and encouragement
Mutual likes and activities
Loyalty in all its aspects, minus any infidelity

.......................................................

It may be that pipe dream for any man to fully expect the totality listing above from a significant other.

 

[SunCMars]

Just a thought'

If you are on anti-anxiety medications, this may explain your lack of zip.
And/or, some other meds can have the same side effects.

Many of them turn you (somewhat) into a zombie.

Some of them also add to the male, Peter Principle problem.

These meds detract men from their maleness.
The peter retracts from sight, from verbal slights.

 

[Livvie]

If doesn't really sound like a lack of zip to me. We shouldn't confuse a harsh, judgmental bossy Karen's judgment as true reality.

 

[Anastasia6]

OP I've thought about your situation a bit and have some questions.

When you met and married were you full of anxiety and not a full partner? Or is this a condition that happened after many years...

It seems to me that she has gotten into the mode where she has to take care of way too many things because if not her who? You've stated that you sometimes don't do things she has asked you to do. So she isn't asking you to read her mind. You've stated that you don't always do things.... Well that can be a big mess if that is kids doctors appointments, paying biils, financial planning, and such.

So she has taken over things and this includes being responsible for you because you at some point seem to have abdicated responsibility.

Getting out of this mode can take a lot of work. But it also includes you actually being a partner instead of a responsibility. Plenty of people are telling you just walk away or don't do anything. I think the problem is you stopped doing way to much a long time ago.

I'm sure at the time she wasn't given a choice if she wanted to be responsible for everything or most things.

I can tell you in my relationship I am a teacher. I take care of the bills, the planning of everything for what groceries to buy to our retirement, health care, moving, his mothers medical care, vacations and such. It can be exhausting, mentally. I have a college age child who lives at home and goes to school. I can't tell you the resentment I have watching her sleep til noon while I work and then do the dishes too.

I imagine your wife is resentful of having to bring home a huge paycheck, and take care of most things at the house and not even be able to count on you to do a few things. I imagine she is trying to figure out how you will be contributing over the summer. You don't actually get paid for the summer the school district has a 10 month and a 12 month pay option (unless your district is really weird) by choosing the 12 month pay option they just withhold some of your pay for the 10 months that they do pay you and then give it to you over the summer. You'd make 20% more if they paid you over the summer. Anyways she is probably trying to figure out what you are going to do since you already don't do 50% and now that is going to drop even further. Most people when not working also tend to spend more for entertainment or hobbies. But it doesn't have to be money based though I can say I do our money and while we are comfortable and a large purchase isn't a big deal it hurts because it effects how much I can put into savings. So if you aren't in on the financial planning that means you may not understand the goals she is setting for the family. You have kids approaching college.

Our marriage functions as a team. I do these mental tasks because I"m good at it. My husband always has the opportunity to have input into all the decisions and we regularly discuss things. As a teacher, there are times I have to work over and times he helps with my teaching chores like grading. But here we are it's summer. I have a shorter than normal break of only 6 weeks. I now do almost all the dishes, cooking and just am typing from a Marriott because I drove him to a location he had to go for his job. I drove so he'd have about 6 hours in the car to look at resumes. He needs to do some interviews but has been too busy at work to weed through the resumes. I helped him unload his equipment last night, packed him a lunch for today and will bring him dinner at work tonight or he doesn't eat. I have planted a garden as we like fresh organic produce. I am coordinating his mothers hospital, rehab and referral care as she is in stage 5 kidney failure. I'm canning up homemade soups so that when I have to go back to work he can have healthy lunches on the go. I'll be freezing some dinners as well. I did a deep clean on our bathroom and will continue going around the house all summer. So he doesn't resent me having the summer off because I make his life easier when I"m off.

What are you doing? You say you are working on it. You admit you don't do your share. How does anxiety stop you from contributing? Have you actually just asked her if it's about the money or the lack of being a true partner?

Once you two can discuss things you can share how you feel. This seems like a deep circle you are in. She has gotten used to not being able to count on you and treats you as such and you don't appreciate being treated like that. And is it just the tone? I can be brusque sometimes when I"m in a hurry but my husband knows I value him.

I feel you two are both building resentment which is a marriage killer.

And harsh or not I did mean it when I said you have maybe 3 years to fix this. When you youngest child hits 18 is a dangerous time for marriages with resentment. You are unhappy, sounds like she is too.

Someone asked about your sex life. You didn't answer but it can be hint to how she's feeling about you.

 

[DudeInProgress]

I feel like my take charge executive wife is treating me like an employee and I’m not sure how to handle it.

Short version: I’m a high school English teacher who usually works at a camp all summer but can’t this year due to family commitments. I have secured a job teaching a one week course in July (for about $1200). I’ve also applied for another virtual teaching job, and asked a contractor friend if I could help out with kitchen demolitions. I planned to refinish the kitchen cabinets and reseal the deck in the interim. Today, in regards to these summer plans, my wife said, “I’d like to solidify a plan straight away…” Why is it so important to her that we need to solidify a plan for what I’ll do this summer? I get paid 12 months, she makes more than double my salary and we aren’t desperate for the modest money I’ll likely make doing summer work (though of course it’ll help). It feels like she is arbitrarily taking charge and I have little recourse. I don’t know how to respond. I need perspective, wisdom, and help!

Backstory (if interested):
My wife of 19 yrs. is a classic woman executive. She’s worked exceptionally hard for a seat at the table at which she still isn’t always heard. She’s responsible for a lot in the office and she takes charge of her staff to ensure it all gets done. Taking charge is kind of her thing, the kids and me, at the family reunion, in the grocery store with strangers. She’s most comfortable when she’s in control (can be very uncomfortable when she’s not). Her impatience also has a hair-trigger. I tend to stay in my lane outside of work. I have no desire to insert myself or take charge of things that aren’t directly in my purview. I also suffer with depression and anxiety that often limits my productivity at home. This is a consistent source of friction for us. She feels overwhelmed working full time and “doing everything for the business of our family” I don’t take enough initiative, don’t complete enough tasks, don’t follow-up/through enough or in a timely enough fashion. She is often very critical of and sometimes insulting as a result. I’m often very defensive and feel like her employee. Our marriage has almost always been tenuous. Resentment lingers in the air like cat pee at our house—don’t always notice the smell but it’s always there. I’m in behavioral therapy and take medication. I’m getting better at my part, but it’s a process.

There’s not much you can do about the summer job/scheduling situation until you fix the obvious dysfunctional power dynamic in your marriage (which is what we’re really talking about here).
Which you can’t do until you fix yourself (which it sounds like you’re in the process of doing).

Unfortunately, it sounds like your entire marriage/relationship dynamic is completely dysfunctional. You have not been taking any leadership in your marriage and have essentially forfeited that role to your wife, who is extremely resentful about it.
As a result, she does not respect you as a man or a husband. She treats you like a nagging, critical mother because she sees you as an incompetent child.

If you want anything to change, you will have to completely rebuild your marriage/relationship dynamic , which one means you becoming a strong, confident leader (or at least co-leader) in your marriage/family. It means not being passive, submissive or timid with your wife.

That’s what you need to be working on if you want to have any hope of your marital dynamic improving. And it is possible to improve such a dynamic, but after all this time, I’m not sure the odds are in your favor. Either way, for your own dignity, that’s the path I’d pursue.

 

[DudeInProgress]

That said, I still don't know how to respond to the idea that my plans for working over the summer were dismissed and now we need to solidify new plans "straight away." Why the urgency? Why the we? What was wrong with my plans in the first place? Why do I have no autonomy in this situation?

Because you’re choosing not to. This is on you.
She’s not your boss, she’s not your mommy, she’s your wife and you are her husband. If you want to be treated like a husband, act like one.

You are your own man and you don’t have to abide by her standards, you have to abide by your own.
That said, it sounds like your standards may be a bit lacking so you do need to step things up with your urgency, aggressiveness, competence - but it’s for YOU. it’s because you want to be a more effective man and a more effective partner, not so that you can be a more effective servant to her. It’s an important distinction.

If you want autonomy in the situation, then act with autonomy. What the **** are you so afraid of?