[farsidejunky]

Shouldn't I be? Does anybody look forward to impending cataclysmic struggle?

Most do not look forward to cataclysmic struggle.

That said, your lack of willingness to risk said struggle is largely why you are where you are, with your wife running roughshod over you.

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[coronado71]

There you go. Envy is a tough thing and she sounds like she masks it by trying to control you. She might have other issues too - you both might together, but I think that’s something she has to work on otherwise she’ll keep searching for something to keep you busy so she feels better.

This is just my opinion, but does your wife respect your profession as a teacher? To me, that is what would bug me, if I were a teacher and my husband expected me to work another job during my summer vacation - unless I wanted to or we desperately needed the money. You getting a job and sticking to a “plan” should be an agreed upon thing and not something you feel obligated to do just to keep your wife happy. Just my thoughts to it.

Wow, you nailed exactly how I feel. If we don't desperately need the money why the urgency? I don't mind taking on a summer job, in fact, l like staying busy and earning extra money, but I'd like it to be because we agree on it or because we want new counters or something not out of what feels like an arbitrary obligation.

 

[farsidejunky]

I'm aware that some people are drawn to drama/conflict however I'm a pacifist. Our fighting is unhealthy and 90% unproductive. Reason leaves the room within a few exchanges and chaos reigns. I'm left spent and fighting depression. No way I'm seeking that experience on purpose.

That's just it, dude. You don't have to fight per se, but you must be willing to simply, and CALMLY, communicate to her that you don't march to the beat of her drum.

I mean...hey...maybe this works for you. But if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

Change happens when the fear of remaining the same is greater than the fear of change.

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[coronado71]

Most do not look forward to cataclysmic struggle.

That said, your lack of willingness to risk said struggle is largely why you are where you are, with your wife running roughshod over you.

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I don't disagree that I avoid confrontation and I certainly haven't firmly established boundaries which is why the current dynamic exists. The only issue is how unhealthy the fighting is. Hours on end of venom spitting is dispiriting and up to this point has accomplished nothing beneficial.

 

[coronado71]

That's just it, dude. You don't have to fight per se, but you must be willing to simply, and CALMLY, communicate to her that you don't march to the beat of her drum.

I mean...hey...maybe this works for you. But if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

Change happens when the fear of remaining the same is greater than the fear of change.

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OK Tony Robbins, I hear you. It doesn't work for either of us and either I work at changing it or doom myself to living in it.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Well, she can't be THAT busy if she has hours to "spit venom."

 

[coronado71]

Have you ever put your foot down and just said "hey babe, I don't feel like we are a team here. I almost feel like you're my boss. This isn't what I signed up for when I married you"....then see what she says.

But you have to have some kind of a backbone here.

I've said it at least 4080 times over the last 20 years.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Well, she can't be THAT busy if she has hours to "spit venom."

Eminem spits venom 24/7 and he seems like a nice young person.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

When's the last time you two just took a weekend off, rented a cabin in the woods and just sat on the porch and chilled out and did nothing?

 

[coronado71]

Is her demand unreasonable or just the delivery of it (tone)?

In your background it sounds like she doesn’t think you’re doing a great job of your end on maintaining the household. Is she right, or is she unreasonable?

If she’s right well that’s a simple answer. Do better.

If she’s off base that’s a different problem.

"If she’s right well that’s a simple answer. Do better."
She doesn't feel like I'm doing a great job holding up my end. Yes, she does carry more of the load, however doing better is not such a simple proposition. I'm not always aware of the expectations, sometimes I don't agree with the gravity she places on things and sometimes I simply fall short/forget etc. All have the same result--she explodes.

 

[coronado71]

When's the last time you two just took a weekend off, rented a cabin in the woods and just sat on the porch and chilled out and did nothing?

She can't sit still for that long...

 

[coronado71]

I predict this situation will solve itself in about 3 years, 7 tops

Yikes.

 

[ccpowerslave]

"If she’s right well that’s a simple answer. Do better."
She doesn't feel like I'm doing a great job holding up my end. Yes, she does carry more of the load, however doing better is not such a simple proposition. I'm not always aware of the expectations, sometimes I don't agree with the gravity she places on things and sometimes I simply fall short/forget etc. All have the same result--she explodes.

Hmm, well you know her. So can you think about what would happen when you present your work product to her?

For example, let’s say for whatever reason my wife is too busy to do laundry. She thinks I suck at laundry and hates for me to touch it. However I know why she thinks I do it badly:

Not good enough at separating colors
Use proper detergents depending on load type
Use softener on certain loads
Check pockets for crap first
Fold crisply and put back in exactly the right place

I have failed at all of these at one point. But now if I need to do it because she is busy I do all of those perfect to her standards and a lot of the time she won’t even notice I have done the laundry, or if she does she will see I tried hard to cross off her list.

Does she not provide that level of feedback?

Oh yes, when I think of slacking on folding a shirt, like I know the fold is sub-par I can think of her reaction and I re-fold it. Sometimes it takes me a couple times.

 

[snowbum]

Doesn’t sound like either of you like each other

 

[snowbum]

Doesn’t sound like either of you like each other

 

[Prodigal]

Our marriage has almost always been tenuous.

Ever considered leaving?

 

[farsidejunky]

When was the last time the two of you had sex, or what you would consider a healthy sex life?

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[heartsbeating]

I'm not exactly happy and the joyous times are fleeting. However, I recognize the part my lack of initiative adds to her overfilled plate and how that manifests in terse behavior. I recognize that not completing tasks that she counted on me for and not taking full ownership of aspects of our family life (and thus lightening her load) takes its toll. I recognize it and I'm working to improve it, but that doesn't take the sting out of being talked to like a subordinate. I'm still an adult and would like to have some dignity in my marriage.

Kudos for recognizing this. And for seeking professional help and strategies surrounding your experience of anxiety and depression. There's a certain compassion I feel for her living with a person who is prone to depression. That you recognize some aspects of how your actions impact her and yourself is not to be discounted.

If one source of her frustration is the time you have to go to the gym or sleep and is prioritized over other things that may contribute to the household daily stuff, how about considering whether you are willing to compromise / adjust something there. If I'm reading you correctly, there's instances where she may have perceived you as being unreliable. That impacts trust. To me, that would then equate to trusting that you have one anothers back. We each have our strengths and limitations, however, within your scope of what you can do to demonstrate that you do indeed follow through - reliable - can be trusted - may go a ways for your own confidence as well as hers within the marriage.

At the same time, I agree with others about also calmly and effectively establishing boundaries with how she speaks with you. Many good suggestions on this so far and around not avoiding confrontation. Note, not to be confused with that it needs to be argumentative. Actually kind of the opposite when expressed effectively.

 

[heartsbeating]

You might also ask her what problem she is trying to solve so you can help her.

Yes.

 

[SunCMars]

Shouldn't I be? Does anybody look forward to impending cataclysmic struggle?

Look forward to it, not with glee, rather with flee, in mind.

Are you looking at this primarily from that financial impact it will have on your life?
She makes twice as much as you.

Hmm, as I see it, you will not pay any alimony.

In fact, you will get a liberal, a freeing dose of antimony, Sb, when you divorce.
That should stiffen the lead in your pencil.

Not only will you get out alive in the divorce you will be a good catch for an actually kind, and employed lady.
These ladies do exist, just not at your home.

I see that you are tired and frayed.
Why are you afraid?

Your wife, sounds the bully, do not be her punching bag.
Do the rope-a-dope down the street.
Get yourself free!