[*Deidre*]

I'm certain that she's a bit envious. She's mentioned that she resents that I get home early enough in the afternoons to go to the gym or take a nap before tackling my grade book, but don't often take the initiative to take care of other business. Like remembering to return some paperwork or follow up with the accountant about our taxes etc. I'm sure my not going in to work for two months gets under her skin.

There you go. Envy is a tough thing and she sounds like she masks it by trying to control you. She might have other issues too - you both might together, but I think that’s something she has to work on otherwise she’ll keep searching for something to keep you busy so she feels better.

This is just my opinion, but does your wife respect your profession as a teacher? To me, that is what would bug me, if I were a teacher and my husband expected me to work another job during my summer vacation - unless I wanted to or we desperately needed the money. You getting a job and sticking to a “plan” should be an agreed upon thing and not something you feel obligated to do just to keep your wife happy. Just my thoughts to it.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I'm certain that she's a bit envious. She's mentioned that she resents that I get home early enough in the afternoons to go to the gym or take a nap before tackling my grade book, but don't often take the initiative to take care of other business. Like remembering to return some paperwork or follow up with the accountant about our taxes etc. I'm sure my not going in to work for two months gets under her skin.

Maybe suggest you two sit down once a month and make an eraser board "to do" list and then both agree to knock some of that out. I personally think everyone deserves a summer off after working hard all year, but most jobs just don't allow for that.

Since you get some of that and she doesn't and you're partners, seems to be like you have to split the difference and give her some relief over the summer as well.

 

[farsidejunky]

That would likely trigger Armageddon.

Why are you afraid of Armageddon?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[coronado71]

Just based on what is posted here, it sounds like she felt she had to take charge because she couldn't count on you and she resents that. That is why she says mean, dismissive and counterproductive things like "I should have just done it myself."

I would imagine there is an image of you that you want to see reflected back in her eyes. You want her to see you certain way, as her partner and friend and husband. As her equal. So be that man. Like @ccpowerslave says, BE THAT MAN. Do what needs to be done. Step up, take care of things before she has to point out the things that need to be done. You want authority, take it. As my husband told me when I was being bullied at work, put your **** on the table and take charge (best career advice I have ever gotten, by the way). Proactively become the man you want her to see you as and her behavior will change. "Is this done?" she asks. "Yep," you say on your way to the next thing. No begging for approval, no questions, no opportunity for her to pick apart what you did. You did it, it's done and that is the end of it. (It's key that it really BE the end of it though, you have to actually take care of the things and not just say you did, because she will check and if you don't she won't respect you. But I'm sure you knew that, it probably goes without saying, I just added it in the interest of being thorough.)

Alpha males don't need women to make them "feel" like men. They ARE men. They don't need women to hold themselves back or pretend to be stupid and helpless and unable to deal with life and "I just need a Daddy." Alpha males don't WANT a woman like that, they want a strong, capable adult who isn't following them but is standing shoulder to shoulder with them in life. If you want her to see you as a hero, BE A HERO. I'm guessing it's what she wants anyway, and she will be grateful and relieved when you do it.

From your typing fingers to God's ears! Stepping up and taking care of things has been a challenge for me and I'm constantly working on it (in therapy and intrapersonally). Sometimes I'm clueless to the expectations until after the blowup. e.g. I thought e-mailing a letter to my son's advisor was perfectly fine but she felt that was lazy and half a**ed and was furious that I thought otherwise. Other times I've procrastinated or forgotten etc. I can't control her unexpressed expectations but I can work even harder at staying on top of things.

That said, I still don't know how to respond to the idea that my plans for working over the summer were dismissed and now we need to solidify new plans "straight away." Why the urgency? Why the we? What was wrong with my plans in the first place? Why do I have no autonomy in this situation?

 

[farsidejunky]

I don’t have a problem sharing. I have a problem convincing her the plan is viable, valuable, respectable, reasonable…

You don't have to convince her of anything.

You are enabling this situation.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[farsidejunky]

I mentioned in the original post that I am in therapy and take medication. I’m working diligently and making progress but it’s a process. I don’t think I’m stewing about her and her career I think I’m affronted her demanding tone.

You should be.

What you shouldn't do is cater to it.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[farsidejunky]

I think you may have missed a few things in this thread, or perhaps I haven't communicated clearly enough. When I said I mind my business I meant I don't seek opportunities to butt in or take charge of other people and their affairs (unless it's necessary). I'm not in charge of monkeys that aren't in my circus if you will. So no, I don't avoid communicating with my wife or duck out of any situations. Of course, we are accountable to each other, and absolutely she should know what my summer plans are, which is why I told her. She apparently didn't approve of/appreciate my ideas and responded, "I'd like us to solidify a plan straightaway" which rubbed me. Why do we need to solidify a plan when I just told you what my plan is?

That said, I agree that she is frustrated with me and harbors some resentment about carrying much of the load in family business (bill paying, appointment making, future planning etc.). My behavioral therapist and I are developing strategies to help me take more initiative and complete more tasks. I also understand that she's under a lot of stress at work and at home but it doesn't negate my need to be treated as an equal adult and not a subordinate.

"My plan is solid. What is this 'we' stuff?"

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[ccpowerslave]

That said, I still don't know how to respond to the idea that my plans for working over the summer were dismissed and now we need to solidify new plans "straight away." Why the urgency? Why the we? What was wrong with my plans in the first place? Why do I have no autonomy in this situation?

The scorched earth solution to this:

You know, you’re right. These plans are lacking a bit of detail.

Next Tuesday I was thinking I really need some time for myself so I’m going to go to the gym then go out to a pub with the guys and watch (insert local baseball team) day game. Then I think I’ll come home and (insert one task she likes).

Actually that sounds good I wonder if the Giants have a day game on Friday 🤔

Edit: No! It is a night game on Friday.

 

[TexasMom1216]

That said, I still don't know how to respond to the idea that my plans for working over the summer were dismissed and now we need to solidify new plans "straight away." Why the urgency? Why the we? What was wrong with my plans in the first place? Why do I have no autonomy in this situation?

I am a stranger on the internet only going on what you've typed here. So keep that in mind.

It sounds like your plans for what you're going to do this summer aren't final. If they're not final and there are still outstanding questions, she's saying "we" because that's what we do in business when we're telling someone to do something they need to do and we don't want to sound like we're ordering them around. "We" here sounds to me like it means "you." It makes sense that she would want to know what you're doing, but this urgency you're talking about sounds like bubbling frustration on her part. In short, I think she was being terse with you because she's tired of being in charge of everything all alone and wants you to decide what you're doing and let her know. That particular exchange is a symptom of a larger problem, not a problem in itself. If it comes up again, you have your plans, it's under control and you'll handle it. End of story. If she wants details she can ask for them. If she's demanding and rude, honestly, tell her that. "I'm not your employee, don't talk to me like that."

It's good you're in therapy and actively trying to fix this about yourself. It sounds like you don't like it either. You'll both be happier when you're happier and more confident in yourself.

 

[farsidejunky]

From your typing fingers to God's ears! Stepping up and taking care of things has been a challenge for me and I'm constantly working on it (in therapy and intrapersonally). Sometimes I'm clueless to the expectations until after the blowup. e.g. I thought e-mailing a letter to my son's advisor was perfectly fine but she felt that was lazy and half a**ed and was furious that I thought otherwise. Other times I've procrastinated or forgotten etc. I can't control her unexpressed expectations but I can work even harder at staying on top of things.

That said, I still don't know how to respond to the idea that my plans for working over the summer were dismissed and now we need to solidify new plans "straight away." Why the urgency? Why the we? What was wrong with my plans in the first place? Why do I have no autonomy in this situation?

You are allowing her to tell you what to do AND how to do it.

If she wants to do the latter, your response should be something akin to this:

"If you can't control your urge to tell me how to do something, I will simply assume you know better and allow you to do it."

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I don't really see a scenario where you can "win" this argument by standing up to her. I mean, you've admitted you have not been matching her efforts, so you don't really have a leg to stand on other than you are working on yourself and also that if you have an opportunity to get a bit of rest in the summer due to your choice of a profession, you're entitled to that, but not on her back. She also deserves a break since she's the one who's been taking up the slack, so that's where you should help out some and take some responsibilities off her and not just summer but going forward. If you get too cocky, her attitude might well be that she'd have more leisure time without you. And it wouldn't be wrong.

 

[SunCMars]

That would likely trigger Armageddon.

So what?

Is she worth your silence?

Is she worth her fault, not talking about her salt?

Salt, she is full of; oh, and bile.
Those two mixed give you stones.

Stones that block your happiness.

What are you getting out of this marriage, except, more of this, walking-on-eggshells drama?

My God, man, the woman has you seeing a therapist; yes, all because of her knotted up personality.
She needs to be put in her place, a place, far-and-away from you.

Your children are almost out of the house.
All good.

PLAN YOUR ESCAPE, NOT NEEDING HER PERMISSION.

Our most valuable possession is our body, with it remaining in good health.

She is discounting your health, and disregarding her role as a kindly mate.

She is not your Mother, nor your boss.
With that in mind, fire her, discharge her from her duties.

Freedom can only be had if you seize it.

It is within your reach, plan for it.



King Brian- I am a Crowned Head, and thus, never mired down in drama. I command it away.

 

[Livvie]

She speaks to you terribly.

No man I've ever been with would have stood for even a small fraction of how she speaks to you. Our relationship would have been long over.

Take some of the responses phrases ideas posters have written to heart. You have to start responding differently to her and not tolerating the way she speaks to you, or nothing will change.

Let her rage. Leave when she does it. It's better than taking the beat down she has given you for years. Don't you wonder the kind of damage your soul has sustained from her over the years?

Awful.

 

[Anastasia6]

I predict this situation will solve itself in about 3 years, 7 tops

 

[coronado71]

Shouldn't I be? Does anybody look forward to impending cataclysmic struggle?

 

[ccpowerslave]

Shouldn't I be? Does anybody look forward to impending cataclysmic struggle?

Believe it or not, some people like conflict and fighting at least in limited circumstances like when something important (your sanity) is on the line and it’s worth it.

 

[coronado71]

I am a stranger on the internet only going on what you've typed here. So keep that in mind.

It sounds like your plans for what you're going to do this summer aren't final. If they're not final and there are still outstanding questions, she's saying "we" because that's what we do in business when we're telling someone to do something they need to do and we don't want to sound like we're ordering them around. "We" here sounds to me like it means "you." It makes sense that she would want to know what you're doing, but this urgency you're talking about sounds like bubbling frustration on her part. In short, I think she was being terse with you because she's tired of being in charge of everything all alone and wants you to decide what you're doing and let her know. That particular exchange is a symptom of a larger problem, not a problem in itself. If it comes up again, you have your plans, it's under control and you'll handle it. End of story. If she wants details she can ask for them. If she's demanding and rude, honestly, tell her that. "I'm not your employee, don't talk to me like that."

It's good you're in therapy and actively trying to fix this about yourself. It sounds like you don't like it either. You'll both be happier when you're happier and more confident in yourself.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I think you've got the right bead on things. I've complained about being ordered around and she sometimes attempts to soften her "guidance". I think you're also right about the bubbling frustration and it being symptomatic of a larger issue. It's less about sticking with a summer plan and more about being a bigger contributor and lightening her load in general. Since she feels like she has to do everything and can't count on me for anything she likely has the feeling if I'm not working then I'll be doing even less to support her efforts with more time on my hands. She might be trying to avoid deepening the resentment she already has.

Are you happy with your wife? Does she bring you joy as well as the demands?

I'm not exactly happy and the joyous times are fleeting. However, I recognize the part my lack of initiative adds to her overfilled plate and how that manifests in terse behavior. I recognize that not completing tasks that she counted on me for and not taking full ownership of aspects of our family life (and thus lightening her load) takes its toll. I recognize it and I'm working to improve it, but that doesn't take the sting out of being talked to like a subordinate. I'm still an adult and would like to have some dignity in my marriage.

 

[TexasMom1216]

No one is ever happy being treated as a subordinate. If you don’t change anything, nothing will change.

 

[coronado71]

Believe it or not, some people like conflict and fighting at least in limited circumstances like when something important (your sanity) is on the line and it’s worth it.

I'm aware that some people are drawn to drama/conflict however I'm a pacifist. Our fighting is unhealthy and 90% unproductive. Reason leaves the room within a few exchanges and chaos reigns. I'm left spent and fighting depression. No way I'm seeking that experience on purpose.

 

[coronado71]

Just based on what is posted here, it sounds like she felt she had to take charge because she couldn't count on you and she resents that. That is why she says mean, dismissive and counterproductive things like "I should have just done it myself."

I would imagine there is an image of you that you want to see reflected back in her eyes. You want her to see you certain way, as her partner and friend and husband. As her equal. So be that man. Like @ccpowerslave says, BE THAT MAN. Do what needs to be done. Step up, take care of things before she has to point out the things that need to be done. You want authority, take it. As my husband told me when I was being bullied at work, put your **** on the table and take charge (best career advice I have ever gotten, by the way). Proactively become the man you want her to see you as and her behavior will change. "Is this done?" she asks. "Yep," you say on your way to the next thing. No begging for approval, no questions, no opportunity for her to pick apart what you did. You did it, it's done and that is the end of it. (It's key that it really BE the end of it though, you have to actually take care of the things and not just say you did, because she will check and if you don't she won't respect you. But I'm sure you knew that, it probably goes without saying, I just added it in the interest of being thorough.)

Alpha males don't need women to make them "feel" like men. They ARE men. They don't need women to hold themselves back or pretend to be stupid and helpless and unable to deal with life and "I just need a Daddy." Alpha males don't WANT a woman like that, they want a strong, capable adult who isn't following them but is standing shoulder to shoulder with them in life. If you want her to see you as a hero, BE A HERO. I'm guessing it's what she wants anyway, and she will be grateful and relieved when you do it.

"Just based on what is posted here, it sounds like she felt she had to take charge because she couldn't count on you and she resents that. That is why she says mean, dismissive and counterproductive things like "I should have just done it myself." Facts!