[ccpowerslave]

Maybe you could try this:

“Hey sweet cheeks, the movie is I Know What You Did LAST Summer not THIS Summer. Now why don’t you run along and maybe grab me a cold beer from the fridge. Thanks hon!”

Ok maybe not…

Actually instead of employee her treatment sounds more like a mother nagging a son.

I solved my problem by moving out and largely ignoring her.

So you could also do that.

Another possibility is you go shock and awe. The other way to get rid of someone asking you to do something is to run circles around them and destroy them. So let’s say they want A, B, and C. You do those, but then you also do all the other letters of the alphabet at the same time and ask for feedback on them because now you’re blocked. Bossy nags hate this, especially if you bury them deep because they’re already so busy! This works maybe 99% of the time but it won’t work on the 1% that are truly exceptional. They’ll bury you back but twice as bad. I’m guessing your wife doesn’t fall into the 1%.

 

[ccpowerslave]

I’m not 100% certain I’m following your metaphor. Are you saying I should kill her with accomplishments? Do more than she asks for?

Yes.

Whatever her expectation is for you, do 3x that. Ideally you want to have literally done it 3x and then make her go through it in detail and pick which of the three plans she prefers. If you do this consistently then you’ll improve your skills at these things and she’ll likely also stop asking because she’s not going to want to sort through the output.

When you respond to someone asking you to do something both with the work and then a follow up task for the person asking, it’s extremely annoying for them. It takes a real obnoxious stubborn person to step up to the challenge and un-block that person repeatedly and most will quickly give up their requests.

 

[ccpowerslave]

I mentioned in the original post that I am in therapy and take medication. I’m working diligently and making progress but it’s a process. I don’t think I’m stewing about her and her career I think I’m affronted her demanding tone.

Is her demand unreasonable or just the delivery of it (tone)?

In your background it sounds like she doesn’t think you’re doing a great job of your end on maintaining the household. Is she right, or is she unreasonable?

If she’s right well that’s a simple answer. Do better.

If she’s off base that’s a different problem.

 

[ccpowerslave]

That said, I still don't know how to respond to the idea that my plans for working over the summer were dismissed and now we need to solidify new plans "straight away." Why the urgency? Why the we? What was wrong with my plans in the first place? Why do I have no autonomy in this situation?

The scorched earth solution to this:

You know, you’re right. These plans are lacking a bit of detail.

Next Tuesday I was thinking I really need some time for myself so I’m going to go to the gym then go out to a pub with the guys and watch (insert local baseball team) day game. Then I think I’ll come home and (insert one task she likes).

Actually that sounds good I wonder if the Giants have a day game on Friday 🤔

Edit: No! It is a night game on Friday.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Shouldn't I be? Does anybody look forward to impending cataclysmic struggle?

Believe it or not, some people like conflict and fighting at least in limited circumstances like when something important (your sanity) is on the line and it’s worth it.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Well, she can't be THAT busy if she has hours to "spit venom."

Eminem spits venom 24/7 and he seems like a nice young person.

 

[ccpowerslave]

"If she’s right well that’s a simple answer. Do better."
She doesn't feel like I'm doing a great job holding up my end. Yes, she does carry more of the load, however doing better is not such a simple proposition. I'm not always aware of the expectations, sometimes I don't agree with the gravity she places on things and sometimes I simply fall short/forget etc. All have the same result--she explodes.

Hmm, well you know her. So can you think about what would happen when you present your work product to her?

For example, let’s say for whatever reason my wife is too busy to do laundry. She thinks I suck at laundry and hates for me to touch it. However I know why she thinks I do it badly:

Not good enough at separating colors
Use proper detergents depending on load type
Use softener on certain loads
Check pockets for crap first
Fold crisply and put back in exactly the right place

I have failed at all of these at one point. But now if I need to do it because she is busy I do all of those perfect to her standards and a lot of the time she won’t even notice I have done the laundry, or if she does she will see I tried hard to cross off her list.

Does she not provide that level of feedback?

Oh yes, when I think of slacking on folding a shirt, like I know the fold is sub-par I can think of her reaction and I re-fold it. Sometimes it takes me a couple times.