My husband and I have been married 2 years. We dated 2 years prior to getting married. He's never been the "how was YOUR day?", "what do YOU think of that movie?", "whats going on in YOUR mind?" kind of guy. He assumes if I think it I should just say it without needing to be asked, even tho I ask him about his day, ideas, wants, needs, etc. He never reads my emails, never checks my FB page, it makes me feel unimportant, invisible and well.. pathetic for NEEDING his attention. We've discussed it and he always says he's sorry, he's lazy, he's not being an attentive husband.. ok.. so.. he'll "try" for a couple days then it's back to the same old thing. It also makes me feel like crap that my husband needs to TRY to be interested in me!! I love him, and I know he loves me, but I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't the start of the end. Am I missing something? I realize I have only a few friends, I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, so maybe I'm counting on him too much to show me attention? He doesn't seem to "need" any sort of attention from me. As long as he knows I love him and I'm happy, he really wouldn't be troubled if we rarely saw each other or never spoke and only had sex once every 3 months. I don't know.. I'd appreciate any thoughts from men and women.
Boring housewife??
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Make sure you're correctly identifying what the problem is. The problem is not that he should ask how your day was just to be polite. The real problem is that he doesn't care. If he wanted to know, he would ask. You can't force him to care.
Obvious question: are you being pathetic? Remember: you should never join a club that would want you as a member. Begging for attention gives the impression that your time is so worthless that you need to force it on people. Try doing that "180" thing that everyone keeps talking about. You can still be friendly and ask how his day was, but keep your distance. Don't ask too many follow up questions. Show some interest, but not too much. Find some hobbies and get your own friends. You should not be available 100% of the time.
Suppose you ask how his day was and he says it was "ok"
Good: "no news is good news
" *walk away*Bad: "How was it ok? What did you have for lunch? Are you going to get promoted soon? Today I boy clothes on our daughter because I thought it would be funny then I ...."
That's good. You should see how crazy and needy some husbands are.
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start ignoring him like he dose you. don't be so needy find things you like to do. Say I'm going to do this if he don't want to go go without him. after awhile he will notice
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Shawn - this was good information for me also! Thank you!
Uzername - I feel much the same way about my husband at times. Begging for his attention just irritates him. I've found that being slightly aloof does procure his curiosity - just a bit.
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Uzername - I feel much the same way about my husband at times. Begging for his attention just irritates him. I've found that being slightly aloof does procure his curiosity - just a bit.
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In short: He's a guy. But...he sounds like he needs some assistance in the "how to make your spouse feel loved" area.
You should both read "The Five Love Languages". It's an easy read, not too long, and is like an "ah ha!" moment. You're treating him like you want to be treated and he's treating you like he wants to be treated. Doesn't work. If you both figure out what makes the OTHER person feel loved and valued, then those are the things you do for them.
Saying "the real problem is that he doesn't care. If he wanted to know, he would ask. You can't force him to care." is ridiculous. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He just doesn't know how to show it. Yet.
You should both read "The Five Love Languages". It's an easy read, not too long, and is like an "ah ha!" moment. You're treating him like you want to be treated and he's treating you like he wants to be treated. Doesn't work. If you both figure out what makes the OTHER person feel loved and valued, then those are the things you do for them.
Saying "the real problem is that he doesn't care. If he wanted to know, he would ask. You can't force him to care." is ridiculous. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He just doesn't know how to show it. Yet.
First try asking him how he wants people to show him love. If he knows himself well enough, he might tell you.
Everyone wants something different, so it's hard to put it into a few generic categories. I feel best when someone helps me with stuff I need to do. Any idiot can kiss me and say things, but helping me carry something shows that you really care.
WOW - real, thoughtful responses! awesome.
ShawnD - I hadn't heard of the 180 thing (I'm new here), but it sounds very interesting. Will check that out. I like your aloof response idea..
Chilly - I like that!
Yin - Nice to know I'm not the only one.
BeachGuy - I'll check that book out. my husband won't read it tho.. if it's not sports scores or fantasy sports related he doesn't read. also thanks for the note about not caring. it really does feel like he doesn't care when he doesn't ask about me, but somewhere in my brain i KNOW he does care, he's just speaking a different language. or not speaking. heh.
ShawnD - He is the kind of guy who assumes everyone likes him unless they punch him in the nose. People can be downright rude to him and he just shrugs it off - "oh, he must be having a hard morning..". This is awesome, but i think it also means he thinks everyone else (including me) thinks that way as well.
Thanks all for the excellent thoughts. It seems silly now, even though i know the next time it happens i'll still be bothered! Just something else to keep working on.
ShawnD - I hadn't heard of the 180 thing (I'm new here), but it sounds very interesting. Will check that out. I like your aloof response idea..
Chilly - I like that!
Yin - Nice to know I'm not the only one.
BeachGuy - I'll check that book out. my husband won't read it tho.. if it's not sports scores or fantasy sports related he doesn't read. also thanks for the note about not caring. it really does feel like he doesn't care when he doesn't ask about me, but somewhere in my brain i KNOW he does care, he's just speaking a different language. or not speaking. heh.
ShawnD - He is the kind of guy who assumes everyone likes him unless they punch him in the nose. People can be downright rude to him and he just shrugs it off - "oh, he must be having a hard morning..". This is awesome, but i think it also means he thinks everyone else (including me) thinks that way as well.
Thanks all for the excellent thoughts. It seems silly now, even though i know the next time it happens i'll still be bothered! Just something else to keep working on.
I had a different answer until I got to this sentence. If this is a true reflection of your marriage then he's just not that into you. And he sucks at faking it.
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This is very hard when you are matched with a Male LONER....if you are the time that enjoys closeness & craves a little more time & attention....with a vibrant give & take communication.... which I feel is normal & healthy.
Growing up, my best friends dad's was like this, I rarely heard the man speak. He was terribly unengaging with his wife & family. She had enough other stuff to keep her entertained, like 4 boisterous kids to raise. So I guess she didn't care.
The fact your husband has so little interest in sex (once every 3 months is what you said)....this is surely a red flag. For a healthy red blooded man, this ought to be much much more often! Is he using Porn, masterbating in the shower ?
You are clearly missing out on the emotional , the social , even the physical connection here.
Is he always this much of a Loner.. does he hang out with friends... Relatives? does he show NO INTEREST in anyone, or are you just feeling left out -of his social interests?
Could he be depressed?
This is likely jumping BIG TIME ....so take this with a grain of salt, your husband is surely not this bad.......but there is a personality disorder... though rare...
Growing up, my best friends dad's was like this, I rarely heard the man speak. He was terribly unengaging with his wife & family. She had enough other stuff to keep her entertained, like 4 boisterous kids to raise. So I guess she didn't care.
The fact your husband has so little interest in sex (once every 3 months is what you said)....this is surely a red flag. For a healthy red blooded man, this ought to be much much more often! Is he using Porn, masterbating in the shower ?
You are clearly missing out on the emotional , the social , even the physical connection here.
Is he always this much of a Loner.. does he hang out with friends... Relatives? does he show NO INTEREST in anyone, or are you just feeling left out -of his social interests?
Could he be depressed?
This is likely jumping BIG TIME ....so take this with a grain of salt, your husband is surely not this bad.......but there is a personality disorder... though rare...
Signs & symptoms here: Schizoid personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Hey, taking care of yourself in the shower is not a marriage wrecker, ask any sex therapist! Now if your wife is in the next room in a negligee, that's another thing.
My therapist always talks about building a "base" to have things to talk about. There are lots of other emotional issues aloof here. But consider finding a new hobby together. If he refuses, join his silly fantasy leagues. Try and beat him. You guys will talk each other's ears off.
It might not be that fun for you, but hey I have an engineering type degree and I am trying painting this week, suck it up
ok, i may have been exaggerating a bit. i doubt he'd be ok with no contact (emotional, sexual, any..) for 3 months. but i have to say that he is a sex camel. and by that i mean if we have sex once or twice a month, he's happy with that! i am a bit younger than he is and would like it more often, but that's another story.
so, as much as i love the 'he's just not that into you' saying, it doesn't apply here.
he is a bit of a loner, and it's not just me that he shows little interest in. he lives inside his head a lot.
oh god.. i think I'M schizoid!! = )
and of course he masterbates! don't we all? (i hope so)
so, as much as i love the 'he's just not that into you' saying, it doesn't apply here.
he is a bit of a loner, and it's not just me that he shows little interest in. he lives inside his head a lot.
oh god.. i think I'M schizoid!! = )
and of course he masterbates! don't we all? (i hope so)
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I don't get it , why do you think you are schizoid ? You are joking I presume. You want more of the emotional contact, the conversation, his interest, his attention, nothing schizoid about that !
Me & my husband don't masterbate, we'd rather be together every single time. I suppose we are a little strange, we both find the act hollow and would rather wait for each other.
In the past (however).... we missed each other, while he thought my sex drive was low, I sometimes did in the middle of the night thinking he wouldn't want woke up.... We didn't talk about sex...for many yrs of our marriage. That was a grave blunder on our behalf and it led to hurt for my husband.
I feel if one spouse is more hungry and it may be hurting the marrage, that spouse who is secretly masterbating ought to be "saving it for the one who is feeling deprived & missing that sexual connection.....this seems the most loving thing to do ...if your drives are mismatched. NO not everyone masterbates, if one is really low drive, more common in women, they wouldn't care.
Sounds like you are feeling deprived in this area...why I brought it up. Does he know you want more ? I suppose their are other couples out there who was like me & mine, and didn't talk about sex and how they are missing each other.
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Wow! That sounds a lot like my x-wife and I. All I can say is that what is in the heart isn't always what people see by the actions they want. I was never the "How was your day" What's going on in your mind" husband either, but I didn't need her to ask me that either. I never intentionally withheld anything from her, but I didn't need the emotional stroking, so I didn't often think to give it, but I did love my wife. I never checked my wife's e-mails or acted jelous because I trusted her and I was an adult and not in kindergarten(I don't mean that as a slur to you, I'm just trying to describe me).
I didn't have to "try" to be interested in my wife, but I had to "try" to express it like she wanted. Knowing my wife loved me was all i needed too. The only difference is that I did enjoy frequent sex, but she didn't. Even though i wasn't the "How was your day" husband, I did often tell her how beautiful she was and tried to make every inch of her feel desired.
My x didn't have friends or anything else going on either. Not that she was unlikeable, but she just worked and came home. I wonder if she had had other friends to do stuff with, maybe she wouldn't have looked to me for all her emotional needs.
I may not have solved anything for you, but It seems my x felt a lot like you, but that didn't mean i didn't love her deeply, I was just wired differently and didn't express it like she needed.
I think I am kind of like your H. I think it's a personality trait, notice I didn't say flaw. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all his heart, or that he doesn't care. Maybe his bonding just isn't thru talk. Which of course leads to communication issues.
I've learned... how to communicate better, how to be more open, how to share more and how to inquire more about others. My new H taught me this... now, boy we are talkers! I'm not so good with it at school/work. But I'm aware of it and work on it. I ask people how they are... but I'm really hoping they won't give any details. I smile and say hello, and hope that doesn't turn into some long conversation. I am not this way with close friends and family...we have a great time yapping and laughing. Aquaintances, well I could take it or leave it.
Not sure if that helped.... I guess it shows that people can learn to "interact" better. Maybe just talk about your day whether he asks or not... some people don't think to ask, but they don't mind listening.
I'm the middle child of 12, not being heard, and not inquiring was a good skill at the time.... so I don't think it's YOU, I think it's maybe that is how he communicates, just not the same as you would.
I've learned... how to communicate better, how to be more open, how to share more and how to inquire more about others. My new H taught me this... now, boy we are talkers! I'm not so good with it at school/work. But I'm aware of it and work on it. I ask people how they are... but I'm really hoping they won't give any details. I smile and say hello, and hope that doesn't turn into some long conversation. I am not this way with close friends and family...we have a great time yapping and laughing. Aquaintances, well I could take it or leave it.
Not sure if that helped.... I guess it shows that people can learn to "interact" better. Maybe just talk about your day whether he asks or not... some people don't think to ask, but they don't mind listening.
I'm the middle child of 12, not being heard, and not inquiring was a good skill at the time.... so I don't think it's YOU, I think it's maybe that is how he communicates, just not the same as you would.
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His misidentified his problem. It's not that he's lazy. It's that he's indifferent. He apparently believes folks get married and then never have to work on their relationship again. We are ALWAYS working on our marriage. We are working to improve it or we're working to destroy it. Your husband is into sports. He might "get" this analogy: If a player wants to win the Superbowl, the player will act like it. He will show up to every practice. He will study the playbook daily. He will eat right and exercise. His focus will be on winning every day. His teammates want to go to the Superbowl and they expect 110% from him. Coasting is unacceptable and will only end in failure. Marriage is way more important than a game but your teammate doesn't act like he wants the team to win.
Yes you just contradicted yourself.
So why did your loner get married then? Sounds like he and his head are quite happy without you.
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I can relate!
SA - I appreciate where you're coming from, but it's just not for me.
southbound - you are pretty much describing it to a T. putting on my checklist: get myself a life. need friends. need something. need to not rely on H for all 'emotional stroking' (nice phrase by the way)
SunnyT - all good points
UnB - good analogy. i'll see if that gets through to him.
southbound - you are pretty much describing it to a T. putting on my checklist: get myself a life. need friends. need something. need to not rely on H for all 'emotional stroking' (nice phrase by the way)
SunnyT - all good points
UnB - good analogy. i'll see if that gets through to him.
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