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To me, that is the very worst of the worst.

Imagine... all those years of pretending like nothing ever happened. Being trsuted, loved and respected as a chaste and virtuous person in a crappy world. All the while behind one's smiles lies the heart of a deceitful betrayer. Accepting all that love, all that trust, all that faith. Taking their arm when their SO is telling people how you would never betray.... And just this wicked little grin on their face...
Wicked little grin? Or a sad, pensive expression?
 

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Discussion Starter #22
Wicked little grin? Or a sad, pensive expression?
Just an opinion, but 90% wicked little grin. My ex and I a short conversation about a couple years ago and while she now regrets it she did state it was so ecxiting being the aldultress that she felt like she wss high on drugs. She calls it a true rush.
 

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of course this stuff goes on. I'lll take it a step further.

I bet there are also many affairs that happen and the BS knows about it or suspects but cant prove it.

I have a buddy who is "fairly certain" his W had an affair. but he doesnt have hard proof. in talking with him about it, all the classic red flags are there. but she has been fairly smart, uses covert forms of communication and work related devices he has no access to, and she has covered her tracks better than most.
I am in this situation. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence of at least one affair, but she insists there has never been any form of infidelity. There is no resolution possible unless she either spontaneously confesses or some incontrovertible evidence comes to light.

If there was no affair, there is never any resolution. One cannot prove they didn't have an affair.

The first really bad feeling I had was back in the mid 90's in a discussion of the Clinton's direct lie about Lewinski. My wife said in exasperation "It was ONLY sex, and EVERYONE lies about sex!".

The common position of therapists is to never voluntarily divulge a past affair. Gabriel makes a case for that theory. Where this all fails is when the BS has suspicions but no proof. The marriage is badly damaged by the affair even though the WS denies it.
 

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I am in this situation. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence of at least one affair, but she insists there has never been any form of infidelity. There is no resolution possible unless she either spontaneously confesses or some incontrovertible evidence comes to light.
Yeah, I know what you mean. You are forced to accept the final version of the truth they give you.
Just an opinion, but 90% wicked little grin. My ex and I a short conversation about a couple years ago and while she now regrets it she did state it was so ecxiting being the aldultress that she felt like she wss high on drugs. She calls it a true rush.
I'm sure it does feel exciting.

One of the problems I have is... if they can fall for another person once... what if they crave that high again? Marriage is a long and winding contract, and when things get difficult, there will likely be a guy there waiting to scoop her up. Working on the marriage is hard, but falling in "love" with someone new is easy and so much more exciting.

Plus deceiving someone close to you is often easier than deceiving a stranger, and after cheating once, they have practice. Once trust is given and intimate knowledge is obtained, one could be like a burglar invited into a bank vault. I feel like I could have gotten away with so much over the years, but that's not the type of person I am. I stopped things in their tracks, and if I had gone forward with anything, I would have felt terrible. And I would have to tell her.

It takes a special kind of person to betray someone they love, get some cheap thrills, keep secrets, and lie to their partner... for the partner's "own good." It sounds selfish because it is. I can think of a few scenarios, mainly involving kids and an otherwise happy marriage, where okay... if you're not going to tell your spouse, then never do it again and do your part to keep the marriage healthy. Otherwise... selfish.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
Yeah, I know what you mean. You are forced to accept the final version of the truth they give you.I'm sure it does feel exciting.

One of the problems I have is... if they can fall for another person once... what if they crave that high again? Marriage is a long and winding contract, and when things get difficult, there will likely be a guy there waiting to scoop her up. Working on the marriage is hard, but falling in "love" with someone new is easy and so much more exciting.

Plus deceiving someone close to you is often easier than deceiving a stranger, and after cheating once, they have practice. Once trust is given and intimate knowledge is obtained, one could be like a burglar invited into a bank vault. I feel like I could have gotten away with so much over the years, but that's not the type of person I am. I stopped things in their tracks, and if I had gone forward with anything, I would have felt terrible. And I would have to tell her.

It takes a special kind of person to betray someone they love, get some cheap thrills, keep secrets, and lie to their partner... for the partner's "own good." It sounds selfish because it is. I can think of a few scenarios, mainly involving kids and an otherwise happy marriage, where okay... if you're not going to tell your spouse, then never do it again and do your part to keep the marriage healthy. Otherwise... selfish.
This is why studies show that betraying is an addictive trait. Or can be.
 

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I am in this situation. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence of at least one affair, but she insists there has never been any form of infidelity. There is no resolution possible unless she either spontaneously confesses or some incontrovertible evidence comes to light.

If there was no affair, there is never any resolution. One cannot prove they didn't have an affair.

The first really bad feeling I had was back in the mid 90's in a discussion of the Clinton's direct lie about Lewinski. My wife said in exasperation "It was ONLY sex, and EVERYONE lies about sex!".

The common position of therapists is to never voluntarily divulge a past affair. Gabriel makes a case for that theory. Where this all fails is when the BS has suspicions but no proof. The marriage is badly damaged by the affair even though the WS denies it.
Another wrinkle to the argument worth exploring. I think in the case where your spouse suspects or asks if you had an affair, and you did have that dumb, regretful ONS, then all bets are off. In that case, I think you should absolutely confess because the spouse is clearly affected already. It's already there.

My argument is meant to apply when the person is completely none the wiser.
 

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Dday if my husbands affair was less than 3 months ago. He does admit that he never planned to tell me. Figured it would fizzle and "go away". I caught it so that plan didnt work. I'd rather know than not.
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Dday if my husbands affair was less than 3 months ago. He does admit that he never planned to tell me. Figured it would fizzle and "go away". I caught it so that plan didnt work. I'd rather know than not.
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Me too.
 

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Re: Re: Bored At Work With A Thought...

Most affairs are never revealed. Stats are - of course - difficult to get accurately, but from what I have seen in a couple of reports, over 80% of men's affairs are not discovered, and over 90% of women's affairs are not.

Here's one supporting link:
Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Mail Online
.........and of the 20% and 10% of the affairs that do actually come to the surface ......I believe that only 30% of the real truth is ever brought to light. It all sucks ......regardless of how you twist the numbers.
 

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.........and of the 20% and 10% of the affairs that do actually come to the surface ......I believe that only 30% of the real truth is ever brought to light. It all sucks ......regardless of how you twist the numbers.
Hearing stats like that makes me wonder why even bother.
 

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Re: Re: Bored At Work With A Thought...

Hearing stats like that makes me wonder why even bother.
.....ditto. I have become numb to so much of what my wife says or does .... all these years after she cheated. Being on the short end of infidelity, is the most absolute method of having any kind of motivation drained from your life's daily activities.
 
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