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I am not a mental health person. Just a husband about to embark on a divorce from my wife of 6 years who refuses to work despite being a healthy educated woman with a Bachelor's in Nursing, is controlling, can't have a meaningful conversation with her about any sensitive issues, and has now, as of last week, taken all our joint monies and put them into an account that only she controls. We do not have kids.

In my attempt to try to understand what's going on I googled, "sense of entitlement". It turned out that she had alot of the signs of "borderline personality disorder".

According to the National Institute of Health these are some of the symptoms:

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close.

Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face5 and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

My wife has shown signs of these symptoms consistently. She refuses to go to counseling with me for our marriage so I went alone. Unfortunately for me, the counselor has told me that people with BPD rarely get better on their own and they need intensive counseling. She has told me that in many divorces, BPD is a factor with one of the persons. I am very sad, because I love my wife. I wish I could help her, but after 6 years of a crazy roller coaster ride I have to leave or risk paying her long term alimony according to my lawyer. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face becuase my lawyer is waiting for my call today to file the divorce papers with the court. :confused:

I am writing this to alert anyone that may be suffering from this type of marriage that this may be the reason. Knowing the reason may not help the problem, but at least you have a reason for whatever it is worth.
 

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Additional research. I am very depressed, because the article below defines my wife to a T

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist
January 21, 2009 shrink4men Leave a comment Go to comments
i 135 Votes


My girlfriend / wife doesn’t have a personality disorder. She’s just emotional. Maybe, maybe not. Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as mainstream in public awareness as other psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s a very real problem that affects many individuals and the people who are in ongoing relationships with them or trying to end relationships with them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.


When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.
 

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As a BPD'er myself, I can tell you the odds of your wife ever even realizing she has a problem is slim. I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry of the pain you are in. Take care.
Same here. I put my husband through hell so I know how you must feel and I'm sorry. Most BPD's think the problem is with everyone else not them. Odds aren't in your favor unfortunately.
 

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I don't know that I would have made it this far in life had I NOT thought that way. I truly thought I was "normal".
LOL so did I. What a joke. I was so effed up and I didn't have a clue.

BTW I'm sooooooo excited. I just ended therapy!!!! YAY! It took almost 4 years of intense IC but I consider myself CURED now. Yep last Tuesday I realized I had nothing left to talk about and so I just ended it. My therapist agreed and sent me on my way to enjoy my life.

No more meds, no more depression, no more anxiety, no anger, no fear of abandonment, no separation anxiety, no need to control, nothing...it's all just gone. I'm happy, secure, self confident, assertive and it feels great!!

Okay I'll clarify it's not 100% gone but it's very well managed by me.
 

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I survived trying to "fix" my BPD niece-in-law....damn near killed me AND my 18 year relationship....done trying to fix..will NEVER do that again...and now I know TOO MUCH about BPD. I'm sure Uptown will visit...as he has lived much more HELL that I could even imagine to live with....sorry you are here...call that lawyer and save yourself...those that HAVE recovered are RARE GEMS... :)
 

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what Pidge said is 100% true.I think that's why it's so easy for people to get caught up in trying to "fix" a bpd'er.You can't help someone who doesn't think there's anything wrong with them...they're going down and they WILL take you with them unless they somehow manage to get to the point of self awareness.

Good luck.
 

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Thanks it was so weird to walk out without another appointment card. LOL I feel like I just graduated college or something. What a freakin lot of work but I did it. Never thought I'd see this day. Seriously.
You give me something to look forward to then;) I think you should have a party for yourself! It is something worth celebrating.

:smthumbup:
 

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You give me something to look forward to then;) I think you should have a party for yourself! It is something worth celebrating.

:smthumbup:
I'm kinda celebrating right now just sharing this here. I've got a big goofy grin on my face reading the responses. Feels surreal to not have any problems to fix. Whatever will I do with my time? LOL
 

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I'm grinning rather large myself right now!


shhh...i got misty eyed bc I KNOW how hard you had to work to leave that office without the need for another session.

this is a fabulous happy day to say the least!
 

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Does anyone know much about the supposed "Silent BPD"?? Some of these are just so much like my husband... But he lacks the emotional outbursts...

I have to admit, it would seem like a few years ago I was probably BPD... I still have a hard time distinguishing it from PTSD symptoms, though.

Thanks for sharing this information, EnoughAtHome. The information here has been very eye-opening. I am sorry that you are suffering... I wish I could say something less generic to comfort you... :/
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Does anyone know much about the supposed "Silent BPD"?? Some of these are just so much like my husband... But he lacks the emotional outbursts...

I have to admit, it would seem like a few years ago I was probably BPD... I still have a hard time distinguishing it from PTSD symptoms, though.

Thanks for sharing this information, EnoughAtHome. The information here has been very eye-opening. I am sorry that you are suffering... I wish I could say something less generic to comfort you... :/
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A person doesn't have to exhibit all BPD traits to be BPD. I think it only has to be like 5 out of 9 at a consistent/strong level. I have no fear of abandonment and I do not lack empathy but, I am still a BPD'er.
 

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I'm grinning rather large myself right now!


shhh...i got misty eyed bc I KNOW how hard you had to work to leave that office without the need for another session.

this is a fabulous happy day to say the least!
Want to know what was weird? I barely cried in therapy. All those years and I'd shed a few tears but that was it. But the last 4-5 sessions I was SOBBING. It felt like the last bit of pain had surfaced and I was free.

I've cried more in the past 4 weeks that I have in my entire life. I cried almost every day but then it was just over. I still cry occasionally as more pain comes up but I don't need therapy for that. I have a quiet place set up in my house away from kids. When the emotions come up and I'm able to let them go freely. I was never able to do that before.

I feel whole being able to feel all my feelings even the bad ones. And when I'm done crying I feel light, airy, happy and free.
 

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