Thank you in advance for reading my post. My hope is to get some practical suggestions.
Been married for twenty one years, four kids with two teens still at home. While wife has always been on the touchy side, about six years ago things began to change radically. I am convinced she is cluster B, probably BPD. First, she lost interest in sex. When this happened I tried to talk to her about it calmly, rationally. She always got defensive and went on the attack. She became increasingly cruel and belittling in her verbal attacks against me, and more and more distant. She complained about how little money we have even though I was working three jobs, that I was never around to help her with the housework, that I never really loved her, that marrying me was a mistake, ad nauseum. She blamed me for everything.
She then decided to quit being a full time homemaker and go back to work and go back to school. I initially went along with this. She agreed to pay her fair share of the bills now that she was bringing in a paycheck, then later stopped paying them without telling me. When I confronted her with late notices from utilities, she flew into a rage saying how unfair it was that she should have to pay anything, that I owed her for ten or more years of "free child care". So I had to pay the utilities. She embarked on a number of expensive hobbies, only to discard them or hand the maintanience of them over to the kids, after a few months. She completed 90% of a degree, then dropped out of a critical course that was too hard, blamed the professor for personally attacking her and now has no interest in this area. As a homemaker she had no debt. Now after several years as a wage earner not having to pay any utilities, rent, or car payment, she is 20k in debt. Her mother, who lives in the next state, whom she once described as cold and abusive and she barely talked to for years after relaying horror stories to me about how bad her chilldhood was, now they are best buds and I am the supreme ogre.
As this was happening, I decided to clean up my act. I hit the gym and took the kids with me. Lost a lot of weight, ran in a half-marathon, upgraded my wardrobe, re connected with old friends. I re committed to my career, got a better job with a very nice promotion and salary increase. I became more active at the men's group at church.
She still goes to church once in a while but dropped out of the women's bible study a few years ago. I am pretty sure she complained about me to them, and their response was less than fully sympathetic, and one of them even mildly chastised her, so she discarded them. She has since started talking in slogans like "toxic masculinity" etc. She has gained so much weight she is now morbidly obese and has many health issues, is on lots of meds for this and that. She suffers from migraines, high blood pressure, dizziness, panic attacks, insomnia, rage episodes, back spasms, etc. She has at various times accused me (with no evidence) of plotting to have her killed, stealing cash from her dresser,stealing her mail, cheating on her (with who??). One several occassions she became physical, slapping or punching me. No one outside the family knows any of this craziness, because she is mostly peaches and cream to everyone else. Some days, it takes all my willpower to not tell her to go f*** herself. its like the woman I married is gone and was replaced by someone else. When I look into her eyes, what I see looking back is frightening.
Talking to her is now virtually impossible. Even conversations I try to have about the safety and welfare of the kids, she goes on the attack about things that supposedely happened five, ten, fifteen years ago. (This is another behavior. NOTHING is ever resolved with her. Even when we had discussions, things always circled back to ancient gripes). Now I avoid getting drawn into any drama, to minimize exposure to the kids and also avoid a scene that could quickly spin out of control.
The Children: I feel it is wrong to file for divorce and leave, because I think one or all of the kids would become the new target, especially as they become teens and start finding their own young adult voices. If I leave, my ability to interpose between her and the kids will be gone. She has threatened divorce often, but has never followed through. I think she is trying to goad me into doing it so she can be seen as the eternal victim, or maybe even goad me into doing something stupid so she can call the police. If I stay I can still influence events. And once divorced, who knows what kind of man she will take up with??
1) What strategies should I use to inject peace and mental health into the family to counteract her toxicity?
2) At what point should I talk frankly to my teen kids about what is going on? Of course they know what is going on, but not all of it and not the whys. What should I tell them? I have a teen son and teen daughter still at home.
3) Any other helpful hints would be appreciated.
Been married for twenty one years, four kids with two teens still at home. While wife has always been on the touchy side, about six years ago things began to change radically. I am convinced she is cluster B, probably BPD. First, she lost interest in sex. When this happened I tried to talk to her about it calmly, rationally. She always got defensive and went on the attack. She became increasingly cruel and belittling in her verbal attacks against me, and more and more distant. She complained about how little money we have even though I was working three jobs, that I was never around to help her with the housework, that I never really loved her, that marrying me was a mistake, ad nauseum. She blamed me for everything.
She then decided to quit being a full time homemaker and go back to work and go back to school. I initially went along with this. She agreed to pay her fair share of the bills now that she was bringing in a paycheck, then later stopped paying them without telling me. When I confronted her with late notices from utilities, she flew into a rage saying how unfair it was that she should have to pay anything, that I owed her for ten or more years of "free child care". So I had to pay the utilities. She embarked on a number of expensive hobbies, only to discard them or hand the maintanience of them over to the kids, after a few months. She completed 90% of a degree, then dropped out of a critical course that was too hard, blamed the professor for personally attacking her and now has no interest in this area. As a homemaker she had no debt. Now after several years as a wage earner not having to pay any utilities, rent, or car payment, she is 20k in debt. Her mother, who lives in the next state, whom she once described as cold and abusive and she barely talked to for years after relaying horror stories to me about how bad her chilldhood was, now they are best buds and I am the supreme ogre.
As this was happening, I decided to clean up my act. I hit the gym and took the kids with me. Lost a lot of weight, ran in a half-marathon, upgraded my wardrobe, re connected with old friends. I re committed to my career, got a better job with a very nice promotion and salary increase. I became more active at the men's group at church.
She still goes to church once in a while but dropped out of the women's bible study a few years ago. I am pretty sure she complained about me to them, and their response was less than fully sympathetic, and one of them even mildly chastised her, so she discarded them. She has since started talking in slogans like "toxic masculinity" etc. She has gained so much weight she is now morbidly obese and has many health issues, is on lots of meds for this and that. She suffers from migraines, high blood pressure, dizziness, panic attacks, insomnia, rage episodes, back spasms, etc. She has at various times accused me (with no evidence) of plotting to have her killed, stealing cash from her dresser,stealing her mail, cheating on her (with who??). One several occassions she became physical, slapping or punching me. No one outside the family knows any of this craziness, because she is mostly peaches and cream to everyone else. Some days, it takes all my willpower to not tell her to go f*** herself. its like the woman I married is gone and was replaced by someone else. When I look into her eyes, what I see looking back is frightening.
Talking to her is now virtually impossible. Even conversations I try to have about the safety and welfare of the kids, she goes on the attack about things that supposedely happened five, ten, fifteen years ago. (This is another behavior. NOTHING is ever resolved with her. Even when we had discussions, things always circled back to ancient gripes). Now I avoid getting drawn into any drama, to minimize exposure to the kids and also avoid a scene that could quickly spin out of control.
The Children: I feel it is wrong to file for divorce and leave, because I think one or all of the kids would become the new target, especially as they become teens and start finding their own young adult voices. If I leave, my ability to interpose between her and the kids will be gone. She has threatened divorce often, but has never followed through. I think she is trying to goad me into doing it so she can be seen as the eternal victim, or maybe even goad me into doing something stupid so she can call the police. If I stay I can still influence events. And once divorced, who knows what kind of man she will take up with??
1) What strategies should I use to inject peace and mental health into the family to counteract her toxicity?
2) At what point should I talk frankly to my teen kids about what is going on? Of course they know what is going on, but not all of it and not the whys. What should I tell them? I have a teen son and teen daughter still at home.
3) Any other helpful hints would be appreciated.