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Discussion Starter #21
Let me give you an analogy. Imagine someone gave you a bunch of hugs and kisses, then steps back, slaps you in the face hard enough to knock your teeth loose, then comes right back in for some hugs and then wonders why you don't want any. It is a sadistic pattern. She could ruin a fun evening in a blink.....
I totally get what your saying, I also want to say it's not just me sometimes it will be him that starts something..it's just I cant leave it alone no matter who starts it..that's my issue not his.
 

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Thank you, I'm going to work on myself., I'm very disgusted with myself that I made it to the point that night that he had to leave and feel horrible about it. We've probably been in 5 fights like this in the past 15 years we've been together but this was the 1st for him to leave. The 1st time you left, were you done in your head? What made you stay for as long as you did?
After the first time? No, I think it was cumulative BUT he has probably wanted to leave many times before. I suspect he tries to avoid certain things or you in general when you drink. For me, it got to a point that when drinking was going to be involved, I got very anxious because I was just waiting for the bomb (her) to go off about something. And if I brought it up later, she would EXPLODE because it was my fault!

Every one else around us knew that I drank too, but I don't have that "psycho gear" when drinking. I just have fun.
 

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Have you guys been in a bad argument where you thought he was done? It really hurt that he left and didn't come home that night, I can't stop thinking he's really done with me since he's never left...but he says he's not. I know I need to not say anything or if says anything to me just don't say anything back to cause a fight. Thanks for taking the time to read this. It's nice to be able to talk to all of you on here, I really don't have anyone to talk to, so this is nice, thanks.
We actually just had a really bad argument a couple of days ago, and we're still not talking lol. But no, not to the point that he's left the house. Maybe your husband just needed to clear his head. What else has your husband said about it? Also, I may not ply him with questions about it just yet, maybe like 1 question about why he chose to leave, so you can prevent that trigger next time?
 

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Drinking can complicate things. Don’t.

It doesn’t matter if it’s once a week or once a month or once in blue moon. Just don’t.
 

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Discussion Starter #26
After the first time? No, I think it was cumulative BUT he has probably wanted to leave many times before. I suspect he tries to avoid certain things or you in general when you drink. For me, it got to a point that when drinking was going to be involved, I got very anxious because I was just waiting for the bomb (her) to go off about something. And if I brought it up later, she would EXPLODE because it was my fault!

Every one else around us knew that I drank too, but I don't have that "psycho gear" when drinking. I just have fun.
for the most part we have a good time drinking, it's just sometimes something he will say or I will say that just gets blown out of portion. He's the one that says lets have a drink... I really do love him for example this fight was over something so stupid... after drinking we were going to bed and he asked if I could turn the tv off so he could sleep and I did and then he started messing on his phone and I said i thought you wanted to go to bed (hence turning the tv off) and then he got pissed told me to shut up and then I of course have to go on and on why do you have to say that to me...and it blew up from there. I know that is so stupid for us to get into about that but that's what happened.
 

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Just apologize again, then take a year or so off from drinking. Make that choice for you. He's responsible for his own choices.

Or cut back, find a balance. You can do it.

You both can get through this.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #28
We actually just had a really bad argument a couple of days ago, and we're still not talking lol. But no, not to the point that he's left the house. Maybe your husband just needed to clear his head. What else has your husband said about it? Also, I may not ply him with questions about it just yet, maybe like 1 question about why he chose to leave, so you can prevent that trigger next time?
How long does it normally take you guys to be back to normal after an argument? He has just said that he needed to leave the situation because I can't leave him alone. I will follow him around and tell him " I'm sorry and lets not fight." He will just say leave me alone and I just want it to be okay... I will even say I'm sorry when it's not me that started it, even if he started it, I will say sorry and want it better right away. I know that's a problem I have.
 

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Discussion Starter #29
Just apologize again, then take a year or so off from drinking. Make that choice for you. He's responsible for his own choices.

Or cut back, find a balance. You can do it.

You both can get through this.

Good luck!
Thanks Ragnar. I plan on stopping the drinking. I always say I'm sorry when this happens and that i won't happen again to him, but I never actually stopped drinking and him leaving really made me think, so I will do something about it. I just don't want it to be too late for us for the fact that he left and probably liked being by himself
 

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How long does it normally take you guys to be back to normal after an argument? He has just said that he needed to leave the situation because I can't leave him alone. I will follow him around and tell him " I'm sorry and lets not fight." He will just say leave me alone and I just want it to be okay... I will even say I'm sorry when it's not me that started it, even if he started it, I will say sorry and want it better right away. I know that's a problem I have.
I know @bobsmith brought up the idea of codependence earlier in this thread. @kristine.kris have you ever seen a therapist for yourself? The fact that you're apologizing for things when you're not even in the wrong tells me that you're people pleasing and caretaking even when it's not your responsibility.
 

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for the most part we have a good time drinking, it's just sometimes something he will say or I will say that just gets blown out of portion. He's the one that says lets have a drink... I really do love him for example this fight was over something so stupid... after drinking we were going to bed and he asked if I could turn the tv off so he could sleep and I did and then he started messing on his phone and I said i thought you wanted to go to bed (hence turning the tv off) and then he got pissed told me to shut up and then I of course have to go on and on why do you have to say that to me...and it blew up from there. I know that is so stupid for us to get into about that but that's what happened.
TO be honest, as much as I hated the behaviors of my ex, I not once EVER told her to shut up or something similar. Further, it really sounds like there is more here that just the drinking IMO. It really does sound like the phone is an issue and at least in that instance, you may have been justified unless he was just setting an alarm, etc.

I suspect the alcohol is just opening the door to the resentments. There is more going on.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
I know @bobsmith brought up the idea of codependence earlier in this thread. @kristine.kris have you ever seen a therapist for yourself? The fact that you're apologizing for things when you're not even in the wrong tells me that you're people pleasing and caretaking even when it's not your responsibility.
I've thought about that, I really don't have anyone to talk to about myself. I do find it helpful to hear from you guys. I know I shouldn't apologize when I'm not in the wrong, but I do. I was reading those traits of codependency that he brought up and do agree some of those match me. I just need to work on myself and not put my marriage in jeopardy from here on out, because this is the man that I want to grow old with.
 

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Discussion Starter #35
TO be honest, as much as I hated the behaviors of my ex, I not once EVER told her to shut up or something similar. Further, it really sounds like there is more here that just the drinking IMO. It really does sound like the phone is an issue and at least in that instance, you may have been justified unless he was just setting an alarm, etc.

I suspect the alcohol is just opening the door to the resentments. There is more going on.
There was stuff in the past before we got married with him talking to other woman behind my back, but I worked hard and got over all that before we got married. He said that he wouldn't have gotten married if was going to be unfaithful and I believe him. I guess that's why the comment about being on the phone was blown out of portion. Geez...you really don't like your ex and never told her to shut up...makes me think...cause I truly love him and want to grow old with him/
 

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There was stuff in the past before we got married with him talking to other woman behind my back, but I worked hard and got over all that before we got married. He said that he wouldn't have gotten married if was going to be unfaithful and I believe him. I guess that's why the comment about being on the phone was blown out of portion. Geez...you really don't like your ex and never told her to shut up...makes me think...cause I truly love him and want to grow old with him/
LOL, that is SO funny because the phone issue was an EXACT issue my ex had. Anytime that text thingy went off, she wanted to know who it was more than me. I ignore my phone if I am busy or with someone. She even stole my phone and went through it! to bring co-dependence down to a sentence, it is reliance on someone else for happiness and feeling "whole". It was a perfect storm because I went from someone that was as open as a brick wall, to someone that practically wanted hold my hand while taking a shi*......

For all I know, there is 15yrs of this behavior and he is fed up with it. Or.....he could just be a prick.... I realize people here consider me an azzhole because I am on total lockdown, but I can still see just fine, and I am quite direct anymore.
I think co-dependence can feel great in the beginning because the other party is receiving all this attention. It gets old fast and the realization that it is abnormal starts to sink in.

Let me ask you:
Do you request/desire rather consistent check-ins via text/phone when he is gone?
Do you want to know what he is up all the time?
Do you ask how he is feeling all the time?
When he is doing something around the house, do you need to be by him all the time?
If he is in the bathroom for longer than 5min, do you knock to see if he is ok?
 

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Discussion Starter #37
There was stuff in the past before we got married with him talking to other woman behind my back, but I worked hard and got over all that before we got married. He said that he wouldn't have gotten married if was going to be unfaithful and I believe him. I guess that's why the comment about being on the phone was blown out of portion. Geez...you really don't like your ex and never told her to shut up...makes me think...cause I truly love him and want to grow old with him/
LOL, that is SO funny because the phone issue was an EXACT issue my ex had. Anytime that text thingy went off, she wanted to know who it was more than me. I ignore my phone if I am busy or with someone. She even stole my phone and went through it! to bring co-dependence down to a sentence, it is reliance on someone else for happiness and feeling "whole". It was a perfect storm because I went from someone that was as open as a brick wall, to someone that practically wanted hold my hand while taking a shi*......

For all I know, there is 15yrs of this behavior and he is fed up with it. Or.....he could just be a prick.... I realize people here consider me an azzhole because I am on total lockdown, but I can still see just fine, and I am quite direct anymore.
I think co-dependence can feel great in the beginning because the other party is receiving all this attention. It gets old fast and the realization that it is abnormal starts to sink in.

Let me ask you:
Do you request/desire rather consistent check-ins via text/phone when he is gone?
Do you want to know what he is up all the time?
Do you ask how he is feeling all the time?
When he is doing something around the house, do you need to be by him all the time?
If he is in the bathroom for longer than 5min, do you knock to see if he is ok?
I don't check his phone at all, his phone is his...I don't want to be that person....I don't even ask to use his phone. I only call/text him maybe twice a week if even that to ask how his day is going. Or if something happens during my work day that I want to tell him then I'll call him. But I never call looking for him or asking him where he's at or what he's doing. When we are at home he does his thing like the yard work and I do my thing like binge a tv show lol...or sometimes help pick weeds ;) I love reading your words!
 

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I don't check his phone at all, his phone is his...I don't want to be that person....I don't even ask to use his phone. I only call/text him maybe twice a week if even that to ask how his day is going. Or if something happens during my work day that I want to tell him then I'll call him. But I never call looking for him or asking him where he's at or what he's doing. When we are at home he does his thing like the yard work and I do my thing like binge a tv show lol...or sometimes help pick weeds ;) I love reading your words!
Well, at least you have a peek into what I dealt with. It allows me to sniff out co-dependence like a dog on a Tbone. I am not 100% convinced the hubby doesn't have some issues but we only have your side of this! This is usually where people will recommend a 'therapist' as it is the most prescribed 'treatment' for everything these days.

I think you will probably need to at least have a long sober talk and throw ALL your shi7 on the floor. It will do nothing if you don't want to work to fix them, and habits don't break easy!

I will say, I could give you cringe worthy story after story, but I kept going back for more because I loved her and I am not a quitter. However, I figured out that you cannot change a person that is convinced there is nothing wrong. He probably is on the fence right now, which should make it obvious that something has to change.

I got tired of being chased! I literally told her "you have me roped, you don't need to keep trying to rope me". Maybe let him do some chasing!
 

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Discussion Starter #39
Well, at least you have a peek into what I dealt with. It allows me to sniff out co-dependence like a dog on a Tbone. I am not 100% convinced the hubby doesn't have some issues but we only have your side of this! This is usually where people will recommend a 'therapist' as it is the most prescribed 'treatment' for everything these days.

I think you will probably need to at least have a long sober talk and throw ALL your shi7 on the floor. It will do nothing if you don't want to work to fix them, and habits don't break easy!

I will say, I could give you cringe worthy story after story, but I kept going back for more because I loved her and I am not a quitter. However, I figured out that you cannot change a person that is convinced there is nothing wrong. He probably is on the fence right now, which should make it obvious that something has to change.

I got tired of being chased! I literally told her "you have me roped, you don't need to keep trying to rope me". Maybe let him do some chasing!
Thanks for your advice, I know there is something wrong with me when it comes to drinking, and I'm going to change that for myself and my marriage. I really appreciate your words and taking the time to read me.
 

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Thanks for your advice, I know there is something wrong with me when it comes to drinking, and I'm going to change that for myself and my marriage. I really appreciate your words and taking the time to read me.
Please don't think of it as something "wrong" with you. It's just something with you that makes you want to make it better. That's not wrong persay, it's just something that doesn't work for you guys and it's something to find a way to make it different and more workable!
 
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