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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
As my own recovery continues and I share with others the resources I tap into to navigate it, I am finding it necessary to park it in one spot. This is that one spot that will be linked back to my signature line and will be edited as needed. As well as where the rest of my story will unfold.

Favorite Quotes:
"The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom." - Anais Nin


"To be a cowgirl is more than just fluff and stuff. You have to do your share of the work, kill your own snakes, never complain, mount up even when you know you may get bucked off, and all the while being more of a lady at work than when you are at home."~~Cowgirl Wisdom from Georgie Sicking, Nat'l Cowgirl Hall Of Fame Honoree

"Never underestimate the potential for things to improve
in ways you cannot yet imagine." Karen Rohlf


"Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary" - Pat Parelli

My Favorite Parellisms that work on people too!


Abuse Awareness:
Parelli Natural Horsemanship...where awareness and recovery started for me
The Abuse Thread
Stockholm Syndrome
Out of the Fog
Why Domestic Violence Victims Don't Leave
Luke17:3 Ministries for Adult Daughters of Abusive Birth Families
Abandonment Recovery
Healing Developmental Trauma
http://www.manipulative-people.com/

***The abuse left me with Complex PTSD and Codependency and propensity for Stockholm Syndrome listed above. I am learning to navigate them and take full responsibility to engage my ongoing recovery.


Long Term Recovery Support Group:
Celebrate Recovery - Christ centered 12 step program
ACOA - 12 step program

Short Term Intensive In House Codependency Treatment:
The Bridge to Recovery

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/318042-acoas-other-dysfunctional-trauma-its-effects-life-relationships.html



Recovery Books:
Bible
Codependenc No More
Beyond Codependency
The Language of Letting Go
Victory Over the Darkness
Narcissistic Predicaments
Emotional Blackmail
Boundaries
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
Emotional Unavailability
Unsafe People
The Emotionally Unavailable Man
You Don't Have to Take it Anymore
The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
Because He Loves Me
Toxic Inlaws
Toxic Parents
In Sheeps Clothing

Clarity on Boundaries:: Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits



Marriage Resources:
The Art of Marriage
How to Tame the Lame Blame Game
Jesus Teaching on Divorce by John MacArthur
The Other Man's Grass by Alistair Begg

Affair Recovery:
www.affairrecovery.com

My Story
Back Story Coming...
 

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As my own recovery continues and I share with others the resources I tap into to navigate it, I am finding it necessary to park it in one spot. This is that one spot that will be linked back to my signature line and will be edited as needed. As well as where the rest of my story will unfold.

Codependency Books:
Codependency No More
Beyond Codependency
The Language of Letting Go

Codependency Support Group:
Home

Abuse Recovery:
Coming...

Marriage Books:
Coming...

My Story
Coming...
I'm happy for you.. You've come a long way & helped others to get through where you've already been.. I'm so glad you're still here to help those of us that want to get to where you are now..
 

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I was thinking as a joke, I want to create a list of my top 20 advice.

Just copy and paste to see what fits the situation the best.

I wonder if anyone would notice.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
lol...

Instead of "pat" answers

They would be "fisty" answers
 

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Discussion Starter #8
In response to one of my favorite sayings now "Keep your eyes on your own paper!" from another thread.

Blossom Leigh, I think I might just steal that saying for myself! It's a really great way of gently reminding a spouse that they need to focus on themselves instead of everyone else. A little bit nicer than the saying I grew up with of "People in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks".

ETA: Blossom, do you and your H have a key word or phrase yet that can break through the PTSD triggers and get him to realize he is triggering?
Gosh, we've tried different things.

Right now none come to mind, but I do have a built strategy now for when he is. This last time it didn't work immediately because of the multiple tapes playing simultaneously, and took others getting involved to help him clear his fog. But the strategy still worked, just took longer, was more difficult and EXHAUSTED me with no immediate end in sight after six days already, so thats when I asked him to leave. I had to regain strength.

Two days later we met with our church counselors and his fog began to lift. But it still took a few more days to finally clear.

But here is the strategy..

Solid self acceptance
Complete with boundaries regarding destructive behaviors
As well as savvy of knowing when to release pressure
Honed personal integrity
Courage to stand on truth
No apology for standing on truth
Deep belief in speaking with calm dignity under fire


The last one is my weakness and I hone it all the time. It is very hard to maintain grace under fire, but extremely rewarding. There are times my switch flips and righteous indignation pours out. Even then I still work hard to keep it constructive and dignified. (Picture an intense Julia Sugarbaker).

ETA: Sometimes we will say during times of calm truth in the face of fire "this feels like an old tape is playing." You have to be very careful not to use it to invalidate or gaslight your spouse, but if you know you are calmly standing in truth, saying this in love is appropriate.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
By Blossom from This has destroyed me thread by Devastated an Lost

"I just focus on my worth when I am triggered by affair triggers.
I am Blossom Leigh... smart, strong, beautiful, courageous, fierce when I need to be, soft as I need to be, deeply loving, dependent on the Lord, but fiercely independent otherwise. I focus on God's promises like "The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him."

It takes intestinal fortitude and emotional agility to get them handled because they are NOT fully going away. These are cowgirl up moments as time moves along. I know you are tender now, but you will strengthen, I promise."

By Mr. Blunt - "what Blossom has described above is an antidote for hurt, fear and being trapped."
 

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Discussion Starter #11
In response to a potential future wayward wife:

Choose to spend your energy protecting your precious husband and kids, instead of justifying the poor actions and intent of this man. Regardless of marital issues, the level of destruction an affair causes is like sending a tsunami of pain roaring through your husband, your children, your extended family, his extended family, the OM's wife, their kids, their extended families and all the friends who surround all these listed. That's a lot of people. The fall out is extensive. You will hate yourself to the degree that just to live with yourself you will FALSELY blame your husband for your choice (you've already started) sending a second wave of pain through all listed above.

Right now is your most vulnerable moment because in absence of OM's flirting, you feel lonely. That is a very bad sign that you are further gone that you realize. Stop giving that air time in your head. It also could totally be strategy on his part to draw you in. Leaving a vaccuum of attention can draw out the vulnerable boundryless lonely person like a moth to a flame. Shake the fog already formed in your head that comes with affairs and protect your family. Everyone here can see the affair fog in your head. You have received excellent advice, none of it mean from my perspective. What are you going to do to protect your family from your entertainment of a very destructive choice that is headed your way if this fog doesn't lift.

Read Not Just Friends

Any man making these types of moves on you is not a friend to you, since he is not a friend to your marriage. He is a manipulator using charm to disarm you for his own selfish motives. Motives, that if responded to by you, sets off the tsunami mentioned above the second your lips touch his. And remember... They aren't immediately seen or heard, are they, but when they hit the destruction is massive, widespread and sure. And can be deadly. Are you ready to protect your unsuspecting family from that coming destruction or not?
 

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Discussion Starter #12
From time to time I would like to post some of my favorite responses of others regarding reconciliation post infidelity and here is one posted by one of the mods Amplexor to hurtinginohio as her and her H were struggling with the fallout of an EA.

You cannot be responsible for his emotional baggage on this. It is a situation that he created and will need to deal with. But he is emotionally lost at this point. His false emotional center is gone and his bond with your is broken, he's adrift. Counseling will help both of you with the fallout.

For you to have success the first priority is to kill the affair and total transparency. Many have already listed the steps needed to do that. I will disagree with Badmemory on exposure at this point. It is very much the nuclear option and my recommendation is to use it if the WS refuses to end the illicit relationship. If he has ended it and you can verify that to your satisfaction, exposure will only complicate the process and you'll have to deal with the fall out with family members for years to come.

If you elect to attempt R this is typically a long term process. It will not come in weeks and maybe not in months for full recovery. My wife had an EA with circumstances similar to your husband's. Only for a much longer time and I'd bet a deeper emotional connection. That was several years ago and we fully recovered. After the process of killing his feelings for this other woman begins you'll go through a process of limbo. After that, resentment towards him. If you immediately reconnect and go your merry way, you've probably not addressed core issues in marriage. Our marriage had to be rebuilt from scratch. The foundation properties were gone. Friendship, empathy, communication, respect and sexual intimacy were damaged before she entered into her affair and completely dismantled during it. It took years for us to get everything resolved, rebuilt and happy again. When the dust settles a bit you will need to do an inventory of the marriage and identify the issues both of you have in it. Counseling will help if you have the right one. Things will not work out as planned, there will be bumps and curves. It can be tough as hell.

I have no other immediate advice but wanted you to know marriages can recover from this as mine did. Best of luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Several new resources added to my first post :)
 

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I tried to access "How to Tame the Lame Blame Game", but the link didn't work.

But not sure how much it could contain. To me, all it takes is to call someone out on their lame attempt to blame their deplorable character and choices on their BS.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I will probably be out of pocket for a few days. I've had a death in the family. Please pray.
 

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I will probably be out of pocket for a few days. I've had a death in the family. Please pray.
Blossom Leigh

So sorry to hear of your loss, prayers to you and your loved ones. Stay strong and God bless.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Just wanted to honor my Uncle whom we lost last night. Gone too soon in his mid 60's was married to my Aunt, the one I am so close to, for 42 years. He was sweetly devoted to my Aunt and their four children. Vietnam veteran exposed to agent orange. He was blessed with deep patience and great common sense. A man of few words, but when he spoke you knew it was going to be wise. He will be greatly missed and was one of the early supporters when I stood up to my Mom's abuse. He always made sure I knew he loved me and that he had my back. Love him always.
 
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