Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 79 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
About 10 days ago I found out that my wife of 8 years and partner of 15 years had kissed another guy on 3 admitted occasions. I found this out by chance, just looking through her facebook friends. She has never been secrective and always keeps facebook open. I am on facebook but don't really even know how it works. I usually send birthday and holiday wishes through her and her fb account, When clicking on a coworker of hers I noticed a conversation. After reading it, it was clear she had kissed him after a Christmas party in 2009, as that is when the convo was dated. I was devestated.

We have 3 young kids aged 5, 4, and 2. She is so family oriented and so down to earth, this was the last thing I expected. I took this all in, waiting for her to come home. Afterthe kids were in bed I confronted her that I had information that she had kissed another guy after the Christmas party. She was blindsided herself, not knowing where I could have found out. She fessed up quickly saying she kissed a guy a the Christmas party, but lied and said he didn't work with her and worked for a law firm (my wife works in a courthouse and it is not unusual for lawyerrs and their staff to go to the court party). I went along with that story, she even used his real first name when fessing up. This is where the lies started to pile up.

My wife said she didn't know the guys last name and it was a one time thing. Her not knowing his last name would have set off an alarm as it is not like her to not know everything about everybody. When I confronted her that I knew the guy's name and that they worked together, she fell silent. She then told me that it was nothing and that they don't even work in the same department (true) and she didn't want me to think anything more was happening. She figured that if I thought they didn;t work together it would be easier for me to deal with. Something still bothered me.

The way somebody I trust more than anybody in the world could lie to me so easily, right to my face was disturbing. I kept on pushing the issue, asking if it really was a one time thing, how it happened, etc. Of course alcohol was involved and she said we had been arguing a lot at that time. She didn't use those as excuses. She owned up to being wrong. She swore it was a one time thing. I could still see the guilt on her face and called her bluff. She had no idea where I had gotten my info from, so she was unsure what I knew. Fianlly after 2 hours of back and forth, swearing it only happened once, I got her to admit she also kissed him during the 2008 party. To make a long story short, after more swearing that was it I elicited a third confession the next day. With the lies piling up, I didn't recognize the person in front of me. I was hurt, devestated,and pissed.

I will summarize to where we stand now. According to her, the 2008 kiss was the first and was enjoyed and encouraged. The second kiss happened after a party, was short after he walked her to the subway. The last kiss was the 2009 party which I found the convo about. She says she pulled away, thinking it could never happen again.

My wife swears the was no sex or oral sex. She was upfront about him feeling her up during the first kiss. She told me only one other person knew about what happened with her and the other guy, a female coworker. I then, without warning, text her friend pretending to be my wife. I text her friend to see if the info matched up. It did. I text and told her that a polygraph test was being scheduled. Her friend responded that it was a bit extreme for a few kisses but to do what it would take to save the marriage.

My wife actually called to schedule the polygraph test herself. She says she has now told me everything. She seems extremly remorseful and guilt ridden. I want to believe her but the ease and frequency at which she lied hurts. She says it was to protect me. She also said she would prefer that I don't confront teh other guy or his wife, but would understand if I did. She seems willing to take her medicine.

To tell the truth, the kisses don't really bother me, it is the lies. A person I thought was so trustworthy, such a good person, and do that to the person they love boggles my mind. She kissed another guy, that was married, and expecting a kid of his own, only months after giving birth to a second child herself. All those actions speak against everything she says she stands for.

Sorry for the long post.......oh, what to do.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
Expose him to his wife,wouldn't you want her to inform you if it was her who found out?
Also expose your wife to her family and friends who don't know.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
By all means proceed with the polygraph. Things are likely more than she confessed. Because only a preteen would stop at ONE kiss a year. No way Jose.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,002 Posts
Definitely expose to OMs wife.

I am afraid that it makes no sense at all that they continue to share intimate kisses ONLY during and after a party.

Set up that polygraph and be prepared to learn that it has be more, much more that a few kisses.

Sorry, but refer to rule #1. Cheaters lie. If their mouth is moving, they are lying.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
I agree let her schedule the poly. She's gonna trickle truth all the way up to the test. Sorry about this bro you got some young kids. Make her take the poly.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Since she works at the courthouse, be sure the polygrapher isn't a friend of hers or a friend of the OM. If you read the threads here you'll discover that cheaters can be very devious.

I'm not saying you wife is, but better to take precautions.

Also, what her friend said on the phone could be true as far as she knows, but does she know everything?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,149 Posts
Walkonmars has it 100 percent. Make sure the poly goes thru, it will likely lessen any doubts that it went further. A kiss is hella lot less than sex though the feel up would be troubling if under the clothes rather than a through the shirt boobie squeeze.

Btw I would make the questioner ask the following two questions after the ones about the known incident.
1. Have you kissed anyone else lip to lip besides your husband since you both agreed on exclusivity with each other?
2. Have you had sexual whether oral, manual, or vaginal relations with anyone else besides your husband since you both agreed on exclusivity with each other?
3. Have you been nude or topless with a member of the opposite sex since you agreed on exclusivity with each other?
4. Was the feel up under or over the clothing? Breast, vagina or butt?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
Exactly, Man in Pain, the fact that someone you trust so much, can lie so easily can be devastating.

I also doubt if you're being told the truth. Just trickle truth. Prepare yourself for some nasty revelations . . . . . and they'll come bit by bit by bit by bit. . . .

WalkOnMars makes an excellent point about the polygraph.

I don't think you've got anything like the truth so it makes no sense that she'd want to take a poly . . . . . unless someone she knows will give the results you want to hear.

I hope I'm wrong. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
We see so many stories like yours on here, "only" kisses that go on for several years. It never turns out to be "only" kisses. Everyone that posts here thinks their wife was SO, SO HONEST and can never believe their wife would ever, ever tell a small fib, much less a big lie.

Take a look at your story from our eyes out here in cyberspace, where none of us know that your wife was inducted into the Honesty Hall of Fame back in 2007.

They work together, have since at least 2008, and still do. They kissed each other, "only kissed," three times between 2008 and 2009. And she was telling her friend all about it.

Does that story sound plausible to you? How do you know she didn't go on to have sex with the guy, but just not tell the friend about it? I'm not saying it's impossible she is telling the truth, her story is theoretically possible, but it doesn't make sense. Usually, if a story doesn't make sense, it's a lie.

Also, the first time they confess, and even the second and third, these cheaters never tell the entire truth. Look at the other threads here. Your wife does not stand out in any way from the other cheaters other posters are posting about. See how many of the others came clean on the first try? I don't think you'll ever get the whole truth, but at least you should get a story that makes sense. The thing is, adults usually don't stop at kissing. If they do something and regret it, they don't put themselves in that situation again. So, yeah, this story makes no sense. She kissed him, really regretted it, but put herself in that situation two more times.

How did she continue to work with the other man? Did they ever meet for lunch? What did they say to each other about it when they saw each other? Then they got themselves alone together two more times to kiss again during the course of the next year? What happened at all of the parties since then?

Schedule the polygraph.

Get the phone records and look for the other man's number.

Contact the other man's wife and let her know what went on. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Other man's wife might be able to fill you in on what really went on. Give her your evidence, tell her what you know, ask her to check on her end and tell her that you should both let each other know if you find anything else.

Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under her front seat. You should pick up what she is telling her toxic girlfriend within a week.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,598 Posts
I think both the kisses and the lies are equally disturbing.

Also, something you said struck a chord with me- "The way somebody I trust more than anybody in the world could lie to me so easily, right to my face was disturbing."

Clearly there are reasons why your wife got herself in that situation in the first place- and it wasn't the alcohol.

There is also a reason she never told you and then lied to you. And that has nothing to do with booze either.

It's partly because she wanted to. And that, to me, is where the real issues lie.

That tells me she doesn't love you. Otherwise this would never of happened. That is where you need to start with some decisions.

Also, I fully agree to let the OM's wife know about everything. I would say that is mandatory.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Be aware that if things are worse than your wife said, she has probably warned the OM by now.

If she has, the OM has probably told his wife that one of his co-workers has a paranoid husband that is making wild accusations and has even accused him of being a partner. He will warn his wife not to talk to you because you are nuts.

So, when you call his wife notice how she reacts. If she is short with you and dismisses you without questioning further you will have a clue that she has been warned about you. It will be especially true if she refuses to talk to you or if she tells you to never call her again.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,301 Posts
Walkonmars has it 100 percent. Make sure the poly goes thru, it will likely lessen any doubts that it went further. A kiss is hella lot less than sex though the feel up would be troubling if under the clothes rather than a through the shirt boobie squeeze.

Btw I would make the questioner ask the following two questions after the ones about the known incident.
1. Have you kissed anyone else lip to lip besides your husband since you both agreed on exclusivity with each other?
2. Have you had sexual whether oral, manual, or vaginal relations with anyone else besides your husband since you both agreed on exclusivity with each other?
3. Have you been nude or topless with a member of the opposite sex since you agreed on exclusivity with each other?
4. Was the feel up under or over the clothing? Breast, vagina or butt?
I know of someone that came up with a clever idea of getting the truth to all questions he wanted answered. He wrote out a list of questions (25-50, don't recall exactly) and had his WW answer all the questions. He informed her afterwards that he would be asking only one question during the poly but, of course, she would be unaware of which one. Notice he didn't say one question on the list, but just one question period (no deception, no lying).

His question for the polygraph:

On the list of questions your BH gave you did you answer all of them truthfully? (or something like that)

She failed. The polygraph guy told him he knew she would fail before he even administered the test...simply by her reaction to the one question being asked, which is revealed before the test is even given.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,642 Posts
man in pain,

You said that you discovered a FB message where it was clear she had kissed the OM.

Were they talking about the kiss? Was she showing remorse for it? Did she say that she liked it? Wanted more?

Can you clue us in as to what the messaging conversation was about?

It might help us determine the true extent of her relationship with OM.

Sorry you're here. Stay strong.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
I know of someone that came up with a clever idea of getting the truth to all questions he wanted answered. He wrote out a list of questions (25-50, don't recall exactly) and had his WW answer all the questions. He informed her afterwards that he would be asking only one question during the poly but, of course, she would be unaware of which one. Notice he didn't say one question on the list, but just one question period (no deception, no lying).

His question for the polygraph:

On the list of questions your BH gave you did you answer all of them truthfully? (or something like that)

She failed. The polygraph guy told him he knew she would fail before he even administered the test...simply by her reaction to the one question being asked, which is revealed before the test is even given.
Very clever and effective. I understand that the standard poly only allows for a maximum of 3 "yes/no" questions. So this is an excellent tactic.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,301 Posts
Very clever and effective. I understand that the standard poly only allows for a maximum of 3 "yes/no" questions. So this is an excellent tactic.
I thought it was quite ingenious as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Everybody, thanks for the advice.

"Since she works at the courthouse, be sure the polygrapher isn't a friend of hers or a friend of the OM. If you read the threads here you'll discover that cheaters can be very devious." -Walkonmars

I work in law enforcement myself, I gave her the number of the guy I want her to use and she scheduled the appointment on the spot, right in front of me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Everybody, thanks for the advice.

"Since she works at the courthouse, be sure the polygrapher isn't a friend of hers or a friend of the OM. If you read the threads here you'll discover that cheaters can be very devious." -Walkonmars

I work in law enforcement myself, I gave her the number of the guy I want her to use and she scheduled the appointment on the spot, right in front of me.
A good sign. Do you have friends in her dept or his dept that you can discreetly approach and ask if they've noticed anything peculiar about OM and your wife or any other woman? Does the OM have a reputation as a player?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
@ThreeStrikes

The convo on FB shows him initiating about the party with my wife acknowleding it in what I read as an indifferent response. The message was about 2 moths after the party, which leads me to honestly believe it was their first contact after the kiss. My wife did change the topic back to a work-like convo. He tried to talk about the party at to which she responded with a question about his preganant wife. He responded talking about the future baby and the convo ended
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
30,599 Posts
Definitely expose to OMs wife.

I am afraid that it makes no sense at all that they continue to share intimate kisses ONLY during and after a party.

Set up that polygraph and be prepared to learn that it has be more, much more that a few kisses.

Sorry, but refer to rule #1. Cheaters lie. If their mouth is moving, they are lying.
Back in the 1970s, Christmas Kisses (with a lot of tongue) was the norm, rather than the exception at the very large firm I worked in. Married, single, nearly everyone was at it. At age 16/17 that's how I got my first real kiss. :eek:

But now? I am not certain that kind of thing is encouraged or even allowed. But just a kiss at a Christmas Party? It does or did happen.
 
1 - 20 of 79 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top