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I have been married to my husband since 2008. He is 12 years older than me and recently retired. We moved to California together along with 3 of my teenagers/young adult children. He gets very upset because my kids do not talk to him that much because when they do if they don't say something exactly how he feels it should be said he takes if personal. ex. At dinner with a bunch of family and friends, my daughter was having a conversation with her friend, brother and my husband. My husband said something about is that a good conversation to have before dinner? She said we always have those conversations at the dinner table. He said, I know. I have known you for how many years? Then he was mad. He always says he feels like he doesn't belong. My kids are never rude or disrespectful to him but they don't have long conversations with him. It is like walking on eggshells. They constantly have to worry about offending him so it is easier to have little conversation. My son woke up Monday morning and asked my husband if he cared if he went surfing. My husband said how long did you have this planned. My son said just decided. My husband said go ahead and later called me to see if he went with someone. My son called me when he got to the beach and told me his friend was meeting him. My husband got mad because he felt my son had this planned.

My husband is retired but picked up this little p/t job. He lasted about 2 months and got a bug up his butt and quit yesterday without giving any notice. Than he told me he was going to visit him mom for 8 weeks and already got the ticket. Never a discussion. We were going to put my daughter in private school and he said he would drive her to school. Now I can't put her in because there is no way for her to get to school. I start a new job in a couple days. I don't care that he goes, what I care about is he made a commitment and can't even have a discussion to see if we could make other arrangements. There is also a possibilty I will be having surgery on my ankle during that time period.

This is the 3rd time in a 1 1/2 that he has left for weeks at a time. After about 2 weeks of being there he calls constantly telling me how made a mistake. I am getting really tired of this and I am not even sure I want him coming home. It is hard to respect your spouse when they run, quit and are complusive. We have tried counseling and he goes when things are good and doesn't show up when things are bad. I keep allowing this behavior because I love him and I am a Christian but now sure what to do now.

Any advice?
 

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I keep allowing this behavior because I love him and I am a Christian but now sure what to do now.
Is your husband a Christian too? There is nothing in the Bible I've read that says you aren't to set boundaries on behavior that is not acceptable. Jesus set firm boundaries. If people didn't like it, tough.

So is hubs mangling Ephesians 5:22-24, where it says you are to submit to your husband? Because his coming and going when the mood strikes him certainly sounds like he is abusing his head-of-household status.
 

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It's hard to blend families and it sounds like this is not working out for you all.

What were your children talking about before dinner that your husband had to say something about? On the surface he sounds way out of line on this.

The instance where your son went surfing. What does it matter is he had planned it? I'd be glad that my kid had a friend with him. At least someone would be there to know if he something bad happened in the water.

If you are fed up with this all and his taking off for 8 weeks now maybe telling him not to come back is the answer. Spouses don't just take off for weeks at a time leaving the other hanging. Not cool at all. And he does this often?
 

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My husband does claim to be a Christian but only God truly knows his heart. I am not exactly sure what the kids were talking about but it was typical teenager talk. My kids are very involved in church so it wasn't something really bad. Probably about expelling gas or stinky feet (the conversation was before the food even came).

I understand his mom, aunt and uncle are elderly and I am really okay with him going. What I am not okay with is making the discussion with his mom, uncle and sister before talking to me. In fact it wasn't a discussion between the two of us, he told me he is going.

The last time he went it was because his dad was ill but the way he left was not right. We weren't even speaking when he left.

I really need to pray about this because right now I don't want him coming back. I feel as though I keep allowing this behavior and it continues because I haven't stopped it.
 

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I think any time that someone blends families together, the spouse has to consider their children, especially if they are still living at home. I would be really mad if my mom had let me and my brother walk around on egg shells because my step father was always in a mood. I was lucky and have a great step father. Just think about your children in this situation. It isn't fair to them. Maybe that will help you soothe your conscious.
 

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I have no issue with you praying. But maybe God is already giving you a certain feeling that this isn't working out. After all, we are endowed with a brain and wisdom. What is the wise course of action to take here?

As far as whether or not your husband is a Christian, c'mon ... that doesn't have to be between him and God. Does he attend church, does he tithe, does he profess his faith?

Just my gut instinct here, but something tells me that you realize this isn't working out. I also think you know where your husband stands faith-wise. After all, you dated him and I assume you two discussed your positions on faith prior to marriage.

Your husband sounds like he is insensitive to how it affects you when it comes to what he wants to do, but gets his back up easily when he isn't calling all the shots.

From where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like a particularly pleasant relationship.
 

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your husband must think he's still single if he thinks he can make plans to go away for 8 weeks, during which time you will have surgery and have to change your child's schooling, and not even mention it to you. does he consult you about anything? I'm guessing that he's not too happy having kids around all of a sudden, but you and the kids are a package deal.

If you're hoping he won't come back, or thinking that you'll be happier if he doesn't, this really isn't a marriage worth saving. You can't go through your days being happier without your H than with him. I'm sure your kids feel the same way, and wonder where's the love, since the definitely don't see it from either of you. This is no way to raise kids. This is probably killing them seeing you in such a sad relationship.
 
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