[Loloberry]

Hello all,

My husband and I each have one child from previous marriages. He has always said that he doesn't want anymore. His ex-wife stopped taking her birth control without telling him even though he said he wasn't ready. When things got rough in their marriage she left and moved to a small town half way across the country before filing for divorce. He was extremely hurt by this and doesn't want anymore children because he feels like his daughter may feel left behind. I completely understand and see his point of view. I would never want his daughter to feel like he loves other children more than her.

My ex-husband has never been involved in my son's life by choice and my biggest concern for him was a stable home and him knowing that he was loved. I was alone during my pregnancy and a single mom to a very difficult baby. I wasn't sure I wanted to go through that again. Because of all of the drama in the past with ex's I agreed that the two children we had previously was enough.

Fast forward several years...

The problem is now that there is no drama in our life and we have a very stable household, I want nothing more than to have his child. It is a totally overwhelming and all consuming feeling. He is the greatest man and father I have ever met. I would also love a sibling for my son. With my step-daughter living half way across the country that isn't really a sibling relationship. I absolutely agreed to no more children, but I can't seem to let this go. I don't bring it up because I know it just makes him feel guilty for not giving me what I want, and I don't want that. I know what I signed up for. Divorce is also not an option. I love him far too much.

Does anybody have any thoughts or words of wisdom about how to let this overwhelming feeling go? I very much doubt he will change his mind (he is thinking about a vasectomy), so I need to move on from it. Does the want for another child ever go away?

Oh and my husband is in the military, so moving closer to his daughter is not really an option.

 

[Anonymous07]

The want for another child, may or may not ever go away. If you push your feelings aside and stay with your husband, you may end up resenting him for not wanting a child with you and regret not giving your son a sibling. You have to decide on whether or not this issue is a deal breaker. For me, that would be a deal breaker. I love my husband more than anything, but if he didn't want children, I'd have to leave. I have always wanted a family and if he wasn't on the same page as me, we wouldn't continue to be married. If you truly want another child, then you will have to move on and find someone who has the same wants in life for a family. Otherwise you will have to deal with the unknown of how you will feel in the future with no additional children.

 

[Wiltshireman]

OP,

You say that when you meet your now husband you each had a child and you both agreed that those two children would be enough. Agreeing on these long term goals is IMHO an essential prerequisite to a stable relationship.

I have no doubt that your change so heart on this is both genuine and heartfelt but you must give your husband time to adjust to it. He may (once he understands your depth of feeling) come to share your desire for a child together. Unless this longing for a child is more important to you than your marriage then do not try and force the issue. Whatever you do please do not try and trick him into fatherhood in the way his first wife did as that could ruin everything you have together.

 

[Loloberry]

Thank you for your reply Wiltshireman. It seems silly in retrospect, but I don't think it even occurred to me that he would have to get used to my change of heart. I wanted him to just accept it then and there. Obviously that isn't realistic! Lol Wanting a child is definitely not more important than my marriage, because I don't just want any child, I want his child. I wouldn't ever trick him into fatherhood either. That is just way too wrong on so many levels. They say time heals all wounds, maybe it will heal this too.