I am at my wits end and need some advice.
I'm actually posting in a marriage forum but we are not married - yet.
I'm 34 years old and have an 8 year old son from a previous marriage. I have been divorced for 7 years and have dated around in attempt to find the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I have a good career and am financially stable, but I am not happy in my career but accept and am thankful for the ability to take care of myself and my son. All I want is to find the man I can fall in love with that loves me too and we share the same wants/dreams in life. I want another child, (I always wanted 2) and to me having a child with the man I love is the ultimate expression of love. I did not get to experience that with my son, the pregnancy was unwanted by my husband at the time and ended up destroying our already unstable relationship. If it were a perfect world, I would have been married in my mid-twenties and been a SAHM, had my two kids and then focused on a career once they were in highschool. Obviously it is too late for all of that. So that's the background.
8 months ago I found the man I can totally see spending the rest of my life with. He feels the same way about me. The catch is that he is divorced 5 years and they had 3 kids together. He grew up feeling that he either did not want children at all or if he did it would happen very late in life. His wife had other ideas. He ended up giving in to her and had 3 children. Obviously it did not end well. The youngest is 6.
When we first started dating we were both very up front and honest with each other about what we want in life. I told him that I want another child, he said he really didn't ... but that he always told himself if he met someone that did not have one of their own he would give them one. I don't fall in that category, so we started discussing the issue. I feel it is a deal breaker, so back then he compromised by saying if we got married and we were married a year and financially able to have another then we would.
Now he has gone back and said that no, he really just does not want another. We are pretty madly in love, everything is great between us. We haven't had our children around each other or ourselves enough for them to have any attachments yet thankfully. We have discussed and discussed this to death. I feel like it is still a huge issue - that I cannot possibly go forward with developing stronger feelings for him knowing that I would have to sacrifice something I feel like I really need.
His argument is that he already has 3 children. That his children and him should be good enough for me. His children don't live with him full time and besides, they are not truly mine. Of course I would love them ... but it is not the same. He said that he worries too much over the 3 he has - financially and just in general and that it would be too much for him to add another. That combined we would have 4... when in reality it would only be my son living with us 90% and his living with us 40%. Also he argues that what we have is special and that it would be a complete gamble for me to drop it hoping to find something of this caliber again with someone that would want a baby together too. He has a point.
Not to mention the fact that he wants to stay living in or closer to where his ex wife lives for convenience in picking up his kids. I live in an area that I really love and have lived in since my son was born. So if we did combine, I would have to give that up as well.
This whole thing has blown up. He is stressing out over this pretty badly and we have tried ignoring it but it ends up coming back up. Resentment for him is already setting in for me.
All my gf's agree with me, they think that what I want is not crazy and that I still have time to find someone who wants the same thing.
My problem is that I feel like I have a timer counting down in my brain. Physically I don't feel comfortable having a child past the age of 36 due to all the health risks involved... so the chances of me finding another man I love as much as this one and getting married then having a baby ... seems pretty impossible.
I just wish he could see how important this is for me. Imo, it is not that big of a deal to have another baby. For God's sake, I did this one practically alone except for every other weekend and a little child support money.
So go or no go with him? Sorry for the long post.
I'm actually posting in a marriage forum but we are not married - yet.
I'm 34 years old and have an 8 year old son from a previous marriage. I have been divorced for 7 years and have dated around in attempt to find the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I have a good career and am financially stable, but I am not happy in my career but accept and am thankful for the ability to take care of myself and my son. All I want is to find the man I can fall in love with that loves me too and we share the same wants/dreams in life. I want another child, (I always wanted 2) and to me having a child with the man I love is the ultimate expression of love. I did not get to experience that with my son, the pregnancy was unwanted by my husband at the time and ended up destroying our already unstable relationship. If it were a perfect world, I would have been married in my mid-twenties and been a SAHM, had my two kids and then focused on a career once they were in highschool. Obviously it is too late for all of that. So that's the background.
8 months ago I found the man I can totally see spending the rest of my life with. He feels the same way about me. The catch is that he is divorced 5 years and they had 3 kids together. He grew up feeling that he either did not want children at all or if he did it would happen very late in life. His wife had other ideas. He ended up giving in to her and had 3 children. Obviously it did not end well. The youngest is 6.
When we first started dating we were both very up front and honest with each other about what we want in life. I told him that I want another child, he said he really didn't ... but that he always told himself if he met someone that did not have one of their own he would give them one. I don't fall in that category, so we started discussing the issue. I feel it is a deal breaker, so back then he compromised by saying if we got married and we were married a year and financially able to have another then we would.
Now he has gone back and said that no, he really just does not want another. We are pretty madly in love, everything is great between us. We haven't had our children around each other or ourselves enough for them to have any attachments yet thankfully. We have discussed and discussed this to death. I feel like it is still a huge issue - that I cannot possibly go forward with developing stronger feelings for him knowing that I would have to sacrifice something I feel like I really need.
His argument is that he already has 3 children. That his children and him should be good enough for me. His children don't live with him full time and besides, they are not truly mine. Of course I would love them ... but it is not the same. He said that he worries too much over the 3 he has - financially and just in general and that it would be too much for him to add another. That combined we would have 4... when in reality it would only be my son living with us 90% and his living with us 40%. Also he argues that what we have is special and that it would be a complete gamble for me to drop it hoping to find something of this caliber again with someone that would want a baby together too. He has a point.
Not to mention the fact that he wants to stay living in or closer to where his ex wife lives for convenience in picking up his kids. I live in an area that I really love and have lived in since my son was born. So if we did combine, I would have to give that up as well.
This whole thing has blown up. He is stressing out over this pretty badly and we have tried ignoring it but it ends up coming back up. Resentment for him is already setting in for me.
All my gf's agree with me, they think that what I want is not crazy and that I still have time to find someone who wants the same thing.
My problem is that I feel like I have a timer counting down in my brain. Physically I don't feel comfortable having a child past the age of 36 due to all the health risks involved... so the chances of me finding another man I love as much as this one and getting married then having a baby ... seems pretty impossible.
I just wish he could see how important this is for me. Imo, it is not that big of a deal to have another baby. For God's sake, I did this one practically alone except for every other weekend and a little child support money.
So go or no go with him? Sorry for the long post.