Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am at my wits end and need some advice.

I'm actually posting in a marriage forum but we are not married - yet.

I'm 34 years old and have an 8 year old son from a previous marriage. I have been divorced for 7 years and have dated around in attempt to find the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I have a good career and am financially stable, but I am not happy in my career but accept and am thankful for the ability to take care of myself and my son. All I want is to find the man I can fall in love with that loves me too and we share the same wants/dreams in life. I want another child, (I always wanted 2) and to me having a child with the man I love is the ultimate expression of love. I did not get to experience that with my son, the pregnancy was unwanted by my husband at the time and ended up destroying our already unstable relationship. If it were a perfect world, I would have been married in my mid-twenties and been a SAHM, had my two kids and then focused on a career once they were in highschool. Obviously it is too late for all of that. So that's the background.

8 months ago I found the man I can totally see spending the rest of my life with. He feels the same way about me. The catch is that he is divorced 5 years and they had 3 kids together. He grew up feeling that he either did not want children at all or if he did it would happen very late in life. His wife had other ideas. He ended up giving in to her and had 3 children. Obviously it did not end well. The youngest is 6.

When we first started dating we were both very up front and honest with each other about what we want in life. I told him that I want another child, he said he really didn't ... but that he always told himself if he met someone that did not have one of their own he would give them one. I don't fall in that category, so we started discussing the issue. I feel it is a deal breaker, so back then he compromised by saying if we got married and we were married a year and financially able to have another then we would.

Now he has gone back and said that no, he really just does not want another. We are pretty madly in love, everything is great between us. We haven't had our children around each other or ourselves enough for them to have any attachments yet thankfully. We have discussed and discussed this to death. I feel like it is still a huge issue - that I cannot possibly go forward with developing stronger feelings for him knowing that I would have to sacrifice something I feel like I really need.

His argument is that he already has 3 children. That his children and him should be good enough for me. His children don't live with him full time and besides, they are not truly mine. Of course I would love them ... but it is not the same. He said that he worries too much over the 3 he has - financially and just in general and that it would be too much for him to add another. That combined we would have 4... when in reality it would only be my son living with us 90% and his living with us 40%. Also he argues that what we have is special and that it would be a complete gamble for me to drop it hoping to find something of this caliber again with someone that would want a baby together too. He has a point.

Not to mention the fact that he wants to stay living in or closer to where his ex wife lives for convenience in picking up his kids. I live in an area that I really love and have lived in since my son was born. So if we did combine, I would have to give that up as well.

This whole thing has blown up. He is stressing out over this pretty badly and we have tried ignoring it but it ends up coming back up. Resentment for him is already setting in for me.

All my gf's agree with me, they think that what I want is not crazy and that I still have time to find someone who wants the same thing.

My problem is that I feel like I have a timer counting down in my brain. Physically I don't feel comfortable having a child past the age of 36 due to all the health risks involved... so the chances of me finding another man I love as much as this one and getting married then having a baby ... seems pretty impossible.

I just wish he could see how important this is for me. Imo, it is not that big of a deal to have another baby. For God's sake, I did this one practically alone except for every other weekend and a little child support money.

So go or no go with him? Sorry for the long post.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,113 Posts
I am at my wits end and need some advice.

I'm actually posting in a marriage forum but we are not married - yet.

I'm 34 years old and have an 8 year old son from a previous marriage. I have been divorced for 7 years and have dated around in attempt to find the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I have a good career and am financially stable, but I am not happy in my career but accept and am thankful for the ability to take care of myself and my son. All I want is to find the man I can fall in love with that loves me too and we share the same wants/dreams in life. I want another child, (I always wanted 2) and to me having a child with the man I love is the ultimate expression of love. I did not get to experience that with my son, the pregnancy was unwanted by my husband at the time and ended up destroying our already unstable relationship. If it were a perfect world, I would have been married in my mid-twenties and been a SAHM, had my two kids and then focused on a career once they were in highschool. Obviously it is too late for all of that. So that's the background.

8 months ago I found the man I can totally see spending the rest of my life with. He feels the same way about me. The catch is that he is divorced 5 years and they had 3 kids together. He grew up feeling that he either did not want children at all or if he did it would happen very late in life. His wife had other ideas. He ended up giving in to her and had 3 children. Obviously it did not end well. The youngest is 6.

When we first started dating we were both very up front and honest with each other about what we want in life. I told him that I want another child, he said he really didn't ... but that he always told himself if he met someone that did not have one of their own he would give them one. I don't fall in that category, so we started discussing the issue. I feel it is a deal breaker, so back then he compromised by saying if we got married and we were married a year and financially able to have another then we would.

Now he has gone back and said that no, he really just does not want another. We are pretty madly in love, everything is great between us. We haven't had our children around each other or ourselves enough for them to have any attachments yet thankfully. We have discussed and discussed this to death. I feel like it is still a huge issue - that I cannot possibly go forward with developing stronger feelings for him knowing that I would have to sacrifice something I feel like I really need.

His argument is that he already has 3 children. That his children and him should be good enough for me. His children don't live with him full time and besides, they are not truly mine. Of course I would love them ... but it is not the same. He said that he worries too much over the 3 he has - financially and just in general and that it would be too much for him to add another. That combined we would have 4... when in reality it would only be my son living with us 90% and his living with us 40%. Also he argues that what we have is special and that it would be a complete gamble for me to drop it hoping to find something of this caliber again with someone that would want a baby together too. He has a point.

Not to mention the fact that he wants to stay living in or closer to where his ex wife lives for convenience in picking up his kids. I live in an area that I really love and have lived in since my son was born. So if we did combine, I would have to give that up as well.

This whole thing has blown up. He is stressing out over this pretty badly and we have tried ignoring it but it ends up coming back up. Resentment for him is already setting in for me.

All my gf's agree with me, they think that what I want is not crazy and that I still have time to find someone who wants the same thing.

My problem is that I feel like I have a timer counting down in my brain. Physically I don't feel comfortable having a child past the age of 36 due to all the health risks involved... so the chances of me finding another man I love as much as this one and getting married then having a baby ... seems pretty impossible.

I just wish he could see how important this is for me. Imo, it is not that big of a deal to have another baby. For God's sake, I did this one practically alone except for every other weekend and a little child support money.

So go or no go with him? Sorry for the long post.
My opinion - deal breaker. I would move on. I had my last 2 kids at 39 and 42 (42 by 17 days) and all were well. My Dr. Has been in practice 30 years and has delivered 3 Down's Syndrome babies and they were to women in mid-teens and early 20's. I understand your time line, but you might have more time than you realized. That being said, there are still many unknowns with him to give up your dream. What if your kids don't get along or when you spend time with his kids on an on-going basis, you don't like them or they don't like you?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
My opinion - deal breaker. I would move on. I had my last 2 kids at 39 and 42 (42 by 17 days) and all were well. My Dr. Has been in practice 30 years and has delivered 3 Down's Syndrome babies and they were to women in mid-teens and early 20's. I understand your time line, but you might have more time than you realized. That being said, there are still many unknowns with him to give up your dream. What if your kids don't get along or when you spend time with his kids on an on-going basis, you don't like them or they don't like you?
Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you so much for your response! You have no idea how relieving it is to hear that from you - about the fact that you had 2 completely healthy children after the age of 35. I'm in good health and take very good care of myself so I think I could have kids until 45... but you never know. The doctor's typically frighten you with all the "risks" talk.

Logically, my brain says to move on from him. That his reasons are selfishly based and do I want to commit my life to someone like that? But I do love him, and we have so much in common and are a great balance for each other in the things we don't have in common.

As far as the kid thing goes, you are right. He has spent a few days around my son - enough for me to gauge that so far they like each other. Plus my son is easy, he wants me to be married and have a baby too ;-) Of course he does! He has no idea what that entails. In turn, I spent a couple of days around his children and got some one on one time with them for a few hours so he could go to the gym. They are great kids and we got along well - but that was really not enough time to base the future on. All our kids together have only hung out once for a couple of hours and they have asked for each other ever since. Once again... not enough to gauge a future on.

This is such a mess. I don't know what to do. This is my last resort, gather as many different opinions as possible and go from there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
257 Posts
Two things jumped out at me from your post.

1. How he agreed to one thing (having a child after one year if financially stable) and then went back it and changed it. Plus, financially stable is relative, what if after one year you felt that you were financilly able to have another child but he disagreed. By that time there your kids could be attached.

2. He wants to stay where he is for convenance in picking up his kids, that sounds great on the face of it. But think about the inpact on your son to have to move. Would you be moving your son farther away from his own father? Your boyfriend should be willing to comprimise on that, living half way inbetween for example?

At this point I am agreeing with your girlfriends, I think this is a deal breaker.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Two things jumped out at me from your post.

1. How he agreed to one thing (having a child after one year if financially stable) and then went back it and changed it. Plus, financially stable is relative, what if after one year you felt that you were financilly able to have another child but he disagreed. By that time there your kids could be attached.

2. He wants to stay where he is for convenance in picking up his kids, that sounds great on the face of it. But think about the inpact on your son to have to move. Would you be moving your son farther away from his own father? Your boyfriend should be willing to comprimise on that, living half way inbetween for example?

At this point I am agreeing with your girlfriends, I think this is a deal breaker.
Thanks Sadie -
#1 - I completely agree and that frightens me too.

#2 - I should have clarified better, he does want to stay put or even move closer but he has also agreed to moving to a half way point. Yes it would indeed put my son much farther from his bio Dad either way, since his bio Dad lives 20 min from me in the complete opposite direction. I think I just focus on this as a sacrifice I would be making regardless.

So far two deal breakers. Thanks ladies, keep the votes coming.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,168 Posts
Man.

If you go forward, this does not end well.

I have very clear rules of engagement in my dating. I already have 2 children. I do not want more. I was in a marriage where I was deprioritized once kids hit the scene. I adore my children, but I didn't get married to have kids. I got married to have a wife ... which I no longer have.

I appreciate that you want what you want. All the power to you.

But ... and I mean no disrespect, the men you are likely to continue meeting in their mid-thirties to early forties, are likely coming from circumstances very much like mine. They are already juggling children of their own. Add your children, and the prospect of having children together and once again, the 'relationship' gets dropped to the bottom of the list. I did that dance. I would never stay in a relationship where that were the case again.

Hope you meet someone that is enthusiastic about the idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
Move on. You know what you want and he doesn't want it.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top