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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Geez. Where to begin.

I'm a dood, 36 years of age. My "wife" is not a dood (personal preference), 38 years of age. We have two children together.

Been together 9 years, married for 2ish.

2 months ago, after suspecting and snooping for a long time, I caught her in an affair with a coworker. I was very cautious how I initially approached this.. I was kind of curious just how far she would take it.
At first, the only confessions that I got were that she was just having an emotional affair.... We all know that EA is codeword for lying like crazy. Well, I should say, at least I NOW know that is the codeword.... She claimed to have ended it at this point... I waited another month, still suspecting weirdness, trying to get physical evidence, meanwhile, we still had occasional sex, etc. I guess in denial, I forced myself to believe it was EA that was over.

Anyways, the home life was crap. She would push me so hard. It was as if she was trying to get me to snap. Well, snap I did. I was getting blamed for a lack of effort in our relationship (how ironic in hind sight) and she would continuously just basically push me aside and put in no effort herself. In the meantime, she secretly started up a nasty ole smear campaign against me with her family, stating how evil I was, how evil my family is, etc etc. You guys know what I am talking about. Those guys just stopped talking to me. I was confused.

But anyways- back to the snapping. Yeah, I snapped. I knew for sure something was up, I didn't exactly know what, and I just lost it. She had then confessed to an 8 month affair with a coworker, that only was "making out in his car"...
MMhmm. So uhh, yeah, I kicked her out... and she went to go live with that guy.. more on this later.

We met up again about 4 days later to discuss how we would handle visitation with the kids, etc. She was set to move to an apartment with her top secret idiot lover. Of course, she lied to me and told me it was someone else she was going to move in with at first. She finally told me it was him. I told her that there was no way on this planet I would let my children be around this homewrecking idiot. And that is really when it all changed.. All of the sudden, she didn't want to move in with this guy and wanted to work it out. *sigh*.. It wasn't until I refused to let the kids around him that she even tried to re-conciliate.

I told her at that point, if I caught her lying again, that's it - I would be done. But really, who was I kidding. At this point the story had changed to it was never anything other than making out in his car, with at most a hand up her shirt. She swore up and down that was all that happened. She told me she loved him at first.. Later to say, she only thought she did.

Anyways - now we are 2 months into this so called reconciliation. Yes, I visit her at her place, yes I have sex once in awhile with her.... but since then, the story of the affair has changed about 6 times.. Let me state the most recent reality:
Not only did it always happen in the car I pay for - but the -night- she moved out, she claims they tried to have sex, but he suffered from erectile dysfunction (at 37) and couldn't make it happen... Instead, they gave each other oral. Mind you, this took two months of grilling after I felt that the story was very inconsistent.
So basically she was one limpy away from full on sex. The only thing stopping her. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Too much lying. I just have to pretty much accept the fact that a lot more has happened, because this trickle truth crap has done nothing but make things worse for me. I am supposed to trust this person?

I suppose that I am starting to get past the shock part of all this. I am slipping into more of a rage thing.. I mean.... good grief, 8 months worth of this (and probably longer).. and now that I caught her, I am the chosen one?? Almost a year of being a demon, and now it was all a giant mistake?

What the hell am I supposed to do here? How in the world am I supposed to get on with life thinking -laughably- that I am the one true love, when she could invest so many lies and so much time with another man??
Oh - and she initiated everything with him.

I am about fed up with everything. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on any human, EVER.

You cheaters out there - freakin quit it. Do the right thing, and leave.
 

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What a story. Your stbxw seems confused, childish and is an obvious liar, a bad one at that. Unfortunately, as you will see, the more you read on this website, the more you'll see that there are many like her, and there are many men like that guy you wrote about. We all have our stories here. I know what you mean about the whole pressing them for more and more information, and the stories change, and it's just a mess. We want more information and they give use these badly formed lies that don't even make sense. In the end, we all know it's best if we moved on, but for some reason stick around longer than need be. Some people say, that their spouse didn't leave them for someone else if they are currently with you, but the way I see it, on that moment when the cheating spouse cheated, they left us. Not just because technically, they were not with us, but because they really did go out and do things with other people, things that were supposed to be exclusively for us, if not what is the point of being married? They'll never answer the questions that truly matter, or tell us what we want to know, you can believe what they tell you, but their actions are always selfish and they will stop at nothing to protect themselves, not the marriage.
 

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What do you want? Do you want to reconcile with your wife? At the absolute minimum, you need to expose this affair to everyone you know - including her family. I hope you have proof of the affair.
 

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I don't get it. So now she lives in her own apartment, and other man can come over and screw her whenever they'd like? And she still works with him and can still have sex with him in her car that you pay for? And are you paying for their love nest, too? Or is she living with her mom?

You: "If I catch you lying again, we're done."

Her: "Remeber what I told you about what happened with me and POSOM? I lied."

Repeat SIX TIMES!

We know what happened because cheaters all follow a predictable script. Your wife was having sex with the other man all the time in your car. Now she is doing it in the apartment, unless she's at mom's, then probably it's still in the car.

Get a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the front seat of her car. You should have your evidence within a week.

In the meantime, have her handwrite a letter of apology to you.

Also, have her handwrite a letter to her family and friends explaining how she lied about you to them because of her affair.

Then, have her handwrite a no contact letter to the other man.

And she should give you all passwords and access to all accounts and communication devices, and not delete any messages or browsing history.
 

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You are letting her get away with the lies. Why should she confess more. Kick her out and file for divorce. I'm sure there were reasons other than kids that she left him. Maybe he did not want a cheating woman with kids to be his full time partner. Maybe he dumped her her because he has his own family and SO and your wife was nothing more than a casual fling. Or probably he thinks your wife is a good f*ck buddy but not a relationship material.
 

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She is a liar, she her self is a POS. She is gaslighting you. In few days she is going to say there was no A and all is in your head.

VAR in her car and get tested for STDs. Ask her to quit the job and Write an NC letter you read it and send to OM.
Expose to all of her family and friends to whom ever she made you a paranoid and jealous husband.

But why you want to be with Cheating, disrespectful and liar?
 

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Wow. Noooo, i mean W O W!!

She didn't say it in words but she screamed it in actions:
She would rather be with a limp-d1cked POS than with her husband, the father of her children.

She would rather try to suck life into the limp-organ of another dood than into her marriage.

Did I say WOW? Cause that's what I meant.
 

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Wow. Noooo, i mean W O W!!

She didn't say it in words but she screamed it in actions:
She would rather be with a limp-d1cked POS than with her husband, the father of her children.

She would rather try to suck life into the limp-organ of another dood than into her marriage.

Did I say WOW? Cause that's what I meant.
Thanks for the smile!! LOL
 

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Wow. Noooo, i mean W O W!!

She didn't say it in words but she screamed it in actions:
She would rather be with a limp-d1cked POS than with her husband, the father of her children.

She would rather try to suck life into the limp-organ of another dood than into her marriage.

Did I say WOW? Cause that's what I meant.
That's if you believe what the wife told him. Most likely the guy does not suffer from ED. That doesn't add up if she wants to be with the other guy so much.

OP, I think you have to file for divorce and see if that shakes her out of her fog. Most likely, you'll divorce in the end and she'll probably realize what she lost after she loses it. There's no remorse here and she's ready to write you off. I can't see any other way out of this aside from divorce. Sorry.
 

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She's lying through her teeth about all that ED crap. She's telling you just enough to try and hang to both of you. Classic cake eating.

I would tell her the only way that you will consider continuing this charade of a marriage is by taking and passing a polygraph test. Then watch how the story changes again....well, after she blows sky high.
 

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okay i came here about 8 months ago with similar issues....my ex was involved with a POS at her work and I did NOT believe the things they were telling me on this site.....I thought my ex was a good woman who turn a bad turn...a bad guy from work seduced her...expose...etc.
I thought if I was a good guy and begged her to come back things would change....everything I was told was true. One thing I did do (which I felt bad about at the time) was expose and that came back to pay handsomely in spades. My kids now respect me, my family, my friends, heres the kicker - her family and friends respect me. If I did not expose - it would not have been like that.
Now for your partner - I am going to say to you something that you may not like to hear but it is true....your wife is a liar. your wife is a manipulative b.... your wife is not who you think she is.....listen to Bruce Springsteen's Brilliant Disuguise over and over again until you get it. I had a hard time believing it myself but months away from it, I see it. There she is. She was always there doing manipulative little stuff behind my back and i let it go. Dismissed it until it bit me in the behind.
I know you are going through pain right now and I am sorry you are here but you will get through it.
I felt suicidal when it all came crashing down on me the only thing that kept me hanging on was \i was seeing a counsellor who kept saying "you will get through this" over and over again. I wanted my marriage back but now i see it was SO bad for me. She wasnt there - she was about her and I deserve someone who will be there for me...a great life lesson.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks for the responses everyone...
Yeah - if I am still finding out pieces of the affair up to two weeks ago, after her promising to tell me the truth, then she will never be willing to tell me the truth.. And me - the idiot - kept giving up more and more chances..

The only way I found out about the oral and the "ED" was when I told her I wanted a polygraph done.. And of course now I am supposed to believe it never went any further, which of course is a herculean task.

As far as exposure - I had called her father early on in the game, back when the affair was only a make out session.. She claims that she is taking full responsibility with this, and told her family.. I have no real way to verify this at all, and I am quite sure they have one of the very limited information versions of it..

She did quit her job, and has promised no contact..

But here is something I haven't told you guys yet .... When I found out who this guy was, I went completely FBI on his a$$. For a week straight, I poured over public records looking for some background on this guy... Well, it was an incredible success because I found out the Feds took him to court for tax evasion to the tune of $100k ... with a lien in place.. Also - he had claimed to have a license for a respectable trade, which was also a complete lie. The guy was a total fraud - and me exposing that to her made her reverse direction completely for him...
Not that that makes me feel any better.. Once I showed her the public records, he was almost instantly flipped from lover to enemy... or at least that is the impression I get. Lord knows what is really true.

...and still, I am reduced to the second choice..

I am also convinced something more happened before the night she moved out - because I recall very specifically, at one point, I went to my car, and the passenger seat was in a very, very odd position. It is weird - but it really is the collection of small things like that that end up adding into the larger picture..

Right now I need to figure out why I am having difficulty pulling away for good..
I think I am more scared to lose the 9 years of history..
I am worried about the kids...
I am worried that this will just happen again

And trust me - I am pretty sure that if this idiot limp d$ck was a better match for her, she would have been riding off into the sunset by now.

I know what the answer is..... Chop of my nuts and become a monk.. Those guys got it right.

Cheers.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Oh Will_Kane:
She is renting a room about 4-5 blocks from here.. I've been paying half or so since she quit her job and is looking for a new one..
 

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Oh, dear. She invested her energies -that should have been spent on her husband and children- in creating an affair with someone who, if what she says is true, is suffering from an erectile dysfunction that he sorta kinda forgot to mention to her.:rolleyes:

Along with the divorce papers may I suggest you send them a special peace offering? A length of dowelling (maybe 3 inches long?) and some medical tape so she can make a little crutch for him.:D
 

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DEMAND a poly and do NOT back down.
 
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And let her know plain and clear that passing a poly is no guarantee of your willingness to reconcile. It's just step 1 in helping you decide if you will even consider reconciliation.
 

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If you want a complete parallel to your story, read the first 90 pages of my thread. I will sum it up this way... I tried my darndest to get my wife to come back. 7 chances I gave her. All false R. She never wanted to come back, only wanted me to jump through hoops to get her to stay. F that.

Do I want her back? I love my old wife to death, this new one can kiss my a$$. It has been 4 months and I still feel like sh!t, but I am moving on with the D. She is moving on with a new OM, tonight as a matter of fact. Third date, so tonight she fvcks. I get to watch the kids chaste. (she still lives with me)

Save yourself 89 pages and pull the plug. But, make sure everyone knows. You are second best.
 

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Thanks for the responses everyone...
Yeah - if I am still finding out pieces of the affair up to two weeks ago, after her promising to tell me the truth, then she will never be willing to tell me the truth.. And me - the idiot - kept giving up more and more chances..

The only way I found out about the oral and the "ED" was when I told her I wanted a polygraph done.. And of course now I am supposed to believe it never went any further, which of course is a herculean task.

As far as exposure - I had called her father early on in the game, back when the affair was only a make out session.. She claims that she is taking full responsibility with this, and told her family.. I have no real way to verify this at all, and I am quite sure they have one of the very limited information versions of it..

She did quit her job, and has promised no contact..

But here is something I haven't told you guys yet .... When I found out who this guy was, I went completely FBI on his a$$. For a week straight, I poured over public records looking for some background on this guy... Well, it was an incredible success because I found out the Feds took him to court for tax evasion to the tune of $100k ... with a lien in place.. Also - he had claimed to have a license for a respectable trade, which was also a complete lie. The guy was a total fraud - and me exposing that to her made her reverse direction completely for him...
Not that that makes me feel any better.. Once I showed her the public records, he was almost instantly flipped from lover to enemy... or at least that is the impression I get. Lord knows what is really true.

...and still, I am reduced to the second choice..

I am also convinced something more happened before the night she moved out - because I recall very specifically, at one point, I went to my car, and the passenger seat was in a very, very odd position. It is weird - but it really is the collection of small things like that that end up adding into the larger picture..

Right now I need to figure out why I am having difficulty pulling away for good..
I think I am more scared to lose the 9 years of history..
I am worried about the kids...
I am worried that this will just happen again


And trust me - I am pretty sure that if this idiot limp d$ck was a better match for her, she would have been riding off into the sunset by now.

I know what the answer is..... Chop of my nuts and become a monk.. Those guys got it right.

Cheers.
Dear Brianonymous,

You're getting good advice here and I don't have a lot to add, but maybe I can help by giving you a slightly different perspective based on my having following hundreds of similar threads on TAM.

Basically, there are two types of cheaters: (1) those who upon getting caught own up to what they've done, are truly sorry and are prepared to do whatever it takes to save their marriages and (2) those who continue to lie, have no remorse and seem to delight in making their BSs miserable. Clearly, your WW falls into category 2.

Given this, you really only have two choices: (1) continue to put up with her sh*t, hoping that eventually and somehow she will change from being the b*tch she is into the angel you want her to be (of course, she won't) or (2) face up to the reality that your life and the lives of your children will be h*ll as long as you stay with her.

It's perfectly normal to have fears about ending a marriage, even one as bad as yours. But they are only fears. As to your first fear, better to "lose the 9 years of history" than be miserable for the rest of your life. As to your second fear, do you really think your kids are going to have a normal life in the kind of home you and your crazy WW will create for them? As to your third fear, you're d*mn right it will happen again, so that is no reason to stay married.

The truth is that you don't have a good choice. You have to pick the lessor of two evils -- stay in a crappy marriage with a woman who doesn't deserve you or end the marriage and start looking for a woman who does.

Best of luck.


P.S.: I like your sense of humor. Hang on to it, it will help you get through this better than alcohol or any drug that a shrink could prescribe for you.
 

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So she want you to believe that this guy spent 8 months and allhe got was kissing, groping and one time oral??? Thats alot of effort with so little in return!:scratchhead:

Seeing how you have some good on the OM why not approach him with the evidence about not having the needed license he claims he had for his trade! And say either tell me the truth about what you did or I show this to your bosses? Worth a try!!
 
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