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244 Posts
I'm not sure what I am looking for here. I've been reading many posts for the last few days. I need a place to dump. I probably need to go to a councilor or I might be able to gut it out. I just need a safe to get it all out and I think I've found it. I know that some of this divorce is my fault and I do want to learn from it.
I see a lot of abbreviations and I haven't figured them all out yet so bear with me as I type them all out or if you see one, please point it out to me.
I was married back in 2007. I was with her since 2004. I am in my early 40's. She is almost 10 years younger then me. I was thought I was careful in determining that she did want to have kids because she said she did before we got engaged. She said that she could finish her degree, have a baby and work. After we were first married I told her I would prefer her to stay home and raise babies. She was outraged with this and for the longest time she said that that assumption is what shut her down for her emotionally connecting to me.
We went to marriage councilling. I recanted my statement and told her that I was ok with her working and going to school but if she choose to she could stay home and raise children. She haunted me with the first original opinion after we we're married as her reason for her not communicating what she needed to me. I was accussed and probably was abusive as she calls it. I did say words like "your being sensitive". I recanted and apologized that it hurt her for years.
After 5 years of still hearing she was not getting over this and it was still an issue of her not opening up to me I finally told her to get over it. Councilling failed for both of us when we first went. I was trying to communicate to her to how she would understand it. Eventually we gave up on it because she would get frustrated. She was a touchy person she loves to be rubbed. I am not like that at all. I told her she needs to tell me what she needs. She rarely did and was disappointed sometimes when I did as she requested. She wanted me to just know what she wanted without actually telling me.
Back about the same time she was getting hung up on the staying home and raising babies she told me she didn't want to have kids. I argued saying that was a deal a breaker and I wouldn't have married her if that was her opinion. She said and we agreed to keep being married and I hoped that she would change her mind about children. She blamed that change on me telling her that I wanted her to stay home and raise babies. After councilling we stayed together and I was happy and I thought she was too and least she said she was. I thought the councilling did help but looking back she would shut down when the councilor asked her questions. I also gave up on having kids and went along with not having them. I would agree with her when she would give reasons not to have them but in my heart I always did. I thought she would change her mind and I didnt want to fight about it anymore.
2 or 3 years later I lost my job. The good money making days were over and after talking with her she was ok with me changing careers. I then started traveling and wasnt home but 4 days a month. During this time she did have a good paying job but with the loss in my salary during this first year we were still falling short on bills. We fell behind on the mortgage. After I gained experienced in my field I found a job that would get me home everynight. I was finally going to make almost much as I was making prior to my job loss. Around the same time she got her degree. She left her better paying job for a lowering paying but it was in her field of study and I fully supported it. I was happy for her because she was really unhappy at her other job. Her job paid for her degree so she stayed until it was completed. I still thought we were ok. Things were hard. Money was tight but I knew it was just a matter before I did find a job that got me home everynight and paid well.
After I found the job that paid well and got me home. Our beloved pet died and I really bonded with her a lot. We cried for weeks. She also told me she was starting a business with another man she knew from work.
I was skeptical from the begining. I didnt know him. She said he was married. I looked them both up on face book and they didn't look married. I told my wife about my suspicions. He was 47 she was 25. Married people on facebook have happy pictures, kids etc. I did have access to his page and her page we became friends on facebook so I saw it all. There was nothing there indicating a marriage. I told her it was a really bad idea and she started the business anyway. I told her I thought he was creepy. I told her I was afraid I would never see her. For the next 6 months I barely saw her. She was there with him building this business. She was also working full time as her real job and this was just a part time deal. Needless to say I never saw her. We did catch each other periodically and occassionally we would have sex. Our sex life was way out of whack. At some point we only did it once a month.
I was copying a document from my email on her computer and her email opened up. I saw a copy of her txts to him and various emails. They described a six month relationship which showed me there was an emotional affair at the minimum going on. I told her she needs to leave him and their business. She claims that you don't make any money when you start a new business, so it wasnt making any money. She said she was sorry and she looked and acted like it. She postponed her going there for 2 weeks. She never agreed to leaving him or their business. She became demanding and was mad at me. She admitted she was in love with him but they were just friends now because he was unemotionally available. I believed it. I told her that maybe now would the time to split up. She has had an affair and she doesnt want to have kids. I gave her the option to get out and she didnt. I then really started to press the kids thing. I was desperate.
I told her even if we dont work things out at least I would have child. I was hoping that we would reconnect and get past this and finally have child. Finally after catering to what she wanted and not committing to anything I was asking I told I was fed up and if she didn't have an answer that I was filling for divorce the next business day. I gave her a dead line. She came home that night and told me she did want to have kids someday. The way she phrased it or the way I interrpeted it was that it was with me.
Later she got angry and said the real reason she doesnt want have kids is because she was afraid I would treat them like I treat her. Again I sucked it up and cooked dinner for her did as she asked and she went back to her business the entire weekend. I knew I was being played. I eventually hacked her security on her phone when she was asleep. My heart has never beated that fast unless I was physically active. She had been telling him everything. A play by play of our problems. A date broken with him because I had to stay which followed with "Ill still have time to sneak out and see you", dinner dates etc. etc. It was clearly a relationship more then business. Some of it was business but it was mostly him being cute and her responding in kind. I went in and woke her up and told her we were done. She went downstairs and slept in the other room.
Next, I blasted it on Facebook. I gave all names and details everyone, family included saw it. I called her dad. I made it a full blown front line family news story. Its clearly over now. I got a lawyer a couple of weeks ago and he's been handling everything.
I still want to have kids. Im just pissed because I wasted 10 years with her and now I have to start over finding someone to do that with and Im not sure if shes out there. I want a women that doesn't have children already and its a pretty sparse market when your over 40 looking for someone say 35. I know I wont be ready to date for another year or so. I peaked at a dating service and it was bleak. lol It did give me a little reassurance that it could happen. Anyways thanks for reading.
I see a lot of abbreviations and I haven't figured them all out yet so bear with me as I type them all out or if you see one, please point it out to me.
I was married back in 2007. I was with her since 2004. I am in my early 40's. She is almost 10 years younger then me. I was thought I was careful in determining that she did want to have kids because she said she did before we got engaged. She said that she could finish her degree, have a baby and work. After we were first married I told her I would prefer her to stay home and raise babies. She was outraged with this and for the longest time she said that that assumption is what shut her down for her emotionally connecting to me.
We went to marriage councilling. I recanted my statement and told her that I was ok with her working and going to school but if she choose to she could stay home and raise children. She haunted me with the first original opinion after we we're married as her reason for her not communicating what she needed to me. I was accussed and probably was abusive as she calls it. I did say words like "your being sensitive". I recanted and apologized that it hurt her for years.
After 5 years of still hearing she was not getting over this and it was still an issue of her not opening up to me I finally told her to get over it. Councilling failed for both of us when we first went. I was trying to communicate to her to how she would understand it. Eventually we gave up on it because she would get frustrated. She was a touchy person she loves to be rubbed. I am not like that at all. I told her she needs to tell me what she needs. She rarely did and was disappointed sometimes when I did as she requested. She wanted me to just know what she wanted without actually telling me.
Back about the same time she was getting hung up on the staying home and raising babies she told me she didn't want to have kids. I argued saying that was a deal a breaker and I wouldn't have married her if that was her opinion. She said and we agreed to keep being married and I hoped that she would change her mind about children. She blamed that change on me telling her that I wanted her to stay home and raise babies. After councilling we stayed together and I was happy and I thought she was too and least she said she was. I thought the councilling did help but looking back she would shut down when the councilor asked her questions. I also gave up on having kids and went along with not having them. I would agree with her when she would give reasons not to have them but in my heart I always did. I thought she would change her mind and I didnt want to fight about it anymore.
2 or 3 years later I lost my job. The good money making days were over and after talking with her she was ok with me changing careers. I then started traveling and wasnt home but 4 days a month. During this time she did have a good paying job but with the loss in my salary during this first year we were still falling short on bills. We fell behind on the mortgage. After I gained experienced in my field I found a job that would get me home everynight. I was finally going to make almost much as I was making prior to my job loss. Around the same time she got her degree. She left her better paying job for a lowering paying but it was in her field of study and I fully supported it. I was happy for her because she was really unhappy at her other job. Her job paid for her degree so she stayed until it was completed. I still thought we were ok. Things were hard. Money was tight but I knew it was just a matter before I did find a job that got me home everynight and paid well.
After I found the job that paid well and got me home. Our beloved pet died and I really bonded with her a lot. We cried for weeks. She also told me she was starting a business with another man she knew from work.
I was skeptical from the begining. I didnt know him. She said he was married. I looked them both up on face book and they didn't look married. I told my wife about my suspicions. He was 47 she was 25. Married people on facebook have happy pictures, kids etc. I did have access to his page and her page we became friends on facebook so I saw it all. There was nothing there indicating a marriage. I told her it was a really bad idea and she started the business anyway. I told her I thought he was creepy. I told her I was afraid I would never see her. For the next 6 months I barely saw her. She was there with him building this business. She was also working full time as her real job and this was just a part time deal. Needless to say I never saw her. We did catch each other periodically and occassionally we would have sex. Our sex life was way out of whack. At some point we only did it once a month.
I was copying a document from my email on her computer and her email opened up. I saw a copy of her txts to him and various emails. They described a six month relationship which showed me there was an emotional affair at the minimum going on. I told her she needs to leave him and their business. She claims that you don't make any money when you start a new business, so it wasnt making any money. She said she was sorry and she looked and acted like it. She postponed her going there for 2 weeks. She never agreed to leaving him or their business. She became demanding and was mad at me. She admitted she was in love with him but they were just friends now because he was unemotionally available. I believed it. I told her that maybe now would the time to split up. She has had an affair and she doesnt want to have kids. I gave her the option to get out and she didnt. I then really started to press the kids thing. I was desperate.
I told her even if we dont work things out at least I would have child. I was hoping that we would reconnect and get past this and finally have child. Finally after catering to what she wanted and not committing to anything I was asking I told I was fed up and if she didn't have an answer that I was filling for divorce the next business day. I gave her a dead line. She came home that night and told me she did want to have kids someday. The way she phrased it or the way I interrpeted it was that it was with me.
Later she got angry and said the real reason she doesnt want have kids is because she was afraid I would treat them like I treat her. Again I sucked it up and cooked dinner for her did as she asked and she went back to her business the entire weekend. I knew I was being played. I eventually hacked her security on her phone when she was asleep. My heart has never beated that fast unless I was physically active. She had been telling him everything. A play by play of our problems. A date broken with him because I had to stay which followed with "Ill still have time to sneak out and see you", dinner dates etc. etc. It was clearly a relationship more then business. Some of it was business but it was mostly him being cute and her responding in kind. I went in and woke her up and told her we were done. She went downstairs and slept in the other room.
Next, I blasted it on Facebook. I gave all names and details everyone, family included saw it. I called her dad. I made it a full blown front line family news story. Its clearly over now. I got a lawyer a couple of weeks ago and he's been handling everything.
I still want to have kids. Im just pissed because I wasted 10 years with her and now I have to start over finding someone to do that with and Im not sure if shes out there. I want a women that doesn't have children already and its a pretty sparse market when your over 40 looking for someone say 35. I know I wont be ready to date for another year or so. I peaked at a dating service and it was bleak. lol It did give me a little reassurance that it could happen. Anyways thanks for reading.
