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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm not sure what I am looking for here. I've been reading many posts for the last few days. I need a place to dump. I probably need to go to a councilor or I might be able to gut it out. I just need a safe to get it all out and I think I've found it. I know that some of this divorce is my fault and I do want to learn from it.
I see a lot of abbreviations and I haven't figured them all out yet so bear with me as I type them all out or if you see one, please point it out to me.

I was married back in 2007. I was with her since 2004. I am in my early 40's. She is almost 10 years younger then me. I was thought I was careful in determining that she did want to have kids because she said she did before we got engaged. She said that she could finish her degree, have a baby and work. After we were first married I told her I would prefer her to stay home and raise babies. She was outraged with this and for the longest time she said that that assumption is what shut her down for her emotionally connecting to me.

We went to marriage councilling. I recanted my statement and told her that I was ok with her working and going to school but if she choose to she could stay home and raise children. She haunted me with the first original opinion after we we're married as her reason for her not communicating what she needed to me. I was accussed and probably was abusive as she calls it. I did say words like "your being sensitive". I recanted and apologized that it hurt her for years.

After 5 years of still hearing she was not getting over this and it was still an issue of her not opening up to me I finally told her to get over it. Councilling failed for both of us when we first went. I was trying to communicate to her to how she would understand it. Eventually we gave up on it because she would get frustrated. She was a touchy person she loves to be rubbed. I am not like that at all. I told her she needs to tell me what she needs. She rarely did and was disappointed sometimes when I did as she requested. She wanted me to just know what she wanted without actually telling me.
Back about the same time she was getting hung up on the staying home and raising babies she told me she didn't want to have kids. I argued saying that was a deal a breaker and I wouldn't have married her if that was her opinion. She said and we agreed to keep being married and I hoped that she would change her mind about children. She blamed that change on me telling her that I wanted her to stay home and raise babies. After councilling we stayed together and I was happy and I thought she was too and least she said she was. I thought the councilling did help but looking back she would shut down when the councilor asked her questions. I also gave up on having kids and went along with not having them. I would agree with her when she would give reasons not to have them but in my heart I always did. I thought she would change her mind and I didnt want to fight about it anymore.

2 or 3 years later I lost my job. The good money making days were over and after talking with her she was ok with me changing careers. I then started traveling and wasnt home but 4 days a month. During this time she did have a good paying job but with the loss in my salary during this first year we were still falling short on bills. We fell behind on the mortgage. After I gained experienced in my field I found a job that would get me home everynight. I was finally going to make almost much as I was making prior to my job loss. Around the same time she got her degree. She left her better paying job for a lowering paying but it was in her field of study and I fully supported it. I was happy for her because she was really unhappy at her other job. Her job paid for her degree so she stayed until it was completed. I still thought we were ok. Things were hard. Money was tight but I knew it was just a matter before I did find a job that got me home everynight and paid well.

After I found the job that paid well and got me home. Our beloved pet died and I really bonded with her a lot. We cried for weeks. She also told me she was starting a business with another man she knew from work.

I was skeptical from the begining. I didnt know him. She said he was married. I looked them both up on face book and they didn't look married. I told my wife about my suspicions. He was 47 she was 25. Married people on facebook have happy pictures, kids etc. I did have access to his page and her page we became friends on facebook so I saw it all. There was nothing there indicating a marriage. I told her it was a really bad idea and she started the business anyway. I told her I thought he was creepy. I told her I was afraid I would never see her. For the next 6 months I barely saw her. She was there with him building this business. She was also working full time as her real job and this was just a part time deal. Needless to say I never saw her. We did catch each other periodically and occassionally we would have sex. Our sex life was way out of whack. At some point we only did it once a month.

I was copying a document from my email on her computer and her email opened up. I saw a copy of her txts to him and various emails. They described a six month relationship which showed me there was an emotional affair at the minimum going on. I told her she needs to leave him and their business. She claims that you don't make any money when you start a new business, so it wasnt making any money. She said she was sorry and she looked and acted like it. She postponed her going there for 2 weeks. She never agreed to leaving him or their business. She became demanding and was mad at me. She admitted she was in love with him but they were just friends now because he was unemotionally available. I believed it. I told her that maybe now would the time to split up. She has had an affair and she doesnt want to have kids. I gave her the option to get out and she didnt. I then really started to press the kids thing. I was desperate.

I told her even if we dont work things out at least I would have child. I was hoping that we would reconnect and get past this and finally have child. Finally after catering to what she wanted and not committing to anything I was asking I told I was fed up and if she didn't have an answer that I was filling for divorce the next business day. I gave her a dead line. She came home that night and told me she did want to have kids someday. The way she phrased it or the way I interrpeted it was that it was with me.

Later she got angry and said the real reason she doesnt want have kids is because she was afraid I would treat them like I treat her. Again I sucked it up and cooked dinner for her did as she asked and she went back to her business the entire weekend. I knew I was being played. I eventually hacked her security on her phone when she was asleep. My heart has never beated that fast unless I was physically active. She had been telling him everything. A play by play of our problems. A date broken with him because I had to stay which followed with "Ill still have time to sneak out and see you", dinner dates etc. etc. It was clearly a relationship more then business. Some of it was business but it was mostly him being cute and her responding in kind. I went in and woke her up and told her we were done. She went downstairs and slept in the other room.

Next, I blasted it on Facebook. I gave all names and details everyone, family included saw it. I called her dad. I made it a full blown front line family news story. Its clearly over now. I got a lawyer a couple of weeks ago and he's been handling everything.

I still want to have kids. Im just pissed because I wasted 10 years with her and now I have to start over finding someone to do that with and Im not sure if shes out there. I want a women that doesn't have children already and its a pretty sparse market when your over 40 looking for someone say 35. I know I wont be ready to date for another year or so. I peaked at a dating service and it was bleak. lol It did give me a little reassurance that it could happen. Anyways thanks for reading.
 

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Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
I've cried for maybe 2 minutes over this whole affair. Is there something wrong with me? I catch myself giggling over some of the posts when they rant about their ex's because it's exactly how I feel. I feel nutz. I'm angry. I didnt sleep for a day after I saw her txts to him. I'm so angry! I need a punching bag. I want to beat the crap of him! I want to yell at her! For entire day my mind replayed our conversations over and over and over and it always ended with profanity. This will pass but it sure sucks balls right now. She took my dog too! Im getting the dog back!
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Just thought I would update. Apparently my thread is either really boring and too common or I have done everything right because nobody responded to it. I was disappointed nobody said anything. She never gave me a answer of her leaving him and her business with him. I set up a appt for a mc. She showed and said she wasn't going to leave the business and him. That's when I knew it was over. She said that she wanted respect while in the meeting with the mc. I generally respect people if they are respectful. Cheating and decieving spouses are not respectful. She said that she has "artists on consignment" that depend on her for selling their art and thats why she can't leave. No, she might make 20 bucks a weekend and she gets her store for free because she's runs the entire mall basically by herself, while he does all the "construction". In their txts that I read, he said he couldnt run the place without her and I believe it. I just wish she would have put that same energy into our marriage. I just don't think she liked being married and know she didnt want kids. I should have left the day after she told she didn't want kids.
How come marriage councillors insist on not addressing my issue with her changing her mind about having kids and keep trying to get us to focus on something we have in common first and then eventually work our way back up to wanting to have children? I am getting to old to play lets find out if we want to have kids. I felt sorry for the marriage councilor. I think she could see it as plain as I see it now. She asked her 3 or 4 times if she would leave him and she said no. The MC talked to us individually too and Im sure she asked her again. I'm not dumb enough to stay married to her while shes still talking to him regularly. I am hurt that she choose him and that place over me.
Right now, all I do is think about her. She left to god knows where. I have most of the bills in my name now. Divorce is filed but no one has been served. I can't get off of the couch. There are things that need to be done and I am not doing them. I catch myself snooping in her belongings. She took the bare minimum to wherever she went. Its all still here in our house. After the mc we haven't talked at all. At my request she hasn't been her in 2 weeks now. I pray to let go and forgive her and it works for awile. Then I get angry again. I hope it ends soon. I hate feeling like this.
 

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I don't have much for advice, but your post is now being seen. Try to do thing for yourself to to take your mind off her. Get off the couch and get out a little. Try to get some exercise or meet up with some friends. Some helpful people will reply to your post soon. Take care
 

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Sorry you are in this boat and that your initial post was ignored. You are right to have been concerned about your wife's business partner and the wavering views on children with which she used to manipulate you. I agree with jitterbug; take care of yourself in order to take your mind off of her. It is obvious she didn't put your feelings and the relationship high up on the list of priorities. Work on bettering yourself and consider individual counseling too.
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She asked her 3 or 4 times if she would leave him and she said no. The MC talked to us individually too and Im sure she asked her again. I'm not dumb enough to stay married to her while shes still talking to him regularly. I am hurt that she choose him and that place over me.
you did the right thing, how much is too much?, to be honest with you, just the fact that she keep postponing and lying about the kids issue was more than enough to divorce.

Now, she openly admits that is in love with another guy and she will not stop seeing him, puff you are a saint for the way you reacted. BTW I bet that their relationship is also physically, withholding sex is a characteristic of having a physical relationship with other man.

you should follow the 180 guide to detach from her as fast as possible and give you a chance to move on.
 

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Sorry for what your going through Gonnabealright.Many years since I was divorced from my WS,but I remember all the turmoil with emotions.Anger in a way kind of fueled my determination to keep moving forward and away from that limbo of 'maybe she will if only' and all the whys and second guessing.Don't get me wrong,there were still the highs and lows with my emotions but they really did diminish over time,a great healer.Anyway my friend I really wish I had more to offer and I hope things work out for you sooner rather than later.Take care.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
question, how was her parents reaction when you told them everything? did they support you?
Her Dad said he was ashamed of her. WS's mother, had an affair on him and left. His new wife, not WS mother sent me a fb message that said they knew I was a good guy and they love me. I think they support me but its his daughter and blood is generally thicker water. I'm sure I made this upcoming Thanksgiving a very uncomfortable place for her if she even goes.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
you did the right thing, how much is too much?, to be honest with you, just the fact that she keep postponing and lying about the kids issue was more than enough to divorce.

Now, she openly admits that is in love with another guy and she will not stop seeing him, puff you are a saint for the way you reacted. BTW I bet that their relationship is also physically, withholding sex is a characteristic of having a physical relationship with other man.

you should follow the 180 guide to detach from her as fast as possible and give you a chance to move on.
I am. after the mc, I told her she's not to stop by anymore unannounced and to take her plants and rats and she did. We haven't spoken in a couple of weeks now. I'm almost sure it was physical too. I lost interested myself. Sex became recreational after she told me she didn't want kids. I still needed it but not as much. I was ok with once a week and during the time I believe they were seeing each other she did completely cut me off for months at a time. I did have myself checked out for STD's and I'm clean.
 

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Sorry to hear about your turmoil Gonnabealright. I agree with others here follow the 180, focus on yourself, it will get easier with time.

Don't be upset that you don't have children with your W, be thankful. After all, would you really want to be going through a separation and divorce with kids in the middle of it all.

It's perfectly natural to be upset about the affair, I just recently discovered that my H had one as well, he is still lying about it, not sure why since we are more than done. Needless to say it has set me back a month or two. Couldn't get off the couch on Saturday, kept replaying the conversations in my head, which only make me more and more angry.

I would suggest therapy if you can, even if just for a bit.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
What do I do with all her stuff? She hardly took anything to where ever she went. I think I should take wedding pictures down and put her stuff in another room. When I see her stuff I dwell on it.
 

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Yes yes, hide her stuff. You can put it in another room, or give her a short period of time to get it, then dispose. If you want to be nice you could put it in storage, but get it out of sight. Their stuff causes awful triggers.
Also consider re-arranging the furniture, paint something, do some sort of home project to make it newly yours, separate from her. That seems to help, too.
Sorry you're here.
 

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Sorry You are here as for your question about her stuff I would bag it up or box it up and move it to a mini warehouse and pay for 1 month of rental, then let her know where her stuff is and that she has x number of days to get it. Start taking care of yourself maybe start doing a old hobby or a new one start exercising go to a gym etc anything along these lines will help you deal with stress and anger.

Good Luck
 

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remamber to apply 180 to detach for her, also excercise yourself, endorphins helps to cope a little with the depression, you should find a hobby or something to get you distracted, alos find a support group (friends, family) they will help you in the lowest moments.
 

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I am sorry about what you are going through, GonnaB. I, too, am going through the same thing, although mine still denied there is an affair. It doesn't matter, the end result is the same. I think they just do that so that they don't have to admit to what horrible people they really are.
I agree with all of the advice here: exercise regularly - the best revenge is being happy and better looking without her. Get rid of all of the ghosts of her in the house, at least get them out of sight.
I just created an account yesterday, so I was unable to post before. Just know that you are not alone and it, and reading posts here, seems to help with the roller coaster of emotions. Anger, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Sadness, Depression, Genuinely not giving a Flyin' F, short moment of almost happiness, Anger, Sadness, etc ad nauseum - you get the idea.
Good luck, brother.
 
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