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Hi everyone, new to this site and never asked anyone for advice before but I’ll give you a quick introduction to me and my wife. We are both 26 married 3 years and together 11 with 2 children. Are sex life used to be great before kids and after kids the sex has stopped to about once a month or so. That’s not the issue as that’s just life after kids haha the issue is my wife had started her Job about 1 year ago and has got really close to this girl who just happens to be a swinger with her male partner. A few months ago she started to change and would say that she missed out on sexual adventures because we got together so young and stuff, which I understand but I looked through her phone ( I know bad move) and she was searching stuff like “ I love my husband and want to sleep with other people” or “is my husband bad in bed” which really hurt. Anyway she always goes on about sleeping with this girl and that’s she wants it to be her “bit on the side” among other things and I feel like it’s my fault. how do I deal with this and make her happy? It’s really affecting me and don’t really know what to do about the situation. We have talked so much about this but nothing comes of it. We joined a swingers site to have a 3some with another girl, this was for her and for me not to touch the other girl. A few weeks ago she told me that was was over it and didn’t want to do anything with anyone and it was a relief and a bit confusing to me. Now she is going back to the idea of sleeping with someone else. The only thing that’s different is her going back to work after not working for a while and being with this girl. She has always been influenced by her friends mainly new ones and then they will fall out and then history repeats itself. Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks
 

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Unless you want to pursue swinging WITH your wife, then I'd talk to her about what you think and want for your marriage. You can tell her that it's not acceptable to you any longer and she needs to make a choice to be monogamous with you, or single. You could also pursue the swinging, but with the agreement that you will be participating as well if you do (if you so choose). If she's not interested in other men (e.g., swinging with another couple with a bi female), then she needs to find an acceptable bi woman who is willing to play with both of you.

We've been swingers for many years, but mostly with couples (no bi interests for either of us), although many of the women are bi/curious but don't always have to pursue that.
 

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I would not encourage any third party to enter your marriage. While some people can swing most do not navigate this well.

You should put your foot down and tell her if she wants to sleep with other people then you two need to divorce so that she can sew her wild oats.

If you are worried about not being a great lover that too can be fixed.
 

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Hi everyone, new to this site and never asked anyone for advice before but I’ll give you a quick introduction to me and my wife. We are both 26 married 3 years and together 11 with 2 children. Are sex life used to be great before kids and after kids the sex has stopped to about once a month or so. That’s not the issue as that’s just life after kids haha the issue is my wife had started her Job about 1 year ago and has got really close to this girl who just happens to be a swinger with her male partner. A few months ago she started to change and would say that she missed out on sexual adventures because we got together so young and stuff, which I understand but I looked through her phone ( I know bad move) and she was searching stuff like “ I love my husband and want to sleep with other people” or “is my husband bad in bed” which really hurt. Anyway she always goes on about sleeping with this girl and that’s she wants it to be her “bit on the side” among other things and I feel like it’s my fault. how do I deal with this and make her happy? It’s really affecting me and don’t really know what to do about the situation. We have talked so much about this but nothing comes of it. We joined a swingers site to have a 3some with another girl, this was for her and for me not to touch the other girl. A few weeks ago she told me that was was over it and didn’t want to do anything with anyone and it was a relief and a bit confusing to me. Now she is going back to the idea of sleeping with someone else. The only thing that’s different is her going back to work after not working for a while and being with this girl. She has always been influenced by her friends mainly new ones and then they will fall out and then history repeats itself. Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks
1) you need to set boundaries that don't include you being a door mat.
2) You want to make her happy? Giver her a divorce so she can be single.
3) You need to get to a doctor and get yourself checked to be safe - get a fully battery done.
4) I would suggest IC for you, one that specializes in infidelity
 

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Thank you for your replies, we only looked into the swinging because my wife basically wants this relationship with this woman but I don’t want to be left out if it was up to me this would of never happened. After 10 good years she wants someone els after working with them for a short period of time. She can’t understand why I can’t except it because the other person is female. What if she’s falling in love with this woman. When is it time to call it quits
 

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1) you need to set boundaries that don't include you being a door mat.
2) You want to make her happy? Giver her a divorce so she can be single.
3) You need to get to a doctor and get yourself checked to be safe - get a fully battery done.
4) I would suggest IC for you, one that specializes in infidelity
Do You think she is the problem?
 

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I would not encourage any third party to enter your marriage. While some people can swing most do not navigate this well.

You should put your foot down and tell her if she wants to sleep with other people then you two need to divorce so that she can sew her wild oats.

If you are worried about not being a great lover that too can be fixed.
Thanks for the reply, it seems like it’s going that way. I’m wouldn’t call myself a bad lover I just think she gets so ingrained in new friendships that she wants what they want and plays herself into thinking they’d things like calling my bad in bed
 

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Well is this something you are actually interested in? If not the sooner it is nipped in the bud the better.

At the same time do some self reflection. Most marriages can fall into bad habits over time. Are you two spending enough time together? Have you (both of you) done anything to strengthen your marriage? Do you read or participate in any relationship building activities?

Do you need to become a better lover? Have you improved over time or become lazy and complicit?
I would think you have some resentment over her fascination with this woman. Have you expressed your hurt feelings or are you afraid to show them?

Would you rather be in a 3 way relationship than none at all? Do you really think she'd choose this new exciting woman over you and your kids?

And yes sex can slow down after kids because of life but maybe you need to also revisit this.
 

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I would tell her that some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies and if she really “needs” to explore sleeping with other people she’ll be doing it as a divorced woman. End.of.story. If she balks, ask her how she’d feel if you started sleeping with someone else to catch up on what you’ve missed out on by being with her from such a young age.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex-husband denied his homosexuality for our entire 23 year marriage. He tried to explore that side of himself on the down low. Thankfully my STD tests were negative. The only saving grace in your situation is that she’s been open about it.

If she really thinks she is a lesbian, let her go. It will hurt like hell at first but once you heal enough to find someone else you’ll be amazed at the difference. I should have left my ex at the first sign of his inclinations.

Also, visit straightspouse.org for more support.

hugs
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Well is this something you are actually interested in? If not the sooner it is nipped in the bud the better.

At the same time do some self reflection. Most marriages can fall into bad habits over time. Are you two spending enough time together? Have you (both of you) done anything to strengthen your marriage? Do you read or participate in any relationship building activities?

Do you need to become a better lover? Have you improved over time or become lazy and complicit?
I would think you have some resentment over her fascination with this woman. Have you expressed your hurt feelings or are you afraid to show them?

Would you rather be in a 3 way relationship than none at all? Do you really think she'd choose this new exciting woman over you and your kids?

And yes sex can slow down after kids because of life but maybe you need to also revisit this.
Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.
 

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I would tell her that some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies and if she really “needs” to explore sleeping with other people she’ll be doing it as a divorced woman. End.of.story. If she balks, ask her how she’d feel if you started sleeping with someone else to catch up on what you’ve missed out on by being with her from such a young age.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex-husband denied his homosexuality for our entire 23 year marriage. He tried to explore that side of himself on the down low. Thankfully my STD tests were negative. The only saving grace in your situation is that she’s been open about it.

If she really thinks she is a lesbian, let her go. It will hurt like hell at first but once you heal enough to find someone else you’ll be amazed at the difference. I should have left my ex at the first sign of his inclinations.

Also, visit straightspouse.org for more support.

hugs
Thank you for your reply, she’s a great woman I just feel she makes bad decisions based on other people. I remember before the kids she had this friend and all of a sudden she loved going out and getting drunk but from nothing to going out all the time. She went out on Christmas Eve and was hungover on Christmas Day all because she changed her personality for this new friend, after that friendship fell apart she was back to normal.
 

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Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.
Ok that isn't quite what I asked. Going along with her against your own desires isn't necessarily marriage building.

Sure if she wants blue paint and you like green but don't really care then you go along.

But I'm talking about actually exploring each other and doing activities which have been shown to be bonding.
There is a whole great big section of marriage books out there. I like The 5 Love Languages, Divorce Busting which I haven't read but has great reviews. I mean if you are interested in your marriage shouldn't you spend some times once a year or so making it stronger on purpose at least more time than most people spend on their phones?

It isn't up to you to stop her or let her. IT is up to you to set your boundaries. I have a boundary that if my spouse wants to sleep with others they will have to do that without my permission or divorce me first.

It seems your wife is taking on the personality traits of people she befriends except now she wants to sleep with those friends. This seems like an emotional affairs that she wants to take further. How does she know the other woman wants to sleep with her? These types of conversations also would be past my boundary. My husband isn't allowed to have conversations with women about sleeping with them or them wanting to sleep with him. You see those are intimate conversations and one of my boundaries is inappropriate conversations with people of the opposite sex. Now in your case it isn't opposite sex but it doesn't matter because they are expressing sexual interest in each other.

I think NotMyJamie maybe onto something with this homosexual thing.

But hey maybe she isn't a lesbian just bi. Doesn't matter lesbian, bi, straight. When you get married unless specifically stated before and agreed to before marriage it is assumed that married people will be monogamous.
 

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Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.
I think what folks are saying is STOP going along with her ideas on this if it is against what YOU want.
IF she really feels that strongly about having a relationship with another woman, then she should do that as a SINGLE woman, not married to you. YOU did not cause her to do this. YOU being a "bad lover" didn't cause her to do this.
If she is a lesbian, or bi, you don't have the equipment to deal with that and you could NEVER fulfill her desires for that.
In reality, she is MARRIED and took and oath to YOU, not you and anyone else she wanted to bring in to the marriage.

IF she REALLY wants this, and you REALLY don't want to defend your own boundaries, then tell her "OK, if you are going to have sex with this other woman, then I am going to look for someone else to have sex with also"
I BET she won't like that idea at ALL.

"It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom."
You can't do both. YOU need to do what is right for YOU in the marriage, not bow down to her every whim. Sounds like she is pretty immature, which isn't good for a mother. Also, what type of example is she setting for the kids (and YOU for allowing this?)?
 

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I've dated a woman who was bi, and sounds similar in description to your wife.

If I may be blunt, it is a mind **** navigating what you describe. She seems like she 'wants you to put your foot down, but also give her her freedom'... Uh, no!

A mother of 2 that has that mindset is concerning to say the least. YOU will need to be the 'grown up' here and say NO if deep down you do not like where this has gone, or is heading.

If her personality is what I may suspect, she will respond to authority and boundaries in a way which makes you the navigator of the 'ship' (because it seems she may not be capable to fill that role), or, she will flake out and 'abandon ship'.

Sorry for all the nautical references, seems to be a fall back when describing relationships....

As others have said, unless you agreed to her 'exploring prior to getting married', then she either does not do so, or does it as a divorced woman. Doesn't matter whether it's a man, woman, or bloody goat, if she vowed to be married to you then 'forsaking all others' was what she agreed to when she put that ring on.
 

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I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy.Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.
I imagine it's an odd situation for her, too. You go along initially and she thinks everything is fine. She adapts to the perceived situation, makes decisions, makes changes, etc. Then she finds out you actually have a different view and everything is not fine. Now she has to adapt again, change how she thinks, reverse decisions, and so on.


I just feel she makes bad decisions based on other people.

she changed her personality for this new friend, after that friendship fell apart she was back to normal.
Read both sections I quoted. I think your wife has a personalty type that requires consistent boundaries. You are failing to provide them.

This all speaks to security. It also speaks to trustworthiness. If a person cannot state how they feel and enforce their boundaries they are not honest and what they say and even do cannot be trusted as it could be false. Without boundaries there is no security.

This swinging thing is a symptom of a bigger problem. You need to learn how to identify and clearly express your thoughts and feelings. You need to learn to set and enforce boundaries.
 

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Hi everyone, new to this site and never asked anyone for advice before but I’ll give you a quick introduction to me and my wife. We are both 26 married 3 years and together 11 with 2 children. Are sex life used to be great before kids and after kids the sex has stopped to about once a month or so. That’s not the issue as that’s just life after kids haha the issue is my wife had started her Job about 1 year ago and has got really close to this girl who just happens to be a swinger with her male partner. A few months ago she started to change and would say that she missed out on sexual adventures because we got together so young and stuff, which I understand but I looked through her phone ( I know bad move) and she was searching stuff like “ I love my husband and want to sleep with other people” or “is my husband bad in bed” which really hurt. Anyway she always goes on about sleeping with this girl and that’s she wants it to be her “bit on the side” among other things and I feel like it’s my fault. how do I deal with this and make her happy? It’s really affecting me and don’t really know what to do about the situation. We have talked so much about this but nothing comes of it. We joined a swingers site to have a 3some with another girl, this was for her and for me not to touch the other girl. A few weeks ago she told me that was was over it and didn’t want to do anything with anyone and it was a relief and a bit confusing to me. Now she is going back to the idea of sleeping with someone else. The only thing that’s different is her going back to work after not working for a while and being with this girl. She has always been influenced by her friends mainly new ones and then they will fall out and then history repeats itself. Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks
Poly and swinger here, so you understand the perspective that I'm coming from.

I have read the other responses. The absolute first thing you need to do is figure out your boundaries and limitations. Decided what is acceptable (even if not desired) and what is not. Once that is done, you need to decide what are the consequences of those boundaries being violated. If you do not impose these consequences then they will be violated frequently. You also have to look closely at yourself and determine if these are actually your boundaries or ones imposed upon you by society. If the later AND not the former, then you need to work on throwing off those shackles before you can do anything.

Once you know where you stand, then you have to make sure that she does. You might consider a professional therapist or councilor to do this in front of. They can help you to ensure that your message is clear. Sadly there are many times when we think we are being clear when we are not, at least not to a specific person. Keep in mind that common sense isn't, and if we think that something should be commonly known, it probably isn't.

On top of all this, your wife should probably be checked out. Far from being a professional, it does sound like she has some type of personality issue. Especially if she is always copying other while she is with them. She will need help in overcoming this, if such is the case.

Swinging can be a great thing, but only if you already have a solid relationship, and assuming that you could enjoy such. It's not for everyone. But ultimately I don't think that the potential for swinging is the real issue here. It's your wife and her latching on to new people in the way you described. After you have done your own soul searching on your boundaries, have her get looked at.
 

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On top of all this, your wife should probably be checked out. Far from being a professional, it does sound like she has some type of personality issue. Especially if she is always copying other while she is with them. She will need help in overcoming this, if such is the case.
I thought all of the advice in this post was good but this in particular was very good. Your wife is a follower. She is VERY open to suggestion which is going to lead to some serious issues as your life and marriage progress. What will happen when it's a man at the office trying to start something with her? She's pretty high risk for cheating at some point I'm sorry to say.

Ask your wife if she has ever had sexual feelings towards a woman before? Even if someone denies that they are gay/bisexual, they've had the feelings, they just deny what they mean. If she's never had them before she may just be following what her new friend says she should be feeling/doing.

It sounds like she has trouble with boundaries and wants you to help with that. You could put your foot down and say no. If she wants to explore that stuff she'll have to get divorced first. That might be exactly what she's hoping you'll say. Then she can go back to her new friend and say "I can't risk my marriage, sorry." I remember my mother telling me over and over as a kid "use me as your excuse when you want to get out of something you know is not right for you" ie. drinking, drugs, skipping school, etc. It worked really well until I got old enough and strong enough to just say "No" on my own without any excuse other than I didn't want to do something.

But, she's all grown up with kids of her own so I think it's a good idea for her to get some therapy to learn how to set her own boundaries. If you don't feel comfortable telling her this alone, set up some marriage counseling so you can discuss it with the help of a professional.

But first and foremost, if her exploring is going to kill your marriage, you need to tell her NOW.

Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
 

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Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks
The nature of sex changes over time during a long term relationship. As time progresses, the reasons a couple is able to enjoy sex will change from new and exciting toward something that is more comforting, relaxed and familiar. Many people do not like this change and want things to be new and exciting again, so they seek that out which is often aided by novelties, online porn, an open marriage, or an affair.

Some people are late to discover suppressed elements of their own sexuality. This can be exacerbated if they were raised to believe that anything other than married monogamous heterosexual relationships is wrong. Generally speaking bisexuality or homosexuality is something inherit to someone's personality. While it can be undiscovered or suppressed for a period, it is an attribute that makes someone who they are as a person. While you can choose to accept or reject that in a partner, your partner can not erase that attribute in order to stay in the marriage. If you can not accept and love that part of your partner, then she may tend to feel unloved or broken. She may suppress this herself to protect the marriage which is an act of her choosing not to love herself and can cause depression/anxiety.

Not much advice. That is what it is in my opinion.

Nothing you can do about becoming a better lover or a better man will change this. You mostly have to choose to love your wife and help her love herself or divorce and in an effort to help both of you to move on.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.
It is not a question of you putting your foot down, or not. WHAT DO YOU WANT. You are a human being, you matter, you have value, what do you want.

Listen you are being way too passive here, I hope you can see that.

If you want to swing with couples or just females, and YOU ARE into it as well, that is one thing.

However, that so far does not sound like where you want to go, which is fine.

So stand up for yourself and put up YOUR boundary, and then she can decide if that is what she wants and if not, then she can leave. It really is not that hard.
 

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I don't think this has anything to do with you being a bad lover, she probably just wants the experience, it's something taboo/exciting for her perhaps. If you want to stay with your wife (which it seems like you do), I'd say let her hook up with the other woman, but you should be there too, every step of the way. You may not necessarily be involved, or you could just have sex with your wife while she hooks up with the woman... but you should be there! I wouldn't involve any other males, and def do not have sex with this other woman, may cause jealousy. But be aware that this can go either way, she might appreciate you more for allowing her to experience this and it can be a fun thing you both could talk about, or she might end it with you b/c she likes being with women more. Enter at your own risk...ha.
 
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