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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My BH was sober for 3 weeks and sadly last week started drinking again. He started off slow but then left a day ago to go partying with old friends who were always bad news. Haven't really heard from him since he left. He called once to say he was on his way home but he lost his phone while out. He never came back in the house but i can see his friends car is now gone so they were here. sad to see this happening because I know I put him thru a lot of pain since telling him of my EA & PA. His alcoholism was always an issue in our relationship before what i did but he said he wanted to stay sober for the kids. At this point, I'm thinking an R is not possible. I can't do that to the kids because its so unhealthy for them. Just wanted to share my thoughts here because you guys are the only ones who can understand what my BH is going thru.
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He has alot to work on plus the adultory...its hard!

He has his own demon. You have yours...lets hope for the kids sake your demons don't come back.....especially these days when we all see how presious these little ones are.

Having been there and having been just like your H I have learned and my fWW has also learned...it hard for you too. Just please don't get involved with some man just so you have a bandaid for this unhealthy marriage.

You and Mrs.the-guy both know it doesn't solve a damb thing. Take the hard road and address the issue with out some OM influencing what you need to do for whats best for the kids and not for you.

You'll have plenty of time to take care of your self once you raise your babies.

Sorry
the-guy that drank to much
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks the-guy and sorry you have felt this pain before. I now realize what a horrible mistake I made and how selfish I was. Right now my only concern is my babies and giving them everything they need to be happy and healthy. Yesterday's events showed me how precious life is and to cherish every moment I have with them. I've unfortunately learned my lesson the hard way and have betrayed H in the process.
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Unfortunately an affair can have that effect on people, drinking, drugs, sometimes suicide. Ya never know how someone will react. The person they chose to share their life with, someone who they formed an attachment to, and felt safe and secure with, and most likely had children with and shared their dreams with, has betrayed them. Betrayal is a sign of deceit, it proves there wasn't any loyalty in the relationship and that everything they thought was real, wasn't. So for someone who has had issues with drinking or something else, in the past, yes this betrayal can make them spiral out of control.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I thought we had already hit the bottom after the horrible thing I did. I'm so mad at myself for not leaving a long time ago. I just made a bad situation a million times worse and I ruined any chance of us getting better. I keep asking myself why didnt I just leave. I feel so horrible for BH.
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He was already an alcoholic. Don't take any blame. I'm another one. We are not short of excuses. He went out with drink buddies to bars as alcoholics do. He knows damm well he needs to change everything, a complete 180 of lifestyle.
He's his own master and he's a parent. He knows the risks. He doesn't care, he loves booze over everything else.
 

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An A is never an answer to any problem. The A makes solving any other issues impossible. If you had left before, he may have changed. Now you have lost the moral high ground.

You best bet is to end this however, please get IC for yourself and maybe the kids too Maybe somewhere down the road after all the anger is gone from both of you, it can be fixed.

Best wishes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks. I'm looking into legal separation now. I've already started IC and we had been doing MC. Ill see how the separation goes.
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Why post lies?. I left to a party thats been plan for months., The only reason my friends are bad news is because you don't want to F them. not your type.
I been staying away from you when I am angry to not effect the kids. I get angry last week when I realized that I had a time line of the affair in our daily work email conversation from the affair time. After going back and cross referencing dates. I found a period of time when OM dump you and you cried for 2 days straight. This is when we first started fighting "hard" after you got dumped. This plus the email sending me away on my birthday , chanced my view of you agin. DId not think it was possible to hate you more.
You have a propaganda machine running trying to make you look alike a victim. you are posting here looking for justifications for your actions. Stop doing that and search why you destroyed our marriage and the neighbors marriage. that should be your concern. You risked our kids and everything in your life for minutes of pleasure in a furniture store parking lot. Why you disrespected the mini van you carry ur family in.. gross; and you have the nerve to say anything about me.

For the record the consoler suggest a drinking pattern to cope with the party. a plan that I can use to only consume 2-3 drink. The limit + drink defection techniques to stay solver in the party or any other place that has alcohol. I never drank every day so my issues with drinking is control of the drink limit. We are going to work on that over time.
I am self medicating with other smokeable green stuff. but no drinks. I found out that for me it lets me actually do work and stop the repetitive questions and movies in my head.
 

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For the record the consoler suggest a drinking pattern to cope with the party. a plan that I can use to only consume 2-3 drink. The limit + drink defection techniques to stay solver in the party or any other place that has alcohol. I never drank every day so my issues with drinking is control of the drink limit. We are going to work on that over time.
I am self medicating with other smokeable green stuff. but no drinks. I found out that for me it lets me actually do work and stop the repetitive questions and movies in my head.
So you are back to "I'm not alcoholic" I can control it. I'm just...

Where I've read that before? Yeah, in my on mind!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
It's always been excuses. Always. Even before I made horrible decisions. Guess I'm done posting on here but thanks for the advice I've received, it means a lot.
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Bad decisions, if you really want to help your husband heal, which is necessary for reconciliation, this thread suggests to me you are doing a pretty awful job of it. There is a lot more you can do.

If you want to discuss, happy to. But not going to waste time typing a lot of advice if you have decided to separate and are just looking to justify your actions. So which is it?

Cold World, lay off the self medication. Take positive steps for your feelings instead. Better for you and you owe it to your kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I've decided to move forward with a legal separation. Not trying to justify my actions, i realize now how horrible and decietful they were. I should have just left him before but unfortunately i didnt. Was just looking for some feedback from people who have gone thru all this before.
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I've decided to move forward with a legal separation. Not trying to justify my actions, i realize now how horrible and decietful they were. I should have just left him before but unfortunately i didnt. Was just looking for some feedback from people who have gone thru all this before.
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Thanks for the honest response. Sad, but if that is your decision so be it.

Just try and be a bit gentle, ok? You have hurt him in ways he may never get over. Don't make yourself feel better at his expense. You have kids, so like it or not you have an ongoing link with him, and your kids also need him to be the best he can be.
 

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I've decided to move forward with a legal separation. Not trying to justify my actions, i realize now how horrible and decietful they were. I should have just left him before but unfortunately i didnt. Was just looking for some feedback from people who have gone thru all this before.
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Yes, you should have left if that was the case. Instead you cheated with your neighbor repeatedly. And the OM had to end the affair. So don't try to play the martyr or the victim.

CW. I am not sure how good of a counselor you have but your rationalizations fit that of an alcoholic. Having an alcoholic as a life partner is pretty hard for anyone. Leave about your wife.
 

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I thought we had already hit the bottom after the horrible thing I did. I'm so mad at myself for not leaving a long time ago. I just made a bad situation a million times worse and I ruined any chance of us getting better. I keep asking myself why didnt I just leave. I feel so horrible for BH.
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Not only did you not leave, you cheated with another married man. And would have kept cheating if he had not stopped it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I'm not trying to play martyr. I'm just saying how I feel. Seeing an IC to understand what is messed in my head. I regret the A with every ounce of my being. It was the most foolish and selfish thing I could have done. It ended mutually because we both realized how f'ed up we were being.
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