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14 Posts
Good morning all!
This question has two parts, so thank you in advance if you make it through the whole thing! I'll try to make this as concise as possible.
Basically: How would you feel if your SO stayed out all night drinking and didn't come home until 6-7am the next morning (unplanned)? And how do you deal with a piss poor drunk of a SO?
About 5 times during the year we've been together, my BF has gone out with one of his uncles (an admitted alcoholic, married, but he stays out all night at bars. BF has even told me he doesn't want the wife's number because he didn't want her calling him asking where her husband - the uncle - is when they're out together), and they've stayed out all night. They both enable each other to drink to the point where they're completely hammered, and then my boyfriend comes home reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and I hate that smell.
A lot of times, it wakes me up when he comes in the door blackout drunk. I like to deadbolt the door when I'm sleeping to feel safe, and I can't do that if he isn't home.
He used to come home hours later than he said he would, and now he just tells me he doesn't know when he'll be home. Apparently they know of a bar that's open really late, even though curfew here is 10pm for the pandemic. I end up worrying (he's had a DUI in the past) and I can't sleep through the night not knowing. Then, the next day he's completely useless and can't do anything because he's too hungover. Most of his other friends and family aren't like this...they'll go out drinking well into the night, but they actually want to go home after a few hours. My boyfriend is usually the one that wants to stay out all night. He used to not even answer my calls or texts, and after we argued about it, he started at least picking up his phone and answering texts.
That being said, I don't call or text him all night and I didn't even start worrying until about 6-7am, when I woke up and he still wasn't home. He and I talked in the past, he knows it bothers me, and he had agreed that he would ask me to pick him up (if its a weekend), or he would call an Uber home. Well, he hasn't done any of that since we talked. Whenever I'm out without him, I always make sure to let him know where I am and my ETA. And I'll let him know if I'm going to be late, without him having to ask. I just think that's basic respect and I just want the same from him.
He's also a terrible drunk. He has insecurity issues from being cheated on in the past, and quite often when he's drunk, he'll accuse me of flirting with other men (when I might just be talking to them and keeping my distance), secretly seeing or talking to other men behind his back, and several times, he's even accused me of sneaking men into our apartment when he wasn't there. Twice, he's also yelled at me to get out of the car in the middle of the highway, and only took us home when I refused to get out. I could say or do anything wrong and it will lead to a huge argument when he's drunk and at times, he's threatened to end the relationship. I used to have some close male friends, but whichever ones he was uncomfortable with, I greatly distanced myself or dropped them completely, out of respect for him.
Granted, I used to be either really flirty or really mean when I was blackout drunk, but I took a hint and limited my alcohol consumption as not to get to that point anymore. I'm happy now with a little buzz or just feeling happy/chill drunk. I also don't mind if him not coming home is planned...i.e. if he's going out somewhere further away and planned on crashing at a friend/his cousin's place for the night. Or if he's going out of town. That I have zero problems with.
The kicker is, he's admitted that he would be suspicious and upset if I stayed out all night and didn't show up until the next morning. Yet he does it to me, over and over. I came home 30 minutes late once from seeing my mother and he thought I was out cheating on him.
He sees his uncle about once a month and has asked me to hang out with them a couple times, but I don't want to drink for 7-8 hours straight and if I want to go home, even if its past midnight, he says I'm being a party pooper and ruining their fun. It's getting to the point where I dread him going out and getting drunk because I just know he won't moderate himself, and he'll get to that point where he finds something to get mad at me about. Once he wouldn't come home because he sat in his car, drunk as a skunk, looking through some videos I sent him when I was with my mom, and he got mad thinking he heard other men's voices in them. It was my mom talking (she has a lower voice), and I had to ask him several times to come back.
When he's sober, he's wonderful and I really enjoy being with him. Plus, we're currently on a lease together for another year so it's not as easy as just packing up and leaving. TAM, what's the best way to handle this? We agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to get across that I'm not trying to control his time with his uncle or his nights out, but be firm that the way he's behaving is not okay? I also know that he will bring up past arguments in an attempt to defend himself. I should mention that I also lied to him in the past (I made a past thread on this), so I have a feeling he will bring that up too.
Thank you all!
TL;DR Boyfriend stays out until 6-7am drinking with his uncle, doesn't let me know what time he'll be home. He's also really insecure and nasty when he's past a certain point with drinking. We have a shared lease and we agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to bring it up, and be kind but firm?
This question has two parts, so thank you in advance if you make it through the whole thing! I'll try to make this as concise as possible.
Basically: How would you feel if your SO stayed out all night drinking and didn't come home until 6-7am the next morning (unplanned)? And how do you deal with a piss poor drunk of a SO?
About 5 times during the year we've been together, my BF has gone out with one of his uncles (an admitted alcoholic, married, but he stays out all night at bars. BF has even told me he doesn't want the wife's number because he didn't want her calling him asking where her husband - the uncle - is when they're out together), and they've stayed out all night. They both enable each other to drink to the point where they're completely hammered, and then my boyfriend comes home reeking of booze and cigarette smoke, and I hate that smell.
A lot of times, it wakes me up when he comes in the door blackout drunk. I like to deadbolt the door when I'm sleeping to feel safe, and I can't do that if he isn't home.
He used to come home hours later than he said he would, and now he just tells me he doesn't know when he'll be home. Apparently they know of a bar that's open really late, even though curfew here is 10pm for the pandemic. I end up worrying (he's had a DUI in the past) and I can't sleep through the night not knowing. Then, the next day he's completely useless and can't do anything because he's too hungover. Most of his other friends and family aren't like this...they'll go out drinking well into the night, but they actually want to go home after a few hours. My boyfriend is usually the one that wants to stay out all night. He used to not even answer my calls or texts, and after we argued about it, he started at least picking up his phone and answering texts.
That being said, I don't call or text him all night and I didn't even start worrying until about 6-7am, when I woke up and he still wasn't home. He and I talked in the past, he knows it bothers me, and he had agreed that he would ask me to pick him up (if its a weekend), or he would call an Uber home. Well, he hasn't done any of that since we talked. Whenever I'm out without him, I always make sure to let him know where I am and my ETA. And I'll let him know if I'm going to be late, without him having to ask. I just think that's basic respect and I just want the same from him.
He's also a terrible drunk. He has insecurity issues from being cheated on in the past, and quite often when he's drunk, he'll accuse me of flirting with other men (when I might just be talking to them and keeping my distance), secretly seeing or talking to other men behind his back, and several times, he's even accused me of sneaking men into our apartment when he wasn't there. Twice, he's also yelled at me to get out of the car in the middle of the highway, and only took us home when I refused to get out. I could say or do anything wrong and it will lead to a huge argument when he's drunk and at times, he's threatened to end the relationship. I used to have some close male friends, but whichever ones he was uncomfortable with, I greatly distanced myself or dropped them completely, out of respect for him.
Granted, I used to be either really flirty or really mean when I was blackout drunk, but I took a hint and limited my alcohol consumption as not to get to that point anymore. I'm happy now with a little buzz or just feeling happy/chill drunk. I also don't mind if him not coming home is planned...i.e. if he's going out somewhere further away and planned on crashing at a friend/his cousin's place for the night. Or if he's going out of town. That I have zero problems with.
The kicker is, he's admitted that he would be suspicious and upset if I stayed out all night and didn't show up until the next morning. Yet he does it to me, over and over. I came home 30 minutes late once from seeing my mother and he thought I was out cheating on him.
He sees his uncle about once a month and has asked me to hang out with them a couple times, but I don't want to drink for 7-8 hours straight and if I want to go home, even if its past midnight, he says I'm being a party pooper and ruining their fun. It's getting to the point where I dread him going out and getting drunk because I just know he won't moderate himself, and he'll get to that point where he finds something to get mad at me about. Once he wouldn't come home because he sat in his car, drunk as a skunk, looking through some videos I sent him when I was with my mom, and he got mad thinking he heard other men's voices in them. It was my mom talking (she has a lower voice), and I had to ask him several times to come back.
When he's sober, he's wonderful and I really enjoy being with him. Plus, we're currently on a lease together for another year so it's not as easy as just packing up and leaving. TAM, what's the best way to handle this? We agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to get across that I'm not trying to control his time with his uncle or his nights out, but be firm that the way he's behaving is not okay? I also know that he will bring up past arguments in an attempt to defend himself. I should mention that I also lied to him in the past (I made a past thread on this), so I have a feeling he will bring that up too.
Thank you all!
TL;DR Boyfriend stays out until 6-7am drinking with his uncle, doesn't let me know what time he'll be home. He's also really insecure and nasty when he's past a certain point with drinking. We have a shared lease and we agreed to talk tonight. What's the best way to bring it up, and be kind but firm?
