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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Yes, yet another porn addict post.
I read alot of them, and how do people cope with it?
I met my bf in September 2010. he moved in in Oct. (too fast)
It was all good and wonderful at first, he interacted with my kids, even took my 14 yr old to work with him. They were so hungry for a father figure as I have been divorced for 6 years and their bio-dad has no interest in seeing them. Their grades improved, they started becoming better little people.
Then he went to work 90 miles away ... was coming home exhausted, had issues with management and quit in January.

Since then, he's been focusing on porn, porn, porn and more porn. He also got me to agree to swinging. We're on several sites, and have been having couples swaps and 3somes.

This is so very much not what I expected from the relationship.
I love him more than life, but as you might expect -- all his porn and swinging activities (he now goes alone to meet others while I have to work and be a mother); all his activities leave no time to be a boyfriend and stepfather figure.

Even when he is home (maybe 6 hours every few days) he is in the bedroom with the porn, and my kids don't even see him.

What have i done to my family? I am starting to realize we were better off alone.
Is there any hope for us? He doesn't see a problem with the porn or the lifestyle, and he says he loves me.

Another addiction -- he uses that powder used for raves - it has the same properties as methamphetamine, but is completely legal. An expensive addiction, for an unemployed man... yes, I am paying for all of his addictions!
 

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You are not married to him. He sounds like a loser to me. I would dump him, because he won't change. Even if you marry him he'll continue on with this behavior, or worse.

Oh and nix the swinging with him before you catch a disease.
 

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Wow. You moved a strange man into your home and you have children?!?!? Holy....:eek:

kick him out! he's no good. Give your children some stability.
 

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You really need to look deep into yourself to figure why you feel you love this man. There is nothing in this relationship for you or your children.

I would venture to guess that what you love is not him but the idea of having a man in your life and a father figure for your children. And now he is neither. You are in love with what you thought he was when he was acting in a manner to sucker you in. He did a good job of it didn't he? What you see now is the real him... and he's an abusive loser.

Is this really the example you want your children to grow up with? Is this what you want your children to live like? You sons to be like him or your daughters in a relationship with a man like him.

Since he is so sex absorbed I would be very concerned about the safety on the children. Is he ever alone with them?

What I gather is that he acted in a manner in the begining to sucker you in. Now that he is comfortable you see the real him.

Kick him out.
 

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Dude. So many things wrong with this regarding the children.

I really wish I could understand how you let him move in after a month when you have children....I don't mean to be rude, but ...this is how these men get into homes to sexually abuse children.
 

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Also, he quit his job so you could support him and his sexual perversions. He gets what he wants from you sexually, gets to sit on his a*s and surf porn all day, and does nothing to contribute.

He's a parasite and a sponge. I agree with the others, he could be dangerous to your kids.

You have a knack for picking winners.
 

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count me in on this too.

i have to agree with everyone else here.
you dont even have to worry about divorcing him, just tell him to leave.
think of your children if nothing else.

and get away from the swinging crap!
 

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Dump his ass
 

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Get some friends to help you. The next time he's gone for a few days pack his junk and put it on porch on in the yard.

Then text him, tell him it's over. You do not want to ever see him again. And for him to come get his junk. If it's not gone in a couple of days you will call a charity and donate it.

If he bugs you get a restraining order.

You have nothing to explain to this guy. He knows what he's doing wrong. I would not be surprised if he's just waiting so see when you will wise up and kick him to the curb.
 

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So far you have received a unanimous opinion. I think the one thing I'd disagree with is the hostility: "dump him", get rid of him", "put his stuff on the porch in bags".

Eventually maybe, but you sound like this is the beginning of the process for you. You are in an emotional place but the primary emotion isn't anger, yet.

You love yourself, your kids, and you feel you love him too. So help everybody. Ask him to leave and tell him why...heavy emphasis on the porn and the swinging, how those things make you feel, and how you feel these issues negatively impact your kids.

I'm a sex addict, currently sober, working on staying that way, and working toward fixing the damage that the addiction has done to me and those I love. Porn and swinging were part of my story. So was denial. I thought I was fine and couldn't understand what all the concern was about. He needs to hear you say, with conviction, that this is a serious problem. Your boundaries have to be clear and you cannot waver.

If he doesn't address his problem, he needs to go. Even if you aren't the savior that gets him into recovery, you can be a signpost, a speedbump. He needs consequences to cause him pain. It's the accumulation of this "pain" that is necessary if he is to ever "hit bottom" and begin to break through the denial.

It sounds like things aren't in a state of chaos just yet. Right now it's the pain and fear. You don't know what to do. If you do what is suggested, things will become tense and there will be anger and all that comes with it. But if you do nothing, nothing will change except to progress in the wrong direction.
 
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