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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When my boyfriend and I first met, we were crazy about each other. Once we both graduated college, we moved in together. Everything was wonderful, or so I thought. This past week he told me he couldn't be with me anymore, that he hadn't had feeling for me for a few weeks now. He said he had been struggling with whether he loved me or not. He broke down crying saying he was really depressed, that he had no emotions, no ability to feel anything. He said he felt crazy inside because he didn't how how he felt, but he knew he needed to get help-- and he wanted to do it alone.

At first I really, truly didn't understand it. With living together, I was completely shocked because I missed all signs of him being sad. I knew he wasn't wanting to be as intimate as we used to be and that he wasn't talking as much, but that's it. We're from Wisconsin, so when this past winter he said he felt sad, I thought it was a lack of Vitamin D. He started taking them and I noticed an improvement. I thought that mood had passed.

Now I'm wondering if it never went away, but only got worse over time. I know I nagged him all the time over the past few months, but it was because he stopped helping around the apartment. I work two jobs, so it was frustrating that he was tired all the time. I guess I should have put two and two together, but I didn't. Anyway, we've talked a few times since we broke up and he says he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know how he feels, but that I deserve someone who will make me happy, who will give me what I need.

I suppose I should back up a bit.. part of how this all blew up was that I caught him sexting (dirty texting) other girls. I know this sounds bad, but I've read online that when someone is depressed, they obviously aren't getting any enjoyment from their lives, so they look elsewhere for some happiness. I don't blame him for what happened and I've already forgiven him for it, but he feels really guilty about it and says it meant nothing. Now before anyone judges him, I truly believe it meant nothing to him. I started seeing a therapist to try to help make sense of everything for myself and my therapist told me that guys who are depressed have a low libido (which explains the lack of sex).

He is meeting with a therapist on Wednesday for the first time. What really scares me is that he says he associates our relationship with this dark time in his life, so he doesn't know if he will ever be able to be with me again. I've also read online that people who are depressed do tend to feel the closest person in their lives are the ones to blame for their depression, even though that is often not the case. He also says he feels so terrible about what happened, so embarrassed, that he doesn't know if he could ever forgive himself. He says he knows what a good thing he has with me, but he can't do anything to stop this. His parents were devastated (along with my parents) because we had talked about marriage so many times.

My friend thinks it might be post-college depression... like the big, bad world became too much for him with jumping right into a new job, having bills and loans, not having a lot of friends and living with me right away. I know I didn't help him with the depression (because I didn't know about it), but I really don't think I was the main cause of it. It breaks my heart to think that could be a possibility. The second time I saw him after the break up, it really scared me. His eyes were so empty, so hallow. He just looked so tired. I could tell he finally pulled down the mask he had been using for so long. I know he is in the right direction with wanting help for himself, but I keep wondering if he will ever be able to love me again. I don't understand how things could be so wonderful and him joke about baby names to end up like this.

I told him I was going to support him through this, that I don't want a relationship with him (at least until he is healthy if he wants one), that I just want to be his friend and help him get happy again. He told me he appreciates my support. At first he was hesitant, but he has been really good about talking to me still (if I initiate it). We have to talk right now as it is, because we still have the apartment (are trying to rerent it though) and have shared bills to pay. It's been really hard on me with losing my best friend and also having to move back in with my parents (neither of us can bare to be at the apartment anymore). No one seems to understand why I want to support him, why I still love him after him texting all those girls. That honestly means nothing to me in the long run. Yes, if we ever date again, we will have to work through the trust issues, but he means the world to me. I realize the risk I'm taking, having him not love me still, even after the medication (if his therapist prescribes it, that is). If we can get past this and have 60 more years of happiness together, then I'll do whatever it takes to show him I care.

We have so many things in common-- our goals, our morals and our daily interests (we even have the same major from college). He told me he used to think I was the sexiest girl he'd ever seen and that now he doesn't find me attractive (or anyone for that matter) and he said he doesn't know why. I know why he is pushing me away, I get it. I just don't understand why he didn't want me to stick around until he was on medication to see if those feelings could come about again. He says he feels so alone, but yet he is pushing me away? I have made a pact with myself to not make him feel guilty about the breakup, to not even talk about it. I don't understand why he wants to be alone if he feels so alone.

I guess I was just wondering if anyone has made it through something like this and ended up happy with their significant other. We were together for two years before this hit, and I find most other situations are different than mine in the fact that we were living together but not married. I truly love this man and want only the best for him. I'm strong enough to get through this, along with the help of my therapist, and to support him as much as needed. I just don't know how much support to give. It would be nice to hear if anyone has a similar experience and had made it through this.
 

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Hi!

I'm going through the same thing as you are or were. With two exceptions: we were only living together at weekends, but always hoping for a permanent solution, and we met 10 years ago, are bf and gf for 5 now. since we've met we are best friends. i planned a life untill we would be old together.

I trust him more than anyone. you know. The same story you described, with those differences.

Suddenly he breaks up with me. I wasn't expecting. i thougt he wanted me to move with him because he started the conversation with "this, the weekends, is not working". But no.... this, the relationship, is not working. I trully believe he has a depression. we are going to the doctor this friday.

He says he doesn't feel anything for me.He says he wants to love me, he knows rationally we were ment to spend our lives together but he just doesn't feel that anymore.

He asked me to go see him 2 days after the break up. he said he was happy the entire day because he knew i was coming that day to him, but, when he saw me, he kept feeling the same: nothing.

He's not happy with is job, his grandmother died a year ago and he told me (now) that he didn't feel anything. no sadness. nothing.

I don't know what to do or what to think. Doesn't he really love me anymore, or is the depression talking?

I want to believe is the depression, because it gives me hope. but, if it is not the depression, then it's the end. The end of all plans i made for my life. And it hurts profoundly... i can only compare this pain with the pain i felt with the death of my grandparents. It's excruciating.

If you still follow this please let me know how it went for you. Deep down i feel i have no return but is yet too soon to accept that. I will wait for the doctor first and then try to decide to let him go...

Please answer me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Honestly, I think it is the depression talking... but my results aren't going to be what you want to hear. I found out my ex ended up being a compulsive liar on top of having depression. He fully admitted to it. That meant that he lied about wanting medication to help with the depression, lied about going to the doctor to get medication, lied about cheating on me and very possibly lied about seeing a therapist. The end result? He started seeing someone else a MONTH after we broke up.. As far as I'm concerned, no one goes from "I'm in love with you, I want to marry you and make babies with you," to dating someone else that quickly unless 1) they were lying all along and were seeing someone behind your back (very possible in my situation) or 2) they are clinically depressed and are looking for that next "relationship" high to ignore the bigger problems. Either way, it took a lot of self meditation, therapy appointments and time to be able to move on. I saw him about a month ago at our favorite restaurant (we have birthdays 2 days apart, so it was only inevitable we would run into each other that weekend). It had been 5 months and it still wasn't easy to see him... especially with his new gf tagging along. His mom and I even text still on holidays/birthdays, and it is very obvious that we miss each other (even though we don't say it). Regardless of what anyone says, the relationship was very real and that meant I lost a second family when we broke up. Whatever happens in your relationship, it isn't going to be easy. Lean on your family and friends as much as possible. Talk to people as much as possible (NOT your bf, though, because you don't want to make them feel guilty for being depressed if they are). Bottling up any thoughts or feelings will only make things worse. Sorry my end results aren't great, but I'm in a better place now and am glad we didn't get married before I found out the person he actually was. Good luck!
 

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I can understand you wanting to support him. And that is fine and nice and all but the thing is, he doesn't want to be with you. He's told you as much and he cheated on you, by sexting other women.

You have feelings for him. So you can't be his "friend" and supporter because ultimately your feelings are going to get trampled on.

Step away and move on. Respect yourself. He doesn't want you anymore. Accept that. and in the future, when someone first shows you that and is looking for sex/sexting other women, cut the relationship on.

You are driving towards a dead end.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

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Honestly, I think it is the depression talking... but my results aren't going to be what you want to hear. I found out my ex ended up being a compulsive liar on top of having depression. He fully admitted to it. That meant that he lied about wanting medication to help with the depression, lied about going to the doctor to get medication, lied about cheating on me and very possibly lied about seeing a therapist. The end result? He started seeing someone else a MONTH after we broke up.. As far as I'm concerned, no one goes from "I'm in love with you, I want to marry you and make babies with you," to dating someone else that quickly unless 1) they were lying all along and were seeing someone behind your back (very possible in my situation) or 2) they are clinically depressed and are looking for that next "relationship" high to ignore the bigger problems. Either way, it took a lot of self meditation, therapy appointments and time to be able to move on. I saw him about a month ago at our favorite restaurant (we have birthdays 2 days apart, so it was only inevitable we would run into each other that weekend). It had been 5 months and it still wasn't easy to see him... especially with his new gf tagging along. His mom and I even text still on holidays/birthdays, and it is very obvious that we miss each other (even though we don't say it). Regardless of what anyone says, the relationship was very real and that meant I lost a second family when we broke up. Whatever happens in your relationship, it isn't going to be easy. Lean on your family and friends as much as possible. Talk to people as much as possible (NOT your bf, though, because you don't want to make them feel guilty for being depressed if they are). Bottling up any thoughts or feelings will only make things worse. Sorry my end results aren't great, but I'm in a better place now and am glad we didn't get married before I found out the person he actually was. Good luck!


MG101:

Thank you for replying so soon. I'm very sorry for you because i know the pain. It gets easier to move on in that situation, though i can imagine the other pain of being cheated, reaching the conclusion it wasn't real for him.

At this point I don't think he has cheated on me (i can be wrong, time will tell), but i feel, now, like the last year (since the absence of feelings began, without my knowledge) i have been living a lie too. .

I was happy with him, I couldn't wait to be with him, i bragged i had the best boyfriend ever, a thing I never thought could be possible, and after all i was wrong. i feel like i was living a lie and he let me.

I told him that yesterday, and se says that he knows we are perfect for each other and he though that the absence of feelings would pass. But it didn't.

It hurts.Too much.

I'm not the kind of person that allows a men to hurt me like this. I usually move on because i like myself more than any man. However, i do believe we had something important. I'm not a sentimental person. neither is he. We are very rational and think all things rationally. And rationally, i know we had something with foundations, he knows it too. he acknowledges that. He just says when he looks inside trying to find the feeling, it doesn't appear. It hurts a lot hearing that.

Well anyway, i won't stop fighting for him yet. I gave myself a 2 moths deadline to figure ou if it is the depression talking, or he just lost his feelings for me... It will cause me excruciating pain, and my life will be in stand by, but i just can't move on with that doubt.

Thank you so very much for your prompt answer. I was really needing it. I wish the very best for you ******************
 

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Denial is a very powerful thing. You stated above you wanted to "support" him but we all know that while you care, your ultimate goal is to "get him back." which is why you say you won't stop fighting for him. You still love him. And that's fine. Those are your feelings. The problem is you are not accepting what he is saying as his truth. And the truth is, he isn't into you anymore. You need to accept that so you can start processing things and move on. Re-read what you wrote:

This past week he told me he couldn't be with me anymore, that he hadn't had feeling for me for a few weeks now. He said he had been struggling with whether he loved me or not. He broke down crying saying he was really depressed, that he had no emotions, no ability to feel anything. He said he felt crazy inside because he didn't how how he felt, but he knew he needed to get help-- and he wanted to do it alone.

part of how this all blew up was that I caught him sexting (dirty texting) other girls

What really scares me is that he says he associates our relationship with this dark time in his life, so he doesn't know if he will ever be able to be with me again. He also says he feels so terrible about what happened, so embarrassed, that he doesn't know if he could ever forgive himself. He says he knows what a good thing he has with me, but he can't do anything to stop this.

He told me he used to think I was the sexiest girl he'd ever seen and that now he doesn't find me attractive (or anyone for that matter) and he said he doesn't know why




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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You should take notice that someone else posted after me and I responded to her letting her know an update on the situation. Then you posted with a response that makes no sense considering I already have moved on and the situation took place months ago. She replied after that with a response to my second post... followed by another post from you that makes no sense.
 
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