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My WH continues to gaslight and trickle truth me. All he has admitted to was some “innocent” flirting via text messages. Some of the “innocent” texts include: I’ll be thinking about you, big kisses for you, I miss you already, and making plans to see her. In early October I sent a short FB message to the OW telling her to stop calling and texting my husband. They just switched to calling and talking on his work phone. Last night I received a response from her. These are the highlights from what she wrote. I am fully aware of who you are and what you are to (H). A wife on a piece of paper. That's really all . I've never been inappropriate in a relationship I was in .... only a crazy insecure b*tch like you would assume that. I hear inappropriate relationships are not out of the question for you. Too bad - (H) deserves better. I don't decide who your husband talks to and clearly you don't either.

I showed told my WH the message when he came home. He claims he doesn’t know why she would send that. I said she is either delusional because she thinks something is going on between you two or something is going on between you two. For a very long time, my WH would accuse me of lying to him, ask why I had to start work when I did, why I was wearing what I was wearing, you get the picture. During the occasional business trips I had to take, he made life very unpleasant just before and during the trip. Calling constantly or expecting me to check in to the point coworkers noticed. Of course, I now realize he was projecting.

As much as I thought I wanted to try R, I know it’s not possible if he won’t even admit to what’s been going on and I’m pretty sure he’s getting off on this attention. Last night I asked him how often he talks and texts with her on the work phone and he said he doesn’t know. This has been a popular answer since I suspected something until I recently began doing the 180. I asked him if he would get a copy from his work of the phone records. He got angry and said if they think something is going on with someone at work he’ll be fired. Interesting answer. I have a response written for the OW, but not sure I even need to send it. Telling him to move out tonight.
 

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So sorry this is happening to you. He may wake up when you ask him to move out. If some woman talked to my wife that way I would give her a piece of my mind. Sounds like he wasn't even mad about it.

Go hard on this one.
 

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Sorry for the situation your H is causing you.

Note, in most cases he legally does not have to move out so you need do somethings.

Get VARs and put them in appropriate places where you suspect he has been contacting the OW

Get a keylogger for the computer

Get your finances in order so that you can deal with this and not have this be an overbearing weight on you.

Contact an attorney and find out your options.

Make a list of why you would want to R and why you wouldn't want to R and weigh it out in your mind if an R is worth it.

Maybe have your H take a Polygraph if he is so insistent that this is not an issue. If it isn't H should have no problem.

Continue the 180.

Just some initial thoughts
 

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My WH continues to gaslight and trickle truth me. All he has admitted to was some “innocent” flirting via text messages. Some of the “innocent” texts include: I’ll be thinking about you, big kisses for you, I miss you already, and making plans to see her. In early October I sent a short FB message to the OW telling her to stop calling and texting my husband. They just switched to calling and talking on his work phone. Last night I received a response from her. These are the highlights from what she wrote. I am fully aware of who you are and what you are to (H). A wife on a piece of paper. That's really all . I've never been inappropriate in a relationship I was in .... only a crazy insecure b*tch like you would assume that. I hear inappropriate relationships are not out of the question for you. Too bad - (H) deserves better. I don't decide who your husband talks to and clearly you don't either.

I showed told my WH the message when he came home. He claims he doesn’t know why she would send that. I said she is either delusional because she thinks something is going on between you two or something is going on between you two. For a very long time, my WH would accuse me of lying to him, ask why I had to start work when I did, why I was wearing what I was wearing, you get the picture. During the occasional business trips I had to take, he made life very unpleasant just before and during the trip. Calling constantly or expecting me to check in to the point coworkers noticed. Of course, I now realize he was projecting.

As much as I thought I wanted to try R, I know it’s not possible if he won’t even admit to what’s been going on and I’m pretty sure he’s getting off on this attention. Last night I asked him how often he talks and texts with her on the work phone and he said he doesn’t know. This has been a popular answer since I suspected something until I recently began doing the 180. I asked him if he would get a copy from his work of the phone records. He got angry and said if they think something is going on with someone at work he’ll be fired. Interesting answer. I have a response written for the OW, but not sure I even need to send it. Telling him to move out tonight.
You're doing great.

I would place a VAR in his car, install spyware on the computer and his phone if you can. Also look for a burner phone in his car.
 

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So sorry this is happening to you. He may wake up when you ask him to move out. If some woman talked to my wife that way I would give her a piece of my mind. Sounds like he wasn't even mad about it.

Go hard on this one.
And I left out the really nasty stuff. :(
 

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Yeah he needs to move out. Tell him to come back when hes ready to re enter the marriage, and go completely NC.

Also keep him out for at least a few weeks. Many 'move outs' don't hit home on just how serious it is when the WS just sleeps in their parents house or a hotel for a few days cause the BS lets them back near instantly.

When hes out of his home for weeks and you're giving no guarantees on if/when he can come back, it'll sink in, and you can see just how remorseful he truly is.

If hes getting pissy about it he is DEFINITELY not remorseful.

Hes gonna need to make amends and this is while not sleeping in the marital bed.

My Uncle kicked out his 2nd wife. Everyone was pissed at her, but she made amends. For the two months though she was out of their house but my uncle says she still made sure he had home cooked meals each day. (He can't do much past putting food on a pan or in hot oil)
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Sorry for the situation your H is causing you.

Note, in most cases he legally does not have to move out so you need do somethings.

He is going to stay at a relative's for now. I know it's the right thing, but it makes me soo sad.[/COLOR][/COLOR]

Continue the 180.

I am focusing on making myself stronger and happier. It's still hard to believe that he continues to get angry with me. The only thing he said was at least I don't trash talk you to other people. Pre-180 I was venting to a friend and he heard me call him a fvcker. I pointed out that the OW made the comment that she hears I have inappropriate relationships and that I was certain she didn't hear that from me. Of all the things that he could be concerned about, he's p*ssed that I called him a bad name to my friend. Well if you don't want to be called that, don't act like one.
Just some initial thoughts
I appreciate the time you took to respond.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Yeah he needs to move out. Tell him to come back when hes ready to re enter the marriage, and go completely NC.

Also keep him out for at least a few weeks. Many 'move outs' don't hit home on just how serious it is when the WS just sleeps in their parents house or a hotel for a few days cause the BS lets them back near instantly.

When hes out of his home for weeks and you're giving no guarantees on if/when he can come back, it'll sink in, and you can see just how remorseful he truly is.

If hes getting pissy about it he is DEFINITELY not remorseful.

Hes gonna need to make amends and this is while not sleeping in the marital bed.

My Uncle kicked out his 2nd wife. Everyone was pissed at her, but she made amends. For the two months though she was out of their house but my uncle says she still made sure he had home cooked meals each day. (He can't do much past putting food on a pan or in hot oil)
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You are so right. He's basically shown no remorse at all. I'm hoping the hardest part was telling him to go. I know that I can't will him to recommit to the marriage. So I guess that whatever happens from this point out, at least I know that I tried everything I could to make this work
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You are so right. He's basically shown no remorse at all. I'm hoping the hardest part was telling him to go. I know that I can't will him to recommit to the marriage. So I guess that whatever happens from this point out, at least I know that I tried everything I could to make this work
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Im sorry for your pain because I do know how painful it is. Sometimes when I read posts on here I can actually feel the pain of another person going through this. I remember so vividly how it felt as if it was only yesterday!
 

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I appreciate the time you took to respond.
So sorry Travel.

I'm a big propponent of not venting to other people about specific issues in your marriage but that rule only applies when the intimacy and openness still exists. You vent to your spouse about your spouse LOL. Your husband has destroyed both the intimacy and openness.

You're on the right path.
 

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So sorry Travel.

I'm a big propponent of not venting to other people about specific issues in your marriage but that rule only applies when the intimacy and openness still exists. You vent to your spouse about your spouse LOL. Your husband has destroyed both the intimacy and openness.

You're on the right path.
Thanks. I only called him a f*cker when I walked in the room and found him setting up a new email address. I had to great all previous emails for him. I also peeked at his phone and saw that he had been looking at women seeking men ads. So im guessing that this was what the new email was necessary for. I was so mad, I thought I texted my friend "caught the f*cker setting up a new email address". Accidentally sent it to my husband. They have the same first letter. Guess that parts a little funny.
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He may wake up when you ask him to move out.
H has been out of the house since Thursday pm. We've had minimal contact-just a few questions about checking account, etc. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the place. One second I feel strong and that I will be ok no matter what. Then I'm sad if a certain thought or memory catches me off guard. Then I'm angry that this is going on. I'm guessing that this is what being in limbo feels like?? Went to the gym and worked out. Post workout felt great. Was riding home listening to music, a song came on and so did the tears. Then I get angry with myself for crying once again. I'm assuming that this is pretty typical. If anyone thinks it's not, could you please let me know? :scratchhead:
 

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H has been out of the house since Thursday pm. We've had minimal contact-just a few questions about checking account, etc. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the place. One second I feel strong and that I will be ok no matter what. Then I'm sad if a certain thought or memory catches me off guard. Then I'm angry that this is going on. I'm guessing that this is what being in limbo feels like?? Went to the gym and worked out. Post workout felt great. Was riding home listening to music, a song came on and so did the tears. Then I get angry with myself for crying once again. I'm assuming that this is pretty typical. If anyone thinks it's not, could you please let me know? :scratchhead:
I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. Its been a few days since Ive seen you post.

Hope you are well.
 

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H has been out of the house since Thursday pm. We've had minimal contact-just a few questions about checking account, etc. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the place. One second I feel strong and that I will be ok no matter what. Then I'm sad if a certain thought or memory catches me off guard. Then I'm angry that this is going on. I'm guessing that this is what being in limbo feels like?? Went to the gym and worked out. Post workout felt great. Was riding home listening to music, a song came on and so did the tears. Then I get angry with myself for crying once again. I'm assuming that this is pretty typical. If anyone thinks it's not, could you please let me know? :scratchhead:
Totally typical, it is a really wild emotional roller coaster.
 

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Stay strong. You're doing the right thing in going to the gym. See if they have yoga classes there. Keep posting. Other posters like LetdownNTx can feel your pain and strength.

Don't cave in or you'll be in deeper waters. You should contact a lawyer and secure your bank funds. The last thing you need is to find out he's cleaned you out.

If they work together consider going to HR and reqest a copy of their non-frat policy. Take it home and read it. He'll find out just how serious you are.
 

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I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. Its been a few days since Ive seen you post.

Hope you are well.
LetDownNTX

Your kindness just made me smile. This week has been ok. All weekend H kept calling and telling me he missed me, etc. On Sunday he said he couldn't continue to stay where he was so I said he should come back. I'm continuing to do the 180. This entire week he's been asking where I am, where I'm going the same nonsense as before. I know that nothing is different. Last night I didn't ask where he had been, but he apparently felt the need to explain and gave me some lame story that was obviously not true. When I spoke with my IC (I hope that's the right abbreviation) she said that he may view my actions in the 180 as just accepting what he's doing. I guess at this point, it doesn't really matter since I'm doing it for ME. I haven't cried at all this week so I guess that's a good sign? :smthumbup:

I am beyond grateful that I found this site when I did. I try to share things that I hope will help others and let's just say that when people care enough to ask how a stranger is doing, it really restores my faith in the human race. It's pretty easy to get jaded these days.

LetDownNTX I hope this conveys what you did for me today. Thank you and I hope you are well also.
 

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LetDownNTX

Your kindness just made me smile. This week has been ok. All weekend H kept calling and telling me he missed me, etc. On Sunday he said he couldn't continue to stay where he was so I said he should come back. I'm continuing to do the 180. This entire week he's been asking where I am, where I'm going the same nonsense as before. I know that nothing is different. Last night I didn't ask where he had been, but he apparently felt the need to explain and gave me some lame story that was obviously not true. When I spoke with my IC (I hope that's the right abbreviation) she said that he may view my actions in the 180 as just accepting what he's doing. I guess at this point, it doesn't really matter since I'm doing it for ME. I haven't cried at all this week so I guess that's a good sign? :smthumbup:

I am beyond grateful that I found this site when I did. I try to share things that I hope will help others and let's just say that when people care enough to ask how a stranger is doing, it really restores my faith in the human race. It's pretty easy to get jaded these days.

LetDownNTX I hope this conveys what you did for me today. Thank you and I hope you are well also.
This forum has helped me see a lot of things within myself, everyone is so caring and compassionate. I guess it has rubbed off on me! There are always people who care, if you look in the right direction! Im glad to hear you are feeling a little better about the situation and doing the 180 for yourself.

I didnt think that I could do the 180 completely without making my situation worse so I just did what I could of it and havent been giving anymore to WH or the relationship then he has been giving. That seems to work for me.

Keep us updated!
 

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I think everything is great except that fact he's back. I can say that in my own situation I decided it was I leave or her. No wishy washy living together as it just doesn't work.
 
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