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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What would you do if you were to find out that your loved one has been lying to you? Would you continue to trust this person? Try to put yourself into such situation when you discover that your loved one had deceived you and betrayed your trust. What would you do, if the person you love the most has promised you that he/she will stop whatever he/she is doing, and asks for forgiveness for hurting you, that he/she didn’t mean to hurt you, that you don’t deserve to be betrayed; but next thing you know, after barely recovering from the first disappointment and betrayal, he/she continued lying to you and betraying.
Imagine how you would feel when you love someone, and you want to be with that person spiritually and sexually, sharing your warmth and passion making love to him/her to ecstasy and more… but this person instead turns his/her back to you finding an excuse day after day… At fist you believe; then you doubt, then you find out that he/she releases his/her needs through porn websites, through nude or half nude pictures, through kinky e-mails and/or chats. So here you are, all alone feeling guilty and hurt thinking that it’s your fault; and you’re starting to feel that you’re not attractive or sexual enough to him/her. For others yes, but not for him… So how cars, it doesn’t matter anymore.
Here you are, braking you promises, the one you gave after seeing how your mother was crushed when she found out that you’re father has been dishonest, after seeing your mother wanting to commit a suicide and the only thing that kept her form not doing that act was her children; thus, you solemnly promises yourself that you will never allow any man to make you feel that way. But here you are, you fell in love, and you got not just a simple hardtack, but your whole world shattered with his/her betrayal. Your dreams are fading behind the horizon. Life looses it’s meaning, and all you’re left with is memories of promises. You’re starting to trace back into your memory trying to separate what was hones and real, and where did you go wrong, and why? What are the reasons for this person for deceiving you? And so how would you feel in such situation?
 

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Hi Lucy, I'm so sorry for your dilemma. It looks like you've given him several chances to redeem himself, but it's evolved into a vicious cycle from his end. Don't blame yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. He's the one with some serious issues, and personally, I think he needs professional help. If you've tried everything to repair the relationship and he hasn't done any work, then you can safely say you tried. I know it's difficult to let go, but for your own self-preservation, you need to start focusing on YOU. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi chocolat07 ,
Thank you for responding to my post. I appreciate it. I don’t know anymore what to do. You know what’s feeble in this situation? I still love this person, I care for him as much as I did the day I came to him; and I’m afraid of loosing him. But what scars me even more is that I’m afraid of loosing the ability to trust, and to take a chance again… Perhaps I’m being too dramatic. Perhaps if I let things go for now, maybe he’ll come back to me. The thing is that during the day, is very gentle, caring, he kisses my cheek and hands very often…according to him, he loves seeing me smile because a have this little, I don’t know how to call this, dots perhaps…anyway…but during night, and on weekends he changes. During weekends, he says he goes one place, such as to fix the car or to store, but instead he goes to his office at work and does his “things”. And I’ve checked this in fact. So, this weekend is the weekend that I’m going to write him a letter and put it in his car, because I don’t think I can take another aggressive conversation where he denies everything and makes me feel guilty for putting him in such situation. One could say he successfully guilt-trips me very often.
 

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Lucy...I know exactly how you feel, read my post on unfaithful. I too have your same dilemma. It is very difficult to make the decision to stay and be numb and act like nothing is going on, or leave and be faced with being alone, and feeling rejected, all because of some stupid fetishes and irrational thinking. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too also felt it was something I was doing. My husband actually told me that I didnt pay that much attention to him, so I tried harder, but when there is housework, homework, work, and odd and end things its hard to devote that much time to just him. Even though I have tried that route, things still ended up the same way, with him on the computer trying to have phone sex with other women. I feel dissappointed in him, and I feel sad for him, because it is so stupid to lose a caring sweet and honest person all because you cant control your urges. Unlike you, I have started feeling less and less for my husband, because I feel like if he cant get help and he cant make that commitment to not do the things that he does, knowingly hurting me, then he cares more for his self then he does for our happiness together. He too also denied everything and acted as if he hadn't did anything wrong, I know for a fact what he has done, and then one night I had to listen to him tell me that he didnt think that I was the one not trying hard enough, when the night before he had been on the computer chatting up to other women. It just disgusts me how someone could do this. I cant stand to have him touch me in anyway. It repulses me to no end, but I too am hesitant to leave, because for one its my house, and two I know I still love him but he is never gonna get over this, he has had chance after chance. Lucy I hope you can figure things out. Just dont blame yourself, good luck and I hope everything works out for you. God bless :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you babyblues7 for your respond. I read your posts and you’re right, unfortunately we are in similar situation. I wish they could understand how unhappy they make us with their ‘games’. My husband also knows how I feel about him chatting online, and just in general, he knows that I’m very sensitive when matters concern to family, honor, loyalty and respect. I know he loves me, but love is not enough in a relationship. I much rather have respect, honesty and loyalty in a relationship then love. Conversations, fights, and implications don’t help. I’ve tried. I’m not a selfish person, but I really think I don’t deserve this. I have my faults too, but I would never betray him. At this point, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I try to control myself and not be so emotional. However, as much as I try to stay calm, deep down I feel like a walking bomb. One little mistake is enough for me to blow up. I wish to you and to myself strength. I hope things get better for both of us without complications and scars.
 

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I hope Lucy things do get better for you. I think that for the most part he is not intentionally trying to hurt you, I know my husband stated that the reasons that he would chat with other women was because he didnt feel like I gave him enough attention or that he just wanted company, and he said that usually it just gets out of hand, but he also says that it doesnt have anything to do with him not being happy with me. Of course thats a little hard to take. But my situation seems to be getting a little better, so I think it just takes a little time. Have you all talked about all of this in why he feels the need to take time away from you and your family to do these types of things? It really is a shame for these things to happen, and I am really sorry for your situation. But try and stick it out a little longer, and talk talk talk to him, maybe he doesnt have enough things to occupy his time, or maybe he just doesnt feel like hes wanted, either way at least try and see what might be going on that maybe you two could both work at. If he is not willing to change or at least try to talk about things to help and resolve the issue, I would say that maybe there is a bigger problem at hand. I hope again that everything works out for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi babyblues7 …
I’m glad to hear that things are going to the brighter side with you guys. I’ve talked to my husband and asked him why? Among the replies, some of which were hard to believe in, he mentioned our age difference which is six years, and because he appears a bit older then his age, every now and then he feels younger and wanted when he gets an attention from the opposite sex. But that excuse didn’t satisfy me, because my life is all about him. We go places he likes to go, do things that he enjoys… I don’t have my friends or my family that live nearby to spend time with; thus, my free hours after work and weekends are all for him. Besides, he knows that I’m attracted to him and have been all this time, that I want him no matter his appearance. Frankly, he’s very hansom to me and I adore him, and I tell him that very often. I still think his explanations are not reasons for a betrayal. There is something more that I don’t know. Perhaps it’s really me. Maybe I’m really not appealing t him in intimate way. I don’t know anymore what to think. In any case…I really appreciate for posting me back. Thank you.
 

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Just want to get this straight you feel betrayed because he uses porn websites for sexual release instead of coming to you?

Have you ever shut him off? Did he feel reject then goto these sites?

If the answer is yes then I say the two of you would need to goto couples therapy together to mend both sides of the fence.

If the answer truely is no then he has an addiction that is hurting the relationship and he alone needs to have mental help for his problem if you still want the relationship to work.

If you doubt you can trust him enough to be sexual again then I'd say get out of the relationship because by not filling his needs he will justify it by going back to these sites causing a cycle.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
No, I don’t recall ever shutting him off. It’s the other way around… thank you for your respond. I truly appreciate it.
 

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No, I don’t recall ever shutting him off. It’s the other way around… thank you for your respond. I truly appreciate it.
It takes two. When I was on the dance floor he wasn't and when he was, I wasn't. In the meantime, I have shut down and pulled way back. No one wants to get hurt.
 
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