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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
 

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It sounds like she may still be in contact with the OM which is why she's pushing you away so hard. Or she had an exit affair. Keep copies of the evidence someplace safe. Put a voice activated recorder under the driver seat in her car. Install key loggers and spyware on all computers and cell phones.

Then, confront her with what you know.

She will go ballistic. It will be all blamed on you. Stay calm, put it back on her and tell her SHE is the one who cheated and is destroying her family. Exposé the evidence to her parents and yours. Exposé the affair to the OMs wife.

You will have to be prepared to lose this marriage. You do not discuss any sort of reconciliation. Go to the newbies thread at the top of this forum and read the 180. After you confront and expose, follow that.

You do not leave the house. If she wants out, she goes.
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I suggest you expose her to your and her family/friends then upon her coming home hand over the divorce papers. This way you'll send a strong message to her and not look weak by keeping her affair a secret. You need to expose it to kill it.

Stop the MC since there is a 3rd person in the picture. It wont do any good until he is out for good.

Also its good you've realized not to trust her, from now on never trust a word that comes out of her mouth for a long time, if ever.

Just wondering, are you 100% sure you have all the evidence of her affair(s)? Did you secure them somewhere she has no access to?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yeah, I've been in the newbie section, and in fact I've been carrying a copy of the 180 in my pocket and reading it over and over, whenever I would feel like **** (which is quite often).

She is still in contact with the OM. Just last night she sent him an email saying "it's been a rough week, i wish i could talk to you". The OM is not married.

I did have a keylogger running on her computer, but I disabled it after a few weeks. It was making me feel like absolute trash that I was spying on her. Plus, the 180 says not to spy on your spouse, so I'm confused as to what to do.
 

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You have a solid plan so stop second guessing your self. Hold on to the emials file for divorce and make sure the lawyers names OM in the paperwork, have her served and the expose the affair.

This tactic will show your WW how confident you are in letting her go and it will be up to her to do the heavy lifting to withdraw the divorce papers.

YOur wifes a cake eater and will not give up her second life with out the hard reality of getting served. Be prepared for her to get really pissed. See she thinks she is in the drivers seat and you ain't going anywere...prove her wrong and use the said tactic to get her to think twice about her choices.
 

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So you already have all the evidence - why aren't you confronting? Keep the keylogger installed. Don't tell her HOW you're getting this info.

The 180 is for after you confront and expose. What are you waiting for?
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
keko: i'm an IT professional, she has no idea of what i'm doing. though she has been getting advice from a divorced female friend of hers that was married to a PI, so WS has learned some rudimentary concealment techniques. the evidence i have found so far is sparse, except for a few gems like the one that details the PA from WS to OM.

I suppose I should re-establish the keylogger..
 

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Yeah, I've been in the newbie section, and in fact I've been carrying a copy of the 180 in my pocket and reading it over and over, whenever I would feel like **** (which is quite often).

She is still in contact with the OM. Just last night she sent him an email saying "it's been a rough week, i wish i could talk to you". The OM is not married.

I did have a keylogger running on her computer, but I disabled it after a few weeks. It was making me feel like absolute trash that I was spying on her. Plus, the 180 says not to spy on your spouse, so I'm confused as to what to do.
As you can see your wife has little concern for you and until you serve her she will continue to think she has your number.


Having been here for a while the type of affair you are dealing with is one of of the most toxic because your wife is so fogged in that she is willing to give up everything for OM the problem is OM is not so here your wife is willing to let you go but afraid to loss the security and stabliity you offer.

So in this case you must force your hand by filing, if your lucky the Om gets scared off think that your wife will be his problem for now on. I think the OM tells your WW to work on the marriage while banging your wife, that way he has no strings attached to your WW.

Some thing tells me making your wife more available to OM by serving WW will scare him off.

Until the OM is out of the picture your wife will be in the fantasy fog.
 

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Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
Time is not on your side. File D and throw her out. It is the only way to clear the fog in a hurry. The longer you wait the deeper it goes. Holiday are perfect for this. Do not delay.

In addition you must do the 180. No talking to her about anything except the kids. Most importantly is start moving on. That is good for both of you.

You can not deal with this from weakness. You can not beg, hope or pray. You need to take action. She needs to respect her marriage and you.
 

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Do re-establish the keylogger.

If possible you can even place a voice activated recorder(VAR) in her car. This is very important because most cheaters feel the safest inside their car so they talk about everything with all the details whether they are talking with their affair partner or a toxic friend.

Were you able to determine when she's meeting up with this pos? Would a physical surveillance be possible?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
You have a solid plan so stop second guessing your self. Hold on to the emials file for divorce and make sure the lawyers names OM in the paperwork, have her served and the expose the affair.

This tactic will show your WW how confident you are in letting her go and it will be up to her to do the heavy lifting to withdraw the divorce papers.

YOur wifes a cake eater and will not give up her second life with out the hard reality of getting served. Be prepared for her to get really pissed. See she thinks she is in the drivers seat and you ain't going anywere...prove her wrong and use the said tactic to get her to think twice about her choices.
ok. that's sort of what i needed to hear, the first paragraph. gather info, file papers which name OM, serve her papers, then expose the affair. ok. that's a plan. that's what i needed, i think.
 

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Though she has been getting advice from a divorced female friend of hers that was married to a PI, so WS has learned some rudimentary concealment techniques.
I can't begin to say how much I hate people like this 'friend'. 'Friends' like that that justify reprehensible behavior, and even help the WS, are possibly even worse than the betrayer. The proverbial devil on the shoulder...
If you have your WW write NC letters make sure she ditches the toxic 'friends', they're pure poison whether or not you are part of the picture.
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keko: i'm an IT professional, she has no idea of what i'm doing. though she has been getting advice from a divorced female friend of hers that was married to a PI, so WS has learned some rudimentary concealment techniques. the evidence i have found so far is sparse, except for a few gems like the one that details the PA from WS to OM.

I suppose I should re-establish the keylogger..
You got your smoking gun. the kellogger will be usefull *if* you WW aggrees to your boundries after being served, exposure,confrontation......then the keylogger will verify any agreement your wife has made *if* she wants to save her family.

Any,ore eveidence won't mean sh1t, your old lady already already divorced you in her minf by telling you so (funny how waywards minds work)...you are a 1 step a head of your wife pull the trigger and show her a taste of reality by 1)sever her, 2) expose her,3)confront her with your boundries in order to with draw the d-papers.
 

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Reading this forum has been eye-opening. So many people have had similar experiences, it's really freaking creepy. I've been reading a bit here, so bear with me. Here's my story:

About one month ago, my wife told me she wants a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. We have two little boys together, ages 3 & 2.

Long story short, my WS explained that there were many things throughout our marriage that she's been unhappy with. She said that it is too late for another chance at the marriage. We both began seeing therapists individually, and a marriage counselor together. She would go back and forth with her feelings, whipping me around like a roller-coaster. She would tell me that she "doesn't know why she can't give me a second chance, but she can't". She would say that she "needs to work on herself and can't do it while she's with me."

Until I discovered this forum, I was of the opinion that the WS and I, with great effort, could make a better marriage for us both and for our children. She would simply repeat that "it is too late". We've only had two marriage counseling sessions so far, and at the end of the last one the therapist took us both aside individually. I don't know what she said to my WS, but she told me that "though she doesn't want to reconcile, do not give up, there's always a chance".

Then, I discovered evidence of her affair (with a _former_ friend of mine!) She had been insisting that their relationship was platonic, but began trickle-truthing me about things that have happened. She admitted that she's been lying to me about certain things (without elaborating on what) and that she does it (the lying) because she needs her privacy and I'm not a part of that aspect of her life. She insisted nothing physical has happened. I found a damning email from her to him stating otherwise.

I have not confronted her with the email evidence yet. She doesn't know that I am aware of her secret email account. I want to draw up the divorce papers and serve her with them, then possibly expose the affair to her friends and family after the fact.

However I'm not sure how to proceed. The WS has been beating me over the head with the threat of filing divorce papers for the entire time, which would usually result in me saying "just go do it then", which she wouldn't do. Then, the marriage counselor suggested that we postpone any action of that sort until after the holidays, so that we could get in 4-5 sessions of marriage counseling before any action is taken. This was all said before I discovered the PA however.

I never knew I could feel this much anger and pain. Please give me some advice, something, anything. I don't know what to do. I can't trust a single word she says. She even said that she "wished she could kill me" at one point, though she said she didn't mean it and profusely apologized for it later that night and again the next day.

What should I do??
Set it up so there are no kids around, just you and your wife for at least an hour. Sit down and have a talk with her. Tell her that you KNOW she is involved with the other guy romantically and having sex with him. Do not tell her how. Never tell her how.

Tell her that you still are willing to reconcile with her, that you still love her, and that you will do everything in your power to improve yourself and improve your marriage but only if she is willing to end the affair completely and work on the marriage. Then give her your conditions: handwritten no contact letter, she allows you to verify that she no longer has contact by giving you complete access to all her communciation devices and accounts, and she gets STD tests.

Then, tell other man's wife or girlfriend what is going on. Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

If your wife does not agree to work on the marriage, tell her and your family and close friends that she has been cheating on you, going to marriage counseling with you all the while lying about carrying on an affair, tell them the other man's name, and tell them that she refuses to give up the affair. Tell them you still love your wife and would like to save your marriage and your family and ask for their help and support in doing so.

Tell your wife that if she wants other man so much, she can have him, as a matter of fact, you would like her to pack up her stuff and you will take her over to him. Start packing her stuff for her. If she refuses to go, then let her sleep in the spare bedroom or on the couch until she gets out.

If you're paying for her affair, stop. Don't pay for her cell phone, car, and other things she uses to conduct the affair. It's enough that you pay for your house, heat, electricity and food. Separate your finances.

If your wife does agree to work on the marriage, then do it, but verify that she remains in no contact to the extent you can.
 

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ok. that's sort of what i needed to hear, the first paragraph. gather info, file papers which name OM, serve her papers, then expose the affair. ok. that's a plan. that's what i needed, i think.
"i think".........

Your wife asked for a divorce so file.

This is not a case were she is begging you to forgive her, this is not a case were she has taken the step and having you served, this is not a case were she has moved out with Om and you guys are seperated.

Stay 1 step ahead of your wife! Having her served will bring the reality to her choice to divorce you, the seperation of assets, custody....alll the crap that she will read when she gets served will ...I hope....bring her the table to at least think twice in what she is asking for.

Get it?
 

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In a sick way, you are lucky...You have the ball in your court...Any BS who gets hard evidence is lucky because it gives you the upper hand immediately althought you do NOT feel that way. Time is of the essence.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Do re-establish the keylogger.
ok, will do

If possible you can even place a voice activated recorder(VAR) in her car. This is very important because most cheaters feel the safest inside their car so they talk about everything with all the details whether they are talking with their affair partner or a toxic friend.
ok, i will investigate the option

Were you able to determine when she's meeting up with this pos? Would a physical surveillance be possible?
WS and I have been trading staying at our home with the kids every 2-3 days. When I am there with the kids, she sees him. She also informs him when she'll be at work, where he can meet up with her to do god knows what.
 

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Remember filing and having her served is alot different then finalizing a divorce. So keep that in mind and stop thinking about it.

A coulpe of thing in the d-paper 1) name OM, 2) moral clause (OM no were near the kids) 3) full custody and all assets.

Makes these d-papers as scary as possible....the d-papers are you confrontation so make them as effective as possible.

Sure I would approach this different if your WW didn't mention divorce, but she did. So you have to take the expencesive route to bring her out of the affair fog.
 
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