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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We let a friend stay with us in our home after Thanksgiving. She was staying with family, and needed to get out of the house of 2 toddler boys of her aunts.

I started to suspect more than a friendship between them when I would come down the stairs and here one leave the room, such as the kitchen, or shift away from each other on the couch. I placed it in the back of my mind, thinking no, my husband would never cheat on me.

I had checked his facebook one day. She had responded to him "You only kissed me once, jk haha" and he responded with "(me) too close." I confronted both of them. She said it was a brotherly kiss on the cheek and she would never kiss him romantically, that it would be gross. I believed it but I did keep my guard up.

She knew that she would be staying at our home for 2 weeks or so, but would only bring a few days worth of clothes. My husband would offer to take her to get more clothes. Their trips were a little longer than picking up clothes, and coming back home. But yet again, I put my thoughts in the back of my mind. He would never cheat.

I confronted my husband about my suspicions. He reassured me nothing was going on between them. He told me I was the only woman he wanted to be with. I would never leave them alone for long periods of time. This did frustrate him to the point of an arguement.

I started to set up a voice recorder in the room when they were left alone. They never admitted to cheating. There were a few comments though that made me wonder.

Of course, she needed to go get more clothes. So I had set up the recorder in the vehicle on Monday.

I was anxious what I would listen to when he got home. I kept my anxiety to myself and took care of our daughter. I had arranged with him to have him and I time earlier in the day, since we don't have date nights anymore. He agreed that we needed our time, so he said he would go to her relative's home, and return so we could spend time together.

He came home, and we had spend time together. We also made love. I had waited until he went to sleep to listen to the recorder. Not even 5 minutes from pulling out of the driveway, he was touching her in the vehicle. 8 minutes into the recording, I couldn't listen anymore. I woke him up and confronted him. I asked him if he touched her in the vehicle. He kept asking me what was I talking about. Everything calmed down and he fell back asleep. I knew I should not have listened to the rest of the recording, but I needed to know what happened. I listened to details of what he wanted to do to her, and where they were going to have sex. They arranged to go to a park near her relative's house. He wanted to have sex in the vehicle, but she said the vehicle was too small. My heart broke even more. I woke him back up and told him that I had recorded them in the vehicle. I woke her up and confronted both of them. He was making excuses and she told me that she didn't have excuses, that she shouldn't have done it. They both professed they were sincerely sorry. I had asked if this was the only time, and my husband responded that it was the one and only time the affair had happened. After my husband following me around the house like a lost puppy for an hour, I told them both to leave.

I called her on Tuesday to find out her side and why. Monday was not the first time. They had sex 2 other times since staying with my husband and I. All of the places they had sex were familiar places we have spent as a family. That was a double stab to my heart.

My husband has shown remorse over the situation. He says it was a mistake, and he will never hurt me again. He continues to tell me he is sorry and has done everything everything I have asked him to do.

I had asked him and her if they were going to tell me. She said she wanted to tell me everything, but never could find the right time. I had mentioned to him if he didn't get caught, it would have continued. My husband did not respond (as he has no filter on his mouth) which usually means yes. I know in my heart that the affair would have not stopped if they were not caught. I feel that their remorse comes from being caught, as they were continuing the affair.

I'm lost at this point. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I don't know if I should trust his remorse. I'm seeking advise and opinions other than my family.

Thank you.
 

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Ha, hes not sorry one bit, probably sorry he got caught though. keep his ass out of the house.

Even after getting caught he still lied about it only being one time to your face.

Hes not showing remorse at all, just dear in the headlights damage control after being caught with proof that can't be waved off.

File divorce.
 

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I am going to suggest MC if you think you want to stay in this relationship. Trust is the hardest thing to rebuild and the damage done can really make matters worse. IC can help you get through it too.

Other then the divorce part (I would not ever recommend it right off the bat, I am pro marriage) I agree with Kasler. But want to add that you get H to write a NC letter to OW. She is not a friend. Friends do not sleep with your husband she is the OW!
 

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I am going to suggest MC if you think you want to stay in this relationship. Trust is the hardest thing to rebuild and the damage done can really make matters worse. IC can help you get through it too.

Other then the divorce part (I would not ever recommend it right off the bat, I am pro marriage) I agree with Kasler. But want to add that you get H to write a NC letter to OW. She is not a friend. Friends do not sleep with your husband she is the OW!
No, you don't do MC right after catching a cheater red handed, they need to be out of the marital home.

After a month or so and they drag their worthless ass back ready to do anything, then there can be MC.

Offering MC now he would think hes getting a slap on the wrist.
 

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I get that you are saying to give them the "reality scare" but really there is nothing wrong with getting on with things rather living in limbo. I am suggesting the thing to do if they want to work it out.
Seriously there are more ways then one to handle the fall out of an affair. I too think that one should separate and do MC during that separation. Just tossing out options at any rate.
 

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Sorry, but you have been set up and still being lied too. Do you really think they went from nothing to nipping out together for quickies without anything prior going on before she showed up at your door.

You where with them the entire time during the run up to the affair - there is no way it could have just started like they say. It's more likely it's been going on for quite a while, and the coming to your house to escape the relatives was a ruse to get her into the house.

Have dear cheating hubby take a polygraph before you believe a word he says.
 

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If you still love him, and are sure he made a mistake, only this once, then work on the relationship. If you doubt, than make him go and see how he reacts.
Times to come will be hard, but he gets sorry, he may need time as well to digest what he has done. Admitting to himself what he has done, it is not easy and will take time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all. I do believe this is the first time he has cheated. I haven't felt a vibe that this has been going on more than the last few weeks between them.

We do have a daughter together, and would like to work it out for her sake. I come from a divorced household, and I know first hand the emotional distress of a child of divorced parents. I just don't know about him lying to me even after he was caught.
 

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Why did he have no fear in having sex right under your nose? Especially since you had made it clear you suspected something.

Sorry, I'm of the opinion that a "first" doesn't happen this way. Not at all. He felt very comfortable in lying to your face and taking her out multiple times. It might have been a 'first' with her. But I highly doubt it was a 'first ever'.

I don't recommend MC until this issue has been cleared up. Problem is, he has no compunction in deceiving you. All you have to do is remember the night you awoke him and asked him directly. If it was a 'first' he would have been jittery, nervous, heart pounding... what did he do? .... yep fell back to peaceful slumber.

You have deeper problems than what appears on the surface IMO.
 

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I am so sorry that happened to you. It's going to be incredibly hard to regain trust after something like that. I think you should take a few days to yourself before making decisions to forgive, etc. and also to make both of them sweat it.
Did you just find out about this today? If so, take care of yourself first. I lost a lot of weight and sleep until I realized that I was letting those idiots have too much power over me. That sucks. Hope it works out.
 
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