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the devastation it causes to the self, in one fell swoop, is trauma for sure: be it emotional and/or psychological.

how can infidelity NOT be deemed emotional abuse on some level???
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Very welcome. It is a ptsd experience. I think sometimes BSs are so shocked, it takes quite a while to get up off the floor. It is also abuse...When the fog clears, not only is the WS "dead" but the BS dies too. I, a BS, became desparate in trying to find a way to channel the negative energy and massive disappointment but found there was no way out. I had to go through it, one day at a time. It took me two years, lots of reading about mistresses, how they think, WS, how they think, and also for self help. I got a little counseling and found some good online sources to try to put each shattered piece back together again. Worse was the fact that my WS is as insensitive as a block of ice and has only superficial insight into his behavior because he claims he never saw or touched the OW for the 8 years they were secretly "just friends". I finally gave up trying to get him to "speak" the truth. I told him that since she can't vaginally disconnect from our marriages, she must pay for our divorce and I am not attracted to her puppet anyway. I am now channeling all this energy into seeking a legal degree. I think that OW/OM are just as responsible for their voluntary contribution to the destruction of a marriage. I am hoping to assert for a change in my state's laws to ensure that OW/OM are held financially responsible for their actions. Since it's illegal to stab people in the backs (although they had no qualms about doing that to you figuratively), I strongly believe it's always best to stab them in the pocket.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
PS...Maybe next time they will think twice about touching a married person if they have to pay $ for their actions. These same people wonder why they can't find someone to marry them...Hello...Its because your thinking is warped and you need help. At the end of the day, people don't accidentally fall from trees onto private parts. It's an active conscious decision they made and are responsible for.
 

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"At the end of the day, people don't accidentally fall from trees onto private parts. It's an active conscious decision they made and are responsible for."

Can't help it, but this made me laugh out loud, with visions of people faling out of trees all over the place.
 

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Here's another good book on the subject. It's written with spouses of sex addicts in mind, but it is applicable to anyone who has been cheated on.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse

"Barbara Steffens' groundbreaking new research shows that partners are not codependents but post-traumatic stress victims, while Marsha Means' personal experience provides insights, strategies, and critical steps to recognize, deal with, and heal [BS's]."
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
"At the end of the day, people don't accidentally fall from trees onto private parts. It's an active conscious decision they made and are responsible for."

Can't help it, but this made me laugh out loud, with visions of people faling out of trees all over the place.
LOL!!! It is funny! That's what I had asked my WS: If the OW (another one he did admit to)accidentally fell out of a tree on his privates. It takes a great deal of cunning, selfishness, deceit, conceit (even superiority that you could get away with it) and consciencelessness to execute an affair...Laying in the same bed night after night for months/years, beside someone who trusts you, takes a great deal of self-hate and venom. They say we human beings are separated from animals because we have the power of thinking, free-will and decision-making. WSs prove this to be just a theory. Or maybe it's some kind of sex hormone excess/deficit. Some people are parented by television and eventually porn which might significantly affect their concept of reality...They strive for the imaginary/fantasy for their reality and can't deny others like themselves. They marry someone who gives them a sense of balance but the need to conform to their ingrained fantasy/reality world, with a like mind, takes over. It's so funny too, when I see a man oogling me, I immediately detract it because I KNOW something is wrong with him (because I sense he is undressing me with his eyes). Why don't WSs feel the same?
 

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I am now channeling all this energy into seeking a legal degree. I think that OW/OM are just as responsible for their voluntary contribution to the destruction of a marriage. I am hoping to assert for a change in my state's laws to ensure that OW/OM are held financially responsible for their actions. Since it's illegal to stab people in the backs (although they had no qualms about doing that to you figuratively), I strongly believe it's always best to stab them in the pocket.
There are laws on the books in many places but which are not being enforced by judges. In my state there is "alienation of affection" but nobody has been successfully sued for decades. My state senator sponsored a bill which would require infidelity or other egregious behavior be considered in awarding alimony.

So perhaps there is a shift slowly happening away from sterile no-fault cookie cutter divorces. Getting some teeth into laws going after the OM/OW would be welcome too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
There are laws on the books in many places but which are not being enforced by judges. In my state there is "alienation of affection" but nobody has been successfully sued for decades. My state senator sponsored a bill which would require infidelity or other egregious behavior be considered in awarding alimony.

So perhaps there is a shift slowly happening away from sterile no-fault cookie cutter divorces. Getting some teeth into laws going after the OM/OW would be welcome too.
I guess there may not be enough of us with enough $ to lobby for enforcement. The law does not yet want to recognize the financial repercussions to broken marriages and broken children. Child support and alimony are not much compensation. Only 7 states allow lawsuits of this nature: North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, Utah, Hawaii and Illinois. In some cases I have read that if the 2 marry, the OW/OM's income can be calculated towards an increase in child support awarded. That's a bit of music there. My WS put a dent in our finances to play games with and impress his fleeting dream of the OW, but we live in none of the 7, and the long-term Mills & Boon, roller-coaster, cookie-cutter, tv-drama romance didn't take place in any either. Hopefully when she does marry my husband, another woman's husband or ACTUALLY finds a single man to marry her, she will reap the rotten fruits of her labor. Maybe by then the pertinent laws will be fully enacted, especially since she's been there for 8 years and looks like she will be around for 8 more. These people really are pathetic. I actually am beginning to feel sorry for them. I have decided to buy an alternate device and write his name on it so that I won't actually be committing adultery too. That way I am sure I won't get their his & hers lovey-dovey STDs until she pays for my divorce.
 

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I just can't understand why they keep stating it might take up to a year to deal with the infidelity............it's going to take longer than a year me thinks!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Personally, it took me 2 years to get to where I am and it's still ongoing. One of my questions was why don't CS and OW/OM marry in the first place, while faithful people marry each other?
 
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