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Discussion Starter #1
In March 2010, my wife and I had a huge blow out during a date night. The conversation that led to an ugly argument was about finances, a topic we've never been able to discuss productively or civilly. I got so annoyed during the conversation I ended up calling her "The C Word", something I regret deeply to this day.

We agreed that we go to couples counseling to see if we can learn how to discuss the difficult topics less emotionally. The subsequent months my wife and I were getting along pretty nicely and that evening was not consistently brought up. But come fall and end of 2010, we hit a pretty significant bump in our marriage regarding various things, and now my wife consistently brings this evening up.

She is obviously not over this and I am taking accountability for being a bit of a **** (we were drinking a little that night). How best to get her forgiveness so we can just move forward.
 

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PJ I am so sorry you are having trouble getting your wife to accept your apology and to move on. I have had problems with forgiving my husband for our past problems and the breakthrough for us was using the info from a book that I found "how do I forgive you". The author is Janet abrahms and it is available as a free download from the I book app on iPhone.

Before you do anything like take the advice above and dismiss your wife, read the book. I don't think being dismissive and ignoring the fact that she still hurts is the answer. It is common to expect cheap forgiveness on the schedule of the person committing the offense and not on the schedule of the injured party. Maybe that is why so many people have stilted relationships with stiff rules and rights and wrongs. This book gave my husband and I insight into why I did not let go of my anger and hurt. It helped us to do what we needed to do to move on. You sound like my husband when we were searching for answers so that's why I responded to you post. I was alarmed at the post that suggested that you should tell her in essence to just get over it and ignore her. I doubt if people actually do the things they advise others to do or they wish they could.

I learned that when my husband showed true remorse and atoned for his contribution to the problems that I could readily forgive. I will never forget because it was painful but I know he put himself in my shoes and felt my pain along with me and was truly sorry. At some point forgiveness must be granted it is unfair to hold a person hostage for a mistake. I can think of many of my mistakes that I deeply regret. so I have to forgive others so I can forgive myself.

There is likely to be other hurts and resentments that your wife is holding onto and you are too. Why not use this as an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. You can take the leadership position as a self-possessed man and put it all on the table and vow to fight fair, take responsibility for apologizing promptly and forgiving asap. Your wife is not totally blameless she has some apologizing to do too I am sure. But first things first lead the way by really working this out and then all of the other issues.

It is easy to be childish and tell your partner just get over it but you have to wonder how authentic a marriage they have if that is what they are doing. It may seems ok from the outside or from what they say but knowing humans, there is always a price to pay for shutting the person that you love down.
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Now I understand this.

She is having an affair, as clearly shown in your other post.
She has to justify it by demonizing you.
This exists is almost ALL affairs.
She needs something to hold onto, and this "C" comment is the best she can do.

Huh.....I thought she held onto it for too long after you apologized....now it makes sense.
I am SURE that she told the OM about this exchange as well.
His response would be something along the lines "he doesn't respect you" or "he is abusive".

Dude, you got to wake up and check all this out.....silently.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Blue Sky so you think my wife is now harping on the C-Word as justification for cheating behavior, or to quell her guilt?

Based on my other post, do you think she's physically cheating, or could it also be emotionally cheating.
 

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Yes, I believe that she has cheated both physically and emotionally.
I believe she has cheated with her ex and the owner of the networking company.

Honestly, it sounds like potential serial cheating for years here.
 

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In my opinion, people usually emotionally cheat before physically cheating.

The worst your wife may have done is flirted (a lot from what you said) and gotten an emotional connection with someone else. I'm not convinced she physically cheated, but i don't know.

You need to talk about this more in counseling if possible or somehow get your wife to tell you the truth. Something has to happen since she has password protected her electronics and made it clear that she is not ok with you snooping.

There are enough stories on this site where men and women lie for decades about love, sex, EA, PA.

I really hope this turns out all right, but you need to know what happened and why this "c-word" is constantly being brought up.

Theres a few stories I have read here that I've had a hard time forgetting about. 10+ years of being happily marriage and someone wakes up to be told that their spouse never loved them, cheated on them for years, and is moving out. I don't even understand how someone could lie that much.
 

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I have heard so many stories of couples backing off their committments in life and has made their lives a whole lot easier and less stressful.

I recently had a friend who broke up with her partner as he was a constant A$$$hole about money.

She moved out, he sold the house and then they got back together again and are now just renting and both admit they havn't been happier since they first got together.

Financial pressures can put a lot of unneccesary pressure on a relationship.

Sell your house if you have one and buy a cheaper house.
Sell your cars if they have money owing on the them and buy cheaper cars, reduce payments or try and pay cash.

That should make things less stressful and the fact you called.

But seriously the 'C... word'
Dude, control your anger!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Yeah, I lost my cool. I take accountability, although will say that alcohol and the empty stomach could have contributed.

I love my wife. She's a special individual and we've been married 14years. I wouldn't do anything inentional to hurt her. She's tough to argue with as she has her own style that can be difficult to deal with sometimes, but yeah, the C-Word should not have been thrown.

All I can hope is that she'll see that maybe in this case "it was just a word thrown out of frustration" and that I don't in any way think of her as derogatory as the name would imply.

I've promised my wife this will never happen again. All I can hope is she'll forgive and trust.
 

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After reading the "man up" threads, I totally agree with the "apologize once" bit.

She keeps bringing it up because it is WORKING. Its an ace in her sleeve. Whenever she needs some extra ammo, she pulls that one out. Every time that ace gets you offer her back, guarantees she will use it again.

YOU are giving that night its power, not her.

If she pulls the ace out, and you simply do NOT let it back you down, she will no longer be able to use it.

OK for some stupid reason that old episode of Full House where Stephanie wants Michelle to leave the room, so she threatens to call the "hairy scary monster" by saying its name 3 times. Michelle believes it will work and runs away, but later learns that it won't. Stephanie tries calling the monster and Michelle stands firm. Power defeated!

If you really want to rub it in, you can also remind your wife that every time she brings that up, it is proof she has nothing else of value, and that she is also proving your diagnosis was correct.

Plus, that word is dropped two or three times per episode in shows like True Blood, and Spartacus.
 

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I never understood the hole "c" word thing. In fact in all honesty it kind of urks me with the how much some woman hate it. I was glad the girls at work thought the word was funny and agreed with me on it, it turned out to be an inside joke with work for many years.
 

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If she keeps bringing it up then it probably means that she is just using that one event to vent about a hell of a lot more. She has resentment, and it is not just about the C word. The trick is finding out what is really bothering her and it may be difficult to place into any single thing. I have been that woman. When I brought up one thing that stood out, it was usually because something attached to that moment has been repeated over and over (not the moment but maybe what lead to it?)

Example: There was a situation in which my ex disrespected me through allowing his children to completely disrespect my personal property. Now yes, he apologized for that incident, but.... Several other seperate and different incidents occured in which I felt exactly the same way, but since the one was the most "in your face and obvious" I would bring it back up to make that point, since he did not seem to get how i felt the general behaviour was constantly being repeated.

Not sure that relates, but it's just an example of my own practice of being that woman and why the past was brought up. It wasn;t the moment, but a behaviour.
 
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