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Best way to divorce my wife...

903K views 1K replies 185 participants last post by  BetrayedDad 
#1 ·
I recently found out my wife has been sleeping with her boss (how cliche) for the last six months. She doesn't know I know yet but she suspects something is wrong. (I'm not a pathelogical liar like she is and can't hide my emotions as well.)

My attorney basically told me it would be in my best interest, and in getting joint custody of my children, to do this as civilized as possible. He told me to wait until the next marriage counselling session, which is a week from now :( and announce it to her then.

The boss is married so I really want to tell his wife (who just had a baby not long ago mind you) but I'm hesitant now because it will only piss her off and drag this out longer than it needs to be. He said if I decide to make this ugly from the get go then it will cost me big down the road.

Suggestions? If I report them to the bosses wife and their HR dept will it be worth the blowback of a custody and house battle over a short term revenge gratification on my part? It's killing me trying to be the bigger person when I was being treated like a jerk for so long.
 
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#8 ·
Might ask you lawyer what he means by "cost more down the road", is he saying that meaning more in headaches and issues, loss of money, etc. This is a very broad statement and could mean anything. Get further clarification on what he means and decide then if it is worth the "added expense" to you.
 
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#9 ·
It really depends on what your goal is.
If your goal is the best divorce settlement possible, then listen to your attorney.

Sometimes, exposing an affair and threatining the bosses's life and job causes him to dump your wife like a ton of bricks, therefore ending the affair. When the affiair is killed, sometimes that allows for a reconciliation. But there are no guarantees to anything.
 
#11 ·
Sometimes, exposing an affair and threatining the bosses's life and job causes him to dump your wife like a ton of bricks, therefore ending the affair. When the affiair is killed, sometimes that allows for a reconciliation. But there are no guarantees to anything.
I'm convinced sooner or later the boss is going to dump my wife anyway. This is not the first subordinate he has hooked up with. My wife has also had an EA in the past so as much as I don't really want to do this, why reconcile? I can't be in a marriage where I don't trust the person and if it wasn't him, it will probably be someone else.
 
#10 ·
Expose the POS to his BW at least.

You know that if it was her with the info you would definitely want her to inform you.

You can wait til after you get the D outcome you want finalized before going to HR.

But after that, you absolutely should expose this scumbag to HR at the company as well. He just helped destroy your M and your children's family life. Ruin this trash. He fully deserves it.

It is appropriate justice both for yourself and for what he did to your children.
 
#14 ·
Expose the POS to his BW at least.

You know that if it was her with the info you would definitely want her to inform you.
I'm torn because while your 100% right, she could make me getting custody a nightmare, because I drove her fling away.

All I care about now are the children.
 
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#15 ·
Tread carefully. I'm in a similiar situation in not doing much to piss my STBXW off. She can get and has been nasty in the past and this time she has told me she doesn't wan't anything from me. Don't believe it for a second but will play nice until after everything is settled. I also hope the rage and hatred subside at that time. I just want her to get out of my life, I will deal with her about our children but that is it.
 
#16 ·
I think the lawyer is saying you bargain non-exposure in hopes of a settlement well in your favor as far as estate and custody goes. If she so much as twitches you go nuclear, and after it was all signed and done the OMW would still find out somehow if it was me:)
 
#18 ·
I would tell the OW however that is me !!! damn the consequences or threats , you could post them on cheaterville anonymously. I would also separate your funds before i did it , like open a separate checking acct under your name only then spring it on her more than likely she will just lie to ya anyway thats what she has been doing so far. We teach people how to treat us I believe set your boundaries and go for it you have nothing to lose at this point

Good Luck
 
#20 ·
I hope i am not too late...

Dont do anything dumb! If you play your cards right, you will come out on top of all this!

1. Separate your finances RIGHT NOW - Create a separate bank account!
2. DO NOT leave your house - it will get rough but stand your ground if you want to avoid getting screwed
3. Record conversations - record any violent outbursts and any arguments where she is treating you like a jerk
4. Get her out of your life/medical/auto insurance if possible
5. Remove her access to all credit line that is in your name
6. Change your email, work email, messenger apps, ipad... every single password she may know!
7. GET A LAWYER and FILE FIRST!

At this point there should be little if any emotional attachment going on on your side, she has obviously lost the feelings she once had and you cannot let that get the best of you.

Under no circumstances:
1. Be rude to her - let her show the bad attitude, rudeness, etc...
2. Have sexual intercourse with her - once the divorce proceedings are in place and if she is vindictive she can cause you a WHOLE lot of trouble for a night of stupidity on your part.

The whole point now is that if she is cheating on you, then she is having her cake and eating it too - The moment you shatter her little fantasy, she will turn on you and rip your world apart worse than she already has.


=============

I hate to sound like a woman hater lol (believe me i love women!) but a scorned woman is something to be scared of lol

=============

I was in your situation
Married
2 young kids
house, car, cat, dog, debt...

Wife wanted a divorce but i was ready for her this time - i will simply leave it at that.

I currently have temporary custody of my kids as we finalize proceedings and while she filed first i got my wits about me early on and have so far come out on top of all of this!

If you are looking for custody
Keep in mind that nowdays the whole thing about men not being able to raise their kids properly is nothing but old school mentality! you helped make those kids and if you feel that you are a better option for them then fight for your chance - the playing field has been leveled as of the last few years and a Divorce is no longer an agreement as to how bad the man gets screwed!
 
#31 ·
Although for the most part this is good advice, talk to your lawyer before jumping to any decisions. What is stated above is not true for all states and conditions. In my state, it is fine to have sex with the WS, but if you say you forgive them, then it is a whole different ball game and the adultery is considered a moot point. Also, just because custody has become more progressive, not all states follow that premise and it could end up causing big issues in the end. My state still makes adultery a criminal offense, as well as a grounds for immediate denial of alimony in divorces. It also allows for lawsuits against the AP. You need to sit down and cover all of your bases with your lawyer. It will cost you some of his time (and your money to cover his time) but it is better to know in advance because if she is vindictive, there is no do over granted.
 
#21 ·
I would be slow to tell Company HR - What outcome are you hoping for - that he'd be fired? His wife just had a baby - why put her under financial pressure - let her report him to his employer if she wants to. If you're hoping that your W will lose her job - well won't that mean that it will cost you more in a settlement? Calm clear thinking is paramount. Good luck
 
#274 ·
Why....she is better off without him. New baby or not, Would you want your spouse to hold something so precious in their arms at the same time he/she is screwing someone else and lying about it?he dude made his bed and should learn to accept all of the pain he is causing and will cause.
 
#23 ·
The lawyer also told me if I piss her off and she decides to leave with the kids then 9 times out of 10 I can't stop her. She's the mother and is considered the nurturing parent so I'd have to file an emergency injuction and it will get ugly fast. That's her only play so it's a cold war standoff in my mind.
 
#25 ·
Some of that is true - Dont piss her off until it is a last resort

Get your shizz together - if she leaves w/o the kids it can be bad for her, if she leaves with the kids it can still be bad for her!

Which brings the point I brought up - dont leave the house, dont give in! Carry on about your business and get your ducks in a row!

Kicking her out is not an option as she is likely to take the kids, leaving is not an option because she could claim abandonment - Even if it needs 6 months to legally be considered as such! The simple fact you are leaving your marital home can cost you a lot of grief and time with your kids.

Also keep in mind that adultery is cause for an "at fault" divorce and even though some states do not recognize it, if you play your cards properly some judges will see the wrong and treat it as such giving you at least a better position with him.

When you file first you get to set yourt terms!

Ask that the kids remain in the marital home with you, and leave her the option to stay or go!

Make sure a morality clause is there and above it all make it clear that the other dude is not allowed in your house at any time.

its sort of like a chess match - you make your move first adn wait to see what her move is, but overall having the first go at setting the rules is HUGE!
 
#27 ·
I would not tell HR if I were you. If she gets fired it could go wrong for you in alimony or child support for you. Remember Turds of a Feather Fvck Together.

Let them lie in there own crap. There are different theories for how to deal with the children. I have to say that I have been honest with mine and although I pay a huge amount of child support and only have joint custody, my relationship is much better with them than their mother's is. Be honest with them and if they ask a really hard question, answer it honestly.
 
#32 ·
I already have concrete proof but my attorney told me unless she was spending marital assets on him (he buys the hotel rooms) or having an undue influence on my kids (they have never met him) then there is no benefit in using adultery other than being a longer road.

Apparently in my state you can be considered a bad wife but a good mom. How f***ed up is that???
 
#30 ·
Why do you think for even a second that she's not going to demand and fight for everything, regardless of you exposing or not?

Almost every guy who thinks he's going to be nice and get a good deal finds out that not only is their wife cheating, but she also feels entitled to the kids , spousal support, the house, and half the money.

Carlton played this game just like you, and it didn't give him any advantage at the table - his wife still demanded everything and the kids.

Right now she feels strong and supported bupy her OM. Someone who feels strong and confident is always bad to negotiate with.

Btw, attorneys often advise against exposure etc, not because it makes their clients case stronger, but because it makes the lawyers job easier to do without fighting and drama. They just want a fast clean legal process, whereas you might have other goals.
 
#36 ·
This!


Obviously TAM represents a skewed sample but I have seen very few, if any cases, where when the chips are down the wayward spouse goes easy on the betrayed spouse.

Shaggy mentioned Carlton but straight off the top of my head I can think of Eric whose wife was super sorry and didn't want anything but changed her tune as the divorce loomed.

I'm not saying to ignore the lawyers advice, that after all is what you pay them for.

Just take heed of Shaggy's post.
 
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