BD,

That's a great confrontation plan. Definitely try to keep your sources unknown if possible.

But I agree, make sure to get that confession.

Best wishes to you my friend.

 

Lawyers tend to be non-confrontational in matters of disclosure. They typically like things not to go messy and in regards to A's and D, when emotions take over, it is good to have an attorney walk you through the steps. Mine was great and warned me what to do and what not to do. I heeded most of his advice and some of the things I did was prior to meeting with him, which he stated were illegal, Like the VAR in my wife's car. He also told me not to worry about it.

In our state, exposing the A, does not help much in the final D, as we are no-fault, but infidelity is a factor in determining spousal support, which can be given during the time the D is filed till the time D is finalized. Typically spousal support is denied if infidelity is proven. As my attorney explained to me, we win the battle but lose the war, in that infidelity is a factor for spousal support, but will have little bearing in the outcome of alimoney in the final D decree.

 

I have a feeling like in most cases you'll try to be civil but most likely you will have to go b@lls to the wall scorched earth. Because of course it will be all your fault.

 

My attorney was a female (a great suggestion from a friend who went through this) i filed first and drive the show. My attorney was extremely thorough and very good at offense.

Never underestimate the power of keeping a journal about you and your children's activities. The moment I produced a detailed journal to my attorney she called opposing counsel and we had a deal the same day after two months of squabbling.

 

Keep a record of your wife's exploits also. Try and make your own timeline and the amt of time she has been away from her kids when she was playing with the posom.

Imho it is cruel to keep this info from the omw. You have to live with this call forever. Not telling her is also lying by omission.

 

If you can scan all your proof onto a computer and transfer everything to a flash drive they are dirt cheap now. Maybe even 2 to be safe.

 

Very good point. No telling how she will react. Might wanna stash certain valuables.

 

If your lawyer specifically told you point blank that you will have to pay a lot more if she loses her job then don't expose. But if the judge looks at her earning power and until recently was working, I think that has a big bearing that she wasn't along term sahm. Personally I would at least inform the omw when you file but that is a big decision and only yours.

 

Just do me a favor and read multiple threads where the bs gets screwed because they didn't expose. I say this with no disrespect they tell newbies in AA this. "You are not alone and you're not special" In other words don't think "Oh she won't do that to me?"

 

Exposure is not for revenge after the divorce. Exposure is a tool to kill an affair.

Revenge, and the being happy feeling that the BS gets from exposing the WS and the AP is a side effect, not the reason for exposure.

To expose after the divorce is pointless because there is no longer a marriage to save.

 

TheRoad, he has no intentions of saving his marriage. He wants out on the best terms possible for him as he's been down this road before.

I think I inadvertently hit the like button on a post that contradicts what I'm saying now, but I'm in the camp that he should play his cards pretty close to the vest until he has a signed agreement from her.....and hopefully before the gavel drops and papers are signed.

Then nuke the living fvck out of it.

 

Divorce is a negotiation.

Never negotiate with a person who feels confident and in control because they will feel they have the upper stronger hand, they have options, and they have time and power to drag things out.

Instead, what you want is someone that is desperate to settle, to get a deal and to move on, you want them unhappy, and frankly emotional , because emotional people rush and make mistakes.

This is why I favor nuclear exposure especially when it's at work.

Poor Eric went through all this same logic , even though I tried my best to persuade him otherwise. He didn't expose his wife or her boss that she was banging. No he's still paying through the nose, the ass boss got a nice big promotion, etc. he got left holding the bag while his cheating wife and her boss got away with it.

Edit to add:

Destroy the other army, then ask for surrender. It never works the other way around.

 

From were I'm sitting your confrontation during MC has no quarentees, and you just might come out of this next session like Jack Nicholson in the end of the movie "One Flow Over The Coo Nest!

My thinking is you have an expectation that may just not happen. In fact, at the end of the day you know she is screwing around and she knows you know she is screwing around.....

You just might have to walk out of the session with the simble thought that you will no longer share your wife.

IDK..but I have a feeling you could walk in on WW and OM going at it and your old lady would tell you "its not what it seems" and deny until her dying days....I could be wrong.

 

I don't understand the significance of waiting until MC and PAYING someone else to be there to tell your wife something you already know. Did you need a third party witness? What if she denies it? Now your counselor will want to work through the evidence and 'issues' to come get to a way through this.

However...it will also make your wife behave herself, so I suppose that's not a bad way. It seems a fancy restaurant would be cheaper and just as safe, particularly if you arrange for you both to get there in two different cars.

Heck, do it at lunch so she goes to her paramour an absolute wreck in the afternoon. Let him feel the chill winds against his neck.

But waiting waiting waiting...gives her time for damage control.

 

I just want to clear up a few points...

1) I'm not concerned about money as much as I am custody of the kids. It's the only reason I'm being cautious. I don't want a fight on 50/50 custody and she could leave with the kids anytime $hit hits the fan and I can't do a damn thing to stop her until court.

2) From what I have gathered based on my intel, they seem content to continue this affair behind our backs for at least the rest of the year, perhaps longer (Though they "claim" to be getting impatient). OMW just had a baby so that's his excuse. My father died a month ago and I guess it would be bad timing to dump me (like she's doing me a favor) so that's hers.

3) At the end of the day, I think my wife is delusional enough to believe this fantasy is real. My gut tells me this guy is playing her but who knows. All I know is if he is not ready to leave the new born baby then that's leverage I can use. After six months of this going on, what difference does it make if I blow it up now or a few months later? She will try to protect him and I can use that to get her to cooperate. I don't mean to sound cold and the OMW will find out but my kids come first.

 

I just want to clear up a few points...

1) I'm not concerned about money as much as I am custody of the kids. It's the only reason I'm being cautious. I don't want a fight on 50/50 custody and she could leave with the kids anytime $hit hits the fan and I can't do a damn thing to stop her until court.

Lawyer up and the WW can't leave the state. If needed you can file for divorce and then have your lawyer stall.

 

Where did you get the info your wife can leave and take your kids. It doesn't sound like you have talked to a lawyer.

 

You need a new lawyer. There hasn't been one case here that I remember where a spouse was even allowed to leave the counyty withthe kids. File now, you are just shooting yourself in the foot being coy, waiting, accepting the situation.

 

The lawyer in me (not a divorce lawyer) agrees. Taking the kids out of the home is one thing, but taking them out of state is a big no no. On another website, a Illinois divorce lawyer went over child custody issues. According to him, the two worst possible things any estranged parent can do pre divorce to insure the other parent get custody is (1) make it difficult for the other parent to see the kids and (2) denigrate the other parent.

WWHT

 

Read the threads here. The men that are tough, jump on this crap withboth feet come out fine. The guys that hesitate, procrastinate , wring their hands, try to be nice, deny, beg , plead, look backward, all get their asses handed to them.

The first thing is to expose and knock both their silly asses off the limb.

You really think a man with a new baby and another small kid is going to give up his life for a cheating woman no one can trust.

You are either going to throw punches or take them on the chin and lose everything. We see your plan here over and over here, show me when it has worked.

 

You really think a man with a new baby is going to give up his life for a cheating woman no one can trust.

I really appreciate what your saying, I do. I understand your advise. If I was 100% certain the OM would stay with the OMW, I'd nuke them right now. I'm not trying to save this marriage. Any person who would do this someone is the lowest form of scum in my book. I would NEVER trust her again.

And it's not like I can read this guys mind. As unlikely as it is, maybe he will just leave her in which case exposure will just have sped up the inevitable and burn any leverage I have. Further, now that the wife is pissed off because I have shattered the fantasy, what stops her from getting revenge and using the child custody as a tool to do so?

Nuking is always on the table. Leverage isn't.

 

You definitely need another lawyer. There's absolutely no reason he shouldn't file the divorce and request an injunction to prevent her taking the kids at the same time.

The lawyer you have doesn't have your best interests in mind, he's just looking to do it the easiest way possible. He wants you to pay him to fill out the forms, nothing more.

Get someone that will fight for you.

 

BD, You without a doubt need fresh legal opinions. What your lawyer is telling you sounds to me like advice from some dude in a bar who is a bit out out of touch and speaks in generalities from things he read in a tabloid in the 1980's. The idea that your wife can just walk away with the kids and there is not a damn thing you can do about it is quite frankly a crock of BS. Injunctions are filed every day to stop just that and they work. In divorce the judge will decide what is in the best interests of the KIDS, not your wife.

Please do some research in your area and find out who are the top divorce attorneys. Then get a consultation from all of them. Most will be free Some may cost you but do it. Once you get a free consultation they will be barred from representing your wife. Then file for divorce with a injunction stating she cannot move from the area until custody has settled.

 

I am a little confused. You say your fear is that if you expose, he will dump his wife and take up with yours. If you divorce her, and you state you are, then that decision of what happens in her life afterwards isn't your business anymore.

And if she is in a rush to be with him, she will WANT to make the divorce as fast as possible.

Your reasoning seems a bit contradictory or I don't understand it.

 

Some states are no fault divorce states. Many are fault/ no fault and some are really harsh on cheaters. What state do you live in.

You can get a lot of info and links at dadsdivorce.com.

If you expose, be prepared for your wife to come crawling back wanting to reconcile. This happens a lot.

 

BD, there is a lot of advice here that reflects different trends.

1) the general TAM hard line (expose and seek moral satisfaction). This is often ignored by the BS because of weakness. In such cases, the BS pays an even higher price to resolve the collapsed marriage. However, you are not vacillating over reconciliation of lost love. So, you do not fit the paralyzed BS paradigm.

2) There are several posts that urge exploitation of the WW's delusional believe in the affair's future. The may work but only if the OM keeps the affair alive. There is no guarantee that this will happen. Once you file for divorce, the OM may dump her and she may try to renegotiate long before it becomes final.

There is no foolproof approach.

That said there seems no reason to seek a confession during MC if that is for psychological satisfaction. Will it make her pliant in divorce negotiations?

re: your lawyer
Sounds like a wuss who doesn't know the law that well.

re: Eric
I PM'd Eric and asked him to update his thread. It would be interesting to know how it worked out.

re: OMW
Doesn't she need to know? This is moral dilemma. You are seeking to maximize your outcome but denying her the same opportunity. Note she is very vulnerable.

re: HR
Your wife might be able to file a suit against her employer for sexual harassment. Depends on how brassy she is. Her boss ought to get fired but she is not a certain victim.

Life is not simple. The simple approaches sometimes work great. But you need to judge your chances.

 

You need to get a better lawyer. I recommend a woman lawyer. They are better at divorce cases than male lawyers. The lady who handled my recent divorce did a smash up job and took care of me when my ex-wife's male lawyer was trying to gouge me for alimony. Your lawyer sounds like he's just out for a paycheck. Fire his sorry azz.
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Can you come up with an alternative believable story about how you got the data? For example, your friend Fred saw her and Joe going into the Motel 69 on February 7th. She doesn't have to know you had GPS on her car or you keylogged the computer, or whatever else it was that gave you the data. As long as she and Joe really were at that motel on that date she will know you have solid data.

The other thing you could do is just say a few specific words. The OM's name. A place or a date. Sex in the car in a particular parking lot. Enough that she will know you know, without giving away your source.

 

File D papers first and an injunction on moving the kids at the same time.

Hand them to her when you confront.

Use the threat of exposure to HR at their work for your leverage in resolving the D to get what you want.

And call the POS's BW before confronting. This scumbag will then be so busy desperately trying to save his own a** he won't be able to sit back and help support her from a comfortable and safe spot while you are ending your M.

In fact, he will probably throw your W under the bus and she will end up getting simultaneously dumped by both of you.

 

Update: I exposed the affair. She was shocked and upset by it. We are going to file a joint petition for divorce this week. I haven't threated exposure yet because for the moment she is agreeing to favorable terms. I will expose after we file. She said she needs time to "work on herself and the kids" and is planning to put the affair on hold. However, she continues to text him and she sees him at work everyday. While she's upset she's losing the stability of the marriage and says she loves me, she doesn't seem quite ready or is unable to let go of the fantasy. I haven't 100% ruled out R yet but for the moment the divorce is still moving forward...

She's not really leaving me any choice as much as I don't want to do it.

 

Update: I exposed the affair. She was shocked and upset by it. We are going to file a joint petition for divorce this week. I haven't threated exposure yet because for the moment she is agreeing to favorable terms. I will expose after we file. She said she needs time to "work on herself and the kids" and is planning to put the affair on hold. However, she continues to text him and she sees him at work everyday. While she's upset she's losing the stability of the marriage and says she loves me, she doesn't seem quite ready or is unable to let go of the fantasy. I haven't 100% ruled out R yet but for the moment the divorce is still moving forward...

She's not really leaving me any choice as much as I don't want to do it.

You have lost me here. You exposed? To whom?

 

she hasn't put the affiar on hold if she sees him and texts him.