Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Trying to accept that the divorce is going through and not wanting to let go! Any tips to make this easier? Something in me still tells me we can "R" even if "D" goes through.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
I live with the same feeling even though my wife doesn't want to see my face ever again......let alone talk to me.
Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean we can take the W for granted.

My case is a little different because I married someone with very high NPD/BPD traits who wouldn't hesitate to venture outside the marriage to find validation. I was the one who was neglected emotionally in the marriage. At the end it didn't matter how much I bent over backwards to please her.

She could care less if I was homeless, because everything is about 'her'.

What I found is that eases my pain is the fact she is dating someone now and they get the pleasure of her misery. I know she will never have a last relationship, she isn't capable of it.

That has proven itself in her past and present.

My mind knows she is no good. The problem is convincing your heart.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
78 Posts
Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean we can take the W for granted.QUOTE]

I think you are right brother but I did not take my wife for granted or may be I did.

May be I did not understand her feelings, she would always say please talk to my parents and I would ignore her request and I know that hurt the most.

But still that is not the reason to break a marriage. It is so difficult to comprehend how a woman's mind changes in a jiffy that she wouldn't even care if you are alive or dead whereas at one point of time she was ready to die for you.....

Women are complicated very complicated....

Zappy......
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean we can take the W for granted.QUOTE]

I think you are right brother but I did not take my wife for granted or may be I did.

May be I did not understand her feelings, she would always say please talk to my parents and I would ignore her request and I know that hurt the most.

But still that is not the reason to break a marriage. It is so difficult to comprehend how a woman's mind changes in a jiffy that she wouldn't even care if you are alive or dead whereas at one point of time she was ready to die for you.....

Women are complicated very complicated....

Zappy......
I believe you are probably much younger than I (I'm 50). But I will say this. When I look back on my past relationship I always told them that if there was a problem please let me know and don't hold it in.

That never happened.. They would hold it in and let if fester.. then when it did come out the relationship was too far gone to save.

I am very open when I have a problem with something in a relationship. The ones I picked liked to keep things inside to 'keep the piece.'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,705 Posts
Trying to accept that the divorce is going through and not wanting to let go! Any tips to make this easier? Something in me still tells me we can "R" even if "D" goes through.
Easier?

Accept it for what it is and move on.

As long as you still cling to hope and assumptions you will continue to torture yourself.

It's all under your control.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,705 Posts
Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean we can take the W for granted.

My case is a little different because I married someone with very high NPD/BPD traits who wouldn't hesitate to venture outside the marriage to find validation. I was the one who was neglected emotionally in the marriage. At the end it didn't matter how much I bent over backwards to please her.

She could care less if I was homeless, because everything is about 'her'.

What I found is that eases my pain is the fact she is dating someone now and they get the pleasure of her misery. I know she will never have a last relationship, she isn't capable of it.

That has proven itself in her past and present.

My mind knows she is no good. The problem is convincing your heart.
If your mind really knew it.

You wouldn't have to convince any part of you.

Bending over backwards for anyone to please them is also a bad trait to have.

Giving to get will not last long.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,705 Posts
I believe you are probably much younger than I (I'm 50). But I will say this. When I look back on my past relationship I always told them that if there was a problem please let me know and don't hold it in.

That never happened.. They would hold it in and let if fester.. then when it did come out the relationship was too far gone to save.

I am very open when I have a problem with something in a relationship. The ones I picked liked to keep things inside to 'keep the piece.'
That's there problem.

Not yours.

Set your boundaries and live by them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
If your mind really knew it.

You wouldn't have to convince any part of you.

Bending over backwards for anyone to please them is also a bad trait to have.

Giving to get will not last long.
That's the problem.. I am actually kind of embarrassed for doing this. At my age (50) you'ld think I would know better.

My previous wife and I had a very stable relationship. We just ended up not having the same interest anymore and drifted apart.

In this one I went from confident to beta.....My codependence kicked in and I had no clue about BPD/BPD traits until just a few months ago when I researched it.

In counseling the therapist mentioned 'Borderline' but I didn't lock onto that or ask her to elaborate.

I was so in love with this woman I couldn't see anything through the fog..

I have learned a lot in the last few months.

Looking back it was the perfect storm. She is a barbed wire tornado to men.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,705 Posts
That's the problem.. I am actually kind of embarrassed for doing this. At my age (50) you'ld think I would know better.

My previous wife and I had a very stable relationship. We just ended up not having the same interest anymore and drifted apart.

In this one I went from confident to beta.....My codependence kicked in and I had no clue about BPD/BPD traits until just a few months ago when I researched it.

In counseling the therapist mentioned 'Borderline' but I didn't lock onto that or ask her to elaborate.

I was so in love with this woman I couldn't see anything through the fog..

I have learned a lot in the last few months.

Looking back it was the perfect storm. She is a barbed wire tornado to men.
So you feel if you knew about (picked up on) the BPD traits that you could have done things differently?

Granted, all actions have consequences (good and bad) but that does not mean you had the ability to control the future.

What others say and do are up to them, regardless if they are reacting to something you said or did or not.

Being able to see things for what they are and not take every little thing personally makes a huge difference.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Take what you've been through and learned and apply it to the future.

Labels are a horrid way to live life though, it's very restricting.

I have lived half the life you have (only 28) but age has nothing to do with it Ostera.

All that means is you have plenty more to go on than most.

It's only hindering if you allow it to be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
So you feel if you knew about (picked up on) the BPD traits that you could have done things differently?

Granted, all actions have consequences (good and bad) but that does not mean you had the ability to control the future.

What others say and do are up to them, regardless if they are reacting to something you said or did or not.

Being able to see things for what they are and not take every little thing personally makes a huge difference.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Take what you've been through and learned and apply it to the future.

Labels are a horrid way to live life though, it's very restricting.

I have lived half the life you have (only 28) but age has nothing to do with it Ostera.

All that means is you have plenty more to go on than most.

It's only hindering if you allow it to be.
I am really not trying to label.. I suppose I really just want to 'identify' those types of traits.. I had no clue regarding personality disorders because I never really was on a position to have to deal with them.

Now in the future when I meet someone who is so selfish and emotionally abusive I won't stick around and try to 'fix' anything.

So I a way I can control the future once these disorders surface.

I am by no means over my stbxw yet. I gave her so much of myself that when she split I felt like she took a lot of me with her. It is getting better though.. I'm on month 3. The holidays don't make it any better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
Move on with your life. If she comes back into the picture in the future, go with it. But most likely, you would have moved on to someone better and she won't even be an option anymore.

Life goes on.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top