Talk About Marriage banner
41 - 60 of 77 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,733 Posts
Ugh.

You sound like a roommate instead of a supposed' domestic partner.' Jesus, just the fact that you call it an 'enterprise' really says it all.

Go find yourself a roommate you can nickel and dime to death and let her go to find someone who isn't so busy keeping score that he forgets it's an actual RELATIONSHIP. Sheesh.
This is one of those times I wish we could hear both sides.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #42 ·
Ugh.

You sound like a roommate instead of a supposed' domestic partner.' Jesus, just the fact that you call it an 'enterprise' really says it all.

Go find yourself a roommate you can nickel and dime to death and let her go to find someone who isn't so busy keeping score that he forgets it's an actual RELATIONSHIP. Sheesh.
"Enterprise" ha. I really did say that? oh well... just a word, right?

This is one of those times I wish we could hear both sides.
She'd probably start by saying she had to make way more compromises in the relationship by moving to the suburbs, putting up with my kids every other weekend, and being in a house she never wanted to live in and didn't choose.

Then she'd claim I wasn't up front about all this, and I'm way more difficult to live with than she expected, and while I do help out with the baby and household duties, her mom had a housekeeper and nanny and she's doing all this herself, and it's not fair. Plus I knew she liked to travel and that was "important" to her, and we've only been on one fun trip that didn't involve seeing family since the baby was born, and she had to insist on it.

Then if she was really feeling uncharitable, she'd go into a laundry list of personal insults about me.

I'm expecting her to launch into all that if/when in a year I present a household budget she doesn't like, or I put my foot down on taking vacations or buying new furniture for the house until I'm able to pay off the credit card debt I've incurred, and rebuild my emergency savings fund, and start contributing to my 401K again.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,733 Posts
You seem so angry with her. I get what you’re trying to do, and I don’t know what I’d do in your spot. I just can’t imagine this is going to end well. It just seems like you really don’t like or respect her at all. 😔 I’m sorry it worked out this way. Neither of you are going to be happy.

I do think you should prep and protect yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #45 · (Edited)
You seem so angry with her. I get what you’re trying to do, and I don’t know what I’d do in your spot. I just can’t imagine this is going to end well. It just seems like you really don’t like or respect her at all. 😔 I’m sorry it worked out this way. Neither of you are going to be happy.
Well... we're both committed to making it work. But yeah, I'm angry (resentful more maybe) at how she's behaved.

And I think she had an idea her life would be more glamorous at this juncture than it was.

I can make an allowance for some of that; nothing can really prepare you for the stress and adjustment to parenthood, and I've gone through it before and she hasn't.

Still, she knew about my obligations to my kids and she saw how I lived and the standard of living I could afford. So I don't think she's been fair to me when she brings that stuff up. And I don't know whether to dismiss it as part of her adjustment to motherhood, or whether it's a more insidious red flag to try to get me to put her and our child ahead of my other kids.

And since we had a kid together and she stopped working, I'm shouldering a lot more of a financial burden, and so have been considering how other couples split things (when both are working), to see how we could function better, given how financial issues have been so detrimental to our relationship.

This thread took a WAY more negative tone and vibe than I expected though.

I forget how happy we were & how
much fun we had before we moved in together sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #46 ·
I read through some other threads on the topic here, and realize I might have come off as some miserly bean counter, or somebody who scrutinizes receipts and tries to control their partner.

I'm absolutely not like that, and have not been that way. I always "round up" when she asks for money, and understand it feels good to spend and it sucks to have to worry about money.

It's on the "big ticket" items where I've become concerned, and also on spending in general that I think we need to tighten our belt so to speak.

and those talks with her often get unnecessarily emotional, and I feel like she drags other issues into it, instead of agreeing on some hard numbers.

Until she goes back to work, we're going to need to suck it up and make do with less each month. And she seems okay with that, b/c she really wanted "us" to buy a house.

I'm more concerned with how we arrange things AFTER she goes back to work, since our discussions on that back when were more tense than I would have liked, and because she's been out of work most of the time we've been living together, we never really had to work on a shared budget plan.

so that's why I asked...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,121 Posts
I read through some other threads on the topic here, and realize I might have come off as some miserly bean counter, or somebody who scrutinizes receipts and tries to control their partner.
I didn't make that assumption based on what you wrote. However, I personally twitch at the language of you 'putting your foot down' about furniture and such as it comes across like you're treating her like a child in sentiments like that. Granted, also from your words, she doesn't sound particularly savvy about financial responsibility either. Side note, I was surprised about her coming from wealth; if it is indeed that. Reason being, people that I know who I would consider proper wealthy, as in old-money, are typically pretty frugal. One wouldn't know on the surface with how they present that they are of old-money wealth, and are typically savvy with decisions on how to protect that.

That observation aside, and having not been in your shoes with building a relationship post-divorce and with children, I'd personally think if not combined everything then perhaps a shared account where you just each put in an amount when she's working again and that 'shared pot' is where the bills and expenses and travel (yes, include in the budget room for realistic trips and niceties) are paid from. You both need to establish and be across said budget as basic math of what comes in and what goes out and hopefully with shared understanding that that's about you being a team together. I haven't included thoughts about assets or investments, as it comes across like you both need to just get to basics. I think you 'account' for that contributions as a team does not necessarily need to be financial, depending on your circumstances, yet approaching the finances together in a way that's not finger pointing or condescending or anything negative or hairy and scary, and instead transparently and supportively has you working together (whatever that means as determined by both of you) for what is needed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
553 Posts
with a 1 yr old, we're through the hardest part of raising a child.
I take it you don't have teenagers? :LOL:

I'd also consider how miserably she's made at least one of my weekends monthly this past year.
Maybe you should go into more detail here. This sounds as if it might be a bigger issue, rather than things just being about money....

she's been out of work most of the time we've been living together
You mean while having and taking care of a new baby? Your language sounds so resentful, as if you expected her to get her butt back to work the second the baby was born.

I get that relationships can't be one-sided and that you don't want to be taken advantage of either. Still, it's like someone mentioned earlier, you sound so angry and as if you really don't like (much less love) or respect her at all. I don't think you've said once that you love her.

Do you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #52 · (Edited)
I take it you don't have teenagers? :LOL:
Not yet... but at least teenagers will let you sleep in, right? under 1's... not so much.

Maybe you should go into more detail here. This sounds as if it might be a bigger issue, rather than things just being about money....
It has been. Her behavior has been really ugly at times. Like literally yelling at me & calling me names as I'm waking up in the morning for something she was unhappy about. And not things I was aware of or could control, things like "I hate this life we're leading, I didn't sign up for this, I'm miserable every day, this is too much" ... Like okay? You wanted to have a baby. If being a SAHM is too much, GO BACK TO WORK, like I've said many times before. Her behavior would then escalate into screaming, swearing, door slamming, etc. Ruins the entire day.

Like I said, those instances have left a mark. She's apologized and said she feels terrible about how she acted. She was never like this before we moved in together or had a baby, and she always prided herself on being calm and kind in her words.

Time will tell, but it's possible this was post-partum, hormonal issues, lack of sleep, and adjustments to motherhood for her. I'm not giving up... and have seen some improvement since these issues peaked at like 3-9 months post partum.

You mean while having and taking care of a new baby? Your language sounds so resentful, as if you expected her to get her butt back to work the second the baby was born.
In my last couple posts, I tried to dial it back. I'm just venting. I didn't plan to initially, but other posters "digging for dirt" and asking for more details kinda triggered some bad memories for me. I'm not as unhappy with her as I came off. But I have a long memory, and can think back and "put myself in the moment" so to speak, when I've otherwise let it go.

For the record, I've always told her that while I thought it was in our baby's best interest for her to be a SAHM, at least for a year or year-and-a-1/2, I supported whatever decision she reached, and I understood it was hard staying home with a baby all day. I told her in no uncertain terms I would not judge her for whatever decision she made.

FWIW... I took this same approach in my marriage too, but XW decided to start working less than a year into motherhood, and went around telling people I was pushing her to go back to work. At least my current partner has not done that... so... some improvement! :)

I get that relationships can't be one-sided and that you don't want to be taken advantage of either. Still, it's like someone mentioned earlier, you sound so angry and as if you really don't like (much less love) or respect her at all. I don't think you've said once that you love her.

Do you?
Yes. I tell her that every day too, and she tells me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,342 Posts
My opinion is she may very likely change her mind about going back to work when it’s time for that next year (plenty of women have done that) so instead of thinking about how to split money you may not have you should instead think about ways to simplify your life in case you have to live on one income for longer than you think.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
553 Posts
Not yet... but at least teenagers will let you sleep in, right? under 1's... not so much.
Maybe, but it's usually after you've been up all night worrying because they've been out all night.

Bigger kids, bigger problems.

In my last couple posts, I tried to dial it back. I'm just venting.
Venting is fine. It just doesn't sound like a very loving, romantic, devoted, relationship. Maybe that's what she didn't sign up for? And, yes, she's exhausted and probably not feeling very appreciated either. Seems neither one of you are nor are either of you willing to make the first move in that regard.

I'm generally not one to suggest "counseling" but maybe you guys would benefit from someone to talk with like a relationship coach.

"Digging for dirt" is just trying to get more info in order to give you advice from an informed position. Hard to do when we sense something else going on but don't know what that might be.

Try not to keep reliving the past. Forgive if possible. Live in the present.

I'm glad you tell her you love her, but I think you need to show her. I think she needs to show you too.

Food for thought: finances are very important of course, but try not to make it seem like that's more important than her, the baby, or the relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #55 ·
My opinion is she may very likely change her mind about going back to work when it’s time for that next year (plenty of women have done that) so instead of thinking about how to split money you may not have you should instead think about ways to simplify your life in case you have to live on one income for longer than you think.
That's a good point. I could see that happening.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,733 Posts
In my last couple posts, I tried to dial it back. I'm just venting. I didn't plan to initially, but other posters "digging for dirt" and asking for more details kinda triggered some bad memories for me. I'm not as unhappy with her as I came off. But I have a long memory, and can think back and "put myself in the moment" so to speak, when I've otherwise let it go.
Just between us chickens, I vent here. It doesn't give a great impression sometimes, like you've seen with assumptions about your feelings for her. But it's a (relatively) safe place to vent out the things that are nagging at you, the worst that will happen is a bunch of internet strangers make unkind assumptions about your character. I think it's exponentially better to have internet people dislike you than to expose your loved ones to the dark recesses of your crazy. 😉
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #57 ·
... Side note, I was surprised about her coming from wealth; if it is indeed that. Reason being, people that I know who I would consider proper wealthy, as in old-money, are typically pretty frugal. One wouldn't know on the surface with how they present that they are of old-money wealth, and are typically savvy with decisions on how to protect that.

...
They're not 1%ers. Earlier generations of their family had a "big fish in a small pond" thing going in her hometown, where they owned real estate and had some well-established businesses. They also had the means for college educations in a time & place few did.

Her parents' generation had enough $$$ to not have to work for a living; they all either live on rental income from properties or have small businesses they started. But her parents' generation also haven't taken a long view toward investing and providing for their kids. From what I can tell, they spend their excess on travel and fun, not building more wealth, and so "our" generation in her family are all working for a living. Some of them have more help from their parents than she does.

She complains sometimes comparing our situation to what her mom had, and I'm frustrated with that, b/c there's nothing I can do about it. She also compares us to other couples.

But we're starting out as a couple much later in life than they did; it would be a different situation right now if we had bought a house together & had a kid 10 years ago. I've tried to tell her that, and to stop comparing our current situation to others' and be patient, but sometimes that goes in one ear and out the other...
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,342 Posts
Apparently a big part of her problem is how her parents dealt with finances so that she tends to think the same way they did. I had that problem when I was married. My husband had a very successful career but he spent a tremendous amount of money because that’s what his parents did. I earned considerably less than he did and I preferred saving money because that’s what my parents did. When our parents were both gone, mine had left me lots because of their savings and his had left him zero because of their spending. Unfortunately since our money was combined, my money disappeared along with his. That’s totally on me for trusting him with our finances. So my suggestion is never trust her with your money. Never. It’s easier to keep things separate when you aren’t married. I will never combine my money with someone else again because of how badly I got burned (I’m more cynical now than I was then).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #60 · (Edited)
Apparently a big part of her problem is how her parents dealt with finances so that she tends to think the same way they did. I had that problem when I was married. My husband had a very successful career but he spent a tremendous amount of money because that’s what his parents did. I earned considerably less than he did and I preferred saving money because that’s what my parents did. When our parents were both gone, mine had left me lots because of their savings and his had left him zero because of their spending. Unfortunately since our money was combined, my money disappeared along with his. That’s totally on me for trusting him with our finances. So my suggestion is never trust her with your money. Never. It’s easier to keep things separate when you aren’t married. I will never combine my money with someone else again because of how badly I got burned (I’m more cynical now than I was then).
Thanks for this. Yeah, this is the kind of information I wanted from those who've gone through more of life than I have.

I'm gathering my partner is not going to like keeping finances separate, at least not if/when there comes a time when she wants me to spend more of what I have on her or foot more of our bills.

But I think it's the easiest thing to do, even with me paying most of our joint expenses. I'd rather pay more and have peace of mind with what I have available for my own saving and financial planning. And that protects me and my kids from her spending habits.

Assuming we stick together, we'll likely need further discussions on this b/c she'll need to make sure she's saving for her own retirement; I'm not going to hit 65 and happily keep working because of something frivolous like her wanting to travel more than work in her late 40's and 50's.

She’s complaining because she waited later in life to “nest” than most do and now she doesn’t have what others her age have? No. Those were the choices she made and she’ll need to learn to live with them.
She's coming around, I think. I have seen some changes in her behavior. And when she saw I was serious about what I could afford and what I had, her housing expectations got a lot more reasonable.

Still, she has trouble distinguishing between "wants" and "needs" sometimes. I think - like TX Mom said - she's never really had to make tough financial choices in life, because she was on her own and could earn enough to do what she wanted. Like, for example she'd have to take a cheaper flight for her backpacking trip across Europe, and stay in hostels... but she didn't have to face the reality of whether she could take a trip at all because she needed to pay for daycare and baby food instead.

So when we met, despite having worked for 15 years, she never bought any property, and had very little saved. That was fine for her... but now, having started a family and stopped working... it's a problem for her.
 
41 - 60 of 77 Posts
Top